Under 10 days to go!!

So we had our appointment we dreaded so much yesterday at the Rosie, where the big bad OB was gonna tell us when Baby has to come ...

What a nice surprise - we saw a Dr Hackett, and he was extremely civil and respectful and reassuring. He reassured us again about the baby's kidneys, and we assured him right back that we were not worried either. Will wait to know more after the baby is born, and wait till we actually have something to worry about ... as far as we know, all will be well anyway and we'll never have to worry about his kidneys, which would suit me just fine because I am sure I will find many other things to worry about!!

After that, Hackett talked about my GD - how was I doing etc, and as it is still freakishly well controlled and even getting EASIER to control, he turned to the baby's scans and his size and amniotic fluid levels, blood flow to him from me etc - and all of it is very good, has been all through. So the Dr said we don't need to worry about him yet, you both look very healthy, no need to talk about induction yet, lets see if he can come by 40 weeks. Maybe induce him just before he is due if he has not come yet. We can decide next week after the 39 week scan. 

Rah!!!! 

I am happy enough with that. I have a weeks peace, and I feel so at peace now! The acupuncture and reflexology I had definitely has got things started, as I have contractions now, on and off, and the period-pain kinda pain is still going on in the background. Hackett felt my tummy and said the baby's head was 2 fifths in my pelvis and 3 fifths was still out for him to feel - pretty good as he was not anywhere there before - I thought he had moved down a bit and he has. Of course it means nothing in terms of when will he come out ... ditto the contractions, I can have them on and off for weeks ... but to me, they are all signs that things are happening, and I trust my body and my baby to do all that needs to be done in good time. 

I have acupuncture and reflexology booked for the second half of next week, and Sarah gave me some homoeopathic stuff last night to start taking. Will see how it all goes. I want to enjoy this week, as of course next week I may well be under pressure to induce. 

Am interested to see how the baby is doing by Tuesday. I do want to see him soon ... and he will be here soon, one way or the other. 

We also went to Sarah's last night for our Doula session, saw a video with some positive births (Russian ones!) which was lovely, we had a good talk with Sarah, and made plans, clarified things I need to ask the midwife, and we did some hypnotherapy - a fear release that was pretty powerful, and it is one I feel comfortable with now. The fear was about the horror-induction-hospital scenario - much of which I have learned to deal with, with the hospital's help and Sarah's help, Iain's support and my own hard work. It really helps to have my friends' encouragement too ... I did want a tribe for myself and the baby and I appear to have a tribe of sorts ... disjointed though it is. Modern life, eh? I have so many people to hold dear in my heart after the past 9 months ... such a contrast to when I was 17 and had so many people to be wary of because of things they had done or not done ... 

Have come a long way!! Good thing too, little Baby Jaan deserves a lot more than I had to offer him a few years ago. 

So THE PLAN NOW -

I have a to-do list:

1. Take Sarah's Homoeopathic remedy for 3 days Thu-Sat, take 3 days off and have the 2nd dose Wed-Fri.
2. Tuesday is a big day - have the scan, early in the morning, then reflexology before lunch (hopefully at the Cricketers with Iain!! as Alwyn the reflexologist lives next door pretty much ... ) and then we can go hear what the Doctors have to say about the scan. Maybe the baby will come that night anyway.
3. If not, I have acupuncture on Wednesday. I guess Thursday or Friday would be the induction day of choice for the hospital ... Baby is not really due till Monday 29th ... maybe they do a Sunday night start and he can come on Monday, be ready for his scan on Tuesday ... That would be ok with me ... I dunno, depends on the scan and how hard they press me. Depends on how I feel too - Baby is getting very heavy. He is lying somewhere which is probably good for coming down ... but its not nice for me to walk down the hill, or get up from bed/sofa. 
4. I have no fear as such, I am happy he is coming. I made a decision  many years ago to do this, and have been training for this time all my life - literally since I was a little girl myself. I did the best I could always to get to this point, did not actually always do the best thing - ignorance!! - but have compensated as much as I could in the last year, and have definitely done my best, my very best for the first time in my life. The only improvement would have been perfect meals at every meal and 3 hours exercise every single day - not possible with all the balancing I have had to do. So that's a moot point!  So he will be here, and I will do the best I can to bring him here safely and calmly and happily - not just for me, for my own happiness, but for him, for his life - it starts on earth as he comes out, and its really important how that is. Every sign points to all good things, and I love those signs. 
5. Am seeing the midwife tomorrow - she should be here at 10:00. I need to ask her when she would want me to call her, how long she would take to get here, and how can I be sure it won't be Sally-with-attitude rocking up. 

Iain's gone out for his last night out at the cinema before Baby gets here! Am glad he's getting the chance. I've been nesting and tidying all day! The cupboard under the sink in the kitchen and the new over-the-fridge cupboard are all re-organised and stocked up - I even have the birthing-day biscuits in tins!! Chocolate in one, gingernuts in another, my krackawheat in a third, the rich teas in the last one - LOL!!! Must not eat them yet!! They are for the people who come along .... We have a load of the breadsticks with the parmesan and olive oil in them too, which I love. Not sure if I will be hungry before or after Baby ... or what I would even want to eat, but it feels good to have measurable carbs in the house!! 

I cleaned the bath and the tiles ... I think we need stronger stuff for the tiles ... that will have to wait, now is not the time! At least it's clean. Then I sorted through my jewellery and stocks of soap and bath stuff and moisturiser and it is all boxed up now ready for the Narnia cupboard, thank goodness - I have all I can use for the next few months out and ready. Baby's stuff is all out too, where his stuff is meant to be. His clothes could probably do with re-sorting ... I dunno which outfits are smallest any more as they were washed by colour obviously, not size. I still have one load I can do, and his gorgeous nappies have yet to be washed. I'll wait to do them. 

Just the CDs and DVDs to do - we just have the 2 Bennos in the study now and they need to be sorted so one has the overspill of DVDs and the other has the CDs we want up here, and the rest have to go down. The baskets and boxes we have up here need to go down ... Iain can do all that and we'll have a clear room - in every room!! And I can just chill, and chill some more!  

38 Weeks + 3 days ... am hanging on to the joy of having the baby with me

Well, the ticker says 1 week and 4 days left. 

I do know it's not an exact science, and I did ovulate and implant with some delay - I know that because of the records I kept myself and the very early scans when I had those pains. There is no reason to think all that was for nothing and the baby will come before 40 weeks is up ... his 40 weeks may be the hospital notes' 40 weeks + 5 days! 

I doubt they care about my timeline though, I am being treated with as much respect as the system can allow, but that cannot extend to actually accepting what I think I know when it is totally outside whatever it is that is the norm in their world. It's not personal, it's just one reality squidging along next to another. 

I do feel squidged though, and cross that I have to listen to such a lot of stuff just so I can get the information and advice that I DO want. Today we will go in to the Rosie and hopefully see Miss Charlotte Patient, the Obstetrician in charge of my case there, and she will, I hear, tell me when my baby needs to come. She'll also plan the birth she would choose for me. I am interested to know more about such a plan. I would rather know, and come to terms with it, and work out how best to do what I need to do. I would like to know her reasons for not just waiting, or just leaving me alone. I would like to know if my baby's scans have revealed anything about his size or weight that is relevant to an early induced birth. I'd also want to know if a sweep would be a good idea now. 

I'll be very cross if we are strung along for another week, I am sick of going in there, the games they play with moving goal-posts is insulting. I would rather have honesty. It is unnecessary and very rude. Their protocols don't change, I would rather just know what they think. 

So what is 38 weeks like? 

Physically I am achey, just in a band around the base of my bump, and my back opposite that space. The bump is heavy and of course my muscles are lax there now. I can feel my hips and pubic bones ache and move about a bit, as they should do. I don't put a lot of strain on these bones, or my tummy muscles -  none of the pain is strong, none of it lasts more than a few seconds, it really is nothing compared to what I am used to, pain-wise. It is boring as it is discomfort, but nothing that is giving me a sign that things are happening. 

I am still pooing more often than usual - which has been going on for about a month, and I see that as a sign that things are rearranging and contracting within, even though I feel very little of this. I guess my pain threshold is very high. 

I can still walk, bend all the way down to pick something off the floor, lift my legs to take off nail-polish, moisturise etc, although I have to take my time in order to avoid injury/loss of balance. I don't always want to do any of these things, but that's another story! 

We tried the birthing pool the other night and I want it all the time now - I didn't even realise I had aches and pains ... until I got in!!! They melted away and I loved it. Iain thought I would. Am looking forward to using it. 

I ache most at night, and after lying down for a long time, so mornings are not that nice now. It's not terrible - but it's not a nice way to wake up. 

Emotionally I am very happy about a number of things -

• Those closest to me have been making a big effort to support and reassure me, and help me enjoy this last stage of pregnancy, which is very much appreciated. 
  
• Iain and I are very much together on what we want and what we need to do for the baby, we are preparing for the birth, and I would not want to do this any other way, so I am glad to have him. Sarah is being immensely supportive, her advice is very good, and she is helping me remember to see every option for what it is, something I am perfectly capable of doing ... but as we all know that is never a guarantee that the person will actually do it! 
• I have been thinking about my options carefully and talking to some people, not just Sarah. I've had reassurance from her, from Iain, from Beverley Beech, the AIMS chairman whom I emailed, from the Acupuncturist Vivien, Julie who I did yoga classes with, Chris and Julie (my friend Julie!) and even from Rafi who called the other day - I don't think I'm crazy or being irresponsible or taking unnecessary risks. Neither do they. I have been listening, and trying to really try and hear what these carefully chosen people think ... I don't want to have made up my mind and stick rigidly to an idealised scenario as I don't believe that is useful or appropriate in a birthing situation. I am happy and confident that I am doing my best, and that so far, all appears well. 
• Our home is just lovely - sure there are still a few bags and boxes to go down to the garage, and we didn't finish our list of tasks - but the floors are nice, the walls are nice, the Narnia cupboard, even without a door is great - our shoes and my bags are all on the shelves and we have space to put other stuff - wonder what will end up in there ... (I don't want Iain spending 'spare' time on a door! We can hang out instead!!).
  
• The baby's corner in the lounge, his 'nursery' has a nice feel to it, I think. It's only his cradle, his changing station and the breast-feeding chair my mother used with us 3 .... but I have saved space for Baby's swing, playmat etc for the months to come. I like the space. I hope he will too. 
• Even the study looks nice - despite the boxes we have yet to remove, and despite the modifications we have yet to make ... it will be even nicer soon.

Basically, we know how we want it all to look soon, but we also know plans could change once the baby is here - it's his home too and with such a little home, like ours, we are happy to take our time and get it just right. 

However there are sadnesses too - 

• Pressure from the hospital has been getting me down. The kidney thing is not really something to worry about, and I don't worry or think about it, it is just a scheduled thing to deal with post-birth. One of many things. And I am very happy that I have not been bombarded with pressure and scare-stories regarding all that, the hospital has been open and forthcoming with information and support. The pressure is all about birthing early and making me feel like a bad mother if I want to wait. The pressure is in being there ... week after week ... waiting in their disorganised, badly managed disarray, feeling pressurised, tired, bored and hungry, wondering why on earth anyone would willingly have a baby there. Psychologically it is always a big blow. I don't look forward to it - I am never sure who I will see, what will be said, there is really no reliable pattern, it is all set up to scare, disconcert and coerce. The fact that they try and treat me with respect is appreciated, but I'm not stupid, and can see what it all is ... and where I fit in ... and it's not nice. 
• I do feel as if the only doubts and fears in my mind have been pushed on to me by the hospital system - we have taken as many steps as we can to minimise this problem - we went and had a long LONG session with one of the midwives and made a plan for birthing there. I am happy with the plan, I mean, it's still not my plan as such to birth there, but should I get there, I am happy with that plan. I don't like the lack of confidence my Community Midwives are showing. They would clearly prefer it if I was the Rosie's problem .... if I was going there for sure. In an emergency situation I could well end up at the Lister, which would suck because I have never been there. I dunno if they can follow my Rosie Plan. I don't see what else I can do - we have made peace with every possible location, we have made a plan, we are encouraging the baby to come and preparing ourselves as much as we can, we are open to membrane sweeps, even open to induction with all the methods the hospital recommends - it's a sliding scale of less-than-ideal, but I really, really do believe we will know what to do, and just want information and professional recommendations - I can't stand it when the pressure gets piled on as a routine thing - WHY??? They have spent months watching me, and talking to me. I refuse to stand for the crappy pressure - it sets me back so much. 
• Other people's sadnesses have always got me down, and there are sadnesses around me, which seep in through my skin. I can't change things for other people, I know that, I don;t even want to any more like I used to. I feel bad for my part in making other people unhappy - and I am sorry to say I have made more than one person's sadness worse recently, wither through my own preoccupation with my baby & the resulting insensitivity to their issues, or because I cannot spend any of my energy on their problems - one situation in particular, I am not sure, but in some ways the people concerned seem to feel I should either be wallowing with them in misery or somehow give them some sunshine so they have some respite - and to be honest, they are in such a pickle, I feel I need to keep my pregnant self and my innocent baby well away ... it's too much, it's beyond me, and I think, actually, beyond any happy resolution. Sadnesses like that are poison, they seep in, congeal around one's heart, lungs, stomach, gut and womb - and I have to stay well, have to be okay, I have so much to do, to keep the baby safe now, and to help him thrive when he comes out. 

Physically there have been highs recently - 

• My sugar levels have been phenomenally good, and so easy to manage - this is a sure sign - telling me what I need to do - trust my body, all will be well with my numbers on B-Day. They have confused me a little as Simmonds was warning me about them RISING at this last stage, not going down. I have been eating food with sugar in during my meals as part of my meals - including sugary fruit, chocolate and biscuits. Not huge amounts, but certainly normal servings, and my numbers are great even after 1.5 hours. This is not usual for someone who is meant to be such a freak. 
  
• The baby moves about every day, all day. He stretches out his leg, he turns his back/butt about once in a while, I got a few sharper kicks outward (unusual) when I had Reflexology yesterday - it was definitely making contractions happen, which must have thrown the baby! The day before that I had Acupuncture, just a short session to hopefully get things started, and he did respond to that too, moving about a lot more, and then turning himself this way and that (moving down maybe?) over the later part of the evening. Well, am still not in labour, so lets see. 

The downsides have been hardly any practice contractions ... that I can feel, so I dunno how things are going as such, not that Braxton Hicks' tell you when your baby is coming ... so on the one hand who cares, on the other hand, I have nothing to focus on as such, and monitor and try and speed up or whatever - I dunno, I guess it's not like it would be a comfort or a help if I WERE having lots of contractions ... 

I have been focusing on breathing, on visualisation, and trying to stay stress-free, at least as often as I can be. I know it is simple, and the best thing to do, it's more powerful and proactive than all the other things I could do - such as sew, tidy and do laundry like a mad thing, cook and cook and freeze and freeze, socialise and stuff. I am not doing much of anything other than staying close to where I want to start my birthing, taking care of my body and my spirits as best as I can, trying to counter the sadness and frustration, the stress of the situation - it should not be that way, and people are wrong to pile on the pressure. I am strong, I know I am, never more than now, but I don't know the limits of my strength, or the strength of my failings/weaknesses, so who knows how things will work out?

Reading the Baby Books - Baby Whisperer, Happiest Baby and Gina Ford

So I have been reading/re-reading! It has occurred to me that I saved these books up till this late stage of pregnancy for a reason .... they are pretty dull on the whole, I knew this when I skimmed them at the start of the pregnancy, when having an actual baby seemed so far away, keeping homd of the foetus seemed so much more of an issue. 

Adjusting from infertility, to medication that works, to an early pregnancy to an almost full-term baby inside me, a baby who has been very much alive, noticably so for months - since I was about 12 weeks pregnant I think .... it has all been a very long journey, one I am very grateful for. My baby has been excellent company, and I fully intend to return the favour when he is out. He will be so small, and the transition for him, I expect will be far more challenging for him than for me - I have a 31 year head start, I can speak, read, and am free to make my own choices - and I am physically far stronger than he is. 

As far as I can gather, no amount of reading will actually prepare me, as in let me know what to do step by step - the huge unknown factor is the baby. But keeping my wits about me, paying attention to the baby himself rather than simply playing out any instructions I have received, and working with Iain and anyone else who is there to help us seems like a sound plan. I don't expect to know what to do immediately, but I do expect to be able to work it out fairly soon, bit by bit - he will not need all things all at once, he will have one specific need at a time, sometimes in isolation, sometimes in combination - none of them incredibly complicated in themselves. Each thing - food, shelter, clothing, comfort, soothing, rest, illness, pain, growth spurts, doctors appointments, long days, discomfort, travelling, being too tired, bored or restless, needing stimulation or having had too much, confusion or distress brought on by the unexpected/break from what he expects, sunlight in his eyes .... etc etc ... all these things, the solutions I am sure will be of varying difficulty - moving him out of sunlight is easy, soothing him if he is bawling less so. Feeding him may well be easy - or may be a right pain, even fruitless. Who knows? All I know is he is going to be here soon, and once he is here, I have time to work it out. 

The three books I started with, to get some practical tips and try and imagine how to tackle the early months have been Tracy Hogg's Baby Whisperer book, Gina Ford's Contented Little Baby book, and Dr Harvey Karp's Happiest Baby on the Block book and DVD. 

Now I have to say, Gina Ford's book largely makes me feel a bit ill. I do always say her methods clearly work - look at Safeera, Dhameer, Brishti and Zain, and young Ethan too - comparing these kids to other kids we know (and please remember ... we only see these kids once in a while, of course we don't know what they are like all the time ... but in terms of how they cope with going out and socialising, living day to day within and outside their routine ...) these kids are extremely well adjusted and well behaved - a joy to be around. They listen to their parents and are clearly secure in themselves and in their families, they don't do dangerous things, cry and make a fuss all the time, they are happy to wave their parents goodbye for quite a range of lengths of time - these are all things I believe a parent should be able to help their children learn by the time they are running about. 

I can't imagine I can do the blackout blinds, the controlled crying, the placing the baby in his own room, and the drain-each-breast feeds though. First of all, the fore-milk followed by hind-milk theory that dictates these long feeds is an outdated theory now - it has been disproved, so that is a pressure I can ignore, thank goodness. It will be hard enough feeding I am sure. So much of her system is dictated by this theory, that it becomes very difficult to evaluate her system once the necessity for the long feeds is removed. 

What I found useful about her routines is the knowledge that he will need food, little at a time, and that often - he needs to eat often like me, we shall chug along well together, Baby and me, now that I understand. I also found it useful to learn he has to sleep that often. A combination of that knowledge is very, very useful as a rough guide. I will re-read her routines, and watch the baby, and see if he seems to be quite happy eating and sleeping at roughly her guideline intervals. Anushe told me should found them to be a great guide too,  helped her decipher some of Milen's fusses. I am impressed by Ford's research and data - her babies do thrive, and she has a good point with the routines - for parents who really expect life to go on as before, a system like this would help organise the transition to reality, and help manage the sense of loss, I am sure. 

I am also impressed with her observation that feeding on demand is an idea that is taken too literally, and that is why mothers end up feeding all night and everyone has a rubbish time of it. Good point, and actually I never thought feeding on demand actually LITERALLY meant the newborn choosing his feed times, as if he knows anything about organising the family's day!!! 

At Antenatal class I realised Iain does actually anticipate being tired and grumpy after sleepless nights when the baby wakes us and wakes us to cry, fuss and feed ... I guess he was a bit scared of how mean he will get, how tired he will be, and honestly, I think all that is a load of drama that we should try and avoid or minimise. Of course, our baby could easily be the kind that cries all night no matter what we do, or he could just as easily be the sort who sleeps easily and wakes every 3 or 4 hours and feeds and that is all. Iain can sleep in those blocks and function just fine, so if that's the case, no worries. If the crying a lot part lasts a month or two, that too is fine, he will, I am sure be ok enough to salvage enough of his day to get by. The problems would start if it goes on indefinitely. 

I'm taking it seriously, of course - he didn't make it a big deal, and he did also say he thought it would bring us closer together, caring for the baby at night, in the long run, but still, sleep time is pretty important. SO, taking Gina Ford's plan into consideration, helping the baby need sleep at night, and offering him food at regular intervals so he is fed, as he needs/'demands' it ... with me keeping track for us, as the baby will not be able to ... sounds like a good plan. Am not hoping for the moon .... 

I am sure it is tiring, and I am considering having Mamma over to stay some nights to keep me company, feed me while I feed the baby, care for him so I can sleep if he is fussing. Perhaps Paula will do it on occasion, maybe Jules will sometimes. Iain will help some nights too, and with plenty of help, I don't see why I can't do it myself the remaining nights. It's tiring, by all accounts - so getting help to share the tiring parts seems the obvious solution. From what I read in Ford's book, and by talking to Cathy who is doing very well breastfeeding Arti, but facing challenges all the way too - Ford is right, it is hard to remember and put into practice all the tips on latch etc when we are very, very tired - Mummy AND Baby. 

So help, help and more help. 

I actually read the Baby Whisperer book before reading Gina Ford - I like Tracey Hogg's attitude towards the baby - treating him with respect and as a person, protecting his own space etc. I like her corny EASY and SLOW ideas - feeding him, changing him/playing with him/cleaning him and then putting him down for a sleep, then eating or taking care of myself before he is up and ready to eat again (the EASY part) seems very sensible. And taking the time to Stop, watch and observe him, take a fresh breath and think before I sort him out seems a far quicker way of understanding him too (the SLOW part). It's a good approach and Hogg was convinced she could read the baby's body language - I believe her and am looking forward to using her charts to decipher my baby's actions. I do believe he will start of communicating with me, and if I listen and respond then his skills will develop further, and if I ignore the cues he will stop using them. Baby's are small but it is idiotic to underestimate them. 

It occurred to me ages ago that the way I treat Iain is a good indication of how I will treat the baby - the body language, the cues - ok, not exactly the same as we can take care of ourselves, but so many of the cues I read about echo what we seem to do. For example, at sleepy time, if we haven't really hung out much and are too sleepy to talk but want some comfort, we seem to move our cheeks near each other - neither of us make any effort to make eye contact, even holding hands is optional, perhaps touch feet for a few seconds. My understanding is a tired baby will not be making eye contact either, but will similarly do other, easier, less awakening things to get some TLC. 

I don't feel I can put the baby in his own cot as a default choice as Hogg suggests .... it all depends on the baby and how we feel once he is here. I am reserving judgement on that one. 

Other than that, I suspect I will use her book a fair bit. 

Harvey Karp's book - Baby Bliss - which was formerly the Happiest Baby on the Block I am very, very pleased with. It is refreshing to read such a positive book. His way of saying things is full of the excitement and joy I feel when I think of the baby coming. I am looking forward to learning how to care for him, I am not sad about how much I will have to give up. Being tired all the time is not new to me, being tired for a wonderful reason WILL BE NEW! LOL - I have nothing to lose if I have the baby. His 'secrets' - oh the drama! - the 5 tricks - swaddling, putting him on his side, shushing (playing white noise to him), swinging, and using his ability to suck are all simple enough to do, intuitive enough, and sensible enough for me to buy in to - they will all take a lot of practice to get just right. That is fine. His Fourth Trimester concept is also fine by me - there IS something different about a newborn, I can accept that, and even if the baby were good to go when he is born, I certainly need at least a couple of months to adjust, perhaps 4 at a minimum - like anything else I do. I know myself, my body's abilities. I will need a couple of months to recover my body to even a base-level of okay-ness in terms of internal healing and my gut. I will need time to readjust my food to my new needs. There will be hospital and other medical appointments, disruptions in my food plans caused by all the time spent outside, and all the food disruptions caused by having the new baby around. In all this time the baby still needs caring for and both lines of work need to progress in tandem - I cannot keep helping him if I ruin my own body in the first 2 months. Adrenalin is not a long-term option for either of us, specially bearing in mind I will not have HRT again for some time. 

So whether we look at it as HIS fourth trimester, when he is still foetus-like, or whether we just need to keep him small and safe and working with my limited capacity for 3 months while we both adjust to what lies ahead - that period is definitely sacred in this house, and I am not at all prepared to let anyone play fast and loose with what we need to do in that time. 

Some people do seem fairly cavalier about this time ... I disapprove of that and feel it's a bit risky to start off on potentially shaky footing ... definitely for me, I need to be well, as well as can be. 

Other reading - My food plan will be a modified, well monitored evolution from my pregnancy eating plan - I will use Patrick Holford & Susannah Lawson's Optimum Nutrition for before, during and after pregnancy, and their book on balanacing hormones too, along with what I know about my own eating needs. 

I still believe in the sort of parenting Jean Leidloff describes, and that I have seen as a child myself in Bangladesh. I am still keen on what I have understood from the Sears' books. I am going to try the Elimination Control ideas/Diaper Free stuff, we'll carry the baby is a sling, we'll co-sleep using the Tres Tria, and we'll put him in his Miyo Hammock for naps. I have his little cups and larger doidy cups to try if we need to feed him expressed milk or formula, we also have some bottles on standby, to use for feeds or to store milk. We have his potties, and we have books and websites to go through to help us try these things out and learn. 

Ultimately we learn from and with the baby, and books aside, we have me, Iain and little one - huge amounts of the best possible data in interactive form!! 

36 weeks at last.

Am far cheerier today than when I wrote my last post. Can you see my lovely hair???? 

I have pretty highlights and look well nice ... am hoping Baby will say 'wow Mummy look at your hair ...'  ... well, say it in his little baby heart, in my imagination ... whatever ... who knows what he will really think ... I may as well imagine something nice! 

So I am cheery, not just for my hair's sake, but other reasons too. 

Partly this is due to empathy and understanding from my friends (thank goodness for them!!), Iain and even my parents - they are so happy that our baby is coming soon, they are getting excited, which is fine for them ... I am less keen on the second-hand-Adrenalin .... but their happy faces are nice to see, reminds me of the baby ... no doubt his happy face will please me similarly. The parent-child-parent pattern is .... er ... a pattern, basically a displaced repeat, a delayed reaction, a repeat reaction. Luckily it's complex and encoded, and I can re-write some of the code LOL!!! 

I am also feeling better after having a whine about my food (poor, poor me!) and yet maintained my diet and perfect sugar scores (yaay me) - so I just need to do this for one more week and I am home free IMO. There will be nothing more for me to do ... the rest is up to fate, Allah, the Baby, nature and coincidence. All I know is, there are certainly not 36 weeks to go .... so I can't complain! 

I am still happy to be pregnant. The baby is great, he kicks about like a happy little thing, all the kicks are up near my right side, I get the occasional twinge in what may well be my cervix, (who knows where it all is these days!!) - Iain and I are having bizarre adventures with the EPO and perineal massage every evening - it's a team effort, we need all the hands, arms and expertise we have ... nothing is quite where we expect it to be anymore!!! What IS the baby doing in there?? Redecorating?? Landscaping?? It's a laugh some nights, and we have to take a step back and re-assess other nights. I suppose it is no bad thing to have to do that ... overcome a challenge calmly. Surely night feeds and nappy changes and the baby when he has some sort of problem will similarly require our combined efforts, all our hands and wits too! 

So while it's not exactly fun, everyone I know who did the perineal massage has told me it worked for them ... so we're sticking to it. It's something proacative to do, anyway ... I still get a back or full body massage every other night or so (Iain is very kind) unless Iain is very

very sleepy. I am still sleeping like a log every night, waking up at about 6 am now, rather than 5 am, which is nice. I have been drinking at night, hoping that it does wake me ... 

I prefer to get up and wee, and make sure the baby is moving about - it's a bit long for me to sleep all night and just leave him to his own devices ... his kicks don't hurt me so I don't wake up. Not sure we are geared up here to do anything about it if he stops kicking .... but there is really no one else to keep an eye on him/be there for him ... so there you go. 

It's not great trying to turn over in bed or get out of bed - my tummy is very heavy and my tummy muscles are totally useless right now (rightly so), and my hips ache when I try to move like that (they are fine the rest of the time). I have found that as long as I use my leg muscles, and maybe my arms, and get on all fours, I can get up from bed or lying otherwise pretty easily with no pain as such. I have been lying on my left side a lot, supported by the sofa and cushions, I am trying to give the baby space, keep my circulation going (slightly raised leg), and it seems to help take the pressure off. My back and sides are fine. I am also walking and doing chores, cooking, tidying, laundry etc each day, keeping the limbs moving, and the yoga - I wish I had the energy every day, I don't, but every other day for sure, plenty of inverted postures, squats and balance postures. Partly I am checking my body to make sure the hip pains are just my body preparing for birthing, not anything trickier, and the seated postures and inverted ones are also a good guide for me to make sure my digestive system is still ok - I have not had indigestion or reflux or anything so far, and I keep testing my muscles - am not sure if it is at all scientific to try and tell this when I am partway inverted ... but I know in the past when my oesophegus was rubbish, a downward dog would have thrown me somewhat, would have felt bleagghhy with bile, and am fine now. 

I do get tired, exhausted even (rarely) - a little exercise and regular rest seems to work, and listening to my body in terms of response to food - insulin levels etc, using my sugar readings (I take a lot of readings) mean my energy levels are pretty good. 

I do have a lot to do in the next few weeks ... 

the baby's sections of each room are still not done (put together) and personally I don't want to do them once he is here ... what a drag. I don't want to do it now, am not gonna want to do it then. 

I have books to read and re-read - have read the Tracy Hogg book and am on Gina Ford this morning ... the sooner I decide what I'm going to bother to take out of those books the better ... they are not exactly fun to read!

I've started on Iain's Handbook for once the baby gets here ... it's meant to include his cookbook too ... plus I have my pregnancy diary and the pregnancy photobook to finish. I did plan to do all these things in this last month .... but even so ... nothing is particularly interesting any more ... am just a bit slow and a living from one sugar reading to another. I do feel that next time (if we are so lucky) I will just get an independent midwife and avoid as much of the hospital help as possible. I really resent the arbitrary, arrogant sugar-level fascism ... I know I decided to use their help in the way I am using it ... and the drama factor is from their side, and I am just living with it .... I suppose I feel I have other things to do rather than fight them ... But really, I know what to do now, for next time. Am collecting data now and I am happy with what I have learned, and don't think I can change their flawed system ... not now, and not by myself. Will leave that battle for now .... All I really care about is the baby. 

33 Weeks Pregnant

Well, we've made it this far, all 3 of us! 

7 weeks (more or less) to go. 

Here's what it's like -

I get really tired very easily now. It's surprising, and I suppose it is usual for it to be this way. Of course usual is not inevitable in my book. I don't feel the need to become a victim or 'suffer the most' in pregnancy - my baby needs a fit mother who can help him be born and feed him and care for him, being a drama queen can wait till he is bigger! These things ... and things like indigestion, constipation, nausea, swelling etc etc in pregnancy are only 'normal' in the sense that they are 'usual'. Of course, for some people it really is impossible to avoid some or all of these problems - there are reasons why they get these problems without respite. For most of us though, watching what happens and listening to what the body and the baby is letting us know is fare more helpful. It's better to try and see if the problem is going to shift or not. Wallowing in it is shooting ones self in the foot. 

As far as I can tell, the fatigue is not primarily due to his size and the weight on my front - it is due to the blood flow restrictions, and my energy levels. The blood flow issue - some of it is unavoidable - I do have more blood flowing and less room inside me. Keeping my circulation as good as possible is the only way here - keep taking my baby aspirin, keep doing the exercises, specially the inverted postures, the raised legs and the ankle turns and arm turns, drink plenty of clear fluids. I also have a slight iron problem and the iron tablets make me feel so ill I don't want to do anything ... maybe keep trying, maybe find a better solution. Might just be the NHS tablets that are problematic (some mums say they use alternatives). The final blood flow issue is that if I lie on my back I do get a bit sick and dizzy - the weight of the baby on the arteries and whatnot that people have been banging on about since day 1. I see what they mean, although the actual response my body makes to the pressure is not at all dramatic ... unlike the hysterical 'DON'T LIE ON YOUR BACK EVER EVER EVER' I've been hearing for so long. Chill. 

Staying off my back and staying on my side really helps - it's a HUGE drag, but it is also definitely the answer. 

My Energy levels are effected by the iron and blood problem, of course, but more by my sugar levels. I've managed stellar sugar levels since Tuesday and intend to keep it that way. I appear to have irritated my parents actually, as they wanted to come over today ad bring me lunch, and I had to say I won't eat anything I haven't cooked, but you can bring your lunch and I'll have my lunch and we'll eat together. They won't come - not worth it and they don't have time. That's kind of sad, I was happy that I would have visitors. I hope this does not mean they won't visit me if I won't eat their food ... I am not planning on eating 'outside' food till way after the baby comes .... that's a very long time to not hang out with my parents. They tend to be very busy, I don't see them all the time anyway. Mum's coming over on Monday to help me with the sewing and get my help setting up a website for her Lorretto school reunion next year. 

I am keeping my sugar levels as stable as possible, it's incredibly dull and time consuming, and I am very bored, but it's all I can do for the baby now. 

I think since it is working out simply with diet and Met right now, I don't see my with a bit of exercise too (work those leg muscles) I shouldn't be able to keep them low till he comes. I still have tools in my arsenal I am not even using. 

I've had to change my plan to eliminate all dairy - I am still having Lactofree milk and eating cheese. I can't stop these 2 items as Oat or Rice milks are too high in sugar - it messes up my sugar control right now when I have so much against me. It's sad, as it's a slight risk for the baby's potential milk protein issues ... but he has a far better chance if I keep my sugars down, so we'll stick with the risk of him having milk protein issues. At least my lactose intake is almost zero. 

Same with wheat - I can't leave it out 100% although I have very little wheat in my diet anyway. It's just too hard to keep my sugars down on a restricted diet if I leave wheat out too. I can feel how sluggish it makes me, but I have to make my decisions sensibly, based on all the factors. The high iron content of my high protein, high fibre homemade stoneground wholemeal bread is significant too. 

Treat your body with a little respect, and it tends to do what is right. 

That's my body update, how's life for us right now? - 

Well, Iain is busy working on the car this week - brakes and whatnot, all the things that need to be overhauled slightly before Baby gets here (no one is working on the car then!!). He's got doors and the Narnia Cupboard to sort out in the flat, we need to move the chemicals up to the new chemicals cupboard in the kitchen, and move the bulky inert stuff into the cupboard under the sink. I think the kitchen will be ready then. We need to make sure it is set up so Iain can use it easily - he'll be preparing a lot of my food soon. 

Iain is getting very excited, he has a few doubts, a few jangly nerves, but they are exciting rather than a problem for him. The unknown seems to be - will the baby love him, seeing as he won't be at home all day with the baby ... (of course the baby will! The baby already loves him! How can anyone not adore Iain anyway!!). 

Money and shopping and space in the flat etc ... yes we worry a bit, it's a lot to do, but to be honest, what's the point in stressing? Some things we are going to buy, we just have to buy them - (Mattress protector, shelves from Ikea, nappies and changing mats, carseat).  Some things we need to get from Redgrave, some things need to go to Redgrave - the tables need swapping and sideboard needs to come. It's a hassle, but it will happen. The sofa is here already and we love it. Baby's hammock will be here in a few weeks. I'm keeping our food costs waaaay down. That won't change. I've saved as much as I can (thanks Abba!!) so we should be able to buys all the baby's stuff no problem. The co-sleeping bolster has come, it's great! (the Tres Tria from Better for Babies). All I need to do now is buy a few more fitted sheets from Tescos.

My tasks are more formidable. The health stuff takes up all my time and energy, but that won't do - I need to make our leps - our thin bed coverings, made of layers of cloth sewn together. I also need to get a move on on his Muslins - I have been working on the first one for ages! 

I am perhaps not going to cook loads of food in advance as I really do prefer fresh food. Iain will just have to cook. I still have to construct a recipe selection for him that is quick easy and manageable (and cheap!) - I've been working on the recipes for a year now ... should be ok. 

I'll get all the shopping done by the end of August I think. We'll have done our antenatal classes by then too. The first was on Tuesday last. We have 3 more Tuesdays to go. It was actually a very good class, interesting, and it was reassuring to know that our midwife feels more or less the same way we do about birth and interventions. Repitition is one way of retaining all the info I suppose. 

We also went on Thursday to do a St John's Ambulance Child & Infant Emergency Care & Resuscitation course, which was also excellent, and we now know what to do! It's reassuring. We know in theory what to do now, what to do leading up to the birth, what to expect and how to interpret what happens during the lead up to birth and the actual birth, we know what we want and also what we should look out for after the birth, we've decided how we want things to be ideally if all goes to plan [we actually know quite a significant number of people who have found things DO go to plan ... which means we don't have to get stressed out by the multitude of others who say 'oh it never goes to plan' ...] and we know who to ask for help at every stage if things confuse us, or if we face hurdles. Now we know the basics on taking care of him and his pals when he is here ... and God forbid if we ever need to use our first aid skills, we know how to get help asap now. It's good news. 

We do need to get a lot more hypnobirthing practice in .. time is chugging on. 

Awake at 4 a.m!!

Well I fell asleep at 8 pm in the evening ... Iain had popped out to find our neighbour Chris, to talk about something to do with the flats I guess, when he returned he didn't think I needed waking ... so I missed the last meal today, missed my Met dose, missed rehydrating after a long day in Cambridge and oh my Goodness did I feel rough when I woke up at midnight! I also missed checking my dinner sugar levels. 

Iain was nicely coming to bed ... as if I can sleep through from 8 pm ... to the following day! 

OMG

Well it's not his fault, don't get me wrong - he's not my keeper, and I'm responsible for myself, but I was so tired .. SO, so tired, I fell asleep, and it does seem he has no idea, despite the last 7 months about how seriously I need to regulate my sugars and hydration. The baby exhausts me now. Not all the time, I think I manage very well. But sometimes it's too much. specially if I have spent the day out (all day) - my sugars and insulin tend to suffer. It was a hot day today too. 

So now I can't sleep. Bummer. 

Iain played relaxation stuff for me and did his Marvin voice for the birth affirmations! Made me laugh and helped me relax. I listened for ages even after he fell asleep, but I can't sleep now.

Actually the relaxation and hypnobirthing practice is going very well, and Iain is a big help in this.  

So let me tell you about what I did yesterday in Cambridge:

I was ready ahead of time to get my bus for a change LOL - and the bus took FOREVER to get to Cambridge. Mamma and Abba called in the morning wanting to meet up as they were out and about in Cambridge and wanted to see me before Yoga, in the end just saw them for a minute before going in. They planned to meet me in Nandos after yoga. 

Yoga itself was very good, relaxing, calming and I felt in balance again afterwards. It was a low intensity class really because of the heat, and that is what I needed anyway. Mamma was waiting outside, she met Shima and Emma, which was good. 

Emma has SPD now and I'm worried about her as she doesn't know a lot about it, and I think that is not so good, as I'd rather have help if I get SPD ... Anyway, will ask later. I told her what I knew and asked her to Google the pelvic floor stuff in case it helps. Of course, not having SPD myself, I don't really know. 

Anyway we retrieved Abba who was waiting at Nandos and went to EAT instead as Nandos really does make my gut hurt and it was feeling bad anyway. Actually I wanted to go to Organic 8 but Mamma said Abba doesn't like it (??? when did he eat there?) - what I really needed was a proper meal, but they weren't keen on the place and so I didn't push it. I had yummy Beef teriyaki soup, and a Diet Coke. I thought I'd pop over to Waterstones, look up Gowri Motha's Gentle First Year for advice on avoiding allergies and intolerances in babies (there wasn't much that was relevant - it's a good book though in many ways!) and then get the bus home - get home by 3:30, ish. You know. 

Well I read a LOT at Waterstones, had to miss the bus and then kill time (getting hungrier and hungrier) - went to Borders, got a great book for Iain to read to the baby - Daddy's Lullaby - it brought a tear to my eye its so sweet. Iain loves it, he read it to the bump and the baby moved about when Iain sang the lullaby bit. I wanted him to have a song for the baby too - I sing to the baby all the time, and am sure I will do when he's here. 

I got a few more books - a book on ice lollys, they look like fun! I can make stuff that is acceptable for me to eat, and can make pretty things too, should make up for a lot! I bought the baby This little Baby, and the Baby Signing book (first one) so that we can think about the signs ourselves and see if we can cope! Plus I got the last (or penultimate ... depending on his arrival) Junior Pregnancy and Birth magazine before the baby comes!!

I was looking up the food intolerance and allergy stuff and found out quite a lot. For me, and as far as I can tell to keep Baby safe and avoid what happened to Iain and Dougs ... or a similar reaction, I just need to do a few things, always tying in my own intolerances and nutritional needs, and keeping a balanced nutritious diet in place ... It's a LOT to take into account, and I need to give up dairy for myself (it's really making me ill - I was wrong, that baby did not take away my lactose issues). This has the added benefit of there being no cows milk sugars in my system when the baby gets here. I may continue with some cheese - as long as the baby stays off cows milk/milk not from me for a year or so, he should be able to avoid developing a milk protein allergy. It's unlikely the small amounts of milk protein travelling through my breast milk to him (via cheese) will cause an allergy to develop - if he gets sensitised from elsewhere then that tiny amount can effect him. Same with eggs, tomatoes, wheat - as long as he avoids exposure before he can tolerate the foods, he should be ok. So I just need to be vigilant and give him foods at the right times and watch him, and he should be able to eat everything, or if he can't, we should know. I am happy with that. 

My probiotic tablets and having the cheese I DO eat plus Miso soup should help boost my immunity and food tolerance as well as his. Seems this is far more effective than me cutting stuff out. 

I am planning on cutting out or at least really cutting back on wheat same time as the lactose. I have not noticed wheat helping me at all, and Louise as well as Anushe swear giving it up helped them. Wheat stuff makes my sugars too high for a small amount anyway. No good. 

Can't believe the changes!!

Hi All

Obviously I have been too busy to post much, well, I have been too tired too. It seems ridiculous - literally the MINUTE I hit 30 weeks enormous fatigue set in. Not all day, just often enough to mean I just about get back up before am down again. Last night, following on from yesterday being a slow, miserable, sad day for me (darned hormones, darned sugar levels the day before, darned consequences!!!) I was pretty miserable. Pretty sad. Talking to Iain helped, and realising I DID achieve a lot yesterday even though I didn't leave the house was a good thing. (I shopped, for Baby and Mummy essentials,  sorted out the birthing pool ... I've done my bit now, am hoping the pool will arrive - the stockist in Holland should send it to Tanyapa once she's paid for it, and it should arrive at their place in time for them to bring it over to me. I did the accounts for June/July, and made some rough calculations for the next 7 months - I think we might be ok in the end, I need to stay focused. Maybe if we keep the balance right we can let go of Green Meany [the car] when the baby is about 5-6 months old and move up to a Skyline as planned ... maybe we wont have to and can just do the LPG conversion on Greeny. I'm glad the Skyline will do ... we just need to find one in the right colour which is a good car. I also called the council waste disposal people and asked about the brown bins for food waste and they are sending us one they say. Good. I wonder what will go in our normal bin now if we can recycle everything .... just disposable nappies I guess. And non-recyclable stuff. Plus I did a whole lot of the baby's laundry and it all came out looking brilliant.)

Iain really helped. He gave me a really nice bedtime massage, we put the hypnobirthing music on and he made up stuff to say - hypnobirthey stuff! It was great, he is very good at it, and he did a special voice ... sounds like HAL ... lol!!! I slept well, which makes a change from the night before! 

So I guess my strategy has to be keep the sugar levels down. I got careless on Sunday and suffered for it. My gut is also less tolerant now of many things. the obvious problems are back - I was teetering on nausea, was a gas bucket, and had lactosey-pains over the last day or so. And indigestion is threatening! So being careful is my only option, huh? 

I didn't walk at all yesterday, but did a fair bit of laundry and housework, I was active - just in very small chunks. More activity!!! That's the way. 

There are big changes in the flat too. The bedroom is almost done I guess. The big changes - wardrobe and mirrored cabinet - are in place. Am waiting for the baby's changing table - Richard & Birgit have it (it was Katie's). A lot of things are looking more plausible - the shelves that we're getting for the bedroom walls, the pegs to hang things on - they are all selected, we just have to get the rest of the place ready before we can get the shelves/pegs and put them up.

Should be nice in the end. 

Iain is putting in a new door to the kitchen soon, with glass panels. The baby will be able to see us in the kitchen, and we can see him from the kitchen, if need be. Also more light will be able to be shared between the lounge and kitchen, which will be good. 

The kitchen itself will soon have another cabinet, above the fridge, and I'm going to keep the chemicals there, out of reach. Under the sink can have all the non-toxic but big stuff - supplies! Am glad. Maybe the nappy pail will go there too, am not sure. 

When Iain's Mum gets here in a few weeks, we'll send the table and chairs back to Redgrave and get the sideboard and Grandma Midgley's table. Am hoping Baby's cradle will also have arrived and we would therefore know what's what in our lounge! 

We're ready to get rid of the coffee tables with wheels ... the big old shelves are going to move next to the TV to serve as media/phone shelves + Virgin Media box shelf. There will be room for some books still, so it should be ok. The Ikea shelves will move to the wall that's on the kitchen side, and should take up very little room - leaving space for the baby's stuff. Maybe a toy chest or something. 

Our sofa should come soon too. Am hoping everything will look nice together, and that there will be a huge space in the middle of the room for the birthing pool! 

Iain will strip and varnish the two wooden chairs and probably the 'heirloom' 50p  b/f chair from Mamma & Abba's place [it's just a wooden chair my Grandmother picked up for 50p at a charit shop when my Mum was expecting - we've all been breastfed on it, even Brishti]. The three chairs should look nice in the end when they are done. They are all we'll have apart from the new sofa, possibly the futon, and the bean bag! 

Should be good though. Nice stuff, nice room, nice flat (inside!). 

Right now he is working on the doors in the flat, and once they are all done the place will look transformed, I am sure. The 'Narnia Cupboard' and hall carpeting is next on the list ... and what he has to do is petty simple, so I think we'll manage. Hmmm ... good thing we have very little on in August...  apart from my showers but Iain does not have to do anything in advance for them. He can do DIY stuff! 

The Isle of Wight trip ... or 'Don't Go to Ryde' lol

So Chris and I made our way to the Isle of Wight this Sunday (13th). We met at Kings Cross, went on to Victoria, found the coach bit we needed to get to, found a Starbucks, loaded up on Frappuccinos (mmmm Dark mocha light) and got our coach. Trip to Portsmouth was great. We had good chats on the coach and were very comfy. The train in Portsmouth which took us to the catamaran was good too. The Catamaran was a bit underwhelming but we got to Ryde, nice and excited. Ready to visit Quarr Abbey. Chris was hoping to go on a retreat there some day. 

Er... Ryde's kinda crappy ... it's kinda chock full of ugly buildings, and we couldn't really get to the sea or nature or anything, most bits we actually got near were cordoned off. The tranquility we found was within our selves ... and we did find it, so no loss really, but we had hoped for a real nature around us moment ... we knew we couldn't have that all day, but a little while maybe... 

There was a 'fete' at the Abbey - and not a monk in sight!

OK, there were loads of kids milling about ready to perform something and a few tables with  old people selling tatt ... er ... this was no fete! 

We walked to the 'ruins' - a nice walk, saw pigs and sheeps, all very nice. The ruins looked great too ... but were inaccessible - a big rusty chain and padlock on the gate! Barbed wire! Sheep on the inside!! OMG. 

So we walked the other way to get to the beach. No such luck. Eventually we reached a dead end, we could see the water, and some great boats, but couldn't reach any of it - cordoned off. We did sit on a bench and chat, was nice. Then had a nice lunch at the pub nearby. Then back we went to Ryde, and found a small patch of beach, for another chat. We had decided to get the Hovercraft back to Portsmouth. We did and it was the best thing we did! It was brilliant. 

I did have a moment when we got to Portsmouth .... I found some amazing ice cream and wanted some. A LOT. But I chose not to have it. If I still want it later, we can go back to Portsmouth and have it - LOL! 

We met up with Chris's sister Amanda and her partner Judith, they are lovely, we had a brilliant time with them. They were meeting a whole load of friends as it was someone's birthday, and we tagged along and it was all very pleasant. Chris' sister loves him and is very, very proud of him, and he is so sweet in how he wants to hang out with her! It was nice to see them connect, they clearly wanted to. Was nice to be there. 

We spent the night at their place - with their 3 cats!!! Chris got relegated to the tv room actually WITH the cats! I think he X-Box 360-d his way through the early hours in the end. I of course totally got the spare room with the huge comfy bed and slept like a log which contains a littler log! 

Amanda and Judith also have one of the loveliest bathrooms I have ever seen, and it was very nice having a shower there the next day. We made our way into Portsmouth again later that morning, to Guns Quays and spent the day walking about from eating place to eating place eating and drinking depending on the time (we stuck to my food schedule) and watched Kung Fu Panda which I found inspirational! (I'm a warrior too Po, and I'll never give up either.)

My sugars were kinda high after breakfast as I had forgotten the night dose of Metformin (DOH) the previous night, and had also forgotten the breakfast dose. AND I HAD PORRIDGE!!! WITH BANANA!!!!

Dear oh Dear. 

Spent the day bringing it all down again and it worked. No problems. 

There was another food incident - we bought Cheese Strings for me to eat in the cinema and also on the coach ... and euuurrgghhhh there was fungus inside!!! So we took it back, Chris dealt with it for me. Bleaghhh. 

We went to the C0-Op before getting on the coach, and got low carb cheesy twisty things, houmous, and water, AND CHEESE STRINGS! I was determined to not let my demons get the better of me - I don't want to be scared of Cheese String. Haunted by the fungus boogey-man. 

It was fine! Ate fine, travelled fine, felt fine - managed to keep my sugars ok. 

Best thing was, Chris and I both got a lot out of the time together, away from life and everything in it, and we both came away I think stronger in ourselves, a bit re-charged, which is good as we each have so much to do. So much ahead. 

Am very glad I had that time away. 

27 Weeks and 3 Days!

Here's my big 'ol belly now, almost at the 3rd trimester ... or has it already begun???? 

I'm definitely more tired, my back is easily achey ... baby has started moving more, I can feel him in more parts of my tummy. things are moving along. 

Means more work! I have to keep up, for his sake as well as mine and Iain's. Am tired of working so hard, but that's not really very helpful. No point feeling that way and there will not be LESS work and less effort involved in the years to come!!! Pregnancy, I am sure, is a piece of cake compared to parenting. 

Lets see, the joys of 27 weeks - my son is alive and well and making his presence known to everyone else. People notice my bump. Some people have even felt him move, or even seen him move. People say I look well and fit, even Abba has noticed and he's hardly perceptive! That is great motivation. 

Oatcakes taste great, that's a really good UP!! 

On the downside - am exhausted. A lot of the 'plans' on the to-do list have to take a back seat now because a) I don't care about shopping much at the best of times, I only care about taking care of myself and little one right now, and feel I should just do that. If the chores, housework and simple things like reorganising furniture can fit in with exercise ... then well and good. But really, everything else can wait. b) I realise the baby doesn't care at all about the flat, and the best thing I can do for him is work as hard as I can for his birth. If that is all I can train for, and focus on, then so be it. He WILL care if he has a bad one!!

I don't think I have been able to do as much as I wanted to ... but I do think I have done a load more than anyone else expected. And I am doing very well in this pregnancy, even by my own standards. I'd like to step it up though. 

Question is, do I have enough energy and drive to eat right, exercise and practice the hypnobirthing for 13 more weeks????? 

Cord Blood and such things

hmm ... this stuff is quite confusing, and am not sure what we'd choose if we had the money/choice ...

Here's my initial web trawl: The Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists have a thing or two to say.

Here's something from the BBC website saying we shouldn't bother.

These people came up on google - New England Cord Blood Bank

These guys, Cells4life seem quite paranoid ... and don't do public banking ... The NHS are happy to have the blood ...

Gestational Diabetes is here to stay

Well, I've had a few days to try and get used to the idea, and It has been hard. I have the odd less-than-ideal reading but largely the Metformin is keeping my sugar levels at least at the limit of where I should be, or better. 

Psychologically it is another story. It's not that I know 'too much' or have ridiculous unrealistic fears about diabetes. It's not that I am focusing on the bad things that might happen to my baby, or to me. I've been learning for ages, before the baby was conceived, since the baby started to be, and specially now that the doctors are talking to me about it all. I know my chances - better than many people because I know what I need to do, and I'm getting what help I can. I also understand my risks for this pregnancy, and the risks to our son, and it saddens me, makes me feel reckless and depressed and desperate. Knowing I have 3 months to make as big a difference as possible under the circumstances is a blessing. Knowing I found out as soon as it was possible to diagnose it is also a blessing. However the prospect of living with it and trying to manage it for 3 months is daunting, and depressing, and to be honest I don't WANT to deal with it. I don't want to be strong. I want to be weak, and cry all day, and eat eclairs and dissolve into a messy blob of a woman with sugar coming out of every pore, Seven Brides for Seven Brothers on the DVD player, ice cream by the bowlful, plenty of Frappuccinos (keep 'em coming) for the next 3 months and then somehow have the baby yanked out and presented to me with a 'there, there, see, it's all ok, you didn't have to do anything love'. 

Of course I'm not stupid enough to think that fantasy is anything other than a twisted nightmare. Being a blob now will only mean I will actually turn into a blob, and hang on to the diabetes post-baby. So can't do that ... Pointless. How am I going to raise the baby if I am sicker and sicker for sure? Eclairs aren't really what they used to be (except, perhaps at Betty's, and we don't live in Yorkshire), Tescos eclairs don't really do it for me, nor do M&S eclairs ... so no point trying to eat any. Will accelerate towards the time when I'll need insulin that much sooner if I eat pig out on eclairs, and to be honest, at that price, they really would need to be very good. Don't want to add insult to injury. No reason to wholly abandon self-respect and style just yet ... plenty of time to let all that go when I am covered in baby poo and sick in a few months.... Seven Brides for Seven Brothers has been a pregnancy-long 'craving' - a non-food craving, but a persistent one. Easily remedied. Have ordered it on Play.com. Will be Blessing everyone's Beautiful Hide, Wherever they may be in stereo in no time. If that doesn't cheer me up, really, what will???? Ice cream is trickier ... can't say it's a good idea, even if I do make some myself. Have to give that a miss, even though it is generally reliably yummy. (Unlike eclairs). New dietician's advice allows me plenty of fruit and cereal though - obviously not Sugar Puffs, or Coco Pops, or even my new faves - Dove's Farm's Chocolate Stars ... what I am now allowed is more the Bran Flakes, Shreddies, Weetabix and of course the always-sanctioned Porridge .... HOWEVER that is still a far more extensive range of cereals than I have had access to in the past year, easy and yummy and most desert-like out of all my allowed foods. Can't complain if I can have fruit too. Of course I won't have just cereal in the morning ... will continue to base the meal on protein ... but since smaller means are now what I need to try, and because I need to cut back on the protein and increase the carbohydrate carefully, and spread it out (so I keep producing some insulin if I can, and only eat as much as my insulin levels can accomodate) ... a slice of bread or one Weetabix (no sugar) here and there seems a cheap, easy, stress free, and crucially MEASURABLE way to find out what I can do.

Of course I am sad, wouldn't you be? Of course I am desperately lonely in all this ... no one else is going through this, and everytime someone says 'it will be alright don't worry about it' I just shut down inside - what does that mean anyway? Go eat cake, you can't hurt your baby? Give up now, you've lost already? Bury your head in the sand and it won't happen? Well, obviously cake can hurt MY baby - he'll have to make loads of insulin to process it for me, bless his tiny heart. I can't give up, and ignoring it amounts to giving up. Burying my head in the sand is the worst thing I can do, and it's generations of people who just let it happen that has made it impossible to avoid getting GD ... despite all my hard work. I worked so hard on myself, on my food, my fitness. All for nothing. I couldn't outrun it, what I did was not enough and I couldn't do more. Maybe some mothers could. All I know is I tried, every single day, and I have failed so miserably, so completely. How can I be LESS vigilant now, having already failed? It's no longer a battle to avoid diabetes, I've lost. Now it's a battle to stay of insulin, and it doesn't look like I will win that battle either, so when/if I fail there, I will have to fight the next battle, and the next. I hate it I hate it I hate it, and I hate doing it on my own. Oh I know Iain is here, and I could not do what I have to do without him, but he is alone in his battle to help me. The mundane, desperately boring everyday drudgery of meal after meal, exercise session after exercise session, test after test, appointment after appointment miserable experience of trying to beat something more powerful and more devastating than anything we can do. It's a boring, boring process. The sheer drudgery of preparing yet another cheap, nutritious, perfectly balanced meal out of a short list of foods I can eat as well as afford .... oh my God. It was bad before, now its so much worse - more meals. Ever tried sustaining a food plan like mine ... keeping it palatable, bearable, interesting if possible? I couldn't say it is character building ... I'd say it is soul destroying, in a special way. Of course I am happy that I feel better when i am eating right for my illnesses ... of course I would rather be approximately 'well' on my diet rather than ill with a half-eaten plate of chocolate cake in my paws, washed down with pineapple juice..... But it's a sad, lonely way to live, and incredibly dull to eat ones own cooking so much, even if it IS my cooking, which I dare say could be so much worse. 

Iain is confident we will be successful on some level. I don't really have any reason to believe we will win many of our GD battles, all I believe is that I have to try. 

Abba's here!! Plus - Dealing with aches, pains, and the misery of gestational diabetes

My Yoga class was today, and I made an extra effort to eat carefully so I would not be as faint as last week. It worked. I managed to keep up quite well in class, although my mind was racing a bit. Am struggling to avoid getting very depressed about the GTT results. There is no point getting depressed now ... there are still almost 4 months to go and this could all get a lot more hopeless later on ... it's all pretty ok and manageable now. 

I told Louise the yoga teacher, and she reassured me - a few of her students have had it, and if I make an effort with the food things could work out just as I have hoped from the start. She's right, and I am sure my hard work will pay off. Her class really motivates and balances me. 

I'm getting a few more aches and pains - not SPD but in that general area. More work needed I think ... am not that regular with my yoga. Most of it is on about 3 or 4 days of the week, and 2 of those are in a class ... I should do a lot more and stay on top of it. The misery of dealing with the GD (am craving sugar ... and I know I have had sugar recently, a number of times, so I'm not surprised .... I have to abstain for a while and see if I really am worse, or if I am just paying the price right now ...).

Tiffany arrived yesterday afternoon, we have been chilling out, lazing about, and chatting mainly since last night! Today she came in to Cambridge with me, she shopped while I did Yoga (we just made it to get the bus in the morning!!!). Then we met Mum and went to Nandos for lunch. We had such a nice time, the 3 of us. Tiffany got me a present from Lush (yaay!!! - bath stuff for foamy gorgeous baths and a mama tee shirt with butterflies on it). Mum and Tiffany got on like a house on fire, it was great. We went shopping later (I needed a set of long knitting needles, 5 mm), and had Tiffany's nose pierced - so Mum was in a Tattoo parlour!!!!! 

Tiffany's nose looks great with the jewel in it. 

Then we went to Mamma & Abba's house and hung out with Abba, who looked so dashing with his nicely coiffured hair (Bangladeshi barbers ... wish Abba saw a barber here too!!) He seemed a bit tired but well, and in good spirits. Tiffany interviewed them both for her thesis, and they seeemed to all have a good time. We had yummy dinner (made both me and Tiffany sick later ... but anyway ... ). Tiffany is kinda where I was a year ago with my gut and assorted problems. I think almost all of them are IR-related .... she needs her own Endocrinologist working it out ... 

23 Weeks!

Times really flying by now, isn't it? 

23 weeks all gone, and just 17 to go (in theory). 

I feel well. Sugars feel a bit up and down, largely I suppose because my hormones are a bit OTT at the moment. Baby will probably grow a fair bit soon, according to everything I have read. Good. A few weeks of more-or-less normal, followed by a crazy-time like now is a good thing. Baby needs all the hormones to churn out so he has the support he needs from my body, right? 

Can't say it's pleasant - I am more tired, a bit listless when it comes to anything other than massage, chilling, and yoga!!! Even TV has lost a lot of its charm. 

Right now I love a little bit of chocolate, my greens, risotto made at home, oily massage stuff rubbed all over my bump and limbs, improving my self-hypnosis skills using the Rainbow Relaxation cd and Iain as a prop. I'm exploring ways of using the birthing ball and bean bag to sit comfortably as lying down is getting less and less appealing. In any case, I'll hardly be lying down on my back on the baby's birthing day, will I? Sitting has the added benefit of allowing Iain to do the light touch massage on my back or neck, which I really found comforting and helpful when we practiced the Rainbow together last night.

Aqua Yoga Class and chilling out to music - Move over Kylie.

So today I finally made my way to the antenatal AquaYoga class at the Parkside Pool in Cambridge - really easy to get to actually, and a really nice pool. It's amazing what I'll do for this baby&me situation .... I even walked on the slimy floor!!!! Normally I am so grossed out by pools and changing rooms. I have been working on it you see .... Am proud of my achievement.

The class was great. It's a Birthlight class and it was brilliant, I loved it. The teacher is Amanda, and there were about 10 of us I guess, two of us were just about to have their babies any day now! We did quite a lot - plenty of moving, stretching, some swimming with most of the emphasis on our legs and woggles under various limbs. It was fun. I like twisting about and moving in the water. Nice bunch of ladies too. 

At the end we did a circle thing, a relaxation session - we have our eyes closed and were floating, holding hands so we were in a circle and Amanda moved us about and when we finished and came back we were feet-inside, not heads-inside!! (We started out heads-inside).

It was great, specially when the circle went round, it was like flying, me and the baby, with lots of other babies not too far away. 

Definitely worth going there!! 

I've been stepping up my relaxation and yoga in general, trying to stay ahead of the baby's growth spurts. Podcasts tell me I'll really get big in the next 10 weeks or so, and I know the antenatal doctors are also starting to get more interested in me ... plenty to do in this second half of the pregnancy. Am feeling very close to the baby, very in tune with what I need to eat, do, and deal with in my mind. None of it is exactly easy, but it is all rewarding, and I enjoy having the baby nearby all the time.  I have followed up the Indian classical music suggestions Nargisapa sent me, and I really like her suggestions (so thank you! Good choices...). As I searched I came across a lot more besides, so have a small collection, and some of it is just right, and I really can chill out or do my yoga to this stuff. 

I started off a couple of weeks ago with European classical stuff - listened on the radio a bit, wheeled out the bits of Gershwin I normally skip 'cos I can't sing along, downloaded Myleene's Music for Mothers which is just perfect - bite size music just for me! - and I even found a freebie Mozart cd that came in the post years ago!! All of its not quite what I want, but, again, some of it is. 

It's not so much about the baby directly, as actually, the baby appears completely unmoved by most of the music. I get to chill out or practice my breathing, or sleep easily, and that is good for both of us. 

I did go to the Yoga class in Royston last night, but I think I'm going to give that one a miss for a while at least .... the teacher kept banging on about less-than-positive issues ... or just plain going on and on and I know she means well and sees herself as some sort of keeper of our sanity and welbeing, but actually, I just wanted to do some yoga and need more out of it. 

So looks like the two classes in Cambridge (Wed & Thu) suit me best. Hope I can keep making my way there! 

Iain felt the Baby Kick!

Last night, Iain felt the baby kick for the first time, twice, which was quite a thrill for all 3 of us I'm sure! 

The kicks are all day, every day, but not very frequent, nor are they strong enough to be uncomfortable. Mostly they are tickly feelings towards the top of the bump, like a feather, or a more deliberate poke, lower down. 

The baby actually started punching a bit harder from yesterday afternoon, after Hypnobirthing class. (Which went great by the way). 

We learned that when I relax and chill out, the baby will move about more ... so that's what I thought I needed to do at the scan, and the midwife wanted me to move about and all ... and actually, I'd have been better off trying it my way. Not that I can relax instantly! 

We learned more about the birthing environment and techniques for relaxation, we have a lot of practicing to do! I totally agree with the things Sarah explains to us, most of it I have believed for a very long time, like the birth is not just for me or something I have to do, it's the baby's birth and it'll be a big day for me, and for Iain, and all 3 of us have a lot going on that day, a lot we need for it to be a really nice outcome. We're pretty happy with what we're doing right now. 

The first parenting workshop - Babycalming & Attachment parenting

We went to our first workshop by Sarah, and it was all about Babycalming and Attachment Parenting. Leslie, who I had met before in Yoga was there with her new baby James and her husband (Mike?), and there was another lady, Helen, who is due in 8 weeks (!)

It was really good actually! Learnt a lot, had reassurance about a lot, watched Iain take it all in and get involved, which was lovely, he was trying slings on, comforting, swaddling and patting the pretend baby (doll), it was great. I have a lot of respect for Tanyapa's research and parenting tactics from back when Brishti was a little 'un. I had come across a lot of stuff through her. Pretty cool. 

So we get to swaddle and Shhhhh!!!! Lambykins too!! Hurrah. 

Was nice to hear more about the logistics of babywearing on a day to day basis. And co-sleeping, plenty of options and solutions out there. I am back to leaning towards buying the Oberon Cradle ... for the daytime mainly ... am not sure. 

The Hypnobirthing Coffee Morning, and Yoga in Royston

Iain and I shared a new experience today. We went to Saffron Walden to Sarah's house - she's the lady who is to be our Doula when the baby comes, she's also the lady running our Hypnobirthing course in April/May. It was great. 

I was really impressed. There were half a dozen other mums who showed up, with lovely babies and toddlers. They were all well, no one had a cold, everyone was well behaved, even the troublesome one - he was pretty good too! He wanted to get into everything and be the dominant kid, but really, he listened to his mum, and he was put in his place by the two little girls so all was well with no hassle. Everyone there had had a home birth with a birthing pool for at least the second child, and they had all found the hypnobirthing tools very useful. Most of them laboured for 2 hours, the babies came out fast - 5-15 minutes. Nobody had any problems and everyone was in bed, tucked in with husband & new baby a few hours after the birth, ready to sleep! 

Iain was quite impressed and is thinking of ways to accomodate a birthing pool in the flat. It's not impossible by any means. I am not sure what the costs are yet. We have planned now to check out the midwife unit at Addenbrookes asap and see their consultant led unit too, see what we have ahead if things get too complicated for a home birth. I'd rather know. We can get my midwife to give us the lowdown on home birth at my next appointment in another month. Or perhaps I'll ask her sooner on the phone. It all depends on how things go by 20 weeks I think. I have 2 months to see how well I cope with the baby's placenta messing with my insulin levels. 

I went to the antenatal yoga class this evening at the Royston Complimentary Health Centre (same place as we'll go for hypnobirthing classes), and though there was only me, the instructor and one other lady (38 weeks pregnant) there, it was a good class. They need to publicise more .... The other lady was doing all the poses, even the downward dog with her huge belly, and she looked great in general. I want to be that agile at 38 weeks! 

I found my postures easier than usual to do. It was good to have the instructor Lynn there watching me, and I guess my muscles are relaxing now. Next class is in 2 weeks, after Easter you see, and that is perfect. I can really get into the yoga and swimming around then - from April onwards. I'll be as safe then as anyone can be in a pregnancy. Till about week 30 Lynn said, although we'll see. If all goes well, the yoga and swimming could help me be fit enough and balanced enough to carry on for the last 10 weeks too. 

Whatever I do now will help me and Lambykins, and the midwife and hospital will have plenty of opportunity to spot any problems that might come up - where the placenta is, how big the baby is getting, whether my GD has developed etc etc. 

At Sarah's, at some point, she brought out the baby carriers and slings, and was showing a few ladies a few slings they were planning on buying. I had a good look. It was interesting. I have been researching these slings for a long time and talking to mums who have been using them for a long time was great. Iain was interested too and we think we'll be getting the Close one. We both liked it and it appeared to be the favourite there. Easy on the back and we both thought we'd wear it. I'd like a pouch too .... and when the baby becomes a toddler, a carrier that goes on the back somehow. I am not keen on carrying the bigger Lambykins on my hip for extended periods. Nor do I want to HAVE to stop carrying him/her. Well, I'll have a good year and more with the Close and the pouch before I have to change to one for a bigger baby. We'll see. We'll know more in a coup,e of weeks, on the 5th we are attending a workshop of Sarah's about baby calming and attachment parenting and there'll be loads of hands on stuff with the baby slings.