Anyway, Michael was touchingly excited about the baby, and of being pregnant vicariously through me once in a while ('It's not likely to happen to me after all!' - sweetheart, isn't he?), I am very grateful for the support. As ever, he had a brilliant plan that works well for me. He is taking into account the possibility that I won't want to go back to finish after the baby comes - it happens. He's also wondering how we can make the most of the time we have and my projected physical abilities over the next few months. So instead of writing the early chapters now, I'm to work on Robinson right away, which I am very excited about. Iain and I will go to Carlisle, maybe in April, and I'll uncover it all!! The other priority is the conference paper at Oxford and hopefully the IHR student conference. Stake my claim as it were. He said even if I don't finish in the end, if I do the work on Robinson now, we could salvage a paper when I come back after my 'leave' at least. A good way back in if I am unsure. Of course I could come back in all guns blazing, who knows. This way, we have everything open to us.
So that was good, except when I came home, and later that night I started to feel sad, I know that kind of sadness, it is letting go of things, a necessary part of going through something this big, and the fact that I know what I am doing, and that I am organising my options is making me more sad, as I don't have the distraction of worry. I know what is important to me right now, I know what my ideal plans are over the next few months, from writing, to cooking, to exercising, ante-natal classes etc etc, I know what I want to ask my parents to do to help me, I know the parties I want and when, the major things I want to buy - I know the baby is still hardly a baby, and it is too early for any certainty, but I am not worried, as I am doing all I want to and feel I need to. It is just a lot of waiting now, and patiently doing every boring thing I think I should do. The sadness is unsurprising and I hope it passes soon. At least it is not a feeling of ill will, or a feeling something is wrong. Mostly I feel all is well. I am still unsure how hard a hit my body will take with the high levels of hormones, I worry about that, but only as an unknown - I had a scare today which made me realise that is the danger of dodgy symptoms - I can disrupt my calm and focus if I have too many scary days.
The scary part started about lunchtime, pains in the left side. At first I was not worried, had I lain a bit carelessly, stayed abed too long etc. Got up, walked about, cooked a bit. It was getting worse. Tried to stretch a bit, gently. Was in tears by the time Iain got home for lunch. Had some help from him in the kitchen and ate a bit of protein when he left, but the pain just gor owrse and worse and the paracetamol did nothing. So I called Anabel the midwife, she was kind, and listened to me and was honest and said probably not a bad sign because no spotting or bleeding, but as the pain was so bad, could be ectopic or a miscarriage, although it was unlikely that I'd have ectopic pregnancy pain yet. She told me to call my GP and ask that they call the hospital as I should have a scan.
Roysia surgery took good care of me, Dr Seymour stayed on to see me, and I called Iain and he came to get me and took me to her. By then the pain was seriously bad. It was left side, starting a couple of inches above the pubic bone maybe, snaking up a few inches, and going through the back too, the back pain a bit like kidney pain, the front pain a bit more crampy like something to do with womeny-stuff. Very confusing as it was spreading then concentrating, and I couldn't move easily, it hurt so much.
Dr Seymour talked to me, and examined me, and she made me feel better because, as usual she treated me like a real person, with sense, not like a nutcase like some doctors do. She had a good old root around and the good news immediately was that my uterus and ovaries and whatnot didn't seem to be causing me pain. That's not a guarantee that all is well with Lambykins, but a darned good sign!
She called the hospital and spoke to them, they wanted to see me right away so off we went. She offered me an ambulance which was less than reassuring ... needless to say we drove.
Listened to Greenday and Plain White Ts and Crowded House on the way if anyone is interested! If we have a daughter I'll name her Delilah. (LOL!!!)
Anyway, we got to the Daphne Ward at the Rosie Hospital (it's part of Addenbrookes) in good time. We couldn't work out the short cut but WE KNOW IT NOW!!! No more 10 mile trudge for me..... The place was kinda empty and it did take a while for the Dr to see me, but we were ok, they were nice enough. The Dr, Steven, turned out to be a PhD student from Kings learning to be a Gynaecologist at Addenbrookes ... well, hmmpph, am not inspired with a lot of confidence, he didn't know about IR or PCOS etc so they clearly don't teach Drs about us yet, I knew that, but I don't think it will change any time soon either, and basically I am on my own in that hospital. Hope I don't have to fight for anything, it is too hard to do lightly and so draining. He was a good doctor though, trying his best, not as underconfident as he might have been. He managed to get blood out of me! I get my Beta HCG (sp?) results tomorrow when I go for an ultrasound at 11:00.
I think it could be my gut, could even be a cyst, none of which need bother the bub. I just need to sleep so I can wake up tomorrow, ready to see the baby on the screen! Well, a dot perhaps. I hope all is well.
Sleep well Me, and do your thing small one - hope we are still together tomorrow, and that you have made your way to a safe place for the both of us. xx
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