Shopping List for the Baby

Wonder how long this list will end up being by the end of September!! 

Books we still have to get

Suzannah Olivier's 'What should I feed my Baby', and come to think of it, her book on balancing women's hormones .... she does a what to eat while you are pregnant book too.

Patrick Holford and Susannah Lawson's book on what to eat before and after your baby is born.

Baby sign language book, this one or similar.

Get before baby comes (by end of Sept 08)

Happiest Baby DVD

Clothes (warm), newborn - 6 months at least

This Baby Book to record his first year (have seen it in Mothercare too)

Slings

Car seat

Thermometers (room/bath/car) and for checking the baby

Baby hammock

Baby swing

Nappies & wipes (eco disposable and reusable)

Nappy pail with net laundry bag

Lots of net laundry bags!

Organic cotton wool

Changing mats

Nappy ointment (paraben & chemical nasties free)

Potty

"Muslin"s

Blankets & swaddle cloths

Towels & flannels

Bedding suitable for the family bed

By about 8 weeks (by end Nov '08)

Might need -

Bottles, steriliser, formula, breast pump

Pram (use what we have if we decide we need a pram or buy the Xplory)

Cot bedding

Will need -

This specific Play mat, er, and this one too.

Toys that do things

More nappies (what kind depends on how first 2 months went)

Tint the car back windows, put sun shade on rear window

By 2-6 months (between Dec '08 and end of March '09)

Might need-

Extra car seat for Mamma & Abba's place

Extra feeding stuff to keep at Cherry Hinton

More bottles etc if not breastfeeding exclusively

Might be using the cot by now, either at ours or at Cherry Hinton

Will need -

Baby bathwash, shampoo etc (nasties free stuff)

Bumbo or similar seat for him, perhaps a seat harness to take to people's houses

Stokke Tripp Trapp (high chair)

More toys and books

In-car entertainment

Food containers, spoons, bowls, plates, bibs

Cup or bottles to drink from (if not sorted already)

Wardrobes (if we don't have them already)

By 6-12 months (March - end of September '09)

Clothes - for warmer weather, ages 6 - 12 months

Pram (if not already sorted earlier)

Toy to ride about on (with wheels)

Rocking horse or chair perhaps

Toy power tools like the Bosch range of toy tools - we'll just give him the big toys, not the tiny ones!

Reins so he can walk about (I think Stokke do one)

Shelving units for lounge (move stuff out of reach, make way for his stuff)

The Marvel Pop-Up books - can't start them on the right track too early!

Stuff for me 

Hair - Godiva shampoo bar from Lush

Veganese conditioner from lush

Babyliss Be Liss straightening hair dryer

Beak clips (big ones) such as this one

Bath - Foamy bath stuff from Lush, or the Sanctuary Mande Lular stuff from Boots, or the coconut range from Body Shop.

Bags - Pretty ones from Accessorize, I love this (and optimistically reckon I can get one nappy in it too!!!) and this. I really want to get this bag from New Look, everything will fit in here I think!!

Shoes - I have enough boots to see me through baby's first winter ... am struggling for summer sandals BEFORE baby gets here ... don't have any strappy things that aren't high, need some fairly low pairs, but not so low that I can't wear them with jeans ... being completely flat on the ground doesn't help either ... need a little lift or my arches (lack thereof) hurt. Gotta go shopping!!! 

Baby Skincare and bath stuff

I'm fussiest about these items. For a while, he'll just have water to clean him, and olive oil if he needs moisturising or some sort of barrier protection. I guess this will continue till he is clearly in need of something that will get more dirt off than water alone can. At this point, we can move to something designed for washing a baby with ... but it does need to be free of nasties (you know, parabens and that) - so no Johnsons, Boots or any other thing like that. The free-from-nasties stuff can often smell icky or feel nasty though - I don't like the Neals Yard stuff at all, and actually, some of the Green Baby products are a bit too greasy and smelly, like the nappy balm. (The rest of their range is quite nice though.)

I DO like the Burts Bees baby shampoo and wash, and their nappy cream. I also love the Weleda baby range, which I am happy to use, and I like the Dr Hauschka's baby suitable products, specially the Rose Day cream and the sunscreen. I think I'll go for the Organic Children sunscreen - they do fragranced ones as well as the scent free version, but perhaps no fragrances for a baby! I like this range of products actually. They are easy to use, not too greasy, and don't cost too much. I think most of this is available at John Lewis too, which makes it easy for me. I like the washy stuff from Earth Friendly Kids too, but perhaps when he's a bit older. They do have an Earth Friendly Baby range. I have plenty to choose from, and only one baby to keep clean!

All we will need is some sort of bath wash, some sort of nappy cream, and olive oil really, plus sunscreen. I don't want to use anything else.

Burts Bees website

Weleda website

Green Baby website

Earth Friendly Kids online shop, and their stuff is also available here.

Dr Hauschka website

Organic Children website

Clothes

Largely I have no real objection to where baby's clothes come from - they can be from Primark and Tescos (as un-green and un-ethical as we can get) all the way through to the most expensive, fancy boutiques. He'll wear them, then some other baby will, and then another - whether these are all my babies or someone else's. That's what happens to baby clothes, right?We don't live in a world where ethical and green clothing is available readily and within an affordable price range, and a lot of the materials involved confuse me too - industry on such a small scale, such a lot of transport involved, I don't know ... not sure if I would be doing the right thing insisting on only green clothing.

Most of the clothes I am amassing gets round the ethical and toxins issue by being second-hand or even more used before my baby will get into them.

There are loads of green clothing places, Green Baby for a start - they, like me, are keen on stripes. I'll have to list the rest below when I've got through them all ...

He'll be newborn in October 2008 - but who knows how big he'll be.

Christmas 2008-March 2009 he will be 3-6 months, again, how big is he going to be? He'll need warm clothes then.

April-September 2009 I suppose, when he is pretty big, 6 months to a year old, he'll be in lighter fabrics as it will be warmer, might also be a bit wet of course, I suppose he will be in layers. He should also be mobile within this time - I know he won't go far (!), but I suppose his clothes will reflect his increased mobility, and separates that can be easily, er, separated will be the way to go - plenty of baby trousers, shorts and t-shirts, some sandals and shoes. No point bothering much with socks I suppose. He'll have them, I doubt he'll keep them on though! Maybe he'll have a raincoat or something. He'll need plenty of hats, and sunglasses (Babybanz will do nicely).

So must get wintery stuff for 0-6 months, and summery stuff for 6-12 months, and basically layer for in between times.

Blankets, swaddling, towels & muslins

He'll need a few of these for sure! I'm knitting him a few blankets. Lets see how they turn out!! His grandmother is busy working on one too. I'll buy some as well, he'll be carried a lot, and our flat is nice and warm. A little onesie and a blanket might be all he needs of an evening ...

My Mum is planning on helping me make his swaddle cloths, and I'm sure I'll buy some sheets that wilol do the job too. I guess these will be washed a lot! There are a few swaddle-products that allow the baby to be swaddled and strapped into his car seat, which sould to me like great way to reduce the misery of being in one of those things for ages. So might get something like this Miracle Blanket.

I'd like his towels to be as natural as possible, I'd imagine, like all people, his skin will be at its most sensitive and absorbant of all things nice as well as all things nasty, corrosive and toxic after his bath. Bamboo sounds lovely and soft and ethical too. Will take an age to dry after each use I suppose, but we can just hang it up to dry over the warm floor each night.

We'll need a whole bunch of small towels to clean and wipe him with, and bamboo would really be a good bet for these as I'd rather not use wipes that much when at home. Colour coding seems essential here, to avoid cleaning his face with his butt-cloth all the time (!)

I guess we'll buy loads of muslins, My Mum has plans to help me make some gorgeous ones out of the kind of saris old Dadus wear in Bangladesh. Lets see how that project goes!

Nappies

I can't face using Pampers and Huggies and all that, so offensive on so many levels. Nor can I choose to use cloth nappies all the time - it won't work with the 'we don't use the car unless we have to, baby and me' policy I have. I simply will not be able to carry the necessary stuff on my back with a baby slung on the front, AND do things like shopping, hanging out, visiting people and places etc. For long days on the go I plan to carry Baby Go nappy change packs, which are SO not eco friendly, but are tiny - in my backpack or bag. Realistically they give me a chance to do more in a sustainable more responsible way with him in his first 18 months or so, in the way I want to (obviously there are other responsible and excellent ways of hanging out and getting about with a baby ... on foot and on a bus or train is just my preferred way). We're going to work on the Elimination Communication stuff, so hopefully he'll be nappy free soon anyway.

So disposables AS WELL AS reusables! Plenty of room for adjustments, I know not all nappies suit all babies, whether they are disposable or reusable.

The disposables we will use look like they will be the Moltex nappies from the Green Jelly lady nearby, or Spirit of Nature, or even just Planet Organic at a push. We can get Tushies from Green Baby or Planet Organic too. Or Bambo nappies. There appear to be just 3 kinds for me to try. In an emergency, Tescos sell an eco range, (the Nature Baby range) - not sure I trust it. We'll see!

The reusable cloth nappies have been harder to decide on as there is by far more choice. In terms of practicality, appearance and easy of washing/drying, along with the fact that before too long I'll have to chase him to get his nappy on, and pre-folds won't be a welcome addition then, I've chosen two options to start off with -

1. The Bumgenius pocket nappies, and they come in gorgeous colours - I love the yellow one which is called Butternut. They sell them at Mothercare too. There are birt-to-potty age options, and they are available in packs such as this one.

Bumgenius website.

2. The gorgeous Tots Bots Fluffles nappies - they are great to start with as they will dry very fast. The wraps to go over it are the really cute part. I love the TotsBots wraps with the PUL covering. Here's the range of wraps, including the fleecey ones, available at Mothercare.

Tots Bots also do the most gorgeous changing mats and I want them all!!! Mothercare sells the whole range.

TotsBots website.

I'd like the wipes and liners we use with our nappies and at nappy-change time to be reusable (fleece I suppose, will dry fastest). Bumgenius do flannel wipes as well as bamboo ones. Tots Bots do fleece nappy liners. Suitable Liners and boosters are available from Green Jelly, as are washable wipes.

There are plenty of chlorine free, eco-friendly disposable wipes available everywhere - John Lewis does the Earth Friendly Baby range, and Tescos even do one, of a fashion - the Nature Babycare Eco Soft Baby wipes. In fact they do nappies and everything else in this range, which appears to be Swedish.

Potty

We definitely need at least one, (like this one), from the start. Iain is pretty much approaching the Elimination Communication stuff from a cat training perspective ... am not sure it is the same, as I have never house trained a cat ... or anyone ... So one to start with, and perhaps many, many more potties around the place before we are all fully trained!

I think a potty that has a step-stool that stacks with it would be good to have in the bathroom, under the sink, with the smaller one (link above) as something we move around and take with us more ... I can't seem to find a stackable potty I like, and a musical potty is a DEFINITE NO NO!!! Far too distracting and completely misses the point I think.

Pram

I can't see us using a pram until he is about 6 months old. We do have a pram - Brishti & Zain's Quinny. We will be using a car seat in the car of course, but he'll be in a sling when he's not in the car, or in his hammock, or in bed, or in someone's arms, or just chilling on a rug, playmat, cushion, beanbag or something. There IS a pram I adore, and would be happy to use with him sometimes - shopping expeditions perhaps - The Stokke Xplory.

Slings

My shortlist includes the Baba Sling, the lovely Didymos slings, or the Kari Me or Moby slings, although I don't really want a stretchy sling. I suspect I will be spending a lot of time on Little Possums, and will end up with plenty of slings, including the home made ones we will fashion out of the material Mum brought back from Bangladesh.

Bedding

We're using white, cream, light yellow, or light brown bedding, to go with the room and to be easy on the eye - the whole flat will be full of bright, garish baby stuff after all!

We're planning a family bed for night-time and my Mum will help me make leps to make up for the fact that we will temporarily abandon the duvet (till he is bigger). A lep is a few layers of soft fabric sown together, a bit like a kantha but not as decorative or intricate. It would be safe to use one with baby in the bed, but he won;t be under the lep. I wouldn't think that would be a good idea. The baby himself will be in a sleeping bag or gro-bag of some sort, the tog depending on the weather, with appropriate under-things on. I ADORE the Jelly Bean Gro-Bag, maybe he'll have one! He already has a few bags to sleep in, I think he'll be ok.

The leps won't always be enough, and we will have blankets to use as layers too (Iain and myself). I like the idea of a silky soft bamboo blanket, mostly because blankets give me the creeps - it's a texture thing. Blankets, of course, we can pick up anywhere.

To make the bed baby-safe so we can all have as good a night as possible, we wanted the Humanity Family Bed, but I'm not really keen to ship something that big over from the US. Not my style. It's not just the money, it's a big deal ... and I think we can improvise with a big body pillow and lots of flannel sheeting. If we can't quite make it work, we can always order the thing from America. We want to make ours so that it fits the bed and Iain can be on it as well as me and the baby. We'd rather not have a split in the bed ... a space where Iain isn't welcome. This way the baby will be free to make a mess on any part of our bed! Oh Joy!!!

He will have his own cradle, the beautiful Moffii Oberon Cradle, which his grandparents are sweet enough to buy for him. He'll be happy (I hope) and safe in it if I want to put him down in the daytime, and he can be in it when we visit people, because it is really really portable. Attaches on to any door frame. Of course we can't then use the doorway, so perhaps we will not be popular guests ... but should anyone agree to allow us to visit with our hammock, we'll be ready!! He can use it till he stands up by himself, and by then, really, he'll be well used to the bed situation and bed safety. Am so excited! I decided against the Amby Natures Nest, it won't do and I don't like what it is made of.

Feeding

We're hoping the breastfeeding works out ... I know it often doesn't for PCOS women, and Iain and Dougs were both unable to feed for long - some sort of allergy. Now assuming I will succeed, and be able to carry on for a while ... we don't need much by way of bottles etc, but the cottles I am considering are the Born Free range as they don't have BPA in them. Ideally, I'd use Dr Brown's glass bottles, but I'd have to get Jen to post me some, as I don't think they are available outside the USA. The Glass bottles available in the UK - at Green Baby and Spirit of Nature for example, don't appear to have the vents.

I will try and use a special cup I have read about instead as a first choice ... that would interfere less with the breastfeeding mouth action ... and eliminate the huge problems associated with using bottles - cleaning them, filling them and carrying them about, never mind protecting the contents by keeping them at the right temperature, and limiting deterioration in the bottles themselves.

Expressing milk will probably be on the cards. Am still not sure whether a pump will be the best way, or in fact what kind of pump. Most of them seem incredibly thoughtless in their design. Without the benefit of actually lactating I obviously can't tell at all what will work ... but on paper, the Tommee Tippee Closer to Nature Freedom breast pump seems like a good bet. There seem to be better, more 'natural' (as in, mimic baby's way of getting milk out better) in the US, but unlike bottles, they are too much of a risk to ship over. In any case, this website called baby loves your milk might well be helpful when the time comes, as might the Express Yourself Mums website. I choose these theoretically comfy breastpads, with eco disposable ones for when I'm on the move a lot, and I suppose shells will be necessary too. I'll need the nipple cream from Lansinoh - unless he is allergic to Lanolin like Jules! I already have nipple shields at the ready, just in case. I gather they will be handy.

Laundry

We've switched to Eco Balls and I love them. The clothes are nice and clean and soft, and I don't have to measure anything or watch for when I need to buy more product. They will work for the baby's stuff too, with a bit of Borax perhaps or some eco-bleach - UNLESS there's a real unshiftable stain, win which case I will wheel out the Vanish and use it with the Ecover laundry detergent. I will be soaking his new clothes in water which has some white spirit vinegar in it to wash off the bulk of the nasty chemicals. Can't do much more than that really.

We don't tumble dry - me on principle, Iain because he's sensible! The underfloor heating should allow baby's nappies to dry overnight, or at least over 24 hours, and we can line dry for half of the year. We'll have a nappy pail to store dry dirty nappies, with some tea tree oil added if needed. I suppose the nappy wash will be every day to every other day. Easy to do with the Eco-Balls as the wash cycle is so quick. We will use loads of net bags to make all this go smoothly - we're not really a low-laundry family now .... it won't get easier when the baby comes!

Gestational Diabetes is here to stay

Well, I've had a few days to try and get used to the idea, and It has been hard. I have the odd less-than-ideal reading but largely the Metformin is keeping my sugar levels at least at the limit of where I should be, or better. 

Psychologically it is another story. It's not that I know 'too much' or have ridiculous unrealistic fears about diabetes. It's not that I am focusing on the bad things that might happen to my baby, or to me. I've been learning for ages, before the baby was conceived, since the baby started to be, and specially now that the doctors are talking to me about it all. I know my chances - better than many people because I know what I need to do, and I'm getting what help I can. I also understand my risks for this pregnancy, and the risks to our son, and it saddens me, makes me feel reckless and depressed and desperate. Knowing I have 3 months to make as big a difference as possible under the circumstances is a blessing. Knowing I found out as soon as it was possible to diagnose it is also a blessing. However the prospect of living with it and trying to manage it for 3 months is daunting, and depressing, and to be honest I don't WANT to deal with it. I don't want to be strong. I want to be weak, and cry all day, and eat eclairs and dissolve into a messy blob of a woman with sugar coming out of every pore, Seven Brides for Seven Brothers on the DVD player, ice cream by the bowlful, plenty of Frappuccinos (keep 'em coming) for the next 3 months and then somehow have the baby yanked out and presented to me with a 'there, there, see, it's all ok, you didn't have to do anything love'. 

Of course I'm not stupid enough to think that fantasy is anything other than a twisted nightmare. Being a blob now will only mean I will actually turn into a blob, and hang on to the diabetes post-baby. So can't do that ... Pointless. How am I going to raise the baby if I am sicker and sicker for sure? Eclairs aren't really what they used to be (except, perhaps at Betty's, and we don't live in Yorkshire), Tescos eclairs don't really do it for me, nor do M&S eclairs ... so no point trying to eat any. Will accelerate towards the time when I'll need insulin that much sooner if I eat pig out on eclairs, and to be honest, at that price, they really would need to be very good. Don't want to add insult to injury. No reason to wholly abandon self-respect and style just yet ... plenty of time to let all that go when I am covered in baby poo and sick in a few months.... Seven Brides for Seven Brothers has been a pregnancy-long 'craving' - a non-food craving, but a persistent one. Easily remedied. Have ordered it on Play.com. Will be Blessing everyone's Beautiful Hide, Wherever they may be in stereo in no time. If that doesn't cheer me up, really, what will???? Ice cream is trickier ... can't say it's a good idea, even if I do make some myself. Have to give that a miss, even though it is generally reliably yummy. (Unlike eclairs). New dietician's advice allows me plenty of fruit and cereal though - obviously not Sugar Puffs, or Coco Pops, or even my new faves - Dove's Farm's Chocolate Stars ... what I am now allowed is more the Bran Flakes, Shreddies, Weetabix and of course the always-sanctioned Porridge .... HOWEVER that is still a far more extensive range of cereals than I have had access to in the past year, easy and yummy and most desert-like out of all my allowed foods. Can't complain if I can have fruit too. Of course I won't have just cereal in the morning ... will continue to base the meal on protein ... but since smaller means are now what I need to try, and because I need to cut back on the protein and increase the carbohydrate carefully, and spread it out (so I keep producing some insulin if I can, and only eat as much as my insulin levels can accomodate) ... a slice of bread or one Weetabix (no sugar) here and there seems a cheap, easy, stress free, and crucially MEASURABLE way to find out what I can do.

Of course I am sad, wouldn't you be? Of course I am desperately lonely in all this ... no one else is going through this, and everytime someone says 'it will be alright don't worry about it' I just shut down inside - what does that mean anyway? Go eat cake, you can't hurt your baby? Give up now, you've lost already? Bury your head in the sand and it won't happen? Well, obviously cake can hurt MY baby - he'll have to make loads of insulin to process it for me, bless his tiny heart. I can't give up, and ignoring it amounts to giving up. Burying my head in the sand is the worst thing I can do, and it's generations of people who just let it happen that has made it impossible to avoid getting GD ... despite all my hard work. I worked so hard on myself, on my food, my fitness. All for nothing. I couldn't outrun it, what I did was not enough and I couldn't do more. Maybe some mothers could. All I know is I tried, every single day, and I have failed so miserably, so completely. How can I be LESS vigilant now, having already failed? It's no longer a battle to avoid diabetes, I've lost. Now it's a battle to stay of insulin, and it doesn't look like I will win that battle either, so when/if I fail there, I will have to fight the next battle, and the next. I hate it I hate it I hate it, and I hate doing it on my own. Oh I know Iain is here, and I could not do what I have to do without him, but he is alone in his battle to help me. The mundane, desperately boring everyday drudgery of meal after meal, exercise session after exercise session, test after test, appointment after appointment miserable experience of trying to beat something more powerful and more devastating than anything we can do. It's a boring, boring process. The sheer drudgery of preparing yet another cheap, nutritious, perfectly balanced meal out of a short list of foods I can eat as well as afford .... oh my God. It was bad before, now its so much worse - more meals. Ever tried sustaining a food plan like mine ... keeping it palatable, bearable, interesting if possible? I couldn't say it is character building ... I'd say it is soul destroying, in a special way. Of course I am happy that I feel better when i am eating right for my illnesses ... of course I would rather be approximately 'well' on my diet rather than ill with a half-eaten plate of chocolate cake in my paws, washed down with pineapple juice..... But it's a sad, lonely way to live, and incredibly dull to eat ones own cooking so much, even if it IS my cooking, which I dare say could be so much worse. 

Iain is confident we will be successful on some level. I don't really have any reason to believe we will win many of our GD battles, all I believe is that I have to try. 

Fathers Day

My parents came to lunch today. I was cooking all day ....!!! And getting it all ready yesterday too. The food was nice, hope they liked it... 

Have been achey in my lower back for a while, after they left ... maybe it's all the typing I have been doing. 

I had given Mostyn a card for Iain, asking him to hand it to him today - and Mostyn did it!!! Iain loved the card, and the tiny pair of socks I put in with the card. 

Our baby's coming soon ..... lol 

AND I AM 25 WEEKS gone now!!!! 

Just 15 to go. 

Oh the Misery

Have been especially down today. 

My sugars have been good since I started recording them (since Thursday night) - they are within the range Whitcroft's nurse would like them to be, and she is stricter than the NHS. 

Waiting for Tuesday is depressing, being here without Iain is depressing, I thought for a bit that Rafi was visiting me tomorrow, but that is now not happening, he's going to Cherry Hinton instead. I miss him, of course, he's my brother - we used to be inseparable for a large portion of my life, and while I don't want that any more ... we're fully grown now, and while I am very proud of him, and everything he's working towards ... but I miss being part of his week, his month ..... his year even lol. I also think he thought I was stressed about him changing my plans ... pregnant ladies just sound a bit intense I guess. Didn't mean to stress him out!!! We have talked about meeting in London soon ... can't wait for that. I think I just need to see my family, share the love, you know? Am so happy with my baby when I am not stressed out missing people or wanting something I can't have ....

Tiffany was also ill - really ill last night, and I feel so bad - for her, for me, I was like that a year ago. 

Makes it all to clear how far I have come, and that even all that is not enough ... I have GD, my baby has to deal with it even more than I do, and my future is now ... well, no different I suppose, but the relevant facts have increased.

Seeing Milen and Anushe!

Tiffany and I made our way over to Anushe's house and OMG Milen is SO the cutest baby in the world!!! (for the next few months anyway ... lol) 

He is so cute, so calm, so sweet, so charming. I got a few lovely cheesy grins off him! 

Anushe is a great Mummy, it was so nice and so encouraging to be with her for a bit. We have different ideas about parenting and baby stuff in some respects, but a lot in common too, and it's interesting and nice for me. Of course, my ideas are all just in my head - I don't have a baby yet. I will find it all waaay more interesting in a year or so I think when I have found out more through actually trying out what I think I know ... there are so many pieces missing in my imagination .... baby get here soon!!!

Abba's here!! Plus - Dealing with aches, pains, and the misery of gestational diabetes

My Yoga class was today, and I made an extra effort to eat carefully so I would not be as faint as last week. It worked. I managed to keep up quite well in class, although my mind was racing a bit. Am struggling to avoid getting very depressed about the GTT results. There is no point getting depressed now ... there are still almost 4 months to go and this could all get a lot more hopeless later on ... it's all pretty ok and manageable now. 

I told Louise the yoga teacher, and she reassured me - a few of her students have had it, and if I make an effort with the food things could work out just as I have hoped from the start. She's right, and I am sure my hard work will pay off. Her class really motivates and balances me. 

I'm getting a few more aches and pains - not SPD but in that general area. More work needed I think ... am not that regular with my yoga. Most of it is on about 3 or 4 days of the week, and 2 of those are in a class ... I should do a lot more and stay on top of it. The misery of dealing with the GD (am craving sugar ... and I know I have had sugar recently, a number of times, so I'm not surprised .... I have to abstain for a while and see if I really am worse, or if I am just paying the price right now ...).

Tiffany arrived yesterday afternoon, we have been chilling out, lazing about, and chatting mainly since last night! Today she came in to Cambridge with me, she shopped while I did Yoga (we just made it to get the bus in the morning!!!). Then we met Mum and went to Nandos for lunch. We had such a nice time, the 3 of us. Tiffany got me a present from Lush (yaay!!! - bath stuff for foamy gorgeous baths and a mama tee shirt with butterflies on it). Mum and Tiffany got on like a house on fire, it was great. We went shopping later (I needed a set of long knitting needles, 5 mm), and had Tiffany's nose pierced - so Mum was in a Tattoo parlour!!!!! 

Tiffany's nose looks great with the jewel in it. 

Then we went to Mamma & Abba's house and hung out with Abba, who looked so dashing with his nicely coiffured hair (Bangladeshi barbers ... wish Abba saw a barber here too!!) He seemed a bit tired but well, and in good spirits. Tiffany interviewed them both for her thesis, and they seeemed to all have a good time. We had yummy dinner (made both me and Tiffany sick later ... but anyway ... ). Tiffany is kinda where I was a year ago with my gut and assorted problems. I think almost all of them are IR-related .... she needs her own Endocrinologist working it out ... 

GTT results

Well after a lovely aqua yoga class I hung out a bit and had some food with some of the other ladies and Amanda the teacher. Turns out she has an atrial fibrillation and has to have a cardio version, like asap. She's stressed and depressed about it, poor love, I'm sure she'll be ok though, I hope so anyway. She is amazing and has already taught me so much in just a few weeks. 

I need to send her the phone number for the pool in Royston .... she wants to set up a class for teaching babies to swim there. Yayy! 

Anyway, after that, went to hang out with Mum, and we had a nice browse through the wools and stuff for the baby at John Lewis. I called the hopsital before seeing Mum and got my GTT results. I didn't pass the test - Bummer. 

I spoke to Kerry, the midwife who specialises in diabetes, and she had the glucose results to give me, not the insulin results. My fasting glucose level was 5.7, one hour after the drink it was 10.8, and 2 hours later it went down to 8.1. The NHS like my levels to be below 7.9 ... so my their reckoning I am diabetic at the moment. [to get my numbers in 'American' ... ie if you're one of my American pals checking my numbers and bewildered by the single digits .... these numbers are how we measure them in the UK, it's a different unit - multiply by 18 to get the corresponding result in the US, so my fasting was about 102, my + 1hr was about 194, and my + 2 hrs was about 146. Not good, eh?]

I was a bit upset, even though I did expect to get this result. I wasn't, like, "it's all over" - but I am well aware both of how lucky I am I know what's happening and know what t do, but also of how serious it can be .. how serious the consequences can be. I am wary of the hospital, and what they will try and scare me with ... like I said, they 'need' to manage the risks they think they can do something about ... doesn't mean they are actually able to make my life any better or the baby's life any safer. I need my wits about me, and my will power and strength and need to do the best for my baby. I do get a lot of blank faces, or exasperated disbelief from people ... most people don't seem to get my attitude. I'm aware and proactive and it reads as me being negative or scared or worked up over nothing to a lot of people. Says more about them than about me I think ... Of course I have fears - my own problems are causing problems that my poor baby has to deal with. I'm not broken by them though. Although I am sad. I didn't want this to happen. 

Burying my head in the sand or crying all day won't help though. What will help if I find a way to keep eating carefully despite the extra train ... I AM more insulin resistant now that I am diabetic - I can feel it and I want to eat things I shouldn't. It's hard, diet control is not quite enough now, and who knows if the Met will still be enough in a few weeks. I don't see how added insulin would help if I can't use my own insulin ... so am unsure what I can do other than become as insulin-sensitive as possible (lots of drugs, exercise and the right food) - and I know it will be hell, not just because of the extra cravings, but because everyone around me (apart from Iain) buys into the 'you're pregnant, eat all the pies, go on, indulge yourself, you deserve cake' model of pregnancy. Hmmmm ... I wonder if that works out well for any mother, but I can't think about that right now. I can only deal with my pregnancy and my baby's chances.  

I really am not looking forward to having to eat even more carefully. People are kind, and praise me for my efforts, saying I am doing far more than other people. It's really important to have that encouragement, as it is ghastly to have to deal with the food issue now .... pregnancy is tiring and demanding anyway ... I do really thrive on that sort of support, but I know it's not on a scale (the eating), and just because other Mum's may be only on crackers and cookies (poor things), that doesn't make the repercussions of any mistakes I make any less problematic for my little one. 

I know even if I somehow manage to do it all perfectly (which is impossible) - the risks will still be there, reduced perhaps, but still there. That is a depressing thought. On the one hand I have  a great plan, the best support from Iain, plenty of other support from the people and medical staff around me (differing levels of support, but they all mean to help, which is a lot). On the other hand, it's all a bit hit and miss however far I take it ....