Adjusting from infertility, to medication that works, to an early pregnancy to an almost full-term baby inside me, a baby who has been very much alive, noticably so for months - since I was about 12 weeks pregnant I think .... it has all been a very long journey, one I am very grateful for. My baby has been excellent company, and I fully intend to return the favour when he is out. He will be so small, and the transition for him, I expect will be far more challenging for him than for me - I have a 31 year head start, I can speak, read, and am free to make my own choices - and I am physically far stronger than he is.
As far as I can gather, no amount of reading will actually prepare me, as in let me know what to do step by step - the huge unknown factor is the baby. But keeping my wits about me, paying attention to the baby himself rather than simply playing out any instructions I have received, and working with Iain and anyone else who is there to help us seems like a sound plan. I don't expect to know what to do immediately, but I do expect to be able to work it out fairly soon, bit by bit - he will not need all things all at once, he will have one specific need at a time, sometimes in isolation, sometimes in combination - none of them incredibly complicated in themselves. Each thing - food, shelter, clothing, comfort, soothing, rest, illness, pain, growth spurts, doctors appointments, long days, discomfort, travelling, being too tired, bored or restless, needing stimulation or having had too much, confusion or distress brought on by the unexpected/break from what he expects, sunlight in his eyes .... etc etc ... all these things, the solutions I am sure will be of varying difficulty - moving him out of sunlight is easy, soothing him if he is bawling less so. Feeding him may well be easy - or may be a right pain, even fruitless. Who knows? All I know is he is going to be here soon, and once he is here, I have time to work it out.
The three books I started with, to get some practical tips and try and imagine how to tackle the early months have been Tracy Hogg's Baby Whisperer book, Gina Ford's Contented Little Baby book, and Dr Harvey Karp's Happiest Baby on the Block book and DVD.
Now I have to say, Gina Ford's book largely makes me feel a bit ill. I do always say her methods clearly work - look at Safeera, Dhameer, Brishti and Zain, and young Ethan too - comparing these kids to other kids we know (and please remember ... we only see these kids once in a while, of course we don't know what they are like all the time ... but in terms of how they cope with going out and socialising, living day to day within and outside their routine ...) these kids are extremely well adjusted and well behaved - a joy to be around. They listen to their parents and are clearly secure in themselves and in their families, they don't do dangerous things, cry and make a fuss all the time, they are happy to wave their parents goodbye for quite a range of lengths of time - these are all things I believe a parent should be able to help their children learn by the time they are running about.
I can't imagine I can do the blackout blinds, the controlled crying, the placing the baby in his own room, and the drain-each-breast feeds though. First of all, the fore-milk followed by hind-milk theory that dictates these long feeds is an outdated theory now - it has been disproved, so that is a pressure I can ignore, thank goodness. It will be hard enough feeding I am sure. So much of her system is dictated by this theory, that it becomes very difficult to evaluate her system once the necessity for the long feeds is removed.
What I found useful about her routines is the knowledge that he will need food, little at a time, and that often - he needs to eat often like me, we shall chug along well together, Baby and me, now that I understand. I also found it useful to learn he has to sleep that often. A combination of that knowledge is very, very useful as a rough guide. I will re-read her routines, and watch the baby, and see if he seems to be quite happy eating and sleeping at roughly her guideline intervals. Anushe told me should found them to be a great guide too, helped her decipher some of Milen's fusses. I am impressed by Ford's research and data - her babies do thrive, and she has a good point with the routines - for parents who really expect life to go on as before, a system like this would help organise the transition to reality, and help manage the sense of loss, I am sure.
I am also impressed with her observation that feeding on demand is an idea that is taken too literally, and that is why mothers end up feeding all night and everyone has a rubbish time of it. Good point, and actually I never thought feeding on demand actually LITERALLY meant the newborn choosing his feed times, as if he knows anything about organising the family's day!!!
At Antenatal class I realised Iain does actually anticipate being tired and grumpy after sleepless nights when the baby wakes us and wakes us to cry, fuss and feed ... I guess he was a bit scared of how mean he will get, how tired he will be, and honestly, I think all that is a load of drama that we should try and avoid or minimise. Of course, our baby could easily be the kind that cries all night no matter what we do, or he could just as easily be the sort who sleeps easily and wakes every 3 or 4 hours and feeds and that is all. Iain can sleep in those blocks and function just fine, so if that's the case, no worries. If the crying a lot part lasts a month or two, that too is fine, he will, I am sure be ok enough to salvage enough of his day to get by. The problems would start if it goes on indefinitely.
I'm taking it seriously, of course - he didn't make it a big deal, and he did also say he thought it would bring us closer together, caring for the baby at night, in the long run, but still, sleep time is pretty important. SO, taking Gina Ford's plan into consideration, helping the baby need sleep at night, and offering him food at regular intervals so he is fed, as he needs/'demands' it ... with me keeping track for us, as the baby will not be able to ... sounds like a good plan. Am not hoping for the moon ....
I am sure it is tiring, and I am considering having Mamma over to stay some nights to keep me company, feed me while I feed the baby, care for him so I can sleep if he is fussing. Perhaps Paula will do it on occasion, maybe Jules will sometimes. Iain will help some nights too, and with plenty of help, I don't see why I can't do it myself the remaining nights. It's tiring, by all accounts - so getting help to share the tiring parts seems the obvious solution. From what I read in Ford's book, and by talking to Cathy who is doing very well breastfeeding Arti, but facing challenges all the way too - Ford is right, it is hard to remember and put into practice all the tips on latch etc when we are very, very tired - Mummy AND Baby.
So help, help and more help.
I actually read the Baby Whisperer book before reading Gina Ford - I like Tracey Hogg's attitude towards the baby - treating him with respect and as a person, protecting his own space etc. I like her corny EASY and SLOW ideas - feeding him, changing him/playing with him/cleaning him and then putting him down for a sleep, then eating or taking care of myself before he is up and ready to eat again (the EASY part) seems very sensible. And taking the time to Stop, watch and observe him, take a fresh breath and think before I sort him out seems a far quicker way of understanding him too (the SLOW part). It's a good approach and Hogg was convinced she could read the baby's body language - I believe her and am looking forward to using her charts to decipher my baby's actions. I do believe he will start of communicating with me, and if I listen and respond then his skills will develop further, and if I ignore the cues he will stop using them. Baby's are small but it is idiotic to underestimate them.
It occurred to me ages ago that the way I treat Iain is a good indication of how I will treat the baby - the body language, the cues - ok, not exactly the same as we can take care of ourselves, but so many of the cues I read about echo what we seem to do. For example, at sleepy time, if we haven't really hung out much and are too sleepy to talk but want some comfort, we seem to move our cheeks near each other - neither of us make any effort to make eye contact, even holding hands is optional, perhaps touch feet for a few seconds. My understanding is a tired baby will not be making eye contact either, but will similarly do other, easier, less awakening things to get some TLC.
I don't feel I can put the baby in his own cot as a default choice as Hogg suggests .... it all depends on the baby and how we feel once he is here. I am reserving judgement on that one.
Other than that, I suspect I will use her book a fair bit.
Harvey Karp's book - Baby Bliss - which was formerly the Happiest Baby on the Block I am very, very pleased with. It is refreshing to read such a positive book. His way of saying things is full of the excitement and joy I feel when I think of the baby coming. I am looking forward to learning how to care for him, I am not sad about how much I will have to give up. Being tired all the time is not new to me, being tired for a wonderful reason WILL BE NEW! LOL - I have nothing to lose if I have the baby. His 'secrets' - oh the drama! - the 5 tricks - swaddling, putting him on his side, shushing (playing white noise to him), swinging, and using his ability to suck are all simple enough to do, intuitive enough, and sensible enough for me to buy in to - they will all take a lot of practice to get just right. That is fine. His Fourth Trimester concept is also fine by me - there IS something different about a newborn, I can accept that, and even if the baby were good to go when he is born, I certainly need at least a couple of months to adjust, perhaps 4 at a minimum - like anything else I do. I know myself, my body's abilities. I will need a couple of months to recover my body to even a base-level of okay-ness in terms of internal healing and my gut. I will need time to readjust my food to my new needs. There will be hospital and other medical appointments, disruptions in my food plans caused by all the time spent outside, and all the food disruptions caused by having the new baby around. In all this time the baby still needs caring for and both lines of work need to progress in tandem - I cannot keep helping him if I ruin my own body in the first 2 months. Adrenalin is not a long-term option for either of us, specially bearing in mind I will not have HRT again for some time.
So whether we look at it as HIS fourth trimester, when he is still foetus-like, or whether we just need to keep him small and safe and working with my limited capacity for 3 months while we both adjust to what lies ahead - that period is definitely sacred in this house, and I am not at all prepared to let anyone play fast and loose with what we need to do in that time.
Some people do seem fairly cavalier about this time ... I disapprove of that and feel it's a bit risky to start off on potentially shaky footing ... definitely for me, I need to be well, as well as can be.
Other reading - My food plan will be a modified, well monitored evolution from my pregnancy eating plan - I will use Patrick Holford & Susannah Lawson's Optimum Nutrition for before, during and after pregnancy, and their book on balanacing hormones too, along with what I know about my own eating needs.
I still believe in the sort of parenting Jean Leidloff describes, and that I have seen as a child myself in Bangladesh. I am still keen on what I have understood from the Sears' books. I am going to try the Elimination Control ideas/Diaper Free stuff, we'll carry the baby is a sling, we'll co-sleep using the Tres Tria, and we'll put him in his Miyo Hammock for naps. I have his little cups and larger doidy cups to try if we need to feed him expressed milk or formula, we also have some bottles on standby, to use for feeds or to store milk. We have his potties, and we have books and websites to go through to help us try these things out and learn.
Ultimately we learn from and with the baby, and books aside, we have me, Iain and little one - huge amounts of the best possible data in interactive form!!
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