37 Weeks Pregnant

So here we are, our baby is officially full-grown to the extent that if he were to come along, he would be a term baby. Well done young Midgley! 

Am so proud of Offspring. 

As for me, I seem to be happy enough in the daytime, every evening I am out of sorts and sad. Hormones? 

Eating is not that easy, am not as hungry as am sad so much. 

The flat looks worse to me than it really is ... so we are sorting it out today. We now have all the Aspvik shelves we want ... and so Iain is putting them up and we will stock them. The bad-karma side tables are now going to the tip - today or tomorrow probably. Aside from the hooks for coats, the Narnia Cupboard is done, ready for stocking. 

We are almost there in terms of tidying for the Baby's arrival. I think I will feel happy once it is all tidy as I will be able to sit and do my yoga or breathing or watch DS9 whatever I want to do ... and I should be able to sort out the kitchen, and that would be nice. 

I need space because I take up so much space right now .... the disharmony is upsetting. 

Physically people keep referring to how uncomfortable I must be, and how I want it to be over. Actually, not so. I feel depressed half the time, I believe partly the hormones, but mostly the pressure other people are putting on me regarding my plans and hopes for my family. The birthing, the attachment parenting, the diaper-free ideas, the baby-wearing .... .... the food. The breast-feeding. 

I had similar pressure about how I handled the pregnancy, only less so as people are less interested ... have less advice. 

It IS depressing. 

I'm looking forward to having the flat free to fill with positive thoughts and images. 

It can be my safe place. 

I am actually not very uncomfortable physically. Turning over in bed is not comfortable - there is one line of tummy under the bump which is achey then, because the muscles don't work. It is like when surgery messes us your muscles, except this hurts less and the pain goes away faster. I assume because the muscles are still there, and not damaged, so it hurts less. BUT still does not give me the support I need, so it hurts a bit. I turn on to all fours before getting up as much as possible, or have Iain's arm to take some of the weight, and it helps. It's not much pain, or much effort. 

I am peeing fine, and pooping a lot - who knew .... have been pooping loads, 2 or 3 times every day. I imagine it is my body practicing the birthing reflexes low down - the J breathing type actions that should happen when the baby is coming out ... - and I can't really feel contractions so much ... but the effect it is having on my bowels are evident! 

Better than the alternative. Constipation would suck right now. 

Am hungry sometimes, suddenly and irresistably. I want apple, chocolate or bread normally. I have been incorporating these foods into sensible meals mostly. Goes out the window if I am out. It is still best if I stay at home, just for the food. 

Most of the time I am just tired or bored or sad. I sleep a lot. Might as well. Everything can wait. 

I am not really waiting as in actively waiting for something to happen .... baby will be here soon, sooner than 37 weeks from now. Time passes no matter what. I know I will miss having the bump very much, and I love the bump, actively love it and appreciate having it. That I do every waking moment, and I believe, when I sleep too. We have to part soon, and I don't want to grieve when he leaves my body, I want to rejoice, and comfort him, and applaud his achievement, not be sad that he has done what he was always meant to do. He does not really know what is coming, I do, and I will be consciously happy about our time attached, for both of us. 

It's practice for after he is born too, as for the first few months he will be with me always, and then one day he will be so big he will crawl away, and again, then I must be happy he can, not sad that my attachment with him is severed further. It should happen ... his development, I want it to, and I see no benefit for either of us in treating my sadness and loss with anything more or less than the respectful acknowledgment it deserves. It is not the main focus, nor should it be, but managing the feeling well will take thought and practice. I'd rather be happy and proud and encouraging.