GTT results

Well after a lovely aqua yoga class I hung out a bit and had some food with some of the other ladies and Amanda the teacher. Turns out she has an atrial fibrillation and has to have a cardio version, like asap. She's stressed and depressed about it, poor love, I'm sure she'll be ok though, I hope so anyway. She is amazing and has already taught me so much in just a few weeks. 

I need to send her the phone number for the pool in Royston .... she wants to set up a class for teaching babies to swim there. Yayy! 

Anyway, after that, went to hang out with Mum, and we had a nice browse through the wools and stuff for the baby at John Lewis. I called the hopsital before seeing Mum and got my GTT results. I didn't pass the test - Bummer. 

I spoke to Kerry, the midwife who specialises in diabetes, and she had the glucose results to give me, not the insulin results. My fasting glucose level was 5.7, one hour after the drink it was 10.8, and 2 hours later it went down to 8.1. The NHS like my levels to be below 7.9 ... so my their reckoning I am diabetic at the moment. [to get my numbers in 'American' ... ie if you're one of my American pals checking my numbers and bewildered by the single digits .... these numbers are how we measure them in the UK, it's a different unit - multiply by 18 to get the corresponding result in the US, so my fasting was about 102, my + 1hr was about 194, and my + 2 hrs was about 146. Not good, eh?]

I was a bit upset, even though I did expect to get this result. I wasn't, like, "it's all over" - but I am well aware both of how lucky I am I know what's happening and know what t do, but also of how serious it can be .. how serious the consequences can be. I am wary of the hospital, and what they will try and scare me with ... like I said, they 'need' to manage the risks they think they can do something about ... doesn't mean they are actually able to make my life any better or the baby's life any safer. I need my wits about me, and my will power and strength and need to do the best for my baby. I do get a lot of blank faces, or exasperated disbelief from people ... most people don't seem to get my attitude. I'm aware and proactive and it reads as me being negative or scared or worked up over nothing to a lot of people. Says more about them than about me I think ... Of course I have fears - my own problems are causing problems that my poor baby has to deal with. I'm not broken by them though. Although I am sad. I didn't want this to happen. 

Burying my head in the sand or crying all day won't help though. What will help if I find a way to keep eating carefully despite the extra train ... I AM more insulin resistant now that I am diabetic - I can feel it and I want to eat things I shouldn't. It's hard, diet control is not quite enough now, and who knows if the Met will still be enough in a few weeks. I don't see how added insulin would help if I can't use my own insulin ... so am unsure what I can do other than become as insulin-sensitive as possible (lots of drugs, exercise and the right food) - and I know it will be hell, not just because of the extra cravings, but because everyone around me (apart from Iain) buys into the 'you're pregnant, eat all the pies, go on, indulge yourself, you deserve cake' model of pregnancy. Hmmmm ... I wonder if that works out well for any mother, but I can't think about that right now. I can only deal with my pregnancy and my baby's chances.  

I really am not looking forward to having to eat even more carefully. People are kind, and praise me for my efforts, saying I am doing far more than other people. It's really important to have that encouragement, as it is ghastly to have to deal with the food issue now .... pregnancy is tiring and demanding anyway ... I do really thrive on that sort of support, but I know it's not on a scale (the eating), and just because other Mum's may be only on crackers and cookies (poor things), that doesn't make the repercussions of any mistakes I make any less problematic for my little one. 

I know even if I somehow manage to do it all perfectly (which is impossible) - the risks will still be there, reduced perhaps, but still there. That is a depressing thought. On the one hand I have  a great plan, the best support from Iain, plenty of other support from the people and medical staff around me (differing levels of support, but they all mean to help, which is a lot). On the other hand, it's all a bit hit and miss however far I take it ....