Second Trimester begins

So I'm 14 weeks now, and here's how I look. 

Kinda pale a lot of the time, I have long hair now, and a tummy that shows I'm having a baby someday soon ... but it's not a great bump yet. 

I spent ages this morning trying to see just how big this tummy is! I am really not sure .....

Any bump is reasonably reassuring right now, to be honest. 

The paranoia hasn't totally gone, but now that I feel a bit less ill and have got over the kidney infection, I am at least not shrouded in misery and darkness. 

Onwards & upwards!!

Knitting little shoes

Today I decided to try and knit some cute little slip ons for Lambykins. 

It wasn't THAT simple, but most of the stitches were ones I had used before ... I'm not a very experienced knitter ... My first go resulted in me misunderstanding the instructions, second attempt was better, as you'll see by the picture the knitting is vaguely the right sort of shape ... 

I have not exactly managed to keep the knitting in moss stitch, there are stripes and patches of ribbing. Oh dear. 

I really hope it's a mother's love that counts, not my knitting skills .... and I really hope more experienced knitters don't go out of their way to make me feel bad that I messed up. They are only bootees for God's sake! The baby won't even care and will probably pull them off anyway..... 

I do feel like I'm doing something for Lambykins when I knit though. It's a good thing. Dunno how much we'll use the stuff I am making, but I will make them as nice as I can. 

UPDATE - err ... sad update this one, the bootees were HUGE, like a 4 year old would get his foot in them! (But why would a big kid wear bootees ...) So I am dismantling them. Dunno if I have the nerve to try again. Stick to blankets and jumpers methinks. 

So here's my tummy again - surprise!

Here we are at 13 weeks and 3 days, getting pretty close to the end of this arbitrarily segregated 'trimester', will be glad to see the back of it .... specially if the morning sickness DOES actually go, as per various smug peoples' claims....  Also, if my body actually takes on some sort of more-interesting form, that would also be good as it's pretty boring just being a bit ill (even quite a bit ill) and a bit pudgy .... Some sort of visible manifestation of the Midglet would be nice, it's been so long since we were trying so hard to conceive, that I'm losing touch with what is growing inside me. It was easier to maintain the connection to the little clump of cells I was so painfully aware of, focusing so strongly on. Well, Lambykins is much more than  a bunch of cells now, s/he is flesh and bone, plenty of muscles, sinew, nerves, blood, guts - everything, just in tiny dolls-house proportions. I of course am NOT a dolls-house, so I am unsure how to connect to Lambykins this week, I know s/he is there and moving about, but I can't reach him/her. It's still over a month before the baby can hear me I believe. 

I'm really pleased that the kidney infection has gone. I am ready to do stuff now, wonder what I'll do .... I have SUCH a long list of things that need to be done. 

Perhaps the market first. 

And I only ever get Kidney infections of Bank Holidays

So we look a bit rough right now, and the DIY is just not happening .... 

but at least my tummy's growing! 

Iain has a cold (surprise!!!) and I have just had a horrid kidney infection. Majorly sucks. I've felt like there's nothing left and I'm dying, it really is horrible, and my gut is shot to pieces. I won't even have one once the baby gets here at this rate. 

I have so much to be cross about, but will leave the whining for now. Am still weak and tired, although the antibiotics have been doing their work, and I checked my sugar today 2 hours after lunch (tinned Heinz vegetable soup .. urrrgghhh) and my sugar was only 4.8!!! So the Met is clearly still working. What more can I ask for I suppose, under the circumstances.

The Ferraris were disgusting at the Grand Prix, Kimis for doing well, Massas for bizarrely stopping. Am very cross the Mclarens were crappy. Nothing has really been pleasant at all this weekend. 

The Hypnobirthing Coffee Morning, and Yoga in Royston

Iain and I shared a new experience today. We went to Saffron Walden to Sarah's house - she's the lady who is to be our Doula when the baby comes, she's also the lady running our Hypnobirthing course in April/May. It was great. 

I was really impressed. There were half a dozen other mums who showed up, with lovely babies and toddlers. They were all well, no one had a cold, everyone was well behaved, even the troublesome one - he was pretty good too! He wanted to get into everything and be the dominant kid, but really, he listened to his mum, and he was put in his place by the two little girls so all was well with no hassle. Everyone there had had a home birth with a birthing pool for at least the second child, and they had all found the hypnobirthing tools very useful. Most of them laboured for 2 hours, the babies came out fast - 5-15 minutes. Nobody had any problems and everyone was in bed, tucked in with husband & new baby a few hours after the birth, ready to sleep! 

Iain was quite impressed and is thinking of ways to accomodate a birthing pool in the flat. It's not impossible by any means. I am not sure what the costs are yet. We have planned now to check out the midwife unit at Addenbrookes asap and see their consultant led unit too, see what we have ahead if things get too complicated for a home birth. I'd rather know. We can get my midwife to give us the lowdown on home birth at my next appointment in another month. Or perhaps I'll ask her sooner on the phone. It all depends on how things go by 20 weeks I think. I have 2 months to see how well I cope with the baby's placenta messing with my insulin levels. 

I went to the antenatal yoga class this evening at the Royston Complimentary Health Centre (same place as we'll go for hypnobirthing classes), and though there was only me, the instructor and one other lady (38 weeks pregnant) there, it was a good class. They need to publicise more .... The other lady was doing all the poses, even the downward dog with her huge belly, and she looked great in general. I want to be that agile at 38 weeks! 

I found my postures easier than usual to do. It was good to have the instructor Lynn there watching me, and I guess my muscles are relaxing now. Next class is in 2 weeks, after Easter you see, and that is perfect. I can really get into the yoga and swimming around then - from April onwards. I'll be as safe then as anyone can be in a pregnancy. Till about week 30 Lynn said, although we'll see. If all goes well, the yoga and swimming could help me be fit enough and balanced enough to carry on for the last 10 weeks too. 

Whatever I do now will help me and Lambykins, and the midwife and hospital will have plenty of opportunity to spot any problems that might come up - where the placenta is, how big the baby is getting, whether my GD has developed etc etc. 

At Sarah's, at some point, she brought out the baby carriers and slings, and was showing a few ladies a few slings they were planning on buying. I had a good look. It was interesting. I have been researching these slings for a long time and talking to mums who have been using them for a long time was great. Iain was interested too and we think we'll be getting the Close one. We both liked it and it appeared to be the favourite there. Easy on the back and we both thought we'd wear it. I'd like a pouch too .... and when the baby becomes a toddler, a carrier that goes on the back somehow. I am not keen on carrying the bigger Lambykins on my hip for extended periods. Nor do I want to HAVE to stop carrying him/her. Well, I'll have a good year and more with the Close and the pouch before I have to change to one for a bigger baby. We'll see. We'll know more in a coup,e of weeks, on the 5th we are attending a workshop of Sarah's about baby calming and attachment parenting and there'll be loads of hands on stuff with the baby slings. 

Monday is Scan Day, and I'm starting to trust the hospital a bit more ...

We went in to Addenbrookes, to the Rosie really to have the 12 week scan in 17th March. I was 12 weeks 1 day pregnant, on the second day of week 13. My heart was in my mouth pretty much the whole way there. How awful would it be if it was bad news? Iain was excited mainly - he was going to see the baby again! 

Well we got there and saw old misery-guts Beatrize, who did our first ever scan, she was walking about doing her thing with her mouth turned down so far we had to try hard not to laugh out loud. [Why live like that???] 

Everyone we came in contact with all morning at the hospital were very nice, polite, respectful and considerate. Can it be that I'll actually be ok there???? 

Well, I'm not sure yet, but it bodes well so far. 

The scan happened as scheduled, 8:30 am. The baby was kicking and bucking about from the neck down, the head was mainly floating from side to side, s/he had one hand up towards his/her mouth/nose, very very sweet. Just chillin, boogying along. I now like to dance like the baby all the time. Iain laughs. 

The scanning equipment is possibly a bit rubbish as the shape of the baby was still fairly badly defined, and so the baby did look a bit like Slimer from Ghostbusters in shape, at first. The clearer picture revealed him/her to look more like Caspar the Friendly Ghost. The photo (above) shows the baby's TEETH!!! My first thoughts were OMG we have a baby Dracula!!! I am Baby Dracula's mummy!!!! Nooooooo!!!!!! 

So then we talked to the midwife about me taking part in the research study they are running at the hospital (they will take blood samples from me, and scan me a few extra times, whoopeee!! - 28 weeks and 36 weeks. That is in addition to my 20 week scan and any other scans the hospital deems necessary for me over the next few months.) So I went and gave my first blood sample too - that was fun! The first chubby cherub nurse failed to get anything out of me, I think she was too scared. Then in came nurse Mario, and he went right in there and got all the blood they needed. It was not fun, of course, but it was not too bad. At least I had Iain with me. 

I also spoke to the Midwife about my IR/GD concerns and she said she'd put me in touch with the midwife who specialises in dabetes, which she did. I had a call from Kerry and we talked. I'm not sure I will like all the 'help' they can offer me, but lets see.

So then off we went to pop in and see NK and Nani and see Boro Phuppu again. NK was suitably complimentary about our little baby, but Nani thought the baby looked like a monkey (who SAYS that?????) and Boro Phuppu thought the baby reminded her of Monu the cat (ok, her sister's beloved cat, but honestly - who SAYS that????) 

I hope Abba (or anyone else) doesn't compound the rudeness by acting like saying Lambykins looks like some sort of jungle or household animal is a funny/nice/appropriate thing. It is very rude, and I don't appreciate that sort of behaviour. 

Ok, so the baby is a foetus, and therefore looks odd - the scan picture is not entirely flattering, how can it be - at 12 weeks 1 day (yep, the baby and I are in sync) s/he is only just formed. People being rude about the baby doesn't spoil how cool the baby is for me. Nor does it make me think the baby is actually a monkey/cat/whatever. However it DOES make certain things about the people making such remarks very clear.  

Way to come to the end of a trimester ....!

So after weeks of vague inactivity, this weekend has been a real mixed bag of activity - all of them pleasurable, I haste to add. Very nice! 

Friday I actually made my way in to London in the morning as I had planned - didn't get sidetracked! OK I messed up setting the breadmaker and Iain had lousy sandwiches, and in the end Chris couldn't meet me in time for dinner so I ate my take-out from Wasabi on my own and brought most of it home for Iain ... BUT, all that aside, I made it in to London pretty easily, decided to go to Birkbeck and look up the Reformation and also Scott Mandelbrote's paper on Newton & Thomas Burnet (I did both) and I thought I would plan and write a bit for the summer papers - I did some planning, but no real writing, but hey, it's a start! The summer papers sound great to me! I really need to get some work done. 

Friday night was the Early Modern Society film night and we watched Luther (Joseph Fiennes in it ... looking great despite the haircut ... and NOT looking like Luther at all, ever - he never gets fat ......) It was a very enjoyable film though, pretty to look at and funny. I enjoyed it, and had Chris for company, hadn't seen him in a while. 

When I got home Iain's wall-conversion project was already well underway which was very reassuring. 

Saturday we watched the Australian Formula 1 Grand Prix qualifying from about 6:30 am - we taped it in the early hours when it was live ... It was exciting and eventful. This should be a good season. Then Iain drove me to Cheshunt, I visited Tanyapa who was at a posh school there chaperoning and supporting 3 kids as part of the Model United Nations stuff she does. It was SO nice to see her and hang out all day. Brilliant. She was so excited about Lambykins, and had plenty of interesting things to say. We hung out and chatted, and though the school lunch was dire, when we went back to her hotel, we had a nice snack of chips and a cheese platter - the kitchen found cheese I can eat. It was all good. Iain joined us before too long, and then we went on to Jo & Jay's house for Jo's 30th Birthday party. It was a really nice night, lots of JM people, it was so much fun to have people to talk to face to face, having been alone most of the time fir so long. Becca and Tara were there, and Jo and Jay had made a huge effort to ensure I could eat almost everything there which was so considerate of them, I was very touched. I felt sooooo sick in the car, but was ok on solid ground! 

Today, Sunday, we git up a bit later, watched the Grand Prix that we'd taped overnight, it was a good race, and I got a lot of rest this afternoon - I was extremely tired after the two long days I'd had. Mamma and Abba came over with Boro Phuppu who arrived today, they brought bhuna gosht (yess!!!) and rice and dhaal and stuff. Very nice meal. Phuppu says she's going to cook while she's here! Brilliant!!! 

Abba also brought me the diabetes tester thing, so I can get going whenever I want .... 

I have managed, once again to set the breadmaker wrongly ... darn. I hope the bread that just came out of the machine is ok, at least edible. 

Well, tomorrow we go for our scan bright and early! I hope hope hope hope Lambykins is ok!!!

Iain starts the DIY

So now the bedroom's a bit of a bombsite .... but the good news is making the new wall should be quite straightforward. Raah!!

Iain's now watching that awful Sarah Connor Chronicles (bless him!)

Almost 12 weeks DONE.

Well, here's a WHOLE LOT of me on show!!! Can you see the bit where the top bit of my tummy sticks up now??? Well, it's like, firm too - F R E A K Y. 

Well, I finally felt well today, after a long few days of feeling SOOOOOO illl. 

What did I do with my new happy reduced-morning-sickness situation (I still felt a bit sick after 3 pm.... but it was not too bad) - I knitted some, I ate my protein with  a smile, I exercised after lunch and walked to the bridge outside Royston Station and met Iain after work and walked home with him even though it was raining slightly (wore a big coat, scarf, hood, Uggs and had an umbrella!!! Lambykins and I were well safe. Iain reckons I walked 2 miles). 

Ok, I didn't really cook anything sophisticated or do a very good job emptying the wardrobe for Iain - all the clothes, shoes and hats are out, BUT ... they are not sorted and packed away yet. Urghhh. Big task ahead.  Iain has started taking the old wardrobe apart and hopefully will make the new wall over this weekend. 

I also had a thought about my GD fears and talked to Abba about borrowing a diabetes monitor. He'll let me have his spare on Sunday (Abba, Mamma and Boro Phuppu are popping over on Sunday night now with bhuna gosht YESSSSS). I feel I really can't trust the 'specialists' at Addenbrookes - they don't even know about IR as far as I can tell ... the best I can do under the circumstances is see how far I can keep the GD at bay by monitoring my sugar, adjusting my food and hopefully getting the extra motivation to exercise a LOT more. The Yoga class will help I think ... I can go to the one on Tuesday evening as my scan will already be done (Monday).  If I still can't make it work maybe Whitcroft can help me ....  

I read this paper today on GD and PCOS ladies, and the good news is the link that both the PCOS and the non-PCOS groups in the study who got GD had was family history of diabetes, being overweight before the BFP, and gaining lots of weight during pregnancy. That was what they had in common, and the number of people who got GD were about the same in both groups, percentage wise. The PCOS ladies had more insulin tolerance issues - most of them had SOME, but this was not GD level trouble. It sucks that actually I DO have a very strong family history of Diabetes, and my BMI was higher than 25 before my BFP .... (26.7 or so I think....). So what counts in my favour is how much I improved my situation before the BFP, and what I am doing now to stop it getting worse. 

Am still scared, but a more productive adrenalin-happy fear. 

Walking and exercising and stuff was good, I liked being able to do that today. The high protein breakfasts are helping. Tomorrow I am in London and won't be able to count my carbs exactly, and am out with Tanyapa at this school nearby she will be at for a flying visit (Model United Nations?) and we'll be at Jo & Jay's place for Jo's birthday party, and then Sunday night we'll have curry and stuff .... so no counting ........ but I WILL watch my carbs and eat as much protein as possible, and stick to my 3 meals. When I check my sugars from Monday, I'll see how well I'm doing by eye .... 

I can then move on to counting the carbs like I'm meant to and see if that's better. 

Yeah, we have a plan! 

The most exciting news of the day though, is Anushe has had her son! Yaaay. I believe it must have been yesterday that he was born. I am sure all is well, haven't spoken to anyone. Am so pleased for them all. Well done Anushe & Jake! 

My First Trimester Yoga

I have to say, I've been too much of a scaredy cat to really step up the activity level yet ... poor Lambykins needs to be safe .... for that I need to not do too much stuff and on the other hand I need to stay active. Oh Man!!! What a bind. 

I have been doing some - have a good laugh!! I think it's kinda funny playing around with my feet on the wall!! In a few more weeks I can go to the class in Royston, as I'll be past the worry mark (oh, so arbitrary .....). I've been thinking about getting one of those big balls to balance on. Pregnancy is a very achey business ......... 

Iain doing his Daddy Business....

Iain's not featured greatly on this blog so far, but he's not exactly been absent from the pregnancy! 

He's very busy readying our home for Lambykins. Here he is choosing flooring for the bedroom and spare room. 

He should be done with the rooms by the time we shoot off to Carlisle at the end of April. Can't wait for his flooring project to be completed, and for my research in Carlisle to begin!

So what's with the tummy??

Now these pictures are from 8 weeks, 9 weeks, and the most recent one - today (11 + weeks). I can see no discernable pattern here. If it stayed static as a tummy, with little change I'd understand. If my tummy bloated up a bit after eating and then went back to a normalised position after, I'd understand. Absolutely random pudge I cannot understand!!! 

I know, I know 'welcome to the world of pregnancy' [I can hear your smug cries clearly you know-it-alls] - what kind of a half-arsed answer is that, anyway? Any other ideas?? 

The baby and my womb should be too small as yet to cause anything to show, so what's with the tummy? I'm not even the same amount of tubby every week ... if I were, that would account for it - I am just a bit tubby, the tummy is my tubb, end of story. 

Even the fact that my womb is aligned funny shouldn't make my tummy odd... What a freakshow .... Obviously I am bored enough to wonder THIS MUCH about my tummy ..............

Whoa I really feel sick ... but I had lunch with friends on Sunday before I really crashed and burned!!!

Image: (L-R) Waqar (his wife's having a little 'un a couple of months before we have Lambykins!!!), Iain, Dan, Emily, Richard, Leucha, James, me. We're at the Crown in Islington. Very nice it was too. 

SO the nausea isn't easing ... it's worse.

Partly, of course, it's the baby, and added to that I have been less than exemplary with my food choices. (Ate properly at the lunch, it was dessert when Leucha & James came over ... I am such a greedy fool).

So in a way I berate myself for doing this to myself, and on the other hand understand completely that I am under such a lot of pressure (from myself, from the dietician, from all the advice from doctors, books, other people ...) that I was quite likely to get to this low. Still, understanding what's happening to me if not going to take it all away. Action is required, and so far this morning I have only just managed to take my Metformin ... I know I scheduled eggs for this morning ... which means I have to get up and prepare them shortly. Urgh. 

I think as long as I don't take care of myself, I will be unhappy. I also think I know how to feel well, and I am not strong enough to be ill all the time ... so I need to try and be well. It will be easier than this awful feeling of miserable sickness. 

Had a nice time with Leucha and James (they visited this weekend) and we all have a nice lunch in London [See PICTURE]. Iain and I went on to overdo it and go to Selfridges to buy the Venezuelan Black chocolate for Iain to cook with. Am looking forward to that! We were both very dehydrated and feeling rough by the time we got home.

I had lactase tablets + lactose products over the weekend with interesting results. It appears the tablets if taken a half hour in advance of the food do work. I have had little hydrogen being generated, and no bloating to the extreme. I suspect some of my nausea now is lactose-related. 

It's good that it's not TOO BAD (not too bad??? WHAT??? I feel sick as a pig.)

An update

Hi All

(Pictures above - me knitting a jumper for the baby, and me wondering if I have a bump coming soon ... on our way out to see Mamma & Abba) 

I haven't posted for a bit. Mostly there is not a lot to report. I feel really ill almost all the time, it's jolly unpleasant, takes all the fun out of pregnancy. It's not very easy to have positive, life affirming thoughts when I feel like death. The baby appears to be sucking my entire spirit away - I'm sure not intentionally, it is just how it is. 

So since I can't really do anything I want to do, and as I don't want to do much, I've been focusing on not being destructive: I've been eating properly, my treats are largely a serving of green mangoes or boroi (they are a bit like olives from Bangladesh) or tamarind - Mamma & Abba have been sourcing these things for me. I'm still on protein + good carbs (or not too damaging carbs) - depending on how much energy I have to prepare my meal, am managing to remember my Met, my prenatal vitamin, my gut medicine and aspirin, keep forgetting to take the calcium tablets though. Mainly I suppose because a large proportion of my protein is cheese or yoghurt supplementing the cheese nowadays - at least one meal tends to have cheese. Iain is helping a great deal with dinner, but by then I feel so rubbish I don't always want a meal. It's frustrating. 

Aside from food, other things I am doing is ordering food online, looks like Ocado and Goodness Direct can deal with everything we need, with Iain picking up stuff like milk and OJ if needed from Tescos, as long as I go to the market as I can't get the veg and fruit I want online. Not to my satisfaction, or at a price I am ok with. 

I've read about Elimination Communication, Attachment Parenting and Ina May's Guide to Childbirth, and now I know what's what, in theory, so I have it stored in my mind for decision-making time, I know because of how things have progressed for other ladies on Soul Cysters that even best laid plans can turn upside down, so I'm making an effort to learn about the conventional hospital procedures too, just in case I am overuled in the end. Iain is keener on a home birth now, so we'll find out more and see. I don't know, it's all so far away, so much depends on my health closer to the time. If I get GD things can all change, if there are any other complications like the baby's position, or how the placenta forms or places itself, even more fun - I wouldn't care if I believed in the hospital's ability to care for me, but there is no reason to trust them in any way so far, and whatever happens in September/October - it won't just be me involved, Lambykins will be going through it too, it's his/her birth after all, and I can't promise the baby anything. Better get used to that feeling and find a way to turn around what it means - the world teaches you to doubt yourself and your efforts. There is not much more I can do, OK I could eat even better and do my yoga every day already (not sure that's safe so I don't, plus I am lazy) - so why should I feel like Bad Mummy already? But I do, of course I do, and I only have a few months to turn that around, and then of course the rest of our lives to keep it up ... don't want to turn into someone I'm not, someone who stamps herself down. Someone like that has so little to offer anyone. 

What else have I done? Oh yeah, I've begun knitting blankets. They are not hard to do, and I'm hoping I'll feel happier having made something at least. 

My body is changing, getting bigger round the middle, but only Iain and I can see it - went to Cherry Hinton the other night and Mamma and Nani saw no change at all, Nani of course said I was always fat, great! Nice one! Way to make the pregnant lady feel better. 

Actually, it's not pleasant to suddenly have a wierd looking tummy - it's not like it looks like a proper pregnant belly, looks more like something untoward is going on .... disconcerting. 

So within the gloom and paranoia that is my life right now - I can't even think about the baby, there are still 11 days till the scan, who knows if the baby is ok or not ... most of life has no sparkle, but good things have happened too - Ema found me on FaceBook, which was wonderful, I've been looking for her for 10 years. She even called me and we talked for an hour, it was wonderful. We're still good friends, I'm sure. Her daughter is almost 3, and she sounds amazing. It's nice to have Ema's words of wisdom and her support. She's in Canada - that's not very far, is it?