Jaan at 5 and a half months +

Well the feeding situation is more complex now, and involves a bit more mess at times!

He eats a lot of fish, chicken, lentils, spinach, some rice cereal, quinoa and amaranth flakes, fruit and squashes/pumpkins/carrots kind of stuff. A lot of it is Plum Baby or Ella's Kitchen stuff ... he likes the tasty stuff! He adores the cheap and cheerful Orchard Chicken from Cow & Gate too though! His formula of choice is SMA, he has the White one now, for hungrier babies ... and he seems to like the Tommee Tippee bottles best of all - so much for the Adiri bottles I got for him ... he loves them, but to play with and chew on!! Not so much to drink from. I made him some rice pudding, millet pudding and quinoa pudding and froze it all in cubes. He has them, but definitely prefers the desserts made by Plum Baby. He like the Ella's Kitchen fruit range even less than my efforts! Go figure. A mashed banana in his cereal goes down quite well sometimes.

Jaan will eat 3 meals a day if he's offered them ... I try and encourage just 2 meals a day and extra breast-milk or formula ---- he's not quite 6 months yet and while he has the motor skills to eat even lumpy chunky stuff - meat off our plates, fruit, fishcakes and the like, his gut and digestive bits and pieces are still very young, who knows what they can and can't do. I can wait, and Jaan will have to wait. 

He looks at everything we eat and tries to have some. He looks a bit hurt when he is not offered any! 

On the teething front, he complains of gum pain (holding his gum and pointing and crying!!) for a few nights every week or so. Then settles down again. 

He's taking to his cot a lot better now in the daytime. He spends at least half the night-time sleep with us in the new super-king-sized family bed (yaay our first own bed ... we've always had a borrowed once since we got married).

TV is attractive to him - he loves Lazytown and watches the Tombliboos on In the Night Garden. We cuddle up together in the late afternoon and I feed him and pat him while he watches, hoping he will relax and then sleep. It normally works. Jaan is very intent on his latest project - mobility. He rolls from his back over to his front, but can't move back the other way. He tries and tries to roll and roll, he does it good naturedly. When he is tired, he stops for a few moments, drops his head, then when he has rested, raises it again and carries on trying. It takes quite a while before he gets so tired that he gets cranky and frustrated. I help him turn over then, but he often feels bad that he's not on his tummy anymore - hugs and cuddles and wiggle-wiggle action tends to sort the tears out though! 

Mostly though, Jaan laughs and smiles all day, every day, all the hours he is awake, and sometimes in his sleep. He does cry a bit in his sleep too .... perhaps he needs to pee, perhaps it is dream-related. Jaan likes to sleep through the night and have a long sleep in the morning too. His afternoon nap and late afternoon naps are now shorter, about an hour or so. He has a lot of playing to do all day after all! Plus he has a lot of 'walking' to do in his baby walker.

In terms of the kidney mystery - we now know he just has one for sure, and that is a good, healthy kidney, but that the pipework associated with it is dilated and needs to be watched. Every 6 months we'll have to take him for a scan, he'll have to stay on antibiotic prophylaxis indefinitely, and we'll have to keep a close eye on him as we have been doing. Iain is pleased as punch that it is nothing worse, and my parents urge me to be thankful to Allah. Personally I try not to think about it. Iain does the medication now. We found a manufacturer that makes the Trimethoprim without the strong taste. 

Iain does his bit getting ready to wean Jaan

As we are 15 weeks into parenting Jaan now, our thoughts are starting to turn towards the next round of 'Firsts' - weaning (introducing solid food) and teething. I've been choosing what I hope will be suitable teething products, weaning spoons and stuff, and Jaan's high chair. I wanted the Stokke Tripp Trapp for the longest time ... then I realised the Little Helper FunPod High Chaircould really work for us - it will be the FunPod once Jaan is too big for the high chair, and the high chair itself separates into a chair for Jaan anyway. Super  - here's Iain making it.

He's too young for it, of course, but we needed to make sure we have all the parts! 

So NOW it is time!

So since I last wrote, have seen Annabel on Friday, and today seen Sally - the two community midwives. Have had a sweep each time, am still not really particularly effaced, and the baby oscillates between about 3 fifths and 2 fifths in and out! So no obvious signs .... not that there is any such thing as an obvious sign ... 

Baby can come any time, as before. Sally said sometimes there is no sign and those are the babies that just come. She also said tonight is not a good idea as no midwives are free - the on-call homebirth midwife is sick! Tomorrow would be good, or Tuesday! 

LOL. 

Well, we'll see. 

They do keep finding protein in my urine - could be nothing, could be bad news ..... oh wish I knew why there is protein in my wee. Sally is chasing my lab results from last week ... 

Not sure if inducing Tuesday or after Tuesday would be best ... I guess will find out on Tuesday. 

On a more personal note, we have been having a great time, Iain and myself - nesting a little, wandering about Royston enjoying the Arts Festival (very good!), watching Paula & Stu's play (very good!! They really are very talented), receiving calls and messages from friends and family, watching movies and TV, hanging out, sleeping and stuff. It's nice. It's everything we could want .... the baby moves about just as before, all day - I do get a bit paranoid at times, but he seems fine. Waiting is not a problem ... except for his risk as my baby, the baby of someone with impaired glucose tolerance .... that is the only problem, I can't know how safe he is or for how long ... 

39 Weeks and then some ..... Meditating and whirling chakras like a good 'un!

So here's what I'm up to at this late stage of pregnancy:

We do the Rainbow Relaxation we've been practicing for so long (it's a Hypnobirthing thing) and use the other visualisations Sarah has taught us. Mostly I'm just trying to chill out, get in there and spend time with the baby inside, and have been spending time with Iain - watching TV, chatting, cooking, eating at home or out, going to appointments together, lazing about, reading to the baby, or Iain helps me with managing the pain etc - massages, hot wheaty-bags, food, water as in the pool or a bath.

So I focus on the colours, the mantras, the Rainbow, and hope I can stay in the good place I've been retreating to for so long. Made myself the happy diagram above! Am quite pleased with it! That's me today, 39 weeks and 4 days pregnant! 

The pain is rather special to say the least!! I sympathise with women who have suffered for months and months of pregnancy - I have had severe pelvic pain since Sunday last, and while I appreciate it is good that it is happening gradually and manageably leading up to the birth ... Oh My Word does it hurt!! Not always - but if I have lain down, and then eventually of course need to turn or get up - OMG the pain. It's oww oww oww Howl Howl Howl, and then once I am up it is fine again. But very intense when the pain is happening. 

I also need shoves and heaves from Iain to actually get up sometimes now - it's like being crippled or paralysed. I feel like Uma Thurman in Kill Bill ... not nice. It's ludicrous that it fells me so. Am glad I have Iain's help as he helps me avoid some of the pain, and has been diligently massaging away at my legs and hips and feet. 

I have had acupuncture yesterday and today - pretty hardcore therapy, it hurt a fair bit, which is unusual for acupuncture - but expected for the kind of treatment we needed to try to help this baby come ... my Chi has well and truly been prodded and I have a needle in a plaster (special thing) still in my leg for the next few days, and an extra in my bag in case I go in to labour, for the other leg! Vivien is great, and if Baby is not here by the weekend will come along on Monday to the flat to try some more! 

Tomorrow Annabel my midwife will come along in the morning to check me out and to do a stretch & sweep for me ... eww urrghh the excitement! Then I can chill out and wait for Baby. We will see Paula & Stu's play, enjoy the Royston Arts Festival, and see if baby turns up ... no need to make any Induction related decisions till Tuesday anyway .... 

Apart from the pelvic pain, I have no complaints. Am hungry for more food at mealtimes, but not hungry as frequently as a few days ago ... am unsure what is going on ... am watching myself for better data! 

8 Days to go ... OH REALLY???

Woke up early this morning, wondering whether to have a soak in the bath ... I knew my in-laws would be stopping by on the way to the airport - to drop off my Mother's birthday pressie and to pick up their post. They would not be staying as Iain's Mum has a cold ... and I must not get infected right now. But still, I wanted to at least look at them and have them see my bumpiness! They have missed so much of the pregnancy .... 

I never made it up and out of bed with enough time to have to decide on a bath, but I was feeling good - happy and mobile. 

A few hours went by, I sorted the CDs and DVDs with Iain - FINALLY so the boxes can go down to the garage, and I have been putting music in the Mac's iTunes, deleted pregnacy podcasts etc. Am all set for Motherhood LOL! By the time the morning was well underway I realised I am VERY uncomfortable - the baby appears to be way low down now or something - I actually can't face walking too far on my own. Iain went and got the car's mapping done - car still needs bigger injectors and then the LPG conversion SHOULD work well ... finally, right now it's jerky and unreliable and we are still using petrol a lot. Anyway, he came back and said we need the injectors doing, it's provisionally set for Thursday ... LOL I laughed a lot, it was so funny to hear him say that - I had to tell him, if the baby is here by then, we'll probably need the car around, and if the baby is not here by then he will probably come then, and the car cannot go to have the injectors done!! LOL. 

Anyway, we walked down to get fruit together as it is market day, and that was a journey and a half! It took ages for me to walk, but it was also good to walk, I need to keep walking. It helps. 

So we are gonna go to KFC later! 

Maybe the baby will come soon. 

The signs or lack or signs are boring really, as they are largely unreliable and unreadable data - no direct correlation with any actual time for the birth or indication of progress. All I have to go on is a general feeling -- and my general feeling is the baby is on his way, maybe not this weekend, but soon. I feel uninterested in actual contractions and pains and timing and stuff because of the unreliability and ubtrackability .... no way of actually interpreting any of it. Shame that, I enjoyed tracking my sugars, checking my temps when TTC etc - it was great looking for patterns. No suck luck now. 

Am not anxious, am fine with the wait, am enjoying my day - it is sunny outside, Iain is home, he is putting boxes in the garage for me, our flat is pretty much baby-ready. 

Under 10 days to go!!

So we had our appointment we dreaded so much yesterday at the Rosie, where the big bad OB was gonna tell us when Baby has to come ...

What a nice surprise - we saw a Dr Hackett, and he was extremely civil and respectful and reassuring. He reassured us again about the baby's kidneys, and we assured him right back that we were not worried either. Will wait to know more after the baby is born, and wait till we actually have something to worry about ... as far as we know, all will be well anyway and we'll never have to worry about his kidneys, which would suit me just fine because I am sure I will find many other things to worry about!!

After that, Hackett talked about my GD - how was I doing etc, and as it is still freakishly well controlled and even getting EASIER to control, he turned to the baby's scans and his size and amniotic fluid levels, blood flow to him from me etc - and all of it is very good, has been all through. So the Dr said we don't need to worry about him yet, you both look very healthy, no need to talk about induction yet, lets see if he can come by 40 weeks. Maybe induce him just before he is due if he has not come yet. We can decide next week after the 39 week scan. 

Rah!!!! 

I am happy enough with that. I have a weeks peace, and I feel so at peace now! The acupuncture and reflexology I had definitely has got things started, as I have contractions now, on and off, and the period-pain kinda pain is still going on in the background. Hackett felt my tummy and said the baby's head was 2 fifths in my pelvis and 3 fifths was still out for him to feel - pretty good as he was not anywhere there before - I thought he had moved down a bit and he has. Of course it means nothing in terms of when will he come out ... ditto the contractions, I can have them on and off for weeks ... but to me, they are all signs that things are happening, and I trust my body and my baby to do all that needs to be done in good time. 

I have acupuncture and reflexology booked for the second half of next week, and Sarah gave me some homoeopathic stuff last night to start taking. Will see how it all goes. I want to enjoy this week, as of course next week I may well be under pressure to induce. 

Am interested to see how the baby is doing by Tuesday. I do want to see him soon ... and he will be here soon, one way or the other. 

We also went to Sarah's last night for our Doula session, saw a video with some positive births (Russian ones!) which was lovely, we had a good talk with Sarah, and made plans, clarified things I need to ask the midwife, and we did some hypnotherapy - a fear release that was pretty powerful, and it is one I feel comfortable with now. The fear was about the horror-induction-hospital scenario - much of which I have learned to deal with, with the hospital's help and Sarah's help, Iain's support and my own hard work. It really helps to have my friends' encouragement too ... I did want a tribe for myself and the baby and I appear to have a tribe of sorts ... disjointed though it is. Modern life, eh? I have so many people to hold dear in my heart after the past 9 months ... such a contrast to when I was 17 and had so many people to be wary of because of things they had done or not done ... 

Have come a long way!! Good thing too, little Baby Jaan deserves a lot more than I had to offer him a few years ago. 

So THE PLAN NOW -

I have a to-do list:

1. Take Sarah's Homoeopathic remedy for 3 days Thu-Sat, take 3 days off and have the 2nd dose Wed-Fri.
2. Tuesday is a big day - have the scan, early in the morning, then reflexology before lunch (hopefully at the Cricketers with Iain!! as Alwyn the reflexologist lives next door pretty much ... ) and then we can go hear what the Doctors have to say about the scan. Maybe the baby will come that night anyway.
3. If not, I have acupuncture on Wednesday. I guess Thursday or Friday would be the induction day of choice for the hospital ... Baby is not really due till Monday 29th ... maybe they do a Sunday night start and he can come on Monday, be ready for his scan on Tuesday ... That would be ok with me ... I dunno, depends on the scan and how hard they press me. Depends on how I feel too - Baby is getting very heavy. He is lying somewhere which is probably good for coming down ... but its not nice for me to walk down the hill, or get up from bed/sofa. 
4. I have no fear as such, I am happy he is coming. I made a decision  many years ago to do this, and have been training for this time all my life - literally since I was a little girl myself. I did the best I could always to get to this point, did not actually always do the best thing - ignorance!! - but have compensated as much as I could in the last year, and have definitely done my best, my very best for the first time in my life. The only improvement would have been perfect meals at every meal and 3 hours exercise every single day - not possible with all the balancing I have had to do. So that's a moot point!  So he will be here, and I will do the best I can to bring him here safely and calmly and happily - not just for me, for my own happiness, but for him, for his life - it starts on earth as he comes out, and its really important how that is. Every sign points to all good things, and I love those signs. 
5. Am seeing the midwife tomorrow - she should be here at 10:00. I need to ask her when she would want me to call her, how long she would take to get here, and how can I be sure it won't be Sally-with-attitude rocking up. 

Iain's gone out for his last night out at the cinema before Baby gets here! Am glad he's getting the chance. I've been nesting and tidying all day! The cupboard under the sink in the kitchen and the new over-the-fridge cupboard are all re-organised and stocked up - I even have the birthing-day biscuits in tins!! Chocolate in one, gingernuts in another, my krackawheat in a third, the rich teas in the last one - LOL!!! Must not eat them yet!! They are for the people who come along .... We have a load of the breadsticks with the parmesan and olive oil in them too, which I love. Not sure if I will be hungry before or after Baby ... or what I would even want to eat, but it feels good to have measurable carbs in the house!! 

I cleaned the bath and the tiles ... I think we need stronger stuff for the tiles ... that will have to wait, now is not the time! At least it's clean. Then I sorted through my jewellery and stocks of soap and bath stuff and moisturiser and it is all boxed up now ready for the Narnia cupboard, thank goodness - I have all I can use for the next few months out and ready. Baby's stuff is all out too, where his stuff is meant to be. His clothes could probably do with re-sorting ... I dunno which outfits are smallest any more as they were washed by colour obviously, not size. I still have one load I can do, and his gorgeous nappies have yet to be washed. I'll wait to do them. 

Just the CDs and DVDs to do - we just have the 2 Bennos in the study now and they need to be sorted so one has the overspill of DVDs and the other has the CDs we want up here, and the rest have to go down. The baskets and boxes we have up here need to go down ... Iain can do all that and we'll have a clear room - in every room!! And I can just chill, and chill some more!  

38 Weeks + 3 days ... am hanging on to the joy of having the baby with me

Well, the ticker says 1 week and 4 days left. 

I do know it's not an exact science, and I did ovulate and implant with some delay - I know that because of the records I kept myself and the very early scans when I had those pains. There is no reason to think all that was for nothing and the baby will come before 40 weeks is up ... his 40 weeks may be the hospital notes' 40 weeks + 5 days! 

I doubt they care about my timeline though, I am being treated with as much respect as the system can allow, but that cannot extend to actually accepting what I think I know when it is totally outside whatever it is that is the norm in their world. It's not personal, it's just one reality squidging along next to another. 

I do feel squidged though, and cross that I have to listen to such a lot of stuff just so I can get the information and advice that I DO want. Today we will go in to the Rosie and hopefully see Miss Charlotte Patient, the Obstetrician in charge of my case there, and she will, I hear, tell me when my baby needs to come. She'll also plan the birth she would choose for me. I am interested to know more about such a plan. I would rather know, and come to terms with it, and work out how best to do what I need to do. I would like to know her reasons for not just waiting, or just leaving me alone. I would like to know if my baby's scans have revealed anything about his size or weight that is relevant to an early induced birth. I'd also want to know if a sweep would be a good idea now. 

I'll be very cross if we are strung along for another week, I am sick of going in there, the games they play with moving goal-posts is insulting. I would rather have honesty. It is unnecessary and very rude. Their protocols don't change, I would rather just know what they think. 

So what is 38 weeks like? 

Physically I am achey, just in a band around the base of my bump, and my back opposite that space. The bump is heavy and of course my muscles are lax there now. I can feel my hips and pubic bones ache and move about a bit, as they should do. I don't put a lot of strain on these bones, or my tummy muscles -  none of the pain is strong, none of it lasts more than a few seconds, it really is nothing compared to what I am used to, pain-wise. It is boring as it is discomfort, but nothing that is giving me a sign that things are happening. 

I am still pooing more often than usual - which has been going on for about a month, and I see that as a sign that things are rearranging and contracting within, even though I feel very little of this. I guess my pain threshold is very high. 

I can still walk, bend all the way down to pick something off the floor, lift my legs to take off nail-polish, moisturise etc, although I have to take my time in order to avoid injury/loss of balance. I don't always want to do any of these things, but that's another story! 

We tried the birthing pool the other night and I want it all the time now - I didn't even realise I had aches and pains ... until I got in!!! They melted away and I loved it. Iain thought I would. Am looking forward to using it. 

I ache most at night, and after lying down for a long time, so mornings are not that nice now. It's not terrible - but it's not a nice way to wake up. 

Emotionally I am very happy about a number of things -

• Those closest to me have been making a big effort to support and reassure me, and help me enjoy this last stage of pregnancy, which is very much appreciated. 
  
• Iain and I are very much together on what we want and what we need to do for the baby, we are preparing for the birth, and I would not want to do this any other way, so I am glad to have him. Sarah is being immensely supportive, her advice is very good, and she is helping me remember to see every option for what it is, something I am perfectly capable of doing ... but as we all know that is never a guarantee that the person will actually do it! 
• I have been thinking about my options carefully and talking to some people, not just Sarah. I've had reassurance from her, from Iain, from Beverley Beech, the AIMS chairman whom I emailed, from the Acupuncturist Vivien, Julie who I did yoga classes with, Chris and Julie (my friend Julie!) and even from Rafi who called the other day - I don't think I'm crazy or being irresponsible or taking unnecessary risks. Neither do they. I have been listening, and trying to really try and hear what these carefully chosen people think ... I don't want to have made up my mind and stick rigidly to an idealised scenario as I don't believe that is useful or appropriate in a birthing situation. I am happy and confident that I am doing my best, and that so far, all appears well. 
• Our home is just lovely - sure there are still a few bags and boxes to go down to the garage, and we didn't finish our list of tasks - but the floors are nice, the walls are nice, the Narnia cupboard, even without a door is great - our shoes and my bags are all on the shelves and we have space to put other stuff - wonder what will end up in there ... (I don't want Iain spending 'spare' time on a door! We can hang out instead!!).
  
• The baby's corner in the lounge, his 'nursery' has a nice feel to it, I think. It's only his cradle, his changing station and the breast-feeding chair my mother used with us 3 .... but I have saved space for Baby's swing, playmat etc for the months to come. I like the space. I hope he will too. 
• Even the study looks nice - despite the boxes we have yet to remove, and despite the modifications we have yet to make ... it will be even nicer soon.

Basically, we know how we want it all to look soon, but we also know plans could change once the baby is here - it's his home too and with such a little home, like ours, we are happy to take our time and get it just right. 

However there are sadnesses too - 

• Pressure from the hospital has been getting me down. The kidney thing is not really something to worry about, and I don't worry or think about it, it is just a scheduled thing to deal with post-birth. One of many things. And I am very happy that I have not been bombarded with pressure and scare-stories regarding all that, the hospital has been open and forthcoming with information and support. The pressure is all about birthing early and making me feel like a bad mother if I want to wait. The pressure is in being there ... week after week ... waiting in their disorganised, badly managed disarray, feeling pressurised, tired, bored and hungry, wondering why on earth anyone would willingly have a baby there. Psychologically it is always a big blow. I don't look forward to it - I am never sure who I will see, what will be said, there is really no reliable pattern, it is all set up to scare, disconcert and coerce. The fact that they try and treat me with respect is appreciated, but I'm not stupid, and can see what it all is ... and where I fit in ... and it's not nice. 
• I do feel as if the only doubts and fears in my mind have been pushed on to me by the hospital system - we have taken as many steps as we can to minimise this problem - we went and had a long LONG session with one of the midwives and made a plan for birthing there. I am happy with the plan, I mean, it's still not my plan as such to birth there, but should I get there, I am happy with that plan. I don't like the lack of confidence my Community Midwives are showing. They would clearly prefer it if I was the Rosie's problem .... if I was going there for sure. In an emergency situation I could well end up at the Lister, which would suck because I have never been there. I dunno if they can follow my Rosie Plan. I don't see what else I can do - we have made peace with every possible location, we have made a plan, we are encouraging the baby to come and preparing ourselves as much as we can, we are open to membrane sweeps, even open to induction with all the methods the hospital recommends - it's a sliding scale of less-than-ideal, but I really, really do believe we will know what to do, and just want information and professional recommendations - I can't stand it when the pressure gets piled on as a routine thing - WHY??? They have spent months watching me, and talking to me. I refuse to stand for the crappy pressure - it sets me back so much. 
• Other people's sadnesses have always got me down, and there are sadnesses around me, which seep in through my skin. I can't change things for other people, I know that, I don;t even want to any more like I used to. I feel bad for my part in making other people unhappy - and I am sorry to say I have made more than one person's sadness worse recently, wither through my own preoccupation with my baby & the resulting insensitivity to their issues, or because I cannot spend any of my energy on their problems - one situation in particular, I am not sure, but in some ways the people concerned seem to feel I should either be wallowing with them in misery or somehow give them some sunshine so they have some respite - and to be honest, they are in such a pickle, I feel I need to keep my pregnant self and my innocent baby well away ... it's too much, it's beyond me, and I think, actually, beyond any happy resolution. Sadnesses like that are poison, they seep in, congeal around one's heart, lungs, stomach, gut and womb - and I have to stay well, have to be okay, I have so much to do, to keep the baby safe now, and to help him thrive when he comes out. 

Physically there have been highs recently - 

• My sugar levels have been phenomenally good, and so easy to manage - this is a sure sign - telling me what I need to do - trust my body, all will be well with my numbers on B-Day. They have confused me a little as Simmonds was warning me about them RISING at this last stage, not going down. I have been eating food with sugar in during my meals as part of my meals - including sugary fruit, chocolate and biscuits. Not huge amounts, but certainly normal servings, and my numbers are great even after 1.5 hours. This is not usual for someone who is meant to be such a freak. 
  
• The baby moves about every day, all day. He stretches out his leg, he turns his back/butt about once in a while, I got a few sharper kicks outward (unusual) when I had Reflexology yesterday - it was definitely making contractions happen, which must have thrown the baby! The day before that I had Acupuncture, just a short session to hopefully get things started, and he did respond to that too, moving about a lot more, and then turning himself this way and that (moving down maybe?) over the later part of the evening. Well, am still not in labour, so lets see. 

The downsides have been hardly any practice contractions ... that I can feel, so I dunno how things are going as such, not that Braxton Hicks' tell you when your baby is coming ... so on the one hand who cares, on the other hand, I have nothing to focus on as such, and monitor and try and speed up or whatever - I dunno, I guess it's not like it would be a comfort or a help if I WERE having lots of contractions ... 

I have been focusing on breathing, on visualisation, and trying to stay stress-free, at least as often as I can be. I know it is simple, and the best thing to do, it's more powerful and proactive than all the other things I could do - such as sew, tidy and do laundry like a mad thing, cook and cook and freeze and freeze, socialise and stuff. I am not doing much of anything other than staying close to where I want to start my birthing, taking care of my body and my spirits as best as I can, trying to counter the sadness and frustration, the stress of the situation - it should not be that way, and people are wrong to pile on the pressure. I am strong, I know I am, never more than now, but I don't know the limits of my strength, or the strength of my failings/weaknesses, so who knows how things will work out?

36 weeks at last.

Am far cheerier today than when I wrote my last post. Can you see my lovely hair???? 

I have pretty highlights and look well nice ... am hoping Baby will say 'wow Mummy look at your hair ...'  ... well, say it in his little baby heart, in my imagination ... whatever ... who knows what he will really think ... I may as well imagine something nice! 

So I am cheery, not just for my hair's sake, but other reasons too. 

Partly this is due to empathy and understanding from my friends (thank goodness for them!!), Iain and even my parents - they are so happy that our baby is coming soon, they are getting excited, which is fine for them ... I am less keen on the second-hand-Adrenalin .... but their happy faces are nice to see, reminds me of the baby ... no doubt his happy face will please me similarly. The parent-child-parent pattern is .... er ... a pattern, basically a displaced repeat, a delayed reaction, a repeat reaction. Luckily it's complex and encoded, and I can re-write some of the code LOL!!! 

I am also feeling better after having a whine about my food (poor, poor me!) and yet maintained my diet and perfect sugar scores (yaay me) - so I just need to do this for one more week and I am home free IMO. There will be nothing more for me to do ... the rest is up to fate, Allah, the Baby, nature and coincidence. All I know is, there are certainly not 36 weeks to go .... so I can't complain! 

I am still happy to be pregnant. The baby is great, he kicks about like a happy little thing, all the kicks are up near my right side, I get the occasional twinge in what may well be my cervix, (who knows where it all is these days!!) - Iain and I are having bizarre adventures with the EPO and perineal massage every evening - it's a team effort, we need all the hands, arms and expertise we have ... nothing is quite where we expect it to be anymore!!! What IS the baby doing in there?? Redecorating?? Landscaping?? It's a laugh some nights, and we have to take a step back and re-assess other nights. I suppose it is no bad thing to have to do that ... overcome a challenge calmly. Surely night feeds and nappy changes and the baby when he has some sort of problem will similarly require our combined efforts, all our hands and wits too! 

So while it's not exactly fun, everyone I know who did the perineal massage has told me it worked for them ... so we're sticking to it. It's something proacative to do, anyway ... I still get a back or full body massage every other night or so (Iain is very kind) unless Iain is very

very sleepy. I am still sleeping like a log every night, waking up at about 6 am now, rather than 5 am, which is nice. I have been drinking at night, hoping that it does wake me ... 

I prefer to get up and wee, and make sure the baby is moving about - it's a bit long for me to sleep all night and just leave him to his own devices ... his kicks don't hurt me so I don't wake up. Not sure we are geared up here to do anything about it if he stops kicking .... but there is really no one else to keep an eye on him/be there for him ... so there you go. 

It's not great trying to turn over in bed or get out of bed - my tummy is very heavy and my tummy muscles are totally useless right now (rightly so), and my hips ache when I try to move like that (they are fine the rest of the time). I have found that as long as I use my leg muscles, and maybe my arms, and get on all fours, I can get up from bed or lying otherwise pretty easily with no pain as such. I have been lying on my left side a lot, supported by the sofa and cushions, I am trying to give the baby space, keep my circulation going (slightly raised leg), and it seems to help take the pressure off. My back and sides are fine. I am also walking and doing chores, cooking, tidying, laundry etc each day, keeping the limbs moving, and the yoga - I wish I had the energy every day, I don't, but every other day for sure, plenty of inverted postures, squats and balance postures. Partly I am checking my body to make sure the hip pains are just my body preparing for birthing, not anything trickier, and the seated postures and inverted ones are also a good guide for me to make sure my digestive system is still ok - I have not had indigestion or reflux or anything so far, and I keep testing my muscles - am not sure if it is at all scientific to try and tell this when I am partway inverted ... but I know in the past when my oesophegus was rubbish, a downward dog would have thrown me somewhat, would have felt bleagghhy with bile, and am fine now. 

I do get tired, exhausted even (rarely) - a little exercise and regular rest seems to work, and listening to my body in terms of response to food - insulin levels etc, using my sugar readings (I take a lot of readings) mean my energy levels are pretty good. 

I do have a lot to do in the next few weeks ... 

the baby's sections of each room are still not done (put together) and personally I don't want to do them once he is here ... what a drag. I don't want to do it now, am not gonna want to do it then. 

I have books to read and re-read - have read the Tracy Hogg book and am on Gina Ford this morning ... the sooner I decide what I'm going to bother to take out of those books the better ... they are not exactly fun to read!

I've started on Iain's Handbook for once the baby gets here ... it's meant to include his cookbook too ... plus I have my pregnancy diary and the pregnancy photobook to finish. I did plan to do all these things in this last month .... but even so ... nothing is particularly interesting any more ... am just a bit slow and a living from one sugar reading to another. I do feel that next time (if we are so lucky) I will just get an independent midwife and avoid as much of the hospital help as possible. I really resent the arbitrary, arrogant sugar-level fascism ... I know I decided to use their help in the way I am using it ... and the drama factor is from their side, and I am just living with it .... I suppose I feel I have other things to do rather than fight them ... But really, I know what to do now, for next time. Am collecting data now and I am happy with what I have learned, and don't think I can change their flawed system ... not now, and not by myself. Will leave that battle for now .... All I really care about is the baby. 

34 Weeks + 1 Day Pregnant!

Well on the day I became officially 34 weeks pregnant I was having a good old time at my parents house, being pampered and loved and supported by a whole load of Asian ladies - my parents neighbours, family members, friends, and plenty of my Grandmother's friends. I'm about to join them in motherhood - pretty exciting stuff! 

A few of my cousins and friends were there too. It was a really nice day for me. 

Today, I have recovered from all the excitement. I rested all day yesterday. I have an antenatal appointment to see the Diabetic team, Iain is taking me - my sugar levels have been perfect. Hope they have just good things to say. We also have an antenatal class afterwards. 

Here is what I look like now! Baby is moving about a lot - I gather he is on his way down. 

33 Weeks Pregnant

Well, we've made it this far, all 3 of us! 

7 weeks (more or less) to go. 

Here's what it's like -

I get really tired very easily now. It's surprising, and I suppose it is usual for it to be this way. Of course usual is not inevitable in my book. I don't feel the need to become a victim or 'suffer the most' in pregnancy - my baby needs a fit mother who can help him be born and feed him and care for him, being a drama queen can wait till he is bigger! These things ... and things like indigestion, constipation, nausea, swelling etc etc in pregnancy are only 'normal' in the sense that they are 'usual'. Of course, for some people it really is impossible to avoid some or all of these problems - there are reasons why they get these problems without respite. For most of us though, watching what happens and listening to what the body and the baby is letting us know is fare more helpful. It's better to try and see if the problem is going to shift or not. Wallowing in it is shooting ones self in the foot. 

As far as I can tell, the fatigue is not primarily due to his size and the weight on my front - it is due to the blood flow restrictions, and my energy levels. The blood flow issue - some of it is unavoidable - I do have more blood flowing and less room inside me. Keeping my circulation as good as possible is the only way here - keep taking my baby aspirin, keep doing the exercises, specially the inverted postures, the raised legs and the ankle turns and arm turns, drink plenty of clear fluids. I also have a slight iron problem and the iron tablets make me feel so ill I don't want to do anything ... maybe keep trying, maybe find a better solution. Might just be the NHS tablets that are problematic (some mums say they use alternatives). The final blood flow issue is that if I lie on my back I do get a bit sick and dizzy - the weight of the baby on the arteries and whatnot that people have been banging on about since day 1. I see what they mean, although the actual response my body makes to the pressure is not at all dramatic ... unlike the hysterical 'DON'T LIE ON YOUR BACK EVER EVER EVER' I've been hearing for so long. Chill. 

Staying off my back and staying on my side really helps - it's a HUGE drag, but it is also definitely the answer. 

My Energy levels are effected by the iron and blood problem, of course, but more by my sugar levels. I've managed stellar sugar levels since Tuesday and intend to keep it that way. I appear to have irritated my parents actually, as they wanted to come over today ad bring me lunch, and I had to say I won't eat anything I haven't cooked, but you can bring your lunch and I'll have my lunch and we'll eat together. They won't come - not worth it and they don't have time. That's kind of sad, I was happy that I would have visitors. I hope this does not mean they won't visit me if I won't eat their food ... I am not planning on eating 'outside' food till way after the baby comes .... that's a very long time to not hang out with my parents. They tend to be very busy, I don't see them all the time anyway. Mum's coming over on Monday to help me with the sewing and get my help setting up a website for her Lorretto school reunion next year. 

I am keeping my sugar levels as stable as possible, it's incredibly dull and time consuming, and I am very bored, but it's all I can do for the baby now. 

I think since it is working out simply with diet and Met right now, I don't see my with a bit of exercise too (work those leg muscles) I shouldn't be able to keep them low till he comes. I still have tools in my arsenal I am not even using. 

I've had to change my plan to eliminate all dairy - I am still having Lactofree milk and eating cheese. I can't stop these 2 items as Oat or Rice milks are too high in sugar - it messes up my sugar control right now when I have so much against me. It's sad, as it's a slight risk for the baby's potential milk protein issues ... but he has a far better chance if I keep my sugars down, so we'll stick with the risk of him having milk protein issues. At least my lactose intake is almost zero. 

Same with wheat - I can't leave it out 100% although I have very little wheat in my diet anyway. It's just too hard to keep my sugars down on a restricted diet if I leave wheat out too. I can feel how sluggish it makes me, but I have to make my decisions sensibly, based on all the factors. The high iron content of my high protein, high fibre homemade stoneground wholemeal bread is significant too. 

Treat your body with a little respect, and it tends to do what is right. 

That's my body update, how's life for us right now? - 

Well, Iain is busy working on the car this week - brakes and whatnot, all the things that need to be overhauled slightly before Baby gets here (no one is working on the car then!!). He's got doors and the Narnia Cupboard to sort out in the flat, we need to move the chemicals up to the new chemicals cupboard in the kitchen, and move the bulky inert stuff into the cupboard under the sink. I think the kitchen will be ready then. We need to make sure it is set up so Iain can use it easily - he'll be preparing a lot of my food soon. 

Iain is getting very excited, he has a few doubts, a few jangly nerves, but they are exciting rather than a problem for him. The unknown seems to be - will the baby love him, seeing as he won't be at home all day with the baby ... (of course the baby will! The baby already loves him! How can anyone not adore Iain anyway!!). 

Money and shopping and space in the flat etc ... yes we worry a bit, it's a lot to do, but to be honest, what's the point in stressing? Some things we are going to buy, we just have to buy them - (Mattress protector, shelves from Ikea, nappies and changing mats, carseat).  Some things we need to get from Redgrave, some things need to go to Redgrave - the tables need swapping and sideboard needs to come. It's a hassle, but it will happen. The sofa is here already and we love it. Baby's hammock will be here in a few weeks. I'm keeping our food costs waaaay down. That won't change. I've saved as much as I can (thanks Abba!!) so we should be able to buys all the baby's stuff no problem. The co-sleeping bolster has come, it's great! (the Tres Tria from Better for Babies). All I need to do now is buy a few more fitted sheets from Tescos.

My tasks are more formidable. The health stuff takes up all my time and energy, but that won't do - I need to make our leps - our thin bed coverings, made of layers of cloth sewn together. I also need to get a move on on his Muslins - I have been working on the first one for ages! 

I am perhaps not going to cook loads of food in advance as I really do prefer fresh food. Iain will just have to cook. I still have to construct a recipe selection for him that is quick easy and manageable (and cheap!) - I've been working on the recipes for a year now ... should be ok. 

I'll get all the shopping done by the end of August I think. We'll have done our antenatal classes by then too. The first was on Tuesday last. We have 3 more Tuesdays to go. It was actually a very good class, interesting, and it was reassuring to know that our midwife feels more or less the same way we do about birth and interventions. Repitition is one way of retaining all the info I suppose. 

We also went on Thursday to do a St John's Ambulance Child & Infant Emergency Care & Resuscitation course, which was also excellent, and we now know what to do! It's reassuring. We know in theory what to do now, what to do leading up to the birth, what to expect and how to interpret what happens during the lead up to birth and the actual birth, we know what we want and also what we should look out for after the birth, we've decided how we want things to be ideally if all goes to plan [we actually know quite a significant number of people who have found things DO go to plan ... which means we don't have to get stressed out by the multitude of others who say 'oh it never goes to plan' ...] and we know who to ask for help at every stage if things confuse us, or if we face hurdles. Now we know the basics on taking care of him and his pals when he is here ... and God forbid if we ever need to use our first aid skills, we know how to get help asap now. It's good news. 

We do need to get a lot more hypnobirthing practice in .. time is chugging on. 

Awake at 4 a.m!!

Well I fell asleep at 8 pm in the evening ... Iain had popped out to find our neighbour Chris, to talk about something to do with the flats I guess, when he returned he didn't think I needed waking ... so I missed the last meal today, missed my Met dose, missed rehydrating after a long day in Cambridge and oh my Goodness did I feel rough when I woke up at midnight! I also missed checking my dinner sugar levels. 

Iain was nicely coming to bed ... as if I can sleep through from 8 pm ... to the following day! 

OMG

Well it's not his fault, don't get me wrong - he's not my keeper, and I'm responsible for myself, but I was so tired .. SO, so tired, I fell asleep, and it does seem he has no idea, despite the last 7 months about how seriously I need to regulate my sugars and hydration. The baby exhausts me now. Not all the time, I think I manage very well. But sometimes it's too much. specially if I have spent the day out (all day) - my sugars and insulin tend to suffer. It was a hot day today too. 

So now I can't sleep. Bummer. 

Iain played relaxation stuff for me and did his Marvin voice for the birth affirmations! Made me laugh and helped me relax. I listened for ages even after he fell asleep, but I can't sleep now.

Actually the relaxation and hypnobirthing practice is going very well, and Iain is a big help in this.  

So let me tell you about what I did yesterday in Cambridge:

I was ready ahead of time to get my bus for a change LOL - and the bus took FOREVER to get to Cambridge. Mamma and Abba called in the morning wanting to meet up as they were out and about in Cambridge and wanted to see me before Yoga, in the end just saw them for a minute before going in. They planned to meet me in Nandos after yoga. 

Yoga itself was very good, relaxing, calming and I felt in balance again afterwards. It was a low intensity class really because of the heat, and that is what I needed anyway. Mamma was waiting outside, she met Shima and Emma, which was good. 

Emma has SPD now and I'm worried about her as she doesn't know a lot about it, and I think that is not so good, as I'd rather have help if I get SPD ... Anyway, will ask later. I told her what I knew and asked her to Google the pelvic floor stuff in case it helps. Of course, not having SPD myself, I don't really know. 

Anyway we retrieved Abba who was waiting at Nandos and went to EAT instead as Nandos really does make my gut hurt and it was feeling bad anyway. Actually I wanted to go to Organic 8 but Mamma said Abba doesn't like it (??? when did he eat there?) - what I really needed was a proper meal, but they weren't keen on the place and so I didn't push it. I had yummy Beef teriyaki soup, and a Diet Coke. I thought I'd pop over to Waterstones, look up Gowri Motha's Gentle First Year for advice on avoiding allergies and intolerances in babies (there wasn't much that was relevant - it's a good book though in many ways!) and then get the bus home - get home by 3:30, ish. You know. 

Well I read a LOT at Waterstones, had to miss the bus and then kill time (getting hungrier and hungrier) - went to Borders, got a great book for Iain to read to the baby - Daddy's Lullaby - it brought a tear to my eye its so sweet. Iain loves it, he read it to the bump and the baby moved about when Iain sang the lullaby bit. I wanted him to have a song for the baby too - I sing to the baby all the time, and am sure I will do when he's here. 

I got a few more books - a book on ice lollys, they look like fun! I can make stuff that is acceptable for me to eat, and can make pretty things too, should make up for a lot! I bought the baby This little Baby, and the Baby Signing book (first one) so that we can think about the signs ourselves and see if we can cope! Plus I got the last (or penultimate ... depending on his arrival) Junior Pregnancy and Birth magazine before the baby comes!!

I was looking up the food intolerance and allergy stuff and found out quite a lot. For me, and as far as I can tell to keep Baby safe and avoid what happened to Iain and Dougs ... or a similar reaction, I just need to do a few things, always tying in my own intolerances and nutritional needs, and keeping a balanced nutritious diet in place ... It's a LOT to take into account, and I need to give up dairy for myself (it's really making me ill - I was wrong, that baby did not take away my lactose issues). This has the added benefit of there being no cows milk sugars in my system when the baby gets here. I may continue with some cheese - as long as the baby stays off cows milk/milk not from me for a year or so, he should be able to avoid developing a milk protein allergy. It's unlikely the small amounts of milk protein travelling through my breast milk to him (via cheese) will cause an allergy to develop - if he gets sensitised from elsewhere then that tiny amount can effect him. Same with eggs, tomatoes, wheat - as long as he avoids exposure before he can tolerate the foods, he should be ok. So I just need to be vigilant and give him foods at the right times and watch him, and he should be able to eat everything, or if he can't, we should know. I am happy with that. 

My probiotic tablets and having the cheese I DO eat plus Miso soup should help boost my immunity and food tolerance as well as his. Seems this is far more effective than me cutting stuff out. 

I am planning on cutting out or at least really cutting back on wheat same time as the lactose. I have not noticed wheat helping me at all, and Louise as well as Anushe swear giving it up helped them. Wheat stuff makes my sugars too high for a small amount anyway. No good. 

Can't believe the changes!!

Hi All

Obviously I have been too busy to post much, well, I have been too tired too. It seems ridiculous - literally the MINUTE I hit 30 weeks enormous fatigue set in. Not all day, just often enough to mean I just about get back up before am down again. Last night, following on from yesterday being a slow, miserable, sad day for me (darned hormones, darned sugar levels the day before, darned consequences!!!) I was pretty miserable. Pretty sad. Talking to Iain helped, and realising I DID achieve a lot yesterday even though I didn't leave the house was a good thing. (I shopped, for Baby and Mummy essentials,  sorted out the birthing pool ... I've done my bit now, am hoping the pool will arrive - the stockist in Holland should send it to Tanyapa once she's paid for it, and it should arrive at their place in time for them to bring it over to me. I did the accounts for June/July, and made some rough calculations for the next 7 months - I think we might be ok in the end, I need to stay focused. Maybe if we keep the balance right we can let go of Green Meany [the car] when the baby is about 5-6 months old and move up to a Skyline as planned ... maybe we wont have to and can just do the LPG conversion on Greeny. I'm glad the Skyline will do ... we just need to find one in the right colour which is a good car. I also called the council waste disposal people and asked about the brown bins for food waste and they are sending us one they say. Good. I wonder what will go in our normal bin now if we can recycle everything .... just disposable nappies I guess. And non-recyclable stuff. Plus I did a whole lot of the baby's laundry and it all came out looking brilliant.)

Iain really helped. He gave me a really nice bedtime massage, we put the hypnobirthing music on and he made up stuff to say - hypnobirthey stuff! It was great, he is very good at it, and he did a special voice ... sounds like HAL ... lol!!! I slept well, which makes a change from the night before! 

So I guess my strategy has to be keep the sugar levels down. I got careless on Sunday and suffered for it. My gut is also less tolerant now of many things. the obvious problems are back - I was teetering on nausea, was a gas bucket, and had lactosey-pains over the last day or so. And indigestion is threatening! So being careful is my only option, huh? 

I didn't walk at all yesterday, but did a fair bit of laundry and housework, I was active - just in very small chunks. More activity!!! That's the way. 

There are big changes in the flat too. The bedroom is almost done I guess. The big changes - wardrobe and mirrored cabinet - are in place. Am waiting for the baby's changing table - Richard & Birgit have it (it was Katie's). A lot of things are looking more plausible - the shelves that we're getting for the bedroom walls, the pegs to hang things on - they are all selected, we just have to get the rest of the place ready before we can get the shelves/pegs and put them up.

Should be nice in the end. 

Iain is putting in a new door to the kitchen soon, with glass panels. The baby will be able to see us in the kitchen, and we can see him from the kitchen, if need be. Also more light will be able to be shared between the lounge and kitchen, which will be good. 

The kitchen itself will soon have another cabinet, above the fridge, and I'm going to keep the chemicals there, out of reach. Under the sink can have all the non-toxic but big stuff - supplies! Am glad. Maybe the nappy pail will go there too, am not sure. 

When Iain's Mum gets here in a few weeks, we'll send the table and chairs back to Redgrave and get the sideboard and Grandma Midgley's table. Am hoping Baby's cradle will also have arrived and we would therefore know what's what in our lounge! 

We're ready to get rid of the coffee tables with wheels ... the big old shelves are going to move next to the TV to serve as media/phone shelves + Virgin Media box shelf. There will be room for some books still, so it should be ok. The Ikea shelves will move to the wall that's on the kitchen side, and should take up very little room - leaving space for the baby's stuff. Maybe a toy chest or something. 

Our sofa should come soon too. Am hoping everything will look nice together, and that there will be a huge space in the middle of the room for the birthing pool! 

Iain will strip and varnish the two wooden chairs and probably the 'heirloom' 50p  b/f chair from Mamma & Abba's place [it's just a wooden chair my Grandmother picked up for 50p at a charit shop when my Mum was expecting - we've all been breastfed on it, even Brishti]. The three chairs should look nice in the end when they are done. They are all we'll have apart from the new sofa, possibly the futon, and the bean bag! 

Should be good though. Nice stuff, nice room, nice flat (inside!). 

Right now he is working on the doors in the flat, and once they are all done the place will look transformed, I am sure. The 'Narnia Cupboard' and hall carpeting is next on the list ... and what he has to do is petty simple, so I think we'll manage. Hmmm ... good thing we have very little on in August...  apart from my showers but Iain does not have to do anything in advance for them. He can do DIY stuff! 

I hit 27 weeks shortly

Well, a lot has happened in the past week

The best & worst things, rounding it up today as I await 27 weeks - entry into the last week of the 2nd trimester ... :

POSITIVE - Seems I can keep my sugar levels below the upper limit (5.5 fasting and 6.6 two hours after meals) if I take my Metformin and really restrict my carbs. Of course this means making sure the rest of the meal is balanced and nutritious ... and of course I do know how to achieve this, so it's a positive. NEGATIVE - 3 more months of eating like this ... with not a jam donut or a chocoltae cake in sight ... and the knowledge that my food list will shrink further as the diabetes progresses with the pregnancy ... oh, doesn't bear thinking about. I'm the baby's Mummy, not some angel or prophet ... OMG.

POSITIVE - my photoshoot was so lovely and I wore such nice clothes. I really felt nice. NEGATIVE - not that negative I suppose, or that unexpected - I went shopping after the photoshoot and bought a LOT of stuff. I do this every year before my birthday ... it's my Me Time ... I can take it all back if need be ... lets see how much money I have now that I don't have a lot of food to buy!!! I guess that's another POSITIVE on the food front!

POSITIVE - I feel fit, well and can move about. The exercise is paying off already (an hour a day since I saw David Simmons at Addenbrookes). NEGATIVE - whatever the cause, my gut is not so good. Possibly the huge amounts of lactose I have been having have caught up with me. possibly it's the food I have had at other people's houses/outside. Hidden nasties.

POSITIVE - Baby is moving about nicely. I'm so happy about that, and there are no negatives that I can see in his development - unlike me, he's just right.

Another POSITIVE that has no negative correlative - I've seen family, and friends wuite a bit recently, and that is very nice for me. I'm lookimng forward to my birthday party, baby shower and Goadh bharrai.

Finally, Iain is busy working on the floor of the bedroom as I type ... and our bed should be back in there TONIGHT!!! We've also sold the sofas and the new owner should take it away Monday at the latest ... so we are on our way to having space to prepare for the baby, which is SO GOOD - I need to nest! Of course we'll have to start making concrete decisions on purchases - the wardrobe, the shelves ... Oh that is a big responsibility. And all that DIY has had one NEGATIVE consequence - we haven't practiced our hypnobirthing together in ages (before Le Mans).

Gestational Diabetes is here to stay

Well, I've had a few days to try and get used to the idea, and It has been hard. I have the odd less-than-ideal reading but largely the Metformin is keeping my sugar levels at least at the limit of where I should be, or better. 

Psychologically it is another story. It's not that I know 'too much' or have ridiculous unrealistic fears about diabetes. It's not that I am focusing on the bad things that might happen to my baby, or to me. I've been learning for ages, before the baby was conceived, since the baby started to be, and specially now that the doctors are talking to me about it all. I know my chances - better than many people because I know what I need to do, and I'm getting what help I can. I also understand my risks for this pregnancy, and the risks to our son, and it saddens me, makes me feel reckless and depressed and desperate. Knowing I have 3 months to make as big a difference as possible under the circumstances is a blessing. Knowing I found out as soon as it was possible to diagnose it is also a blessing. However the prospect of living with it and trying to manage it for 3 months is daunting, and depressing, and to be honest I don't WANT to deal with it. I don't want to be strong. I want to be weak, and cry all day, and eat eclairs and dissolve into a messy blob of a woman with sugar coming out of every pore, Seven Brides for Seven Brothers on the DVD player, ice cream by the bowlful, plenty of Frappuccinos (keep 'em coming) for the next 3 months and then somehow have the baby yanked out and presented to me with a 'there, there, see, it's all ok, you didn't have to do anything love'. 

Of course I'm not stupid enough to think that fantasy is anything other than a twisted nightmare. Being a blob now will only mean I will actually turn into a blob, and hang on to the diabetes post-baby. So can't do that ... Pointless. How am I going to raise the baby if I am sicker and sicker for sure? Eclairs aren't really what they used to be (except, perhaps at Betty's, and we don't live in Yorkshire), Tescos eclairs don't really do it for me, nor do M&S eclairs ... so no point trying to eat any. Will accelerate towards the time when I'll need insulin that much sooner if I eat pig out on eclairs, and to be honest, at that price, they really would need to be very good. Don't want to add insult to injury. No reason to wholly abandon self-respect and style just yet ... plenty of time to let all that go when I am covered in baby poo and sick in a few months.... Seven Brides for Seven Brothers has been a pregnancy-long 'craving' - a non-food craving, but a persistent one. Easily remedied. Have ordered it on Play.com. Will be Blessing everyone's Beautiful Hide, Wherever they may be in stereo in no time. If that doesn't cheer me up, really, what will???? Ice cream is trickier ... can't say it's a good idea, even if I do make some myself. Have to give that a miss, even though it is generally reliably yummy. (Unlike eclairs). New dietician's advice allows me plenty of fruit and cereal though - obviously not Sugar Puffs, or Coco Pops, or even my new faves - Dove's Farm's Chocolate Stars ... what I am now allowed is more the Bran Flakes, Shreddies, Weetabix and of course the always-sanctioned Porridge .... HOWEVER that is still a far more extensive range of cereals than I have had access to in the past year, easy and yummy and most desert-like out of all my allowed foods. Can't complain if I can have fruit too. Of course I won't have just cereal in the morning ... will continue to base the meal on protein ... but since smaller means are now what I need to try, and because I need to cut back on the protein and increase the carbohydrate carefully, and spread it out (so I keep producing some insulin if I can, and only eat as much as my insulin levels can accomodate) ... a slice of bread or one Weetabix (no sugar) here and there seems a cheap, easy, stress free, and crucially MEASURABLE way to find out what I can do.

Of course I am sad, wouldn't you be? Of course I am desperately lonely in all this ... no one else is going through this, and everytime someone says 'it will be alright don't worry about it' I just shut down inside - what does that mean anyway? Go eat cake, you can't hurt your baby? Give up now, you've lost already? Bury your head in the sand and it won't happen? Well, obviously cake can hurt MY baby - he'll have to make loads of insulin to process it for me, bless his tiny heart. I can't give up, and ignoring it amounts to giving up. Burying my head in the sand is the worst thing I can do, and it's generations of people who just let it happen that has made it impossible to avoid getting GD ... despite all my hard work. I worked so hard on myself, on my food, my fitness. All for nothing. I couldn't outrun it, what I did was not enough and I couldn't do more. Maybe some mothers could. All I know is I tried, every single day, and I have failed so miserably, so completely. How can I be LESS vigilant now, having already failed? It's no longer a battle to avoid diabetes, I've lost. Now it's a battle to stay of insulin, and it doesn't look like I will win that battle either, so when/if I fail there, I will have to fight the next battle, and the next. I hate it I hate it I hate it, and I hate doing it on my own. Oh I know Iain is here, and I could not do what I have to do without him, but he is alone in his battle to help me. The mundane, desperately boring everyday drudgery of meal after meal, exercise session after exercise session, test after test, appointment after appointment miserable experience of trying to beat something more powerful and more devastating than anything we can do. It's a boring, boring process. The sheer drudgery of preparing yet another cheap, nutritious, perfectly balanced meal out of a short list of foods I can eat as well as afford .... oh my God. It was bad before, now its so much worse - more meals. Ever tried sustaining a food plan like mine ... keeping it palatable, bearable, interesting if possible? I couldn't say it is character building ... I'd say it is soul destroying, in a special way. Of course I am happy that I feel better when i am eating right for my illnesses ... of course I would rather be approximately 'well' on my diet rather than ill with a half-eaten plate of chocolate cake in my paws, washed down with pineapple juice..... But it's a sad, lonely way to live, and incredibly dull to eat ones own cooking so much, even if it IS my cooking, which I dare say could be so much worse. 

Iain is confident we will be successful on some level. I don't really have any reason to believe we will win many of our GD battles, all I believe is that I have to try. 

Baby Boogie!

Am 23 weeks and 5 days pregnant. 

Our baby showed us a new way to communicate last night ... on the way home from visiting Mostyn & Jules, we were listening to music in the car. He started moving about when I sang along. Then a song with a heavy beat on it started and he kicked and kicked! So we tried picking songs that made that kind of deep bass-ey noise with the drum machine, and he kept doing it! 

Iain got quite excited at this point, and when we got home, he switched the car stereo to his Jamoroquai CD ... and the first song he tried ... nothing. Then the second track he tried was a huge success. Baby danced about like his Daddy does at weddings!!! It was so sweet, I was so proud, and Iain was thrilled as he couldn't really feel the low level boogie-ing the baby started off with when the car was running, but once we had the music on loud and the baby liked the song - wahaay!!! 

Of course, we just ASSUME the baby likes the music!!!! lol. 

23 Weeks!

Times really flying by now, isn't it? 

23 weeks all gone, and just 17 to go (in theory). 

I feel well. Sugars feel a bit up and down, largely I suppose because my hormones are a bit OTT at the moment. Baby will probably grow a fair bit soon, according to everything I have read. Good. A few weeks of more-or-less normal, followed by a crazy-time like now is a good thing. Baby needs all the hormones to churn out so he has the support he needs from my body, right? 

Can't say it's pleasant - I am more tired, a bit listless when it comes to anything other than massage, chilling, and yoga!!! Even TV has lost a lot of its charm. 

Right now I love a little bit of chocolate, my greens, risotto made at home, oily massage stuff rubbed all over my bump and limbs, improving my self-hypnosis skills using the Rainbow Relaxation cd and Iain as a prop. I'm exploring ways of using the birthing ball and bean bag to sit comfortably as lying down is getting less and less appealing. In any case, I'll hardly be lying down on my back on the baby's birthing day, will I? Sitting has the added benefit of allowing Iain to do the light touch massage on my back or neck, which I really found comforting and helpful when we practiced the Rainbow together last night.

22.5 Weeks already!

Hmm ... have been slack with the updates

Here's a photo though!

Last night Iain suddenly noticed my bump has changed - apparantly, the whole bump is higher up than before - who knew!!! I thought I was a bit off balance at Yoga .... The baby also kicked like a good 'un all through Heroes last night. Iain had a good time being part of the experience! Normally it's just me, baby and lots of kicks! I think the baby basically slept most of the day as I walked about so much. He woke up when I had settled down for the night!

I had a nice time yesterday as I went in to Cambridge for my Yoga. My mind was still reeling from Wednesday's chat with my supervisor. He wants me to cut right back on the studies and academic commitments as clearly, I can't cope ... I just can't produce the work I want to, pregnancy is too exhausting. I don't really mind, I mean, gestating a baby is pretty big and keeps me well occupied ... not having the stress of deadlines and essays and conferences is a relief ... but of course I am also gutted that I have failed to achieve my goals. I know I set them pre-pregnancy ... but still! It hurts!! 

I am also reeling from the emotional fall out from Tuesday's hospital appointment. I met a Dr Charlotte Patient (Yes!! Dr Patient!!). She's a doctor that Sarah recommended as well, and I am pleased to have met her. We talked about managing my PCOS and potential GD. She understand my concerns and was pretty supportive and helpful for a doctor ... but obviously, as she explained in fact, her priorities are different to mine - obviously we are both after a healthy me and healthy baby at the end of it all, but for her it's all through medicine and monitors, for me it's a bit different. If I need monitoring and medicines, yes I want them - but I don't want what I don't need, and I don't trust them. Have no reason to. I am keeping an open mind, but I can't just leave it all to whoever happens to be on duty when I turn up for my appointments. If I do have GD, I want to know, and I want to manage it as best we can so we can have the sort of birth I want for me and the baby. I also want help staying as well and fit as I can so that I can really be there for the baby after he's here ... and Iain of course, when I'm ready to take care of him again, after I've worked out a thing or two about the baby! Worst nightmare is being ill by the end of the pregnancy, being ill when baby gets here, and ending up with diabetes so soon. I am working on this nightmare being less of a 'nightmare' - I mean, it's not like I can't handle it. What most people can't grasp is that my fear is not that I can't deal with all of it, I fear it because I know I can deal with it, I know what dealing with it to my satisfaction will mean, and I don't want all that extra stuff in my life. I just want some time, some space, even if it is short-lived, of just me and my little family, with no illness, no drugs, to tests. Just a bit of space. 

Anyway, Dr Patient was prepared to try and find me an alternative to the GTT (Glucose Tolerance Test) ... but in the balance I agreed to the 24th week GTT (it'll be on the 10th of June) as I think the impact on the baby will be minimal if anything, and actually it is the quickest way to see how I am doing with the insulin levels. I don't really see how I can pass it ... and I worry that just because my IR will show up, they will label me diabetic. Well, we'll have to see when the results come in. If I am not diabetic, I am certainly not going to let anyone insist that I am! We'll have to see how on the ball these guys are ... again, I am cross about them being so lame about most things ... I'd prefer to be able to trust them. 

If I pass this GTT I will be very pleased, and won't have to see anyone about it all until 29 weeks when I'll have to do another GTT to make sure I can still pass. If I fail and have GD now, we'll move on to monitoring and checking my sugar levels and stay on the Met unless it's not working. If I get GD they will want me to have the baby at the Rosie in the doctors unit (OMG noooooo - the smell alone ... barf). Well, cross that bridge later I guess. For me it all depends on how the baby is doing in the next few months. It's not their baby, and as far as I can tell, they like to manage risks that they can manage within their budgets and with their shiny equipment - not manage risks according to how risky each risk is ... It's the nature of practicing medicine I suppose. Whatever. Not really my problem how my doctors spend their time. 

So I've been attempting to eat for my IR, and doing a lot of walking and yoga. Maybe more swimming is in order ... If I fail this test I want to really fail it, having done what I should, not fail it because I blatantly ate all the pies. I have to say, the walking and yoga is coming along just fine - my food has not been 100%. Again, I am unsure if the extra hunger is because of the baby (good) or because my IR is worsening (bad) - which is another reason I agreed to do the GTT. I wonder if they do that HOMA reading thing too as that would be perhaps more useful than the GTT ... I'll ask. 

We do have a big weekend, as we're off to Mondi's tonight and I dunno what we are eating ... but then one meal won't really make a big dent or cause a huge spike will it, in the grand scheme of things? It's more important I get things 'right' for myself in the week leading up to the 10th. 

Studying is vastly simplified. I am to transcribe the final Robinson manuscript and start getting myself organised for the great withdrawal, so that on my return things will be all in place. I feel good about those tasks. Michael wants me to work on my notes, I'm to start with Woodward's big book and do the notes afresh, and then show them to Michael. Wish we had done that 2 years ago ... 

I have SO much knitting to catch up on!! I even have sewing to do now. Might as well get cracking, as the baby will be here soon. 

Iain felt the Baby Kick!

Last night, Iain felt the baby kick for the first time, twice, which was quite a thrill for all 3 of us I'm sure! 

The kicks are all day, every day, but not very frequent, nor are they strong enough to be uncomfortable. Mostly they are tickly feelings towards the top of the bump, like a feather, or a more deliberate poke, lower down. 

The baby actually started punching a bit harder from yesterday afternoon, after Hypnobirthing class. (Which went great by the way). 

We learned that when I relax and chill out, the baby will move about more ... so that's what I thought I needed to do at the scan, and the midwife wanted me to move about and all ... and actually, I'd have been better off trying it my way. Not that I can relax instantly! 

We learned more about the birthing environment and techniques for relaxation, we have a lot of practicing to do! I totally agree with the things Sarah explains to us, most of it I have believed for a very long time, like the birth is not just for me or something I have to do, it's the baby's birth and it'll be a big day for me, and for Iain, and all 3 of us have a lot going on that day, a lot we need for it to be a really nice outcome. We're pretty happy with what we're doing right now. 

Iain does the Study flooring

Well, Iain has been doing a stellar job with the underfloor heating/flooring in the study-project. All took about a week, doing a bit each evening. 

I can't wait for the bedroom to be done now!!