So NOW it is time!

So since I last wrote, have seen Annabel on Friday, and today seen Sally - the two community midwives. Have had a sweep each time, am still not really particularly effaced, and the baby oscillates between about 3 fifths and 2 fifths in and out! So no obvious signs .... not that there is any such thing as an obvious sign ... 

Baby can come any time, as before. Sally said sometimes there is no sign and those are the babies that just come. She also said tonight is not a good idea as no midwives are free - the on-call homebirth midwife is sick! Tomorrow would be good, or Tuesday! 

LOL. 

Well, we'll see. 

They do keep finding protein in my urine - could be nothing, could be bad news ..... oh wish I knew why there is protein in my wee. Sally is chasing my lab results from last week ... 

Not sure if inducing Tuesday or after Tuesday would be best ... I guess will find out on Tuesday. 

On a more personal note, we have been having a great time, Iain and myself - nesting a little, wandering about Royston enjoying the Arts Festival (very good!), watching Paula & Stu's play (very good!! They really are very talented), receiving calls and messages from friends and family, watching movies and TV, hanging out, sleeping and stuff. It's nice. It's everything we could want .... the baby moves about just as before, all day - I do get a bit paranoid at times, but he seems fine. Waiting is not a problem ... except for his risk as my baby, the baby of someone with impaired glucose tolerance .... that is the only problem, I can't know how safe he is or for how long ... 

39 Weeks and then some ..... Meditating and whirling chakras like a good 'un!

So here's what I'm up to at this late stage of pregnancy:

We do the Rainbow Relaxation we've been practicing for so long (it's a Hypnobirthing thing) and use the other visualisations Sarah has taught us. Mostly I'm just trying to chill out, get in there and spend time with the baby inside, and have been spending time with Iain - watching TV, chatting, cooking, eating at home or out, going to appointments together, lazing about, reading to the baby, or Iain helps me with managing the pain etc - massages, hot wheaty-bags, food, water as in the pool or a bath.

So I focus on the colours, the mantras, the Rainbow, and hope I can stay in the good place I've been retreating to for so long. Made myself the happy diagram above! Am quite pleased with it! That's me today, 39 weeks and 4 days pregnant! 

The pain is rather special to say the least!! I sympathise with women who have suffered for months and months of pregnancy - I have had severe pelvic pain since Sunday last, and while I appreciate it is good that it is happening gradually and manageably leading up to the birth ... Oh My Word does it hurt!! Not always - but if I have lain down, and then eventually of course need to turn or get up - OMG the pain. It's oww oww oww Howl Howl Howl, and then once I am up it is fine again. But very intense when the pain is happening. 

I also need shoves and heaves from Iain to actually get up sometimes now - it's like being crippled or paralysed. I feel like Uma Thurman in Kill Bill ... not nice. It's ludicrous that it fells me so. Am glad I have Iain's help as he helps me avoid some of the pain, and has been diligently massaging away at my legs and hips and feet. 

I have had acupuncture yesterday and today - pretty hardcore therapy, it hurt a fair bit, which is unusual for acupuncture - but expected for the kind of treatment we needed to try to help this baby come ... my Chi has well and truly been prodded and I have a needle in a plaster (special thing) still in my leg for the next few days, and an extra in my bag in case I go in to labour, for the other leg! Vivien is great, and if Baby is not here by the weekend will come along on Monday to the flat to try some more! 

Tomorrow Annabel my midwife will come along in the morning to check me out and to do a stretch & sweep for me ... eww urrghh the excitement! Then I can chill out and wait for Baby. We will see Paula & Stu's play, enjoy the Royston Arts Festival, and see if baby turns up ... no need to make any Induction related decisions till Tuesday anyway .... 

Apart from the pelvic pain, I have no complaints. Am hungry for more food at mealtimes, but not hungry as frequently as a few days ago ... am unsure what is going on ... am watching myself for better data! 

8 Days to go ... OH REALLY???

Woke up early this morning, wondering whether to have a soak in the bath ... I knew my in-laws would be stopping by on the way to the airport - to drop off my Mother's birthday pressie and to pick up their post. They would not be staying as Iain's Mum has a cold ... and I must not get infected right now. But still, I wanted to at least look at them and have them see my bumpiness! They have missed so much of the pregnancy .... 

I never made it up and out of bed with enough time to have to decide on a bath, but I was feeling good - happy and mobile. 

A few hours went by, I sorted the CDs and DVDs with Iain - FINALLY so the boxes can go down to the garage, and I have been putting music in the Mac's iTunes, deleted pregnacy podcasts etc. Am all set for Motherhood LOL! By the time the morning was well underway I realised I am VERY uncomfortable - the baby appears to be way low down now or something - I actually can't face walking too far on my own. Iain went and got the car's mapping done - car still needs bigger injectors and then the LPG conversion SHOULD work well ... finally, right now it's jerky and unreliable and we are still using petrol a lot. Anyway, he came back and said we need the injectors doing, it's provisionally set for Thursday ... LOL I laughed a lot, it was so funny to hear him say that - I had to tell him, if the baby is here by then, we'll probably need the car around, and if the baby is not here by then he will probably come then, and the car cannot go to have the injectors done!! LOL. 

Anyway, we walked down to get fruit together as it is market day, and that was a journey and a half! It took ages for me to walk, but it was also good to walk, I need to keep walking. It helps. 

So we are gonna go to KFC later! 

Maybe the baby will come soon. 

The signs or lack or signs are boring really, as they are largely unreliable and unreadable data - no direct correlation with any actual time for the birth or indication of progress. All I have to go on is a general feeling -- and my general feeling is the baby is on his way, maybe not this weekend, but soon. I feel uninterested in actual contractions and pains and timing and stuff because of the unreliability and ubtrackability .... no way of actually interpreting any of it. Shame that, I enjoyed tracking my sugars, checking my temps when TTC etc - it was great looking for patterns. No suck luck now. 

Am not anxious, am fine with the wait, am enjoying my day - it is sunny outside, Iain is home, he is putting boxes in the garage for me, our flat is pretty much baby-ready. 

Under 10 days to go!!

So we had our appointment we dreaded so much yesterday at the Rosie, where the big bad OB was gonna tell us when Baby has to come ...

What a nice surprise - we saw a Dr Hackett, and he was extremely civil and respectful and reassuring. He reassured us again about the baby's kidneys, and we assured him right back that we were not worried either. Will wait to know more after the baby is born, and wait till we actually have something to worry about ... as far as we know, all will be well anyway and we'll never have to worry about his kidneys, which would suit me just fine because I am sure I will find many other things to worry about!!

After that, Hackett talked about my GD - how was I doing etc, and as it is still freakishly well controlled and even getting EASIER to control, he turned to the baby's scans and his size and amniotic fluid levels, blood flow to him from me etc - and all of it is very good, has been all through. So the Dr said we don't need to worry about him yet, you both look very healthy, no need to talk about induction yet, lets see if he can come by 40 weeks. Maybe induce him just before he is due if he has not come yet. We can decide next week after the 39 week scan. 

Rah!!!! 

I am happy enough with that. I have a weeks peace, and I feel so at peace now! The acupuncture and reflexology I had definitely has got things started, as I have contractions now, on and off, and the period-pain kinda pain is still going on in the background. Hackett felt my tummy and said the baby's head was 2 fifths in my pelvis and 3 fifths was still out for him to feel - pretty good as he was not anywhere there before - I thought he had moved down a bit and he has. Of course it means nothing in terms of when will he come out ... ditto the contractions, I can have them on and off for weeks ... but to me, they are all signs that things are happening, and I trust my body and my baby to do all that needs to be done in good time. 

I have acupuncture and reflexology booked for the second half of next week, and Sarah gave me some homoeopathic stuff last night to start taking. Will see how it all goes. I want to enjoy this week, as of course next week I may well be under pressure to induce. 

Am interested to see how the baby is doing by Tuesday. I do want to see him soon ... and he will be here soon, one way or the other. 

We also went to Sarah's last night for our Doula session, saw a video with some positive births (Russian ones!) which was lovely, we had a good talk with Sarah, and made plans, clarified things I need to ask the midwife, and we did some hypnotherapy - a fear release that was pretty powerful, and it is one I feel comfortable with now. The fear was about the horror-induction-hospital scenario - much of which I have learned to deal with, with the hospital's help and Sarah's help, Iain's support and my own hard work. It really helps to have my friends' encouragement too ... I did want a tribe for myself and the baby and I appear to have a tribe of sorts ... disjointed though it is. Modern life, eh? I have so many people to hold dear in my heart after the past 9 months ... such a contrast to when I was 17 and had so many people to be wary of because of things they had done or not done ... 

Have come a long way!! Good thing too, little Baby Jaan deserves a lot more than I had to offer him a few years ago. 

So THE PLAN NOW -

I have a to-do list:

1. Take Sarah's Homoeopathic remedy for 3 days Thu-Sat, take 3 days off and have the 2nd dose Wed-Fri.
2. Tuesday is a big day - have the scan, early in the morning, then reflexology before lunch (hopefully at the Cricketers with Iain!! as Alwyn the reflexologist lives next door pretty much ... ) and then we can go hear what the Doctors have to say about the scan. Maybe the baby will come that night anyway.
3. If not, I have acupuncture on Wednesday. I guess Thursday or Friday would be the induction day of choice for the hospital ... Baby is not really due till Monday 29th ... maybe they do a Sunday night start and he can come on Monday, be ready for his scan on Tuesday ... That would be ok with me ... I dunno, depends on the scan and how hard they press me. Depends on how I feel too - Baby is getting very heavy. He is lying somewhere which is probably good for coming down ... but its not nice for me to walk down the hill, or get up from bed/sofa. 
4. I have no fear as such, I am happy he is coming. I made a decision  many years ago to do this, and have been training for this time all my life - literally since I was a little girl myself. I did the best I could always to get to this point, did not actually always do the best thing - ignorance!! - but have compensated as much as I could in the last year, and have definitely done my best, my very best for the first time in my life. The only improvement would have been perfect meals at every meal and 3 hours exercise every single day - not possible with all the balancing I have had to do. So that's a moot point!  So he will be here, and I will do the best I can to bring him here safely and calmly and happily - not just for me, for my own happiness, but for him, for his life - it starts on earth as he comes out, and its really important how that is. Every sign points to all good things, and I love those signs. 
5. Am seeing the midwife tomorrow - she should be here at 10:00. I need to ask her when she would want me to call her, how long she would take to get here, and how can I be sure it won't be Sally-with-attitude rocking up. 

Iain's gone out for his last night out at the cinema before Baby gets here! Am glad he's getting the chance. I've been nesting and tidying all day! The cupboard under the sink in the kitchen and the new over-the-fridge cupboard are all re-organised and stocked up - I even have the birthing-day biscuits in tins!! Chocolate in one, gingernuts in another, my krackawheat in a third, the rich teas in the last one - LOL!!! Must not eat them yet!! They are for the people who come along .... We have a load of the breadsticks with the parmesan and olive oil in them too, which I love. Not sure if I will be hungry before or after Baby ... or what I would even want to eat, but it feels good to have measurable carbs in the house!! 

I cleaned the bath and the tiles ... I think we need stronger stuff for the tiles ... that will have to wait, now is not the time! At least it's clean. Then I sorted through my jewellery and stocks of soap and bath stuff and moisturiser and it is all boxed up now ready for the Narnia cupboard, thank goodness - I have all I can use for the next few months out and ready. Baby's stuff is all out too, where his stuff is meant to be. His clothes could probably do with re-sorting ... I dunno which outfits are smallest any more as they were washed by colour obviously, not size. I still have one load I can do, and his gorgeous nappies have yet to be washed. I'll wait to do them. 

Just the CDs and DVDs to do - we just have the 2 Bennos in the study now and they need to be sorted so one has the overspill of DVDs and the other has the CDs we want up here, and the rest have to go down. The baskets and boxes we have up here need to go down ... Iain can do all that and we'll have a clear room - in every room!! And I can just chill, and chill some more!  

38 Weeks + 3 days ... am hanging on to the joy of having the baby with me

Well, the ticker says 1 week and 4 days left. 

I do know it's not an exact science, and I did ovulate and implant with some delay - I know that because of the records I kept myself and the very early scans when I had those pains. There is no reason to think all that was for nothing and the baby will come before 40 weeks is up ... his 40 weeks may be the hospital notes' 40 weeks + 5 days! 

I doubt they care about my timeline though, I am being treated with as much respect as the system can allow, but that cannot extend to actually accepting what I think I know when it is totally outside whatever it is that is the norm in their world. It's not personal, it's just one reality squidging along next to another. 

I do feel squidged though, and cross that I have to listen to such a lot of stuff just so I can get the information and advice that I DO want. Today we will go in to the Rosie and hopefully see Miss Charlotte Patient, the Obstetrician in charge of my case there, and she will, I hear, tell me when my baby needs to come. She'll also plan the birth she would choose for me. I am interested to know more about such a plan. I would rather know, and come to terms with it, and work out how best to do what I need to do. I would like to know her reasons for not just waiting, or just leaving me alone. I would like to know if my baby's scans have revealed anything about his size or weight that is relevant to an early induced birth. I'd also want to know if a sweep would be a good idea now. 

I'll be very cross if we are strung along for another week, I am sick of going in there, the games they play with moving goal-posts is insulting. I would rather have honesty. It is unnecessary and very rude. Their protocols don't change, I would rather just know what they think. 

So what is 38 weeks like? 

Physically I am achey, just in a band around the base of my bump, and my back opposite that space. The bump is heavy and of course my muscles are lax there now. I can feel my hips and pubic bones ache and move about a bit, as they should do. I don't put a lot of strain on these bones, or my tummy muscles -  none of the pain is strong, none of it lasts more than a few seconds, it really is nothing compared to what I am used to, pain-wise. It is boring as it is discomfort, but nothing that is giving me a sign that things are happening. 

I am still pooing more often than usual - which has been going on for about a month, and I see that as a sign that things are rearranging and contracting within, even though I feel very little of this. I guess my pain threshold is very high. 

I can still walk, bend all the way down to pick something off the floor, lift my legs to take off nail-polish, moisturise etc, although I have to take my time in order to avoid injury/loss of balance. I don't always want to do any of these things, but that's another story! 

We tried the birthing pool the other night and I want it all the time now - I didn't even realise I had aches and pains ... until I got in!!! They melted away and I loved it. Iain thought I would. Am looking forward to using it. 

I ache most at night, and after lying down for a long time, so mornings are not that nice now. It's not terrible - but it's not a nice way to wake up. 

Emotionally I am very happy about a number of things -

• Those closest to me have been making a big effort to support and reassure me, and help me enjoy this last stage of pregnancy, which is very much appreciated. 
  
• Iain and I are very much together on what we want and what we need to do for the baby, we are preparing for the birth, and I would not want to do this any other way, so I am glad to have him. Sarah is being immensely supportive, her advice is very good, and she is helping me remember to see every option for what it is, something I am perfectly capable of doing ... but as we all know that is never a guarantee that the person will actually do it! 
• I have been thinking about my options carefully and talking to some people, not just Sarah. I've had reassurance from her, from Iain, from Beverley Beech, the AIMS chairman whom I emailed, from the Acupuncturist Vivien, Julie who I did yoga classes with, Chris and Julie (my friend Julie!) and even from Rafi who called the other day - I don't think I'm crazy or being irresponsible or taking unnecessary risks. Neither do they. I have been listening, and trying to really try and hear what these carefully chosen people think ... I don't want to have made up my mind and stick rigidly to an idealised scenario as I don't believe that is useful or appropriate in a birthing situation. I am happy and confident that I am doing my best, and that so far, all appears well. 
• Our home is just lovely - sure there are still a few bags and boxes to go down to the garage, and we didn't finish our list of tasks - but the floors are nice, the walls are nice, the Narnia cupboard, even without a door is great - our shoes and my bags are all on the shelves and we have space to put other stuff - wonder what will end up in there ... (I don't want Iain spending 'spare' time on a door! We can hang out instead!!).
  
• The baby's corner in the lounge, his 'nursery' has a nice feel to it, I think. It's only his cradle, his changing station and the breast-feeding chair my mother used with us 3 .... but I have saved space for Baby's swing, playmat etc for the months to come. I like the space. I hope he will too. 
• Even the study looks nice - despite the boxes we have yet to remove, and despite the modifications we have yet to make ... it will be even nicer soon.

Basically, we know how we want it all to look soon, but we also know plans could change once the baby is here - it's his home too and with such a little home, like ours, we are happy to take our time and get it just right. 

However there are sadnesses too - 

• Pressure from the hospital has been getting me down. The kidney thing is not really something to worry about, and I don't worry or think about it, it is just a scheduled thing to deal with post-birth. One of many things. And I am very happy that I have not been bombarded with pressure and scare-stories regarding all that, the hospital has been open and forthcoming with information and support. The pressure is all about birthing early and making me feel like a bad mother if I want to wait. The pressure is in being there ... week after week ... waiting in their disorganised, badly managed disarray, feeling pressurised, tired, bored and hungry, wondering why on earth anyone would willingly have a baby there. Psychologically it is always a big blow. I don't look forward to it - I am never sure who I will see, what will be said, there is really no reliable pattern, it is all set up to scare, disconcert and coerce. The fact that they try and treat me with respect is appreciated, but I'm not stupid, and can see what it all is ... and where I fit in ... and it's not nice. 
• I do feel as if the only doubts and fears in my mind have been pushed on to me by the hospital system - we have taken as many steps as we can to minimise this problem - we went and had a long LONG session with one of the midwives and made a plan for birthing there. I am happy with the plan, I mean, it's still not my plan as such to birth there, but should I get there, I am happy with that plan. I don't like the lack of confidence my Community Midwives are showing. They would clearly prefer it if I was the Rosie's problem .... if I was going there for sure. In an emergency situation I could well end up at the Lister, which would suck because I have never been there. I dunno if they can follow my Rosie Plan. I don't see what else I can do - we have made peace with every possible location, we have made a plan, we are encouraging the baby to come and preparing ourselves as much as we can, we are open to membrane sweeps, even open to induction with all the methods the hospital recommends - it's a sliding scale of less-than-ideal, but I really, really do believe we will know what to do, and just want information and professional recommendations - I can't stand it when the pressure gets piled on as a routine thing - WHY??? They have spent months watching me, and talking to me. I refuse to stand for the crappy pressure - it sets me back so much. 
• Other people's sadnesses have always got me down, and there are sadnesses around me, which seep in through my skin. I can't change things for other people, I know that, I don;t even want to any more like I used to. I feel bad for my part in making other people unhappy - and I am sorry to say I have made more than one person's sadness worse recently, wither through my own preoccupation with my baby & the resulting insensitivity to their issues, or because I cannot spend any of my energy on their problems - one situation in particular, I am not sure, but in some ways the people concerned seem to feel I should either be wallowing with them in misery or somehow give them some sunshine so they have some respite - and to be honest, they are in such a pickle, I feel I need to keep my pregnant self and my innocent baby well away ... it's too much, it's beyond me, and I think, actually, beyond any happy resolution. Sadnesses like that are poison, they seep in, congeal around one's heart, lungs, stomach, gut and womb - and I have to stay well, have to be okay, I have so much to do, to keep the baby safe now, and to help him thrive when he comes out. 

Physically there have been highs recently - 

• My sugar levels have been phenomenally good, and so easy to manage - this is a sure sign - telling me what I need to do - trust my body, all will be well with my numbers on B-Day. They have confused me a little as Simmonds was warning me about them RISING at this last stage, not going down. I have been eating food with sugar in during my meals as part of my meals - including sugary fruit, chocolate and biscuits. Not huge amounts, but certainly normal servings, and my numbers are great even after 1.5 hours. This is not usual for someone who is meant to be such a freak. 
  
• The baby moves about every day, all day. He stretches out his leg, he turns his back/butt about once in a while, I got a few sharper kicks outward (unusual) when I had Reflexology yesterday - it was definitely making contractions happen, which must have thrown the baby! The day before that I had Acupuncture, just a short session to hopefully get things started, and he did respond to that too, moving about a lot more, and then turning himself this way and that (moving down maybe?) over the later part of the evening. Well, am still not in labour, so lets see. 

The downsides have been hardly any practice contractions ... that I can feel, so I dunno how things are going as such, not that Braxton Hicks' tell you when your baby is coming ... so on the one hand who cares, on the other hand, I have nothing to focus on as such, and monitor and try and speed up or whatever - I dunno, I guess it's not like it would be a comfort or a help if I WERE having lots of contractions ... 

I have been focusing on breathing, on visualisation, and trying to stay stress-free, at least as often as I can be. I know it is simple, and the best thing to do, it's more powerful and proactive than all the other things I could do - such as sew, tidy and do laundry like a mad thing, cook and cook and freeze and freeze, socialise and stuff. I am not doing much of anything other than staying close to where I want to start my birthing, taking care of my body and my spirits as best as I can, trying to counter the sadness and frustration, the stress of the situation - it should not be that way, and people are wrong to pile on the pressure. I am strong, I know I am, never more than now, but I don't know the limits of my strength, or the strength of my failings/weaknesses, so who knows how things will work out?

The 36 Week Scan

This was not an easy day at all. It was kind of marred ahead of time - it was intended to be a nice day out for me and my MIL, then Iain too ... I expected just good news and reasonably good food .... I had my POPS study scan at 11:30 in the morning, then the Growth Scan for the antenatal team at 2 pm. Iain took the day off to be with me and the baby. 

The first scan was fine, but the baby's left kidney didn't look like it had been draining fully, kidney looked fine. The POPS people don't have my records or a point of reference, they just collect data, and so the midwife doing the scan said she'd let the scan lady know for the afternoon, which she did.

We met Claire and Martin from our Antenatal Classes in the food area, and chatted away with them till it was time for us all to go to our appointments. They are nice people. Claire had had good news - her placenta previa is no longer an issue, the placenta has moved up, I am so pleased for her. Really hope all goes well. 

I was pretty calm about the kidney, but I was chatting a lot, it's hard not to just worry - but really there was nothing to worry about at that point, as far as we knew all was well. 

The 2 pm scan showed that the kidney looks healthy, and the amniotic fluid levels are fine, and though the middle of the kidney is a bit swollen (hydronephrosis) this is probably what happens to loads of babies - a pipework issue that resolves itself before birth. There is nothing to be done ahead of the birth, no reason to have him early, we just need to scan him after birth - a few days after, when he is rehydrated. Maybe he'll need antibiotics, maybe he won't need anything, maybe he will need some procedure later. 

The sonographer said she needed her supervisor to see, and she did. Same comments. They could not find his right kidney - just the puffy left one! So I dunno where the other kidney is ... I guess they just could not see it. Anyway, off they went to talk to the Paediatric Consultant Mr Lees, who happened to be in clinic that day across the hall I guess. He said he would see us next week for a detailed scan, and we need to talk to the Renal Dr. 

Great. 

Way to scare us ... I am impressed with their efforts at efficiency in this case - and actually, apparantly we are being seen so soon as they happened to have a slot - I realise it is very unlikely that there is a serious problem, such as a really defective kidney, or long term damage - his kidney itself looks healthy after all, and there is plenty of amniotic fluid so they are working.  All that fluid means his lungs should not be under-developed (the amniotic fluid is necessary for lung development which is a key task of his about now). So far so good. No reason to doubt him, or his development. Of course, loads of UTIs when he is tiny would mess his system up, and if whatever it is does not fix itself, it will need to be fixed, and it is important all that happens. 

I am upset that he will have to have tests at the very least, really soon after his birth, very intrusive and upsetting, and if he needs antibiotics his gut will suffer greatly. 

Iain and I had a tough two days, it really did feel like a tough parenting situation, and I guess no big decision will be any easier really, ever ... from now on, as they will all be about the baby/child. We are three of us now, as sure as if the baby were already with us here. 

We also had a long chat with Dr Simmonds, who 'wouldn't' risk having the baby at home ... he raised the spectre of the mythical dead baby ... as Doctors love to do, and before seeing him, the Obs Registrar said nice things about my sugar levels and said he would recommend continuous foetal monitoring but did not anticipate any problems for me, and didn't see why my birth would not be totally uneventful - but that whatever my sugars are, they are controlled with Met and exercise and diet, and that does not change the fact that there is something wrong with me. So you never know what the risk is. This made me feel like shit, made me feel really, really bad - so I'm a freak, no matter what ... I'm defective and frankly, a bit of a cow to be selfish enough to put a baby, another person in my crappy, defective, useless body that never works ... 

Coming after the perfect baby who now can't drain his left kidney revelation, and coming before seeing Simmonds, it was a hard thing to hear. 

I was tired, my sugars were messed up with the hospital food, the stress, and the waiting in the heat ... I was feeling really bad, and crying. That made Ruth, one of the midwives spend some time comforting me, which I appreciate, and Simmonds spent a long time with me, again, which I do appreciate. 

I asked about figures - what are they for GD patients and outcomes at the Rosie - how many of these GD mum's babies need help because of insulin issues at birth, how many of those had numbers like mine - how much good have I done? Is it likely to have been enough? Anyway - get this - there ARE NO FIGURES for GD women, and only 1 years numbers on Type 1 and 2 diabetics ... ????!!!! 

Teaching hospital.

One of the best in Europe he told me.

Audits - that's what I was thinking, they MUST have to audit the service - they spend a shedload on diabetes monitoring for every woman who fails the OGTT ... wtf???

I am disgusted really, as I can't make my informed choice based on the Rosie now. 

He did tell me about the best studies that have been done recently on the outcome of treated GD patients ... most notably the HAPO study. He was convinced that it was pretty risky to have a baby with GD ... much riskier than we used to think. 

I looked up the study, he is right. My sugars may well be nowhere near low enough. BUT we have seen how small the baby is - average size. His bits and pieces and organs and limbs are all average. 

My sugars have been so steady, and pretty low ... nowhere near other people. My fasting reading has almost always been low low low. The baby's activity level has not been uber high or super sluggish, he has been extremely reassuring. 

I think these are good signs. I do not want to make decisions based on fear. 

I do have more questions for him about the outcome, the results of that study. I understand that badly controlled impaired glucose tolerance is a worse deal than previously thought, and the threshold is lower than previously thought ... fair enough, I suspected that anyway. But how did I do??? We have tons of data on me .... 

Iain and I are still keen on the home birth. 

I spoke to Kerry the midwife the next day, we need more info on what the hospital birth would be like in order to decide and prepare - we could always end up there anyway, and knowing what the facilities really are (not that breeze through full of complains that they called a hospital tour) and what it would really mean for us ... we need that. Anyway, she said they have a consultant midwife whose remit is to go through all that and help women make a choice. Good. 

Trouble is, the woman had a letter sent to me - arrived on Saturday - saying see you on Monday. WTF - I am not going without Iain. Could the stupid cow not have called me? Idiotic - how stupid are they over there? Waste of paper and postage too. Ridiculous. They have all my contact details and Kerry could have called me. I am NOT going on Monday on my own to be bullied and harrassed when we are already going on Tuesday, together. The letter says we are happy to re-book, well you'll have to, love, bloody cheek!!!! 

Hmmpphh. 

Iain and I also went to the Midwife's clinic at the Roysia Surgery the day after the scan, to talk about the homebirth some more - we are taking it seriously that so many people feel their advice should be 'we wouldn't ...' - Simmonds, the midwife ... they have been caring for me, and they all make the big sad scared eyes .... and issue vague warnings without actual numbers .... They are the only professionals we have access to, and their advice has been helpful in other areas, we don't intend to ignore their advice without consideration. That would not be consistent. 

So Iain had questions - Simmonds' scare tactics had shaken him, which depressed me no end. He didn't actually let the fear take over, thank goodness, and ultimately he trusts my judgement over random fears that don't even belong to us ... which is good to know. We came through this, it was not pleasant, but we came through with no problems, just sadness caused by other people's fears. Our own fears are reasonably easy to put into perspective. They don't cease to be, how can they, but we actually have done and are doing all we can, and all we need to. Nothing is certain - but what we are trying to do gives all 3 of a us a good shot at success and peace surely. 

Having talked and cried a lot the night after the scan, I woke up crying, and Iain did not feel he could leave me and go to work. We decided to get some answers. The midwife, sadly, was Jane ... who is a bit of a character .. does not do home births anymore, and had 2 caesareans herself and is of the opinion she and her kids would be dead otherwise .... so we're not even on the same planet really when it comes to birthing.

Anyway, she was happy to raise the dead baby spectre at will too. I do switch off inside on people who do that. To each their own I suppose, I'm beginning to think the world has 2 sorts of people in ... dead baby spectre enthusiasts (they happen to also be the weak minded with no imagination) and the rest of us (and of course I know babies die, don't be so stupid and go get some self respect while you are at it). 

'Nuff said I suppose, I WAS after some professional advice, and some information I could use ... but her ideas on what happens to a woman birthing ... [a woman in labour I suppose] well, what can I do with all that ...? 

I tried to get something out of it, all I could hear were warnings about a pre-ordained chain of sad, constrained events, none of which has any place in birthing unless someone puts it there, IMO. She also really felt like I was against hospitals, anti-interventions ... 'you'd probably call them ... call them ... interference ...' she said. 

Well, I do call interventions ... er ... interventions, that is what they are, and of course I know at times someone with a drug, a scalpel, some forceps, or something does need to intervene. I am not a fool, and I know as much as a layperson can find out easily about the interventions that are carried out on the NHS. I have had several interventions for goodness sake - the conception of the baby was with Clomid, my Met is a huge intervention, my scans, my supplements, my food manipulation, sugar control - I work with medicine, with the doctors I trust, and with myself. What else can I do??? 

And why does accepting help or asking for help mean I have to buy in to the fear and whole kit & caboodle when it comes to the mega-pack of interventions? Taking Metformin helps me and the baby. I believe continuous foetal monitoring will not. No one else can choose. So let me choose, stop being a baby and sulking and trying to make me feel bad about choosing ... OMG ... why do these people feel the need to make me sad ...? WTF ... playground shenannigans or what?

Am still disgusted, days later. 

Jane said the SOM (supervisor of midwives) would have to come speak to me about risks to me and to the midwives, come see me with Annabel, and maybe a SOM would have to be there at the birth. I said, fine, I don't mind who thinks they need to be there from the midwives side, I may decide to stick with the homebirth plan, or go to hospital, I can't say yet, and it's pretty standard for the SOM to be involved in a case like mine. 

No one has called yet to sort it ... I guess I'll call Annabel on Monday. What a pain ... 

If they are planning to bully me, they can think again. I would like information, and advice on how to do this safely and well .... and I refuse to let people stress me out now. 

As it is the place is not tidy and that makes me stressed out - and we still have furniture moving issues hanging over us ... messing up the whole month. 

36 weeks at last.

Am far cheerier today than when I wrote my last post. Can you see my lovely hair???? 

I have pretty highlights and look well nice ... am hoping Baby will say 'wow Mummy look at your hair ...'  ... well, say it in his little baby heart, in my imagination ... whatever ... who knows what he will really think ... I may as well imagine something nice! 

So I am cheery, not just for my hair's sake, but other reasons too. 

Partly this is due to empathy and understanding from my friends (thank goodness for them!!), Iain and even my parents - they are so happy that our baby is coming soon, they are getting excited, which is fine for them ... I am less keen on the second-hand-Adrenalin .... but their happy faces are nice to see, reminds me of the baby ... no doubt his happy face will please me similarly. The parent-child-parent pattern is .... er ... a pattern, basically a displaced repeat, a delayed reaction, a repeat reaction. Luckily it's complex and encoded, and I can re-write some of the code LOL!!! 

I am also feeling better after having a whine about my food (poor, poor me!) and yet maintained my diet and perfect sugar scores (yaay me) - so I just need to do this for one more week and I am home free IMO. There will be nothing more for me to do ... the rest is up to fate, Allah, the Baby, nature and coincidence. All I know is, there are certainly not 36 weeks to go .... so I can't complain! 

I am still happy to be pregnant. The baby is great, he kicks about like a happy little thing, all the kicks are up near my right side, I get the occasional twinge in what may well be my cervix, (who knows where it all is these days!!) - Iain and I are having bizarre adventures with the EPO and perineal massage every evening - it's a team effort, we need all the hands, arms and expertise we have ... nothing is quite where we expect it to be anymore!!! What IS the baby doing in there?? Redecorating?? Landscaping?? It's a laugh some nights, and we have to take a step back and re-assess other nights. I suppose it is no bad thing to have to do that ... overcome a challenge calmly. Surely night feeds and nappy changes and the baby when he has some sort of problem will similarly require our combined efforts, all our hands and wits too! 

So while it's not exactly fun, everyone I know who did the perineal massage has told me it worked for them ... so we're sticking to it. It's something proacative to do, anyway ... I still get a back or full body massage every other night or so (Iain is very kind) unless Iain is very

very sleepy. I am still sleeping like a log every night, waking up at about 6 am now, rather than 5 am, which is nice. I have been drinking at night, hoping that it does wake me ... 

I prefer to get up and wee, and make sure the baby is moving about - it's a bit long for me to sleep all night and just leave him to his own devices ... his kicks don't hurt me so I don't wake up. Not sure we are geared up here to do anything about it if he stops kicking .... but there is really no one else to keep an eye on him/be there for him ... so there you go. 

It's not great trying to turn over in bed or get out of bed - my tummy is very heavy and my tummy muscles are totally useless right now (rightly so), and my hips ache when I try to move like that (they are fine the rest of the time). I have found that as long as I use my leg muscles, and maybe my arms, and get on all fours, I can get up from bed or lying otherwise pretty easily with no pain as such. I have been lying on my left side a lot, supported by the sofa and cushions, I am trying to give the baby space, keep my circulation going (slightly raised leg), and it seems to help take the pressure off. My back and sides are fine. I am also walking and doing chores, cooking, tidying, laundry etc each day, keeping the limbs moving, and the yoga - I wish I had the energy every day, I don't, but every other day for sure, plenty of inverted postures, squats and balance postures. Partly I am checking my body to make sure the hip pains are just my body preparing for birthing, not anything trickier, and the seated postures and inverted ones are also a good guide for me to make sure my digestive system is still ok - I have not had indigestion or reflux or anything so far, and I keep testing my muscles - am not sure if it is at all scientific to try and tell this when I am partway inverted ... but I know in the past when my oesophegus was rubbish, a downward dog would have thrown me somewhat, would have felt bleagghhy with bile, and am fine now. 

I do get tired, exhausted even (rarely) - a little exercise and regular rest seems to work, and listening to my body in terms of response to food - insulin levels etc, using my sugar readings (I take a lot of readings) mean my energy levels are pretty good. 

I do have a lot to do in the next few weeks ... 

the baby's sections of each room are still not done (put together) and personally I don't want to do them once he is here ... what a drag. I don't want to do it now, am not gonna want to do it then. 

I have books to read and re-read - have read the Tracy Hogg book and am on Gina Ford this morning ... the sooner I decide what I'm going to bother to take out of those books the better ... they are not exactly fun to read!

I've started on Iain's Handbook for once the baby gets here ... it's meant to include his cookbook too ... plus I have my pregnancy diary and the pregnancy photobook to finish. I did plan to do all these things in this last month .... but even so ... nothing is particularly interesting any more ... am just a bit slow and a living from one sugar reading to another. I do feel that next time (if we are so lucky) I will just get an independent midwife and avoid as much of the hospital help as possible. I really resent the arbitrary, arrogant sugar-level fascism ... I know I decided to use their help in the way I am using it ... and the drama factor is from their side, and I am just living with it .... I suppose I feel I have other things to do rather than fight them ... But really, I know what to do now, for next time. Am collecting data now and I am happy with what I have learned, and don't think I can change their flawed system ... not now, and not by myself. Will leave that battle for now .... All I really care about is the baby. 

34 Weeks + 1 Day Pregnant!

Well on the day I became officially 34 weeks pregnant I was having a good old time at my parents house, being pampered and loved and supported by a whole load of Asian ladies - my parents neighbours, family members, friends, and plenty of my Grandmother's friends. I'm about to join them in motherhood - pretty exciting stuff! 

A few of my cousins and friends were there too. It was a really nice day for me. 

Today, I have recovered from all the excitement. I rested all day yesterday. I have an antenatal appointment to see the Diabetic team, Iain is taking me - my sugar levels have been perfect. Hope they have just good things to say. We also have an antenatal class afterwards. 

Here is what I look like now! Baby is moving about a lot - I gather he is on his way down. 

32 Weeks pregnant - a trying week.

So here I am at just over 32 weeks. That's some bump I have there! Actually, the bump is perfectly ok in size for my dates, according to the midwife. My scan on Tuesday showed the baby too is just the right size - head, shoulders, legs, body etc all the right size, he's average for his age. He weight (they think) 4 lbs and 4 oz. That is about 2 kg. He has a lot of growing to do in the next 7 and a half weeks or so! 

I'm actually not too big, and neither is he - I am not sure what people expect when they see me, but I have had quite a few 'you're huge' comments (nice!! LOL) and wise words about amniotic fluid (I'm carrying a boy and he had a load of fluid around him just in front ..) 

Well, all that aside, here is what I know, based on being in constant contact with my little one - I am absolutely fine, my Metformin, diet and staying active is paying off still. He is just perfect - nothing wrong with him, he is doing very well, specially under the circumstances, he is a constantly reassuring little presence. He moves about throughout the day, still does not hurt me, gets into a comfy position when he needs to. He is really doing his thing, and I feel encouraged to make the effort to make his situation as pleasant as possible - keeping my food and activity as positive as possible, keeping my energy levels as stable as possible, resting and getting up to do things in turn, staying positive when I can and getting help when I feel anxious - Iain and hypnobirthing CDs are my first line of defence ... I know I have more ... Kate is a good person to talk to, as are Chris and Jules - even though they haven't been pregnant, or had GD, they know me well, and I can't begin to explain how supportive their support is. Am relieved I have Sarah too. Once I know what I am doing, she will protect me, help me protect myself. 

Am under pressure from the hospital and the midwife about birthing the baby in hospital ... the reasons are the usual scare-mongery ones - nothing specific for me and my case. I was starting to get worried and scared (not falling for that one though!!) - actually, objectively, there are reasons to stay at home, and reasons to go there, and I need a lot more answers from the hospital side before I can make my informed choice. Yes, there are some special cases where hospital is safer ... I really don't think that is the case with me and my little one right now, and its far too early to say. 

They are obliged to give me the information I need at the hospital, and if they simply do not know any figures or know what they will do to 'keep me safe' then really, they have no clue and nothing to convince me with, which will tell me what I need to know. If they have good reasons, but I don't think they apply to me, then I have my answer. It's completely possible that my situation will deteriorate in the next 7 weeks and their reasons will have sound and relevant basis - in which case they need to have a very good plan in place for me or I will not be happy. 

We just need to be organised, even if it just means organising a very good early chunk of labour at home and then ship the whole show over to Addenbrookes. I'm not about to let anyone mess things up for my baby. My job's to protect him, and I'm the only one who will be with him all through - the hospital staff will come and go, most of them wont know me at all. Even Iain might get taken away from me, then what? No one can take responsibility for what happens but me (unless they knock me out or render me immobile, oh horror). So I just have to be responsible. 

My symptoms are once more interesting!

I am so tired so easily, and dizzy - not for long, mind, just briefly, and a little rest, a little yoga or a little breathing sorts it all out. 

I have been extremely lactose intolerant - the small amounts of lactose remaining in my system have not been overly painful, or painful for long, but the problem is almost out of control ... am managing to control it with eliminating the dairy and taking the good bacteria and staying at home so I can watch what I eat. It will take at least till the weekend before I feel ok again I reckon, and another week or 2 before I am good again. 

Well, it was good while it lasted, enough is enough. Even the baby can't make the lactose problem go away. 

The diabetes team were understandably less than impressed with my sugars for last week. I had been out a few times and had forgotten my Met dose a couple of times - I had a bad reading every other day. This coupled with the fact that the baby's belly is a bit big for his age means you-know-who has been chowing down on the extra glucose in my system. I feel so bad, so guilty and greedy - I love the baby, and am not particularly selfish or greedy when it comes to him, and yet I was greedy and selfish enough to eat all that. I chose to eat that stuff - sure, no one around me helped me stay away, but really, it's not their issue is it, it's my problem, the food, and it's my baby. I don't see the point in regret and guilt in this case when I have SO MUCH TO DO - he has not exactly suffered yet - doctors are not worried. They will worry if I don't turn this situation around. 

The diabetes team (oh the patronising arrogance!!) have given me a week to show I can have perfect numbers still with Met and diet alone ... and my prize? I get to carry on with more 'you can't do this for ever, [smirk smirk]'... My punishment should I fail? I will be 'put on insulin'.

Oh cheers, they own me now do they? 

Anyway, I understand that if I can't control all my levels myself I will need help, and that could well mean insulin, and it WILL work better than Met alone, but I need to know they have some sort of method of balancing the insulin during the birth - it's not easy, it's a slippery slope IMO - and randomly having a couple of drips attached (good luck attaching 2 drips to me btw!!!) with some moron who knows nothing about my brand of 'diabetes' is not something I can consent to. 

Who are these people that think this is a sound plan??

Can't believe women just agree to all this ... what are they thinking ..... 

Anyway, here's what I'm thinking:

Yippee, my baby is just the loveliest baby ever, you should have seen him on the screen when they scanned him, so sweet! He's still a blobby little so-and-so ... but that's the ultrasound for you, he's not really like that. What he's really like is a cuddly, curious little soul, who these days likes to stretch out a bit when he has a moment, ad tries to swim to the surface to be near his Daddy when Iain talks to him or near him. He wakes up around 5:30 in the morning, and seems to just like being up and about - no specific issues!!

We love him very much. 

Can't believe the changes!!

Hi All

Obviously I have been too busy to post much, well, I have been too tired too. It seems ridiculous - literally the MINUTE I hit 30 weeks enormous fatigue set in. Not all day, just often enough to mean I just about get back up before am down again. Last night, following on from yesterday being a slow, miserable, sad day for me (darned hormones, darned sugar levels the day before, darned consequences!!!) I was pretty miserable. Pretty sad. Talking to Iain helped, and realising I DID achieve a lot yesterday even though I didn't leave the house was a good thing. (I shopped, for Baby and Mummy essentials,  sorted out the birthing pool ... I've done my bit now, am hoping the pool will arrive - the stockist in Holland should send it to Tanyapa once she's paid for it, and it should arrive at their place in time for them to bring it over to me. I did the accounts for June/July, and made some rough calculations for the next 7 months - I think we might be ok in the end, I need to stay focused. Maybe if we keep the balance right we can let go of Green Meany [the car] when the baby is about 5-6 months old and move up to a Skyline as planned ... maybe we wont have to and can just do the LPG conversion on Greeny. I'm glad the Skyline will do ... we just need to find one in the right colour which is a good car. I also called the council waste disposal people and asked about the brown bins for food waste and they are sending us one they say. Good. I wonder what will go in our normal bin now if we can recycle everything .... just disposable nappies I guess. And non-recyclable stuff. Plus I did a whole lot of the baby's laundry and it all came out looking brilliant.)

Iain really helped. He gave me a really nice bedtime massage, we put the hypnobirthing music on and he made up stuff to say - hypnobirthey stuff! It was great, he is very good at it, and he did a special voice ... sounds like HAL ... lol!!! I slept well, which makes a change from the night before! 

So I guess my strategy has to be keep the sugar levels down. I got careless on Sunday and suffered for it. My gut is also less tolerant now of many things. the obvious problems are back - I was teetering on nausea, was a gas bucket, and had lactosey-pains over the last day or so. And indigestion is threatening! So being careful is my only option, huh? 

I didn't walk at all yesterday, but did a fair bit of laundry and housework, I was active - just in very small chunks. More activity!!! That's the way. 

There are big changes in the flat too. The bedroom is almost done I guess. The big changes - wardrobe and mirrored cabinet - are in place. Am waiting for the baby's changing table - Richard & Birgit have it (it was Katie's). A lot of things are looking more plausible - the shelves that we're getting for the bedroom walls, the pegs to hang things on - they are all selected, we just have to get the rest of the place ready before we can get the shelves/pegs and put them up.

Should be nice in the end. 

Iain is putting in a new door to the kitchen soon, with glass panels. The baby will be able to see us in the kitchen, and we can see him from the kitchen, if need be. Also more light will be able to be shared between the lounge and kitchen, which will be good. 

The kitchen itself will soon have another cabinet, above the fridge, and I'm going to keep the chemicals there, out of reach. Under the sink can have all the non-toxic but big stuff - supplies! Am glad. Maybe the nappy pail will go there too, am not sure. 

When Iain's Mum gets here in a few weeks, we'll send the table and chairs back to Redgrave and get the sideboard and Grandma Midgley's table. Am hoping Baby's cradle will also have arrived and we would therefore know what's what in our lounge! 

We're ready to get rid of the coffee tables with wheels ... the big old shelves are going to move next to the TV to serve as media/phone shelves + Virgin Media box shelf. There will be room for some books still, so it should be ok. The Ikea shelves will move to the wall that's on the kitchen side, and should take up very little room - leaving space for the baby's stuff. Maybe a toy chest or something. 

Our sofa should come soon too. Am hoping everything will look nice together, and that there will be a huge space in the middle of the room for the birthing pool! 

Iain will strip and varnish the two wooden chairs and probably the 'heirloom' 50p  b/f chair from Mamma & Abba's place [it's just a wooden chair my Grandmother picked up for 50p at a charit shop when my Mum was expecting - we've all been breastfed on it, even Brishti]. The three chairs should look nice in the end when they are done. They are all we'll have apart from the new sofa, possibly the futon, and the bean bag! 

Should be good though. Nice stuff, nice room, nice flat (inside!). 

Right now he is working on the doors in the flat, and once they are all done the place will look transformed, I am sure. The 'Narnia Cupboard' and hall carpeting is next on the list ... and what he has to do is petty simple, so I think we'll manage. Hmmm ... good thing we have very little on in August...  apart from my showers but Iain does not have to do anything in advance for them. He can do DIY stuff! 

First ever BH contractions?

Well, we went to see NK and everyone else at Cherry Hinton as planned today. I had porridge for breakfast with Iain - I had a half portion, but still, by lunchtime sugars were still at the limit. We took NK out for a wander and it was lovely. 

Then we had Peyaju and lunch (rice and dhaal for me, Iain had keema too). And I was worried later as my sugars went up again. 

I had forgotten my Metformin - I thought we were going home right after lunch. 

We didn't - we went to the Vue and saw Prince Caspian - which we loved, but I was hungry too and so had peanut M&Ms as the least risky item available at the Vue. So then at least the sugars didn't go up, but 2 hours later they hadn't really gone down. Back at home I crashed - I was feeling the high levels, I was grumpy, sad, disappointed, a bit worried - not much, two readings under those circumstances .... could have been a lot worse. 

I slept for I guess 3 hours. So went without food for far too long ... almost 6 hours by the time I ate something and I was suffering a bit by then. Iain had let me sleep (when will he learn!!!) which really messed me up as it took all of the next day to actually get back to some kind of normal. I missed the meal, which was bad, specially after eating 3 meals that dod not work for me. Then because I slept all evening I could not sleep at night - not till about 4 am or 4:30. I had to get up and listen to podcasts and spend time on SoulCysters. 

It was while being up all night and before that, late in the evening that I had the contractions. So many of them! Then I realised some were BH and some were just the baby rolling to one side of me, with all his weight. Phew! 

Actually the first lot - not sure if they were practice surges or the baby - started when we got home, before I crashed. I had pain too. Muscles all tensed and bunched up, and was suffering because of the lactose intake. A bad combination, I had to have Iain's help to breathe and calm down and relax. We put on a hypnobirthing visualisation and it worked. I slept after that. 

Alls well that ends well, but I gotta watch it with the food and relax more. 

27 Weeks and 3 Days!

Here's my big 'ol belly now, almost at the 3rd trimester ... or has it already begun???? 

I'm definitely more tired, my back is easily achey ... baby has started moving more, I can feel him in more parts of my tummy. things are moving along. 

Means more work! I have to keep up, for his sake as well as mine and Iain's. Am tired of working so hard, but that's not really very helpful. No point feeling that way and there will not be LESS work and less effort involved in the years to come!!! Pregnancy, I am sure, is a piece of cake compared to parenting. 

Lets see, the joys of 27 weeks - my son is alive and well and making his presence known to everyone else. People notice my bump. Some people have even felt him move, or even seen him move. People say I look well and fit, even Abba has noticed and he's hardly perceptive! That is great motivation. 

Oatcakes taste great, that's a really good UP!! 

On the downside - am exhausted. A lot of the 'plans' on the to-do list have to take a back seat now because a) I don't care about shopping much at the best of times, I only care about taking care of myself and little one right now, and feel I should just do that. If the chores, housework and simple things like reorganising furniture can fit in with exercise ... then well and good. But really, everything else can wait. b) I realise the baby doesn't care at all about the flat, and the best thing I can do for him is work as hard as I can for his birth. If that is all I can train for, and focus on, then so be it. He WILL care if he has a bad one!!

I don't think I have been able to do as much as I wanted to ... but I do think I have done a load more than anyone else expected. And I am doing very well in this pregnancy, even by my own standards. I'd like to step it up though. 

Question is, do I have enough energy and drive to eat right, exercise and practice the hypnobirthing for 13 more weeks????? 

I hit 27 weeks shortly

Well, a lot has happened in the past week

The best & worst things, rounding it up today as I await 27 weeks - entry into the last week of the 2nd trimester ... :

POSITIVE - Seems I can keep my sugar levels below the upper limit (5.5 fasting and 6.6 two hours after meals) if I take my Metformin and really restrict my carbs. Of course this means making sure the rest of the meal is balanced and nutritious ... and of course I do know how to achieve this, so it's a positive. NEGATIVE - 3 more months of eating like this ... with not a jam donut or a chocoltae cake in sight ... and the knowledge that my food list will shrink further as the diabetes progresses with the pregnancy ... oh, doesn't bear thinking about. I'm the baby's Mummy, not some angel or prophet ... OMG.

POSITIVE - my photoshoot was so lovely and I wore such nice clothes. I really felt nice. NEGATIVE - not that negative I suppose, or that unexpected - I went shopping after the photoshoot and bought a LOT of stuff. I do this every year before my birthday ... it's my Me Time ... I can take it all back if need be ... lets see how much money I have now that I don't have a lot of food to buy!!! I guess that's another POSITIVE on the food front!

POSITIVE - I feel fit, well and can move about. The exercise is paying off already (an hour a day since I saw David Simmons at Addenbrookes). NEGATIVE - whatever the cause, my gut is not so good. Possibly the huge amounts of lactose I have been having have caught up with me. possibly it's the food I have had at other people's houses/outside. Hidden nasties.

POSITIVE - Baby is moving about nicely. I'm so happy about that, and there are no negatives that I can see in his development - unlike me, he's just right.

Another POSITIVE that has no negative correlative - I've seen family, and friends wuite a bit recently, and that is very nice for me. I'm lookimng forward to my birthday party, baby shower and Goadh bharrai.

Finally, Iain is busy working on the floor of the bedroom as I type ... and our bed should be back in there TONIGHT!!! We've also sold the sofas and the new owner should take it away Monday at the latest ... so we are on our way to having space to prepare for the baby, which is SO GOOD - I need to nest! Of course we'll have to start making concrete decisions on purchases - the wardrobe, the shelves ... Oh that is a big responsibility. And all that DIY has had one NEGATIVE consequence - we haven't practiced our hypnobirthing together in ages (before Le Mans).

So much to do ... and I'm so hungry!!

Well the hunger is new. I am absolutely ravenous ... a LOT... often too ...

Not good really, as clearly I am well out of balance. I have been struggling to stick to the list I have been given, and to adjust to the new way of eating. My sugars are still within the limits they want them to be in ... but they are creeping up towards the upper limits. Not good at all. 

I wonder how much of it is a self fulfilling prophecy. How much of my cravings are chemical, biological and unavoidable, and how much is psychological - I can't have it, so I want it. I'll fail ultimately whatever I do, might as well hurtle on towards insulin right away and get it over with ... These are all such pointless perspectives, so counter-productive and so insulting to my mind. I am not enjoying my fears and weaknesses slithering out under from whichever rock I had banished them to. The deficiencies in my willpower are irritating and humiliating. How hard can it be to not have a chocolate? To cook some food so I don't buy a cake? To remember to pack oatcakes and cheese? To choose water. 

Aaaarrrggghhh. It is almost Tuesday - almost a week since I was given my glucose monitor and food list. Almost 2 weeks since I found out I failed my GTT. Why am I STILL in such a confusion? 

I feel overwhelmed, defeated and depressed about it, true, but that is hardly an excuse. I have done harder things than modify my diet to reduce calories and protein, up the complex carbs and reduce the fat .... Maybe that is why it is hard now, I have already done so much I am burnt out. What a whiner though!! OMG the things other people have to do, and I am whinging and complaining about having to pretty much do what I have been doing all along ... eat carefully, exercise as much as possible and remember to take my meds ... It's not like it's for nothing, I can see the results every time I check my sugars 5 times a day, I can also look forward to hearing 'yes, your baby is doing just fine, keep going' every few weeks from the midwife or the hospital team, or the ultrasound people ... there really is no reason to feel so bad about it and crumble as I am crumbling. 

Knowing things aren't as bad as I feel isn't the same as believing though .... 

It's specially irritating feeling this bad now as we need to get the rooms finished, and move all our stuff into the new places for them ... right shelves etc. I need to clean the baby's toys, clothes, collect all his stuff from other people ... make the place ready for him. I want to do these things, but I just want to lie down too. 

The baby is DEFINITELY kicking a lot more. Big time. I am also getting a tightening feeling about the top of my womb every now and then, not long enough to be a practice surge, but am sure it will get that way in due course. I am achey in my back a bit if I am not careful ... and I have been feeling a bit sick every now and then - probably food related. 

Gestational Diabetes is here to stay

Well, I've had a few days to try and get used to the idea, and It has been hard. I have the odd less-than-ideal reading but largely the Metformin is keeping my sugar levels at least at the limit of where I should be, or better. 

Psychologically it is another story. It's not that I know 'too much' or have ridiculous unrealistic fears about diabetes. It's not that I am focusing on the bad things that might happen to my baby, or to me. I've been learning for ages, before the baby was conceived, since the baby started to be, and specially now that the doctors are talking to me about it all. I know my chances - better than many people because I know what I need to do, and I'm getting what help I can. I also understand my risks for this pregnancy, and the risks to our son, and it saddens me, makes me feel reckless and depressed and desperate. Knowing I have 3 months to make as big a difference as possible under the circumstances is a blessing. Knowing I found out as soon as it was possible to diagnose it is also a blessing. However the prospect of living with it and trying to manage it for 3 months is daunting, and depressing, and to be honest I don't WANT to deal with it. I don't want to be strong. I want to be weak, and cry all day, and eat eclairs and dissolve into a messy blob of a woman with sugar coming out of every pore, Seven Brides for Seven Brothers on the DVD player, ice cream by the bowlful, plenty of Frappuccinos (keep 'em coming) for the next 3 months and then somehow have the baby yanked out and presented to me with a 'there, there, see, it's all ok, you didn't have to do anything love'. 

Of course I'm not stupid enough to think that fantasy is anything other than a twisted nightmare. Being a blob now will only mean I will actually turn into a blob, and hang on to the diabetes post-baby. So can't do that ... Pointless. How am I going to raise the baby if I am sicker and sicker for sure? Eclairs aren't really what they used to be (except, perhaps at Betty's, and we don't live in Yorkshire), Tescos eclairs don't really do it for me, nor do M&S eclairs ... so no point trying to eat any. Will accelerate towards the time when I'll need insulin that much sooner if I eat pig out on eclairs, and to be honest, at that price, they really would need to be very good. Don't want to add insult to injury. No reason to wholly abandon self-respect and style just yet ... plenty of time to let all that go when I am covered in baby poo and sick in a few months.... Seven Brides for Seven Brothers has been a pregnancy-long 'craving' - a non-food craving, but a persistent one. Easily remedied. Have ordered it on Play.com. Will be Blessing everyone's Beautiful Hide, Wherever they may be in stereo in no time. If that doesn't cheer me up, really, what will???? Ice cream is trickier ... can't say it's a good idea, even if I do make some myself. Have to give that a miss, even though it is generally reliably yummy. (Unlike eclairs). New dietician's advice allows me plenty of fruit and cereal though - obviously not Sugar Puffs, or Coco Pops, or even my new faves - Dove's Farm's Chocolate Stars ... what I am now allowed is more the Bran Flakes, Shreddies, Weetabix and of course the always-sanctioned Porridge .... HOWEVER that is still a far more extensive range of cereals than I have had access to in the past year, easy and yummy and most desert-like out of all my allowed foods. Can't complain if I can have fruit too. Of course I won't have just cereal in the morning ... will continue to base the meal on protein ... but since smaller means are now what I need to try, and because I need to cut back on the protein and increase the carbohydrate carefully, and spread it out (so I keep producing some insulin if I can, and only eat as much as my insulin levels can accomodate) ... a slice of bread or one Weetabix (no sugar) here and there seems a cheap, easy, stress free, and crucially MEASURABLE way to find out what I can do.

Of course I am sad, wouldn't you be? Of course I am desperately lonely in all this ... no one else is going through this, and everytime someone says 'it will be alright don't worry about it' I just shut down inside - what does that mean anyway? Go eat cake, you can't hurt your baby? Give up now, you've lost already? Bury your head in the sand and it won't happen? Well, obviously cake can hurt MY baby - he'll have to make loads of insulin to process it for me, bless his tiny heart. I can't give up, and ignoring it amounts to giving up. Burying my head in the sand is the worst thing I can do, and it's generations of people who just let it happen that has made it impossible to avoid getting GD ... despite all my hard work. I worked so hard on myself, on my food, my fitness. All for nothing. I couldn't outrun it, what I did was not enough and I couldn't do more. Maybe some mothers could. All I know is I tried, every single day, and I have failed so miserably, so completely. How can I be LESS vigilant now, having already failed? It's no longer a battle to avoid diabetes, I've lost. Now it's a battle to stay of insulin, and it doesn't look like I will win that battle either, so when/if I fail there, I will have to fight the next battle, and the next. I hate it I hate it I hate it, and I hate doing it on my own. Oh I know Iain is here, and I could not do what I have to do without him, but he is alone in his battle to help me. The mundane, desperately boring everyday drudgery of meal after meal, exercise session after exercise session, test after test, appointment after appointment miserable experience of trying to beat something more powerful and more devastating than anything we can do. It's a boring, boring process. The sheer drudgery of preparing yet another cheap, nutritious, perfectly balanced meal out of a short list of foods I can eat as well as afford .... oh my God. It was bad before, now its so much worse - more meals. Ever tried sustaining a food plan like mine ... keeping it palatable, bearable, interesting if possible? I couldn't say it is character building ... I'd say it is soul destroying, in a special way. Of course I am happy that I feel better when i am eating right for my illnesses ... of course I would rather be approximately 'well' on my diet rather than ill with a half-eaten plate of chocolate cake in my paws, washed down with pineapple juice..... But it's a sad, lonely way to live, and incredibly dull to eat ones own cooking so much, even if it IS my cooking, which I dare say could be so much worse. 

Iain is confident we will be successful on some level. I don't really have any reason to believe we will win many of our GD battles, all I believe is that I have to try. 

Abba's here!! Plus - Dealing with aches, pains, and the misery of gestational diabetes

My Yoga class was today, and I made an extra effort to eat carefully so I would not be as faint as last week. It worked. I managed to keep up quite well in class, although my mind was racing a bit. Am struggling to avoid getting very depressed about the GTT results. There is no point getting depressed now ... there are still almost 4 months to go and this could all get a lot more hopeless later on ... it's all pretty ok and manageable now. 

I told Louise the yoga teacher, and she reassured me - a few of her students have had it, and if I make an effort with the food things could work out just as I have hoped from the start. She's right, and I am sure my hard work will pay off. Her class really motivates and balances me. 

I'm getting a few more aches and pains - not SPD but in that general area. More work needed I think ... am not that regular with my yoga. Most of it is on about 3 or 4 days of the week, and 2 of those are in a class ... I should do a lot more and stay on top of it. The misery of dealing with the GD (am craving sugar ... and I know I have had sugar recently, a number of times, so I'm not surprised .... I have to abstain for a while and see if I really am worse, or if I am just paying the price right now ...).

Tiffany arrived yesterday afternoon, we have been chilling out, lazing about, and chatting mainly since last night! Today she came in to Cambridge with me, she shopped while I did Yoga (we just made it to get the bus in the morning!!!). Then we met Mum and went to Nandos for lunch. We had such a nice time, the 3 of us. Tiffany got me a present from Lush (yaay!!! - bath stuff for foamy gorgeous baths and a mama tee shirt with butterflies on it). Mum and Tiffany got on like a house on fire, it was great. We went shopping later (I needed a set of long knitting needles, 5 mm), and had Tiffany's nose pierced - so Mum was in a Tattoo parlour!!!!! 

Tiffany's nose looks great with the jewel in it. 

Then we went to Mamma & Abba's house and hung out with Abba, who looked so dashing with his nicely coiffured hair (Bangladeshi barbers ... wish Abba saw a barber here too!!) He seemed a bit tired but well, and in good spirits. Tiffany interviewed them both for her thesis, and they seeemed to all have a good time. We had yummy dinner (made both me and Tiffany sick later ... but anyway ... ). Tiffany is kinda where I was a year ago with my gut and assorted problems. I think almost all of them are IR-related .... she needs her own Endocrinologist working it out ... 

GTT results

Well after a lovely aqua yoga class I hung out a bit and had some food with some of the other ladies and Amanda the teacher. Turns out she has an atrial fibrillation and has to have a cardio version, like asap. She's stressed and depressed about it, poor love, I'm sure she'll be ok though, I hope so anyway. She is amazing and has already taught me so much in just a few weeks. 

I need to send her the phone number for the pool in Royston .... she wants to set up a class for teaching babies to swim there. Yayy! 

Anyway, after that, went to hang out with Mum, and we had a nice browse through the wools and stuff for the baby at John Lewis. I called the hopsital before seeing Mum and got my GTT results. I didn't pass the test - Bummer. 

I spoke to Kerry, the midwife who specialises in diabetes, and she had the glucose results to give me, not the insulin results. My fasting glucose level was 5.7, one hour after the drink it was 10.8, and 2 hours later it went down to 8.1. The NHS like my levels to be below 7.9 ... so my their reckoning I am diabetic at the moment. [to get my numbers in 'American' ... ie if you're one of my American pals checking my numbers and bewildered by the single digits .... these numbers are how we measure them in the UK, it's a different unit - multiply by 18 to get the corresponding result in the US, so my fasting was about 102, my + 1hr was about 194, and my + 2 hrs was about 146. Not good, eh?]

I was a bit upset, even though I did expect to get this result. I wasn't, like, "it's all over" - but I am well aware both of how lucky I am I know what's happening and know what t do, but also of how serious it can be .. how serious the consequences can be. I am wary of the hospital, and what they will try and scare me with ... like I said, they 'need' to manage the risks they think they can do something about ... doesn't mean they are actually able to make my life any better or the baby's life any safer. I need my wits about me, and my will power and strength and need to do the best for my baby. I do get a lot of blank faces, or exasperated disbelief from people ... most people don't seem to get my attitude. I'm aware and proactive and it reads as me being negative or scared or worked up over nothing to a lot of people. Says more about them than about me I think ... Of course I have fears - my own problems are causing problems that my poor baby has to deal with. I'm not broken by them though. Although I am sad. I didn't want this to happen. 

Burying my head in the sand or crying all day won't help though. What will help if I find a way to keep eating carefully despite the extra train ... I AM more insulin resistant now that I am diabetic - I can feel it and I want to eat things I shouldn't. It's hard, diet control is not quite enough now, and who knows if the Met will still be enough in a few weeks. I don't see how added insulin would help if I can't use my own insulin ... so am unsure what I can do other than become as insulin-sensitive as possible (lots of drugs, exercise and the right food) - and I know it will be hell, not just because of the extra cravings, but because everyone around me (apart from Iain) buys into the 'you're pregnant, eat all the pies, go on, indulge yourself, you deserve cake' model of pregnancy. Hmmmm ... I wonder if that works out well for any mother, but I can't think about that right now. I can only deal with my pregnancy and my baby's chances.  

I really am not looking forward to having to eat even more carefully. People are kind, and praise me for my efforts, saying I am doing far more than other people. It's really important to have that encouragement, as it is ghastly to have to deal with the food issue now .... pregnancy is tiring and demanding anyway ... I do really thrive on that sort of support, but I know it's not on a scale (the eating), and just because other Mum's may be only on crackers and cookies (poor things), that doesn't make the repercussions of any mistakes I make any less problematic for my little one. 

I know even if I somehow manage to do it all perfectly (which is impossible) - the risks will still be there, reduced perhaps, but still there. That is a depressing thought. On the one hand I have  a great plan, the best support from Iain, plenty of other support from the people and medical staff around me (differing levels of support, but they all mean to help, which is a lot). On the other hand, it's all a bit hit and miss however far I take it .... 

24 Weeks!

So, there really are just 16 weeks to go (on paper). 

I feel well again. Had a nice weekend, with Iain and our mothers (specially my mum - saw her twice and had fun), visited my lovely cousin Anika and her gorgeous boys, saw my grandmother and aunty (briefly, but caught up in the process, and their enthusiasm and love for my baby is always heartening). Thursday was good too, spent the evening with my friend Jules (baby's Godmother too), again, really made me feel better. It takes some work and plenty of love and support to counter the emotional upheaval of the mega doses of progesterone it seems! 

Am glad I feel good. 

I wasn't feeling ill last week so much as restless and not at peace. 

Am hoping this coming week just goes really well. I have the SATC movie tonight with Becca, then the GTT tomorrow, and Iain will drop me at the Hospital early in the morning. He'll be off to Mostyn's that night. They are off to Le Mans the next day. I'll be ok, Tiffany will turn up again on Wednesday too, after I get back from Aqua Yoga and lunch with Mum. Hope she has had a good time in Paris. Mum and I are going to choose wool I think, for hats for the baby ... Mum wants to make stuff for him and the hats are beyond my abilities, specially the crochet ones (most of them!) and I know he will need many hats - poor thing won't have much hair, if any at all, and his first 6 months will be cold. Mum also has such a busy schedule, I think hats will serve well - she'll have time to do them, and finish them, which is such a good feeling. 

I have been cooking. Made some yummy food last week, can't work out when I decided to make each item ... it was a bit ad hoc. Good though! The last meals I remember were roast chicken one night and a kind of lamb stew with pearl barley and rosemary, and carrots which was very nice. We've been having some truly delicious cabbage (thank you River Nene - they bring us our vegetables every week). I now have some khitchudi I cooked last night (er, it's lentils and rice cooked with a few spices, it's the ultimate comfort food and possibly the healthiest stodge I know how to make. It can be very creamy (like the one I just made). Might have it with chick peas, maybe with fish, maybe just on its own. Whatever I choose, I'm having some today and can't wait!! Last night we had peppers stuffed with a mixture of home made keema and vegetable biriyani from a Tilda sachet. We had it on a bed of fancy lettuce, and I had sprouted mung beans too, and it was soooo good. 

Then we had a little rhubarb crumble each - 

I made the crumble part with stoneground wholemeal flour and added some ground flaxseeds, and it tasted so good! The rhubarb is from Iain's parents' garden, and the whole thing was very good.