Eye eye!

So I went for my 8-10 weeks blood screening yesterday. I'm proud to say I walked to Roysia Surgery and back again - which was not easy. I did feel sick as a pig all day, and had hoped the fresh air and exercise would help in that, and also help with the extra carbs I have been eating - partly because I feel too sick for much, and partly because of the party food & cake. Not that I had much, but then, it doesn't take much for me to feel rough does it? 

Have been looking rough too, so on my way back from the surgery I stopped in to The Skin & Grooming Centre and had my eyebrows done by the lovely Jodie - I'd never been in there before, it is a very nice place, very relaxed and well staffed. So the picture above is a good look at my eyebrows - Jodie was most complimentary about them, said they were Hollywood eyebrows to start with LOL. Well, she earned her money didn't she?

Party on ...

We had our anniversary party yesterday, a vastly reduced guest list in the end, but we had a very nice time with the friends who could make it. (There's a slideshow to the right in the other column ...)

Big highlight for me was Jules' cakes - she brought 2, one big creamy one, and a special little one for me - lactose free, but iced and with Pure 'buttercream' icing - PINK too. It was SO sweet of her.

AND, wait for it, she's going to host my baby shower in London - Hurray!

I love that idea of course.

Another highlight was Paula arriving already dressed in her Sari which she put on herself, and both of us were in saris which was very glam, and later Birgit put her's on too. It was fun.

Iain was a star and took photos for a change! Brilliant - we'll have some for the Lambykins Book.

The food went down well, despite my bizarre mismatched menu - we had Nachos and Roast chicken mainly, with assorted other bread things going on and chickpea, lemon and coriander couscous. Dessert was the cake(s), Iain's amazing cheesecake and some pineapple and strawberries which were fresh, sweet and delicious from the market. Iain did very well with all the market and Tescos shops, he's such a star.

I was tired but very happy by the end of the party, and had had cake!

Big welcome to Baby Matthew Coultas!

Jo and Dave's baby was born - we had a text message on our landline. How cool! A son! 

Dave posted photos pretty soon on Facebook, and Matthew is very lovely. Am so pleased for them, they look pretty happy, and rightly so. 

A long Friday, but lots of fun!

Today I went to London to attend the second workshop in the series of 3 organised by the Warburg and Warwick University - thank goodness this one was at the Warburg. I got to hang out with Anthony for most of the day, which is always a pleasure, and everyone else attending who I had met before were also great fun to be with. Even the food, through not good by any means was not too bad. I didn't need the sack of stuff I took just in case!

I was shattered by the end of the night when I got home of course!

The training sessions were on images, and I saw a whole lot of amazing ones all day. Brilliant.

Now I reckon we should go to Florence in August for our babymoon. Iain likes the idea too. Brilliant!!!!

Every day's kinda slow ... but we're happy!

Well, I don't actually manage to do much ... feel icky a lot of the time. Maybe I'd go out more if it were not so cold! Brrr it's frosty and horrid out. 

I love it when Iain gets home - I have company! And he's SO my favourite person, I love hanging out with him. He's been preparing my evening meal the last few days as the nausea gets worse by evening. He's a pal. I'm getting the food organised and cooked as necessary - and managing my 3 meals, so I know I'm doing pretty well. Wish I had the dedication to exercise too.

We watched music videos on our many music channels for the last 2 nights - watching songs that will be old by the time Lambykins gets here! LOL we loved that!! EVERYTHING we know is going to be old news for Lambykins! 

We keep hearing songs we think are kind of nice, and they are new - but they sound like stuff we listened to when we were kids ... what's going on? Are we getting that old so soon, that everything sounds like the 80s now ... or does everything actually sound like the 80s again..? 

We never made it to the movies last night - I felt far too sick to brave the cinema. 

I think my tummy's finally getting bigger woohoo! 

Gosh things could be tricky - apparantly PCOS can ruin your breastfeeding odds. How Poo!

Another day, another realisation of the price I'm paying for cake, fruit and Oreos. 

I'm not saying I'll for sure be unable to breastfeed, after all, a fair number of PCOS mums do manage it just fine - and my diet is good and I have my Metformin. I'm also (dubious I know) lucky enough to live here in the UK where the doctor and midwives are likely to put immense pressure on me to breastfeed ... whether or not they actually help in anyway ... At least the default position won't be 'give up love'. There's a drug too, and herbs I hear - all is not lost of course. 

I did have my heart set on feeding Lambykins and am not best pleased at this new piece of information. Am very cross. Here, have a read.

The last straw - Iain was right about the fried eggs. Grrr.

Update: Thank goodness!! Midwife Anabel has told me if I have Lion eggs (eggs with the lion stamp of course, not actual eggs of a Lion!!!) then I can have 'em runny or soft - just not raw! Yippeeee.

Iain said he thought my friend eggs were not cooked enough. 

Darnit. 

I thought getting rid of the grossy squidgy bits was enough - but Nooooooo - overcooked eggs to the extreme! That's all that's on the menu! 

Oh My Word. 

I'm really peeved now. Overdone eggs. Rubbery grossness. Now my choices are just to hard boil them, omlette them - and there are serious limits to how nice an overcooked omlette can be, even if I am careful ... yeuch, or conceivably an overcooked scrambled egg. How unappetising can one pregnancy get? I can't even have cereal instead as I could do before, at a push. It's definitely off the menu now (except porridge sometimes). So, cheese every morning instead of eggs? Meat? Suck it up and eat the overcooked eggs? It's pointless if I have to eat the egg with bread just to make it palatable ... the carb count would shoot through the roof. 

Egg fried noodles for breakfast? Again, the carb count ... 

Flat egg pancakes made with sesame seeds, kind of faux Chinesey, filled with bean sprouts, shredded manges tu and perhaps shredded chicken? Hmm, that would work, but whose gonna cook that with a Metformin pill bubbling up a wave of serious nausea every morning? (nothing gets round the fact that it takes half an hour for the Met to kick in and far less time to prepare eggs). 

Well, I suppose the filling can be made way ahead of time, as can the egg batter. Am I really going to be that person - who has all that ready? Aaarrgghh I hate that version of myself already! 

Iain and the Continuum Concept

Ever since we saw that Bringing up Baby on Channel 4 and were shocked to realise the carry-the-baby-all-the-time plan really appealed to us both, Iain and I have had our own predictable approaches to preparing to formulate our own version of the method. I've found every website I want to use, flicked through as many books as are available in the UK, chosen one to buy and have ordered it (the Sears book - the Attachment Parenting one - I hope it's true that it's the only one we need ... what we DON'T need is an abundance of books to distract us from Lambykins him/herself, nor do we need so much to read that there is a serious discrepancy between what I have read and what Iain has read). Iain has been pondering, and spouting wisdom every now and then based on his viewing of the show, and my updates from what I have read. He's a smart cookie and doesn't miss a thing!

Well yesterday he stepped it up a notch - he read the Continuum Concept website! He had asked if I was buying the book when we went in to a couple of bookshops to look at parenting books together last week in Cambridge, and I replied a lot of it is on the website (it is) and a lot is anthropological and it's not very 'how to'. Seeing as we're already very keen on the anthropological evidence and believe that socialising pretty much accounts for everything we do, reading the book would be poor use of the limited reading time Iain's going to be able to put in. We can always read the book for kicks another time!

He found it interesting, it seemed, but he was frustrated by the fact that the excerpts he was reading did not tell him how a Western parent was supposed to undo the problems created by the child-centred interactions that build up and implode over time. I had an answer about how I would diffuse the child's frustration, if it were my own child - you can't use your own chosen methods on someone else's child in my opinion - but we're obviously seeing the problems in different lights as my answers did not seem like solutions to Iain. It'll be a long road, right, till we are both sure about what the plan is?!!

He was funny! He started laughing when he got to the bit where the baby gets carried about all day by an older kid - 4 to 12 year old normally - and the older child brings the baby back to Mum when it's feeding time. He said, 'Brishti's about 4, she can carry Lambykins around!' LOL - we decided Zain is too small!

Should be fun finding out what it all really involves!

He liked the Baby Whisperer book, it kind of went along the same lines as the things we had talked about between ourselves before.

Most of all I'm so glad we see things the same way. The devil's in the detail of course, and the mockery of outsiders will always tick me off and Iain's support will mean I won't yell at people - even if it's 'well meaning' or 'good natured' mockery, can't wait to hear people get offended because I'm not impressed with their 'jokes' (WTH??? mocking our parenting skills! Like that's ever going to go down well!!)

Should I have more faith in other people's ability to just be there for us? Hmm... Bacon wasn't right ... so maybe everyone will surprise me ... but seriously, it's NEVER worked out before ... people just HAVE to say insensitive things, it's like the law or something. I'm sure I do the same, as I am, indeed , PEOPLE.

Cinnamon, O Cinnamon ...

Guess what? 

The online store emailed me ... they are out of Cinnamon so I have to wait! 

!!!!!

I am down to 1 capsule! 

I really feel better about taking 1 or 2 capsules, I really think it'll be fine. But is the we have none in stock a SIGN???

Oh dear, Universe, please be as clear in your signals as dear Lambykins is ... (less than 8 weeks old and already a shining example of how one should be ...)

Gestational Diabetes is a Looming ahead in a most Menacing Fashion

So, having been all on my lonesome for a while, this weekend I enjoyed some company! 

Mum & Abba came over this morning, they dropped off some water, some meat they had cooked for me and baghaar e bengun too! (er ... that's aubergine curry my Mum cooks, with tomatoes, it's kinda tangy, and I like it!) They were curious about our attachment parenting plans - a bit amused, somewhat bewildered, a little skeptical ... I have full faith in our decision and Iain's on board. Sounded like Mum & Abba will follow our lead ... lets see. They seem to think I'll seek refuge at their house once the baby is here ... I can't see that happening no matter how difficult motherhood turns out to be. 

Then Chris came for lunch, which was wonderful as Iain and Chris had yet to meet, and they got on well, which was very nice. Good to see him. 

I did have a hairy moment in the middle of lunch when I felt seriously nauseous - some breathing and a Cinnamon tablet quickly sorted that out. The bouts of nausea have intensified noticeably, but luckily they are far between and not that many a day. I can't forget about the nausea as it appears and disappears, but I'm having no trouble eating as I should - I feel a bit sick if I eat, and a bit sick if I don't, so I am having my 3 meals a day, and we're all happy. 

I think I'm very lucky, I have some nausea, a fair bit of exhaustion, feel a bit low and hormonal, the boobs are tender most of the time, but none of these symptoms are constant or very pronounced. This could, of course change, the baby itself is not 8 weeks yet .. only I am. As each week passes though, and the baby continues to make his/her presence noticeable, and yet spares me extreme torture (such as I had to go through before getting pregnant!) I have more and more respect for what this little one is up to. It must be a lot of hard work growing so fast, and yet the process must be going smoothly as there is so little upheaval. I did feel worse when I was eating less carefully for a few days, so I'm sure I'm helping myself by eating as I should with the protein and good carbs. My IR is definitely fine, I feel fine. 

I had a scary evening when I read up on Gestational Diabetes, and realised it's connection with IR, but I'm so over the fear now - I've had 2 days of eating as I should, and everything is easier. It's even easier choosing food as there is such a manageable range to choose from. 

You see, when I read up on it on Friday night, (the most informative pages were this one explaining what it is, how it's connected to IR, and how it'll effect Lambykins, and this one which told me a bit more as well. Basically, IR, which I already have is identical to one of the things that they call GD, most ladies with IR get GD and it does not take a lot to make my IR take root, although I can succesfully rein it in with a very strict diet AND my 3 Metformin tablets a day. The NHS will try and make me do a Glucose Tolerance Test at 20 weeks or so for GD ... I already know I'll fail that test, and I really don't want to put myself and Lambykins through that. Well, I'll ask Whitcroft in due course. 

I know how much the extra glucose sucks for me, and I can't let Lambykins deal with it, no I can't, not if I can help it, and I can't put Lambykins in the position of being born and suddenly dealing with the loss of my excessive glucose levels ... I know how much that sucks too. Not if I can help it. Sounds like I can help it, if I eat right with no mistakes, specially by week 13 or 14 or so by which time Lambykins will for sure have access to all my glucose stocks! 

I felt so upset, scared, and cross, and angry at the unfairness of it all, and the misery ahead when I realised that GD is basically IR. I know the advice I'll get from Addenbrookes and the monitoring will be flawed, they haven't twigged yet about my IR, and I've explained it a number of times, so I'm either on my own on this, or I have the Whitcroft/Herriot combo, and I think I have already had the support & lowdown from them ... I do know what to do, I just need other people who don't know what they are talking about to not sway me with their well meaning (flawed though!) advice. 

I find it hard to be focused all the time ... However I know eating to control my IR is not beyond me. I am perfectly capable of doing it everyday without fail till I can take a little rest from it (when??? when the baby is 1??? LOL! when will Lambykins NOT need me to be well?). You see, that's the killer, that's the fear and misery and helplessness I felt - it's not that I'm scared I can't do it, or that I'll mess up, it's that I CAN do it and will do it. 

As Iain says, I'll mess up but it will be little mess ups, I can absorb those. What I'm scared of is that I'll be able to do it, and every day will be hard, every day will involve not having certain yummy things, (and no amount of low GI yummy things or protein sources will ever make me forget Lemon Meringue Pie, carrot cake, coffeee cake for that matter, or Ice Cream, or mashed potatoes, or white Basmati, or paratha with honey, or Dhupi pitha with ras, or pancakes will it ...?) 

I'm sad because I know I care about that stuff a lot less than the baby, and that it won't even be that hard to change completely and remove that huge part of my life away - it's an unnecessary range of foods, they make me ill, and they could harm the baby or cause him/her even more problems that s/he will have anyway, and I really believe a lot of what I have to pass on can stop with me, or stop with Lambykins so my grandchildren have the chance to be free of IR and diabetes. It can't stop unless one of us somewhere on the line goes without, I have every reason to give it up - Iain doesn't have IR or Diabetes hanging over him, nor heart disease, Lambykins has a good chance, and any Lambykins-offspring has an even better chance, depending on the chosen mate. It just sucks that I am the one who has to do this now ... just as it will suck when Iain has to sacrifice something for the baby ... just as it will suck when Lambykins has to make his/her own sacrifices later - it's not like s/he will be eating all the pies or all the ice cream ever on my watch! 

When I make these plans I always have the same responses from people who already have children - a knowing laugh and a kind of 'yeah we all say that then reality hits us and there's no way ...'. I'm not sure how that change happens, and I don't really know what any other parents' food plans are each week/month/year with their offspring ... to be honest, now that I'm about to have my own, other people's childrearing choices are less and less interesting. I don't feel like scrutinising them as I would not care to be scrutinised myself. It's not that I think I might have a flawed plan, or that anyone else's ethos is rubbish ... it's just that no one else will do things like me and I'm finding my plans endlessly fascinating and there is no room to criticise anyone else. It's nice to hear a bit about other people's plans, and a bit about their happy experiences - but the wallowing in misery and disaster stories, much loved by old ladies - no thanks! And the 'it'll all go wrong you'll see' jinxey comments, I'm not keen on those. I wonder how my Cysters will fare ... I do like hearing what they are planning, but then I choose which Cysters I hang out with online - stands to reason we interest each other, and there are no opportunities to meddle or fuss like in real life ... 

Anyway, I digressed horrendously there. Back to the eating - So far it's been easy - the first week is normally the hardest when I have to let something go and so far 2 days have passed and it has not been hard. I am confused by the ease so far. Should I be suspicious?

It's a bit boring cooking nice vegetables and fish or meat every day, (twice!) but it sure tastes better than oily or carby junk and I sure feel better after (still a bit sick, but not as much as I would on carby oily junk). I STILL MISS CAKE. Every day I think of making one - Oh I tell myself I'll make it with Pure spread and Xylitol ... but I'm no fool, sadly I know the flour alone will send me (and Lambykins) spinning. I have my memories I guess, many a good cake has been gobbled by me. And Lambykins and I will surely share the experience when s/he is older. It's really not too much to ask, specially considering this conception was our idea, Lambykins deserves some respect while s/he gestates. 

Sustaining good meals and eating on time is not going to be fun ... and I have not been out yet, having to cope with outside food, but the switch has been flicked, and I am sad to lose my old foods ... I know I won't have them back again ... so much time will pass that they will cease to taste nice. Cake will taste too sweet and icky in just a few months, even potatoes will lose their charm .... and those are such sad thoughts. 

Achey, sick and wanting Cinnamon back

Well, I'm feeling sick, and have left sided pain again. 

What did I eat? 

I tried some cinnamon tablets again yesterday, like I used to have when I conceived Lambykins, and the morning sickness went away! Twice! 

So I ordered some more ... 

Today I realised that there's not a lot of research to support the use of cinnamon in therapeutic doses while pregnant ... Oh no ... some people even say it's dangerous for the baby. 

Well I ended up asking cysters on SC and asking the dietician at Surrey Park ... and the consensus is kinda - having a low dose is probably fine as it's not much and that amount could be in food anyway ... 

Hmmm ... that's the compromise. Wish people researched Cinnamon more! 

New look? Plans post-trip-to-Ikea.

Well, the nausea has not eased, or let up. What a day! However I DID get a haircut, which was most cheering. 

At least I didn't toss my cookies as the ladies on the board say ... (however some tossing of said cookies did sadly take place, although minute and discreet in amount, as I left Ikea last night). 

Oh yes, on Tuesday night after seeing that useless Doctor Middleton, we went to Ikea for inspiration and a look-see. Well, we found everything we wanted for the flat ... shame it costs about £1300 ..! We have a compromise option, which would cost considerably less. There is always the option of staying much as we are now, and really making do. We'd rather be happy and together and not stressed and over-burdened by money pressures than in a flat that looks perfect but has cost us more than we can happily spend. The baby won't care, honestly, and we like our flat now too (we'd love it even more with the furniture we like ... but that is neither here nor there, whatever the surroundings, we'd never love a wardrobe more than eachother or the offspring, surely?)

So that's that. 

We could end up with not a lot to buy really ... we have enough to do the flooring in the bedroom with the underfloor heating, and to do the carpeting in the study and the hallway, with a new storage heater in the study. Those are the essentials really. If we can't do any more, we won't. Put in an extra set of shelves maybe, if we really can't do more. 

If we DO manage to get the money together though, the rooms will be just as we want them. Whatever happens the futon is going into the study. If we can do it, we'd also downsize the table in there to a small desk, add a big, nice filing cabinet and put in a big floor-to-ceiling macho shelving unit for all the ringbinders, nothing else in the room so it's ready for Iain to sleep in if he can't sleep with us, or for guests to sleep in when people come over, like to help or keep me company. 

The lounge would change a lot, first of all the futon would go, then the dining table would go as the table in the study would be our dining table (as it used to be). This would be in the top right hand corner as we look at the lounge from the kitchen doorway. The big sofa would stay where it is, as would the TV - but if we have the money we'd get a big sturdy attractive unit to put the media stuff in with spaces for toy baskets on the bottom row, space for the kid's big toys etc. The wall that has shelves now would have different shelves all along it (we're not keen on the current shelves) with all our books. The small sofa would be around somewhere ... 

The bedroom would be different too. The current shambolic wardrobe would be closed off. 

The bed would move under the window, but pushed against the short wall, Iain would sleep by the wall, then me, then the baby, the baby and myslef on the humanity family bed. How we arrange the 2 chests of drawers we already have and the wardrobes we need to buy depend on the pricey or cheap option - which will we choose? The expensive option has a wardrobe and a dressing table cabinet for me against the wall which is currently not a wall, but a wardrobe entrance. A further matching wardrobe would follow on the long wall at right angles to this wall. Then a bit further along would be the chests of drawers, with the changing mat atop one, and shelves for the baby's clothes above these. On one of the free spaces we'll have a railing for Iain to hang his clothes on - he likes putting them on a chair and I trip on the chair all the time! 

The cheap option has the chests of drawers/changing mat section + shelves on the wall that once was a wardrobe door, with, on the long wall, cheaper wardrobes on either side of a shorter unit which has a mirror above it and mirrors on the sides of the wardrobes so I can look and have 3 mirrors at once, like the expensive dresser.... 

The best bit is what happens to the old wardrobe. The hall cupboard basically leads on to this cupboard space again, as it used to and we open the hall cupboard, see the coats and progress within, like Narnia to reach the shelves and storage! Brilliant. The Narnia factor makes the inconvenience worth it! Who really wants to wade through coats .... Well Iain will do most of it anyway, who am I kidding? 

The Viability Scan - guess who has a heartbeat?

Well, we went to Addenbrookes for the viability scan, it was nervewracking, mainly because so many people feel that pregnancies tend to end in tears early on ... I thought things were likely to be fine, and so far so good. It was a jolly uncomfortable scan, but Dr Fatemeh Hoveyda (who did my scan today) turns out to have been an SHO under Miss Whitcroft back in the day ... small world. 

Anyway, she found Lambykins pretty quick, and Iain saw the heartbeat right away, I had a tougher time, as I had a rubbish viewing angle! It was, however, the most beautiful thing I have ever seen - the baby does look like a bean! Far larger than a grain of rice though (stupid internet ticker...) 

So the Dr rooted about some more, checking out the ovaries and all my cysts and follicles, seems crowded in there! 

The gestational sac now measures 24 x 10 x 25 mm, with a 4 x 4 x 5 mm yolk sac, with the embryo with it's heartbeat inside! She thought the baby looked about 6 weeks 3 days ... so that's pretty much perfectly correlated with ovu

lating 3 or 4 days after CD14 on my charts ... Hurrah. My biggest cyst right now, on the left, measures 39 x 31 x 34 mm. That's the low down. 

The pictures above show us happy and relieved after the scan, and the box with the frog on it - Iain kept saying 'Donatello!!' to make me laugh (it's Mr. Jeremy Fisher of course). 

Catch up post - what's been going on?

Well, effectively I have left my fictitious readership on tenderhooks from Saturday to Saturday with no real updates ... I suppose the fact that I know no one reads this, not even Iain, has perhaps doused my enthusiasm as a blogger ... plus I have largely been lethargic, exhausted, bloated, sad - generally I clearly have a lot of progesterone which is wonderful for the baby, a bit rubbish for me. It is really obvious I totally don't come first anymore, I can't say I like that, my natural position is at the centre of the universe. I don't know how to be an aside, an afterthought, in a supporting role, in this, the best story of my life so far. Dunno what to do with myself! Iain was mean enough to say the baby will get all the attention at Christmas and I will get none. Harsh. I thought he loved me.... 

Of course I want the baby to have his or her due, I have not yet worked out the implications for me .... this will be worse than when Rafi was born, or when Saamia's birthday was less than a month away from mine and so the family decided we had to share (yeah, I know ...). The way if worked out, having Rafi and Saamia in my life far outweighed the decrease in love and attention coming my way ... not least because Rafi and Saamia both showered me with love from the start. So I suppose the baby will be the same, perhaps more so as we will be bound by our unique bond, all being well. I guess I have to wait, as I can't tell how it will be now. 

Waiting is such a bore. 

So on Sunday the 3rd we went to Asif Bhai & Rumana Bhabi's to spend the night before making our way to Guildford. It was great being there, we had fun chatting and listening to the Manah Manah song again and again - it's an Ahmed family favourite at the moment, and I found the Muppets clip for Asif Bhai in YouTube, he hadn't seen it before. They had a few horror stories to share about giving birth at St Georges Hospital ... not sure how helpful horror stories are, but I understand the logic behind sharing them. Certain things that go on in hospitals are unacceptable to me - when I'm sick as well as now I'm pregnant. I need my own strength and allies to protect me and work with me. I have 8 months to prepare for battle! 

Monday the 4th was our Guildford day. As it turned out, I saw the dietician Anne Heriott, then had a blood test to check my Beta HCG, and was about to have my ultrasound when Miss Whitcroft realised I had just had one and said no need then, and she whisked me away to her room and we had our consultation right away and were done before lunchtime! Brilliant! We then went into Guildford, shopped at the cookware shop we like (we now have a very big tin for baking a big loaf of bread) and I got Iain a mug that said 'Daddy' all over it. We met Sam Searle for lunch at Giraffe, which was jolly nice of her as she has so much going on right now. It was a nice day out in the end. Good meal too, although when the food came for a moment I wasn't sure if the sick feeling was from the Met, the hunger or the smell of the food ... all was well though, no worries. 

The dietician was very pleased with my weight loss and the inches I've taken off in the last 5 months, and obviously it's all worked. She's happy with my diet, but I need to stay as strict as possible while pregnant and when the baby arrives too. Not as strict as possible considering i'm pregnant - but as strict as it is possible to be. I have to stick to my 3 meals, only go up to 4 if I have a lot of morning sickness, or at the end of the pregnancy when I am hungrier. I am to go back down to 3 when the baby is born. I need to be strict and cut out all the biscuits and sugar, go back to avoiding high GI fruits, avoid all cereal except porridge. So meals look like this:

lunch/dinner - meat or fish with vegetables (green leafy), perhaps some quinoa. Maybe a piece of fruit, a square or 2 of dark chocolate after, perhaps a milkshake - this would be bad though as there's sugar in my preferred milkshake mix. Cheese is also fine as part of the meal. In reality, the meat is often casseroled, or cold meat like Abba used to make. The fish is fresh from the market, marinaded in teriyaki sauce or Nandos sauce and grilled or baked, or I have fish fingers. I can have as much white fish as I want + kippers once or twice a week for the Omega 3. I'm having homemade bread made with stoneground wholemeal and ground linseed, which is also my Omega 3 source and a good source of insurance for my gut, which is already taking a beating from this pregnancy. I can't have much of the bread, but it sure is yummy! Oh, and I'm having prunes too. 

Breakfast - is so much more of a challenge. On paper, omlettes, fried egg on toast, egg-mayonnaise sandwiches, porridge, kippers - what could be easier. You try eating any of that first thing ..... In reality cheese on toast is fast becoming a staple, and vegetable soup with chicken stock is going down well too, specially with bits of meat in it or cheese on the side. I think cheese is gonna be my best friend. 

The good news is it doesn't matter how little I eat, and I can ignore the fact that all the pregnant ladies I know of are on the crackers and sweets. I have my instructions. All I have to do is -

1. have plenty of iron - my beef intake takes care of that, and my green leafies and fruit/veg do too, I just have to have a source of vitamin C at the same time - tomatoes with the meal or an orange after are perfect, which is a big reason why I cook like that. My prenatal multivitamin has iron too. 
   
2. have plenty of calcium - my supplements take care of that, I have calcium with 2 of my Metformin doses and the prenatal multivit with iron and folic acid with the other Met tablet - that way I don't forget to take them and  they don't interfere with eachother's absorption. All the cheese I'm having should help too - I have one or 2 cheese small servings a day now. 
3. take my folic acid tablets regularly and have food rich in folate too.
4. keep my fluids way up - this is hard, but I can have as many sugar free drinks as I want so my choices are not bad. 

Miss Whitcroft was over the moon about the baby and my progress. I know what to do with all my medicines, I'm to stay on my Met, 3 or 4 a day, I can have my Cinnamon, my Cranberry if I want, I'm to have my aspirin every day forever, and my oemeperazole is the same as before - I'm going to ask Dr Middleton about the dosage though. I'll see him on Tuesday the 12th. Basically now it's just waiting, following al the advice, going to all my antenatal appointments and scans etc etc. She said I might want a scan after my 12 weeks and before my 20 weeks ... lets see. 

I'm pretty pleased with how it all went. Waiting is still hard, but I do have a lot to do! 

Oh after lunch Iain took me shopping and we got me a few novels to see me through the next few weeks - I'm bored and restless but can't focus on work. He's so sweet. We also went to Lush and I bought my Therapy massage bar which is fabulous, but not oily enough to ward off any stretch marks in my opinion so I still have a choice (or 2 purchases) to make. 

Then I pretty much stayed in, at home, sleeping and resting, thinking, not really doing much, pondering why my symptoms have all gone ... till Friday the 8th, when I called the Hypnobirthing/Doula lady and found out more about the coffee morning - I'll miss the one in Feb as my midwife is coming that morning, I'll go with Iain to the March one. I think I'll like her. I failed to find an NHS dentist, and then finally it was time to get ready and go to Rafi's birthday drinks in Camden. It was nice to get up, get dressed, go out! Alia was there, and Saida, and Anushe and Jake turned up too - she looked great. It was nice talking to my cousins about our news, and I felt encouraged by their good wishes. I far prefer the goodwill to anything else out there. My sickness appears to be back, on and off, and was particularly bad in the car. 

Ate my last stick of Twix in the car on the way home with lots of lactase tablets - it was not worth it, I'm so over Twix .... sad to say good bye like that, my erstwhile favourite snack x 

I slept as much as I could last night and this morning as was so exhausted. It was really nice to hang out with Iain, he's getting very excited about the baby. He said last night he thinks when we had the ultrasound he saw a dot in the yolk sac for a bit ... not long enough for the sonographer to get a good shot (why didn't she try harder...) but still. I'm glad. That's good news. Roll on Monday! 

Today, Saturday the 9th, I expected to see Chris - but he bailed on account of his new lady, he describes himself quite astutely as a 'bounder' because of this, true, true, very unchivalrous to leave a lady with child all on her lonesome, with chocolate biscuits to eat and no one to share with ... my plan had been to ritually eat the last of the chocolate bourbons with Chris and then let them go as per the Herriot Decree (above). Hmmpphh. Dunno what to do now. Will I ever be free of the dreaded (but delicious) Bourbons Creams? Let us never forget they are the less harmful substitutes for my true nemesis - Oreo cookies. Freedom seems far beyond my reach at this moment .... 

Tomorrow Sunday the 10th should be nice - we're going to Mamma & Abba's now to join them for lunch as Tina and her family are going to be there. I'm to make a steamed pudding and custard so I can have dessert too (what would Anne Herriot say). Maybe I should just not have dessert and ask Mum to serve Ice Cream which I would not touch anyway. 

I have another scan on Monday, and then we were going to pop over to tell Nani & NK about the baby but we might as well spill the beans tomorrow if we are going. I also have a great talk to go to, one of the early modern society ones, on witchcraft, I might get some reading done at the Warburg too. Tuesday afternoon we see Dr Middleton, I want to know what my game plan should be with my gut during this pregnancy, what my bag of tricks could be, and how I'm to live with the crazy acid. I seriously doubt he'll have anything useful to say, as if he starts saying useful things now it will be such a big surprise. However he is all I have access to and this is his last shot, everyone deserves a last shot. We're going to ikea after (Milton Keynes) to check out 

possible furniture options. After that there's nothing on the cards till I see the midwife on the 19th. 

Ok, I really do feel sick now....

So we're pretty much down to one symptom?

Hey everyone, where did my nausea go? Oh, hang on ... maybe it's back ... 

This pregnancy lark has been a bit of an anticlimax this past week ... I blame the world of course ... which tells me this is the progesterone speaking (that's a good sign!). Basically I don't really have any symptoms... except exhaustion and generally feeling a bit bleaagh and unmotivated (as you know, I haven't been writing blog posts). Waiting for scans is not good for the soul. Darned progesterone. 

Other good news - the second Beta number from blood taken at the Surrey Park Clinic on Monday the 4th was 9098.6 IU/L which means the numbers doubled from Friday, so what more can I ask for? 

5 Weeks and 6 days ... or am I?

Well, had my scan at the Rosie today, a nice black lady with dreadlocks - think little Whoopie - did it, Beatrice. On top of my tum first, and she could kinda see something with fluid in, inside my uterus, but needed a better look see, so in we went with the transvaginal thing ... wasn't that bad, Iain held my hand and my breathing is really very good now so I was fine. She talked me through what she saw which was considerate. 

There was a marked difference in what we were looking at - I was interested in the baby, she was interested in ascertaining I don't have anything looking like an ectopic pregnancy. Interesting, and she commented on it too. Also, I think she is good at seeing stuff and describing/labelling it - but she's no RE, she's not an expert in PCOS or anything, so she couldn't really tell me what any of it meant for my pregnancy. 

There is still a chance that something is ectopic and we won't know till later, but it's unlikely now, and it would be in addition to whatever is in the yolk sac. The baby, such as it is, we couldn't see him/her - looks like we are 5 weeks not 6 weeks pregnant - may or may not be developing as s/he should. We are to have a viability scan on the 11th Feb at the Rosie. 

I'm glad we are going to the Surrey Park Clinic on Monday, as I would like to know more, and have another Beta done. My beta HCG was 4363, which is fine for 5 weeks, but the level is unimportant compared to the doubling effect that should be going on ... so need another test. [See www.birth.com/au] 

Like I said, today she rooted around a fair bit, and my gestational sac is within the intrauterine cavity, measuring 13 mm x 4 mm x 5 mm, and the yolk sac is 3 mm x 3.9 mm x 3,.7 mm. She also saw a small amount of fluid somewhere in there, which she said is not unusual (31 x 8 x 9 mm) and there were follicles on both ovaries (again, not unusual) - I'd like to know what they are for, which one is the corpus luteum etc. The largest follicle on the right ovary measures 22 mm wide, and the largest on the left is 'septated' and measures 46 mm wide. 

We're telling Rafi & Fi tomorrow morning! Hurray. Told Areeba, she called about Rafi's birthday. I think things are gonna be fine, and if not, will deal then. 

What annoyed me is the real downer the nurses were on, scaring me, when they gave me my results - like it's all over already!!! WHY?? All that has happened for sure is that a pregnancy has begun that is about 5 weeks along to look at, and we'll know if it's going well once enough time has passed ...! Duh! 

Best laid plans ....

Well, scrap all those plans for Tarzan, and the Early Modern film night ... maybe even the Cysters meet on Sunday. I was exhausted just walking from Kings X to see Michael, and though we had a great chat, and he bought me lasagne ... which was nice (not the pasta which was a bit undercooked, but the meal was not bad), we changed our plan drastically and I felt I needed to work out what and how I would do the next piece of work and was cold, tired and sick, so went home very early. Certainly could not face Tarzan. 

Anyway, Michael was touchingly excited about the baby, and of being pregnant vicariously through me once in a while ('It's not likely to happen to me after all!' - sweetheart, isn't he?), I am very grateful for the support. As ever, he had a brilliant plan that works well for me. He is taking into account the possibility that I won't want to go back to finish after the baby comes - it happens. He's also wondering how we can make the most of the time we have and my projected physical abilities over the next few months. So instead of writing the early chapters now, I'm to work on Robinson right away, which I am very excited about. Iain and I will go to Carlisle, maybe in April, and I'll uncover it all!! The other priority is the conference paper at Oxford and hopefully the IHR student conference. Stake my claim as it were. He said even if I don't finish in the end, if I do the work on Robinson now, we could salvage a paper when I come back after my 'leave' at least. A good way back in if I am unsure. Of course I could come back in all guns blazing, who knows. This way, we have everything open to us. 

So that was good, except when I came home, and later that night I started to feel sad, I know that kind of sadness, it is letting go of things, a necessary part of going through something this big, and the fact that I know what I am doing, and that I am organising my options is making me more sad, as I don't have the distraction of worry. I know what is important to me right now, I know what my ideal plans are over the next few months, from writing, to cooking, to exercising, ante-natal classes etc etc, I know what I want to ask my parents to do to help me, I know the parties I want and when, the major things I want to buy - I know the baby is still hardly a baby, and it is too early for any certainty, but I am not worried, as I am doing all I want to and feel I need to. It is just a lot of waiting now, and patiently doing every boring thing I think I should do. The sadness is unsurprising and I hope it passes soon. At least it is not a feeling of ill will, or a feeling something is wrong. Mostly I feel all is well. I am still unsure how hard a hit my body will take with the high levels of hormones, I worry about that, but only as an unknown - I had a scare today which made me realise that is the danger of dodgy symptoms - I can disrupt my calm and focus if I have too many scary days. 

The scary part started about lunchtime, pains in the left side. At first I was not worried, had I lain a bit carelessly, stayed abed too long etc. Got up, walked about, cooked a bit. It was getting worse. Tried to stretch a bit, gently. Was in tears by the time Iain got home for lunch. Had some help from him in the kitchen and ate a bit of protein when he left, but the pain just gor owrse and worse and the paracetamol did nothing. So I called Anabel the midwife, she was kind, and listened to me and was honest and said probably not a bad sign because no spotting or bleeding, but as the pain was so bad, could be ectopic or a miscarriage, although it was unlikely that I'd have ectopic pregnancy pain yet. She told me to call my GP and ask that they call the hospital as I should have a scan. 

Roysia surgery took good care of me, Dr Seymour stayed on to see me, and I called Iain and he came to get me and took me to her. By then the pain was seriously bad. It was left side, starting a couple of inches above the pubic bone maybe, snaking up a few inches, and going through the back too, the back pain a bit like kidney pain, the front pain a bit more crampy like something to do with womeny-stuff. Very confusing as it was spreading then concentrating, and I couldn't move easily, it hurt so much. 

Dr Seymour talked to me, and examined me, and she made me feel better because, as usual she treated me like a real person, with sense, not like a nutcase like some doctors do. She had a good old root around and the good news immediately was that my uterus and ovaries and whatnot didn't seem to be causing me pain. That's not a guarantee that all is well with Lambykins, but a darned good sign! 

She called the hospital and spoke to them, they wanted to see me right away so off we went. She offered me an ambulance which was less than reassuring ... needless to say we drove. 

Listened to Greenday and Plain White Ts and Crowded House on the way if anyone is interested! If we have a daughter I'll name her Delilah. (LOL!!!) 

Anyway, we got to the Daphne Ward at the Rosie Hospital (it's part of Addenbrookes) in good time. We couldn't work out the short cut but WE KNOW IT NOW!!! No more 10 mile trudge for me..... The place was kinda empty and it did take a while for the Dr to see me, but we were ok, they were nice enough. The Dr, Steven, turned out to be a PhD student from Kings learning to be a Gynaecologist at Addenbrookes ... well, hmmpph, am not inspired with a lot of confidence, he didn't know about IR or PCOS etc so they clearly don't teach Drs about us yet, I knew that, but I don't think it will change any time soon either, and basically I am on my own in that hospital. Hope I don't have to fight for anything, it is too hard to do lightly and so draining. He was a good doctor though, trying his best, not as underconfident as he might have been. He managed to get blood out of me! I get my Beta HCG (sp?) results tomorrow when I go for an ultrasound at 11:00. 

I think it could be my gut, could even be a cyst, none of which need bother the bub. I just need to sleep so I can wake up tomorrow, ready to see the baby on the screen! Well, a dot perhaps. I hope all is well. 

Sleep well Me, and do your thing small one - hope we are still together tomorrow, and that you have made your way to a safe place for the both of us. xx