I do know it's not an exact science, and I did ovulate and implant with some delay - I know that because of the records I kept myself and the very early scans when I had those pains. There is no reason to think all that was for nothing and the baby will come before 40 weeks is up ... his 40 weeks may be the hospital notes' 40 weeks + 5 days!
I doubt they care about my timeline though, I am being treated with as much respect as the system can allow, but that cannot extend to actually accepting what I think I know when it is totally outside whatever it is that is the norm in their world. It's not personal, it's just one reality squidging along next to another.
I do feel squidged though, and cross that I have to listen to such a lot of stuff just so I can get the information and advice that I DO want. Today we will go in to the Rosie and hopefully see Miss Charlotte Patient, the Obstetrician in charge of my case there, and she will, I hear, tell me when my baby needs to come. She'll also plan the birth she would choose for me. I am interested to know more about such a plan. I would rather know, and come to terms with it, and work out how best to do what I need to do. I would like to know her reasons for not just waiting, or just leaving me alone. I would like to know if my baby's scans have revealed anything about his size or weight that is relevant to an early induced birth. I'd also want to know if a sweep would be a good idea now.
I'll be very cross if we are strung along for another week, I am sick of going in there, the games they play with moving goal-posts is insulting. I would rather have honesty. It is unnecessary and very rude. Their protocols don't change, I would rather just know what they think.
So what is 38 weeks like?
Physically I am achey, just in a band around the base of my bump, and my back opposite that space. The bump is heavy and of course my muscles are lax there now. I can feel my hips and pubic bones ache and move about a bit, as they should do. I don't put a lot of strain on these bones, or my tummy muscles - none of the pain is strong, none of it lasts more than a few seconds, it really is nothing compared to what I am used to, pain-wise. It is boring as it is discomfort, but nothing that is giving me a sign that things are happening.
I am still pooing more often than usual - which has been going on for about a month, and I see that as a sign that things are rearranging and contracting within, even though I feel very little of this. I guess my pain threshold is very high.
I can still walk, bend all the way down to pick something off the floor, lift my legs to take off nail-polish, moisturise etc, although I have to take my time in order to avoid injury/loss of balance. I don't always want to do any of these things, but that's another story!
We tried the birthing pool the other night and I want it all the time now - I didn't even realise I had aches and pains ... until I got in!!! They melted away and I loved it. Iain thought I would. Am looking forward to using it.
I ache most at night, and after lying down for a long time, so mornings are not that nice now. It's not terrible - but it's not a nice way to wake up.
Emotionally I am very happy about a number of things -
- Those closest to me have been making a big effort to support and reassure me, and help me enjoy this last stage of pregnancy, which is very much appreciated.
- Iain and I are very much together on what we want and what we need to do for the baby, we are preparing for the birth, and I would not want to do this any other way, so I am glad to have him. Sarah is being immensely supportive, her advice is very good, and she is helping me remember to see every option for what it is, something I am perfectly capable of doing ... but as we all know that is never a guarantee that the person will actually do it!
- I have been thinking about my options carefully and talking to some people, not just Sarah. I've had reassurance from her, from Iain, from Beverley Beech, the AIMS chairman whom I emailed, from the Acupuncturist Vivien, Julie who I did yoga classes with, Chris and Julie (my friend Julie!) and even from Rafi who called the other day - I don't think I'm crazy or being irresponsible or taking unnecessary risks. Neither do they. I have been listening, and trying to really try and hear what these carefully chosen people think ... I don't want to have made up my mind and stick rigidly to an idealised scenario as I don't believe that is useful or appropriate in a birthing situation. I am happy and confident that I am doing my best, and that so far, all appears well.
- Our home is just lovely - sure there are still a few bags and boxes to go down to the garage, and we didn't finish our list of tasks - but the floors are nice, the walls are nice, the Narnia cupboard, even without a door is great - our shoes and my bags are all on the shelves and we have space to put other stuff - wonder what will end up in there ... (I don't want Iain spending 'spare' time on a door! We can hang out instead!!).
- The baby's corner in the lounge, his 'nursery' has a nice feel to it, I think. It's only his cradle, his changing station and the breast-feeding chair my mother used with us 3 .... but I have saved space for Baby's swing, playmat etc for the months to come. I like the space. I hope he will too.
- Even the study looks nice - despite the boxes we have yet to remove, and despite the modifications we have yet to make ... it will be even nicer soon.
Basically, we know how we want it all to look soon, but we also know plans could change once the baby is here - it's his home too and with such a little home, like ours, we are happy to take our time and get it just right.
However there are sadnesses too -
- Pressure from the hospital has been getting me down. The kidney thing is not really something to worry about, and I don't worry or think about it, it is just a scheduled thing to deal with post-birth. One of many things. And I am very happy that I have not been bombarded with pressure and scare-stories regarding all that, the hospital has been open and forthcoming with information and support. The pressure is all about birthing early and making me feel like a bad mother if I want to wait. The pressure is in being there ... week after week ... waiting in their disorganised, badly managed disarray, feeling pressurised, tired, bored and hungry, wondering why on earth anyone would willingly have a baby there. Psychologically it is always a big blow. I don't look forward to it - I am never sure who I will see, what will be said, there is really no reliable pattern, it is all set up to scare, disconcert and coerce. The fact that they try and treat me with respect is appreciated, but I'm not stupid, and can see what it all is ... and where I fit in ... and it's not nice.
- I do feel as if the only doubts and fears in my mind have been pushed on to me by the hospital system - we have taken as many steps as we can to minimise this problem - we went and had a long LONG session with one of the midwives and made a plan for birthing there. I am happy with the plan, I mean, it's still not my plan as such to birth there, but should I get there, I am happy with that plan. I don't like the lack of confidence my Community Midwives are showing. They would clearly prefer it if I was the Rosie's problem .... if I was going there for sure. In an emergency situation I could well end up at the Lister, which would suck because I have never been there. I dunno if they can follow my Rosie Plan. I don't see what else I can do - we have made peace with every possible location, we have made a plan, we are encouraging the baby to come and preparing ourselves as much as we can, we are open to membrane sweeps, even open to induction with all the methods the hospital recommends - it's a sliding scale of less-than-ideal, but I really, really do believe we will know what to do, and just want information and professional recommendations - I can't stand it when the pressure gets piled on as a routine thing - WHY??? They have spent months watching me, and talking to me. I refuse to stand for the crappy pressure - it sets me back so much.
- Other people's sadnesses have always got me down, and there are sadnesses around me, which seep in through my skin. I can't change things for other people, I know that, I don;t even want to any more like I used to. I feel bad for my part in making other people unhappy - and I am sorry to say I have made more than one person's sadness worse recently, wither through my own preoccupation with my baby & the resulting insensitivity to their issues, or because I cannot spend any of my energy on their problems - one situation in particular, I am not sure, but in some ways the people concerned seem to feel I should either be wallowing with them in misery or somehow give them some sunshine so they have some respite - and to be honest, they are in such a pickle, I feel I need to keep my pregnant self and my innocent baby well away ... it's too much, it's beyond me, and I think, actually, beyond any happy resolution. Sadnesses like that are poison, they seep in, congeal around one's heart, lungs, stomach, gut and womb - and I have to stay well, have to be okay, I have so much to do, to keep the baby safe now, and to help him thrive when he comes out.
Physically there have been highs recently -
- My sugar levels have been phenomenally good, and so easy to manage - this is a sure sign - telling me what I need to do - trust my body, all will be well with my numbers on B-Day. They have confused me a little as Simmonds was warning me about them RISING at this last stage, not going down. I have been eating food with sugar in during my meals as part of my meals - including sugary fruit, chocolate and biscuits. Not huge amounts, but certainly normal servings, and my numbers are great even after 1.5 hours. This is not usual for someone who is meant to be such a freak.
- The baby moves about every day, all day. He stretches out his leg, he turns his back/butt about once in a while, I got a few sharper kicks outward (unusual) when I had Reflexology yesterday - it was definitely making contractions happen, which must have thrown the baby! The day before that I had Acupuncture, just a short session to hopefully get things started, and he did respond to that too, moving about a lot more, and then turning himself this way and that (moving down maybe?) over the later part of the evening. Well, am still not in labour, so lets see.
The downsides have been hardly any practice contractions ... that I can feel, so I dunno how things are going as such, not that Braxton Hicks' tell you when your baby is coming ... so on the one hand who cares, on the other hand, I have nothing to focus on as such, and monitor and try and speed up or whatever - I dunno, I guess it's not like it would be a comfort or a help if I WERE having lots of contractions ...
I have been focusing on breathing, on visualisation, and trying to stay stress-free, at least as often as I can be. I know it is simple, and the best thing to do, it's more powerful and proactive than all the other things I could do - such as sew, tidy and do laundry like a mad thing, cook and cook and freeze and freeze, socialise and stuff. I am not doing much of anything other than staying close to where I want to start my birthing, taking care of my body and my spirits as best as I can, trying to counter the sadness and frustration, the stress of the situation - it should not be that way, and people are wrong to pile on the pressure. I am strong, I know I am, never more than now, but I don't know the limits of my strength, or the strength of my failings/weaknesses, so who knows how things will work out?
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