Not good really, as clearly I am well out of balance. I have been struggling to stick to the list I have been given, and to adjust to the new way of eating. My sugars are still within the limits they want them to be in ... but they are creeping up towards the upper limits. Not good at all.
I wonder how much of it is a self fulfilling prophecy. How much of my cravings are chemical, biological and unavoidable, and how much is psychological - I can't have it, so I want it. I'll fail ultimately whatever I do, might as well hurtle on towards insulin right away and get it over with ... These are all such pointless perspectives, so counter-productive and so insulting to my mind. I am not enjoying my fears and weaknesses slithering out under from whichever rock I had banished them to. The deficiencies in my willpower are irritating and humiliating. How hard can it be to not have a chocolate? To cook some food so I don't buy a cake? To remember to pack oatcakes and cheese? To choose water.
Aaaarrrggghhh. It is almost Tuesday - almost a week since I was given my glucose monitor and food list. Almost 2 weeks since I found out I failed my GTT. Why am I STILL in such a confusion?
I feel overwhelmed, defeated and depressed about it, true, but that is hardly an excuse. I have done harder things than modify my diet to reduce calories and protein, up the complex carbs and reduce the fat .... Maybe that is why it is hard now, I have already done so much I am burnt out. What a whiner though!! OMG the things other people have to do, and I am whinging and complaining about having to pretty much do what I have been doing all along ... eat carefully, exercise as much as possible and remember to take my meds ... It's not like it's for nothing, I can see the results every time I check my sugars 5 times a day, I can also look forward to hearing 'yes, your baby is doing just fine, keep going' every few weeks from the midwife or the hospital team, or the ultrasound people ... there really is no reason to feel so bad about it and crumble as I am crumbling.
Knowing things aren't as bad as I feel isn't the same as believing though ....
It's specially irritating feeling this bad now as we need to get the rooms finished, and move all our stuff into the new places for them ... right shelves etc. I need to clean the baby's toys, clothes, collect all his stuff from other people ... make the place ready for him. I want to do these things, but I just want to lie down too.
The baby is DEFINITELY kicking a lot more. Big time. I am also getting a tightening feeling about the top of my womb every now and then, not long enough to be a practice surge, but am sure it will get that way in due course. I am achey in my back a bit if I am not careful ... and I have been feeling a bit sick every now and then - probably food related.
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