So NOW it is time!

So since I last wrote, have seen Annabel on Friday, and today seen Sally - the two community midwives. Have had a sweep each time, am still not really particularly effaced, and the baby oscillates between about 3 fifths and 2 fifths in and out! So no obvious signs .... not that there is any such thing as an obvious sign ... 

Baby can come any time, as before. Sally said sometimes there is no sign and those are the babies that just come. She also said tonight is not a good idea as no midwives are free - the on-call homebirth midwife is sick! Tomorrow would be good, or Tuesday! 

LOL. 

Well, we'll see. 

They do keep finding protein in my urine - could be nothing, could be bad news ..... oh wish I knew why there is protein in my wee. Sally is chasing my lab results from last week ... 

Not sure if inducing Tuesday or after Tuesday would be best ... I guess will find out on Tuesday. 

On a more personal note, we have been having a great time, Iain and myself - nesting a little, wandering about Royston enjoying the Arts Festival (very good!), watching Paula & Stu's play (very good!! They really are very talented), receiving calls and messages from friends and family, watching movies and TV, hanging out, sleeping and stuff. It's nice. It's everything we could want .... the baby moves about just as before, all day - I do get a bit paranoid at times, but he seems fine. Waiting is not a problem ... except for his risk as my baby, the baby of someone with impaired glucose tolerance .... that is the only problem, I can't know how safe he is or for how long ... 

39 Weeks and then some ..... Meditating and whirling chakras like a good 'un!

So here's what I'm up to at this late stage of pregnancy:

We do the Rainbow Relaxation we've been practicing for so long (it's a Hypnobirthing thing) and use the other visualisations Sarah has taught us. Mostly I'm just trying to chill out, get in there and spend time with the baby inside, and have been spending time with Iain - watching TV, chatting, cooking, eating at home or out, going to appointments together, lazing about, reading to the baby, or Iain helps me with managing the pain etc - massages, hot wheaty-bags, food, water as in the pool or a bath.

So I focus on the colours, the mantras, the Rainbow, and hope I can stay in the good place I've been retreating to for so long. Made myself the happy diagram above! Am quite pleased with it! That's me today, 39 weeks and 4 days pregnant! 

The pain is rather special to say the least!! I sympathise with women who have suffered for months and months of pregnancy - I have had severe pelvic pain since Sunday last, and while I appreciate it is good that it is happening gradually and manageably leading up to the birth ... Oh My Word does it hurt!! Not always - but if I have lain down, and then eventually of course need to turn or get up - OMG the pain. It's oww oww oww Howl Howl Howl, and then once I am up it is fine again. But very intense when the pain is happening. 

I also need shoves and heaves from Iain to actually get up sometimes now - it's like being crippled or paralysed. I feel like Uma Thurman in Kill Bill ... not nice. It's ludicrous that it fells me so. Am glad I have Iain's help as he helps me avoid some of the pain, and has been diligently massaging away at my legs and hips and feet. 

I have had acupuncture yesterday and today - pretty hardcore therapy, it hurt a fair bit, which is unusual for acupuncture - but expected for the kind of treatment we needed to try to help this baby come ... my Chi has well and truly been prodded and I have a needle in a plaster (special thing) still in my leg for the next few days, and an extra in my bag in case I go in to labour, for the other leg! Vivien is great, and if Baby is not here by the weekend will come along on Monday to the flat to try some more! 

Tomorrow Annabel my midwife will come along in the morning to check me out and to do a stretch & sweep for me ... eww urrghh the excitement! Then I can chill out and wait for Baby. We will see Paula & Stu's play, enjoy the Royston Arts Festival, and see if baby turns up ... no need to make any Induction related decisions till Tuesday anyway .... 

Apart from the pelvic pain, I have no complaints. Am hungry for more food at mealtimes, but not hungry as frequently as a few days ago ... am unsure what is going on ... am watching myself for better data! 

8 Days to go ... OH REALLY???

Woke up early this morning, wondering whether to have a soak in the bath ... I knew my in-laws would be stopping by on the way to the airport - to drop off my Mother's birthday pressie and to pick up their post. They would not be staying as Iain's Mum has a cold ... and I must not get infected right now. But still, I wanted to at least look at them and have them see my bumpiness! They have missed so much of the pregnancy .... 

I never made it up and out of bed with enough time to have to decide on a bath, but I was feeling good - happy and mobile. 

A few hours went by, I sorted the CDs and DVDs with Iain - FINALLY so the boxes can go down to the garage, and I have been putting music in the Mac's iTunes, deleted pregnacy podcasts etc. Am all set for Motherhood LOL! By the time the morning was well underway I realised I am VERY uncomfortable - the baby appears to be way low down now or something - I actually can't face walking too far on my own. Iain went and got the car's mapping done - car still needs bigger injectors and then the LPG conversion SHOULD work well ... finally, right now it's jerky and unreliable and we are still using petrol a lot. Anyway, he came back and said we need the injectors doing, it's provisionally set for Thursday ... LOL I laughed a lot, it was so funny to hear him say that - I had to tell him, if the baby is here by then, we'll probably need the car around, and if the baby is not here by then he will probably come then, and the car cannot go to have the injectors done!! LOL. 

Anyway, we walked down to get fruit together as it is market day, and that was a journey and a half! It took ages for me to walk, but it was also good to walk, I need to keep walking. It helps. 

So we are gonna go to KFC later! 

Maybe the baby will come soon. 

The signs or lack or signs are boring really, as they are largely unreliable and unreadable data - no direct correlation with any actual time for the birth or indication of progress. All I have to go on is a general feeling -- and my general feeling is the baby is on his way, maybe not this weekend, but soon. I feel uninterested in actual contractions and pains and timing and stuff because of the unreliability and ubtrackability .... no way of actually interpreting any of it. Shame that, I enjoyed tracking my sugars, checking my temps when TTC etc - it was great looking for patterns. No suck luck now. 

Am not anxious, am fine with the wait, am enjoying my day - it is sunny outside, Iain is home, he is putting boxes in the garage for me, our flat is pretty much baby-ready. 

9 Days to go!!

So we had a good appointment with Annabel today. She came over and Iain came home from work too. We had a good appointment. She went over the plans for the baby's birth, the scan after his birth, and all the details of the birth-plan and various eventualities. 

She checked my urine and the baby's HB and size ... who knows what is more exact/inexact ... but her measurements match up with the scans. Each guess is as good as the other! 

I had some protein in my urine - could be a UTI although I have no symptoms so I am to drink a lot and watch that, no swelling and BP fine, so not likely to be pre-eclampsia - although I am to watch out for headaches predominantly in the front of my head, swellings, seeing big spots etc. Annabel will be back on Sunday to check me over again. Baby seemed to be a tiny bit lower than on Wednesday. He's getting down there! His back was to the left, wedged in the back, so I am to do a lot of inverted/all-fours positions and use the birthing ball a lot. Help his back move towards the front. 

Nothing else to do really - he is fine, and there is no reason to try and do a sweep yet or induce yet. If they set a date on Tuesday - do a sweep that day, and another 2 days later if need be, then have the induction that weekend I suppose, if he's not here by then. 

Sounds like a plan! 

Under 10 days to go!!

So we had our appointment we dreaded so much yesterday at the Rosie, where the big bad OB was gonna tell us when Baby has to come ...

What a nice surprise - we saw a Dr Hackett, and he was extremely civil and respectful and reassuring. He reassured us again about the baby's kidneys, and we assured him right back that we were not worried either. Will wait to know more after the baby is born, and wait till we actually have something to worry about ... as far as we know, all will be well anyway and we'll never have to worry about his kidneys, which would suit me just fine because I am sure I will find many other things to worry about!!

After that, Hackett talked about my GD - how was I doing etc, and as it is still freakishly well controlled and even getting EASIER to control, he turned to the baby's scans and his size and amniotic fluid levels, blood flow to him from me etc - and all of it is very good, has been all through. So the Dr said we don't need to worry about him yet, you both look very healthy, no need to talk about induction yet, lets see if he can come by 40 weeks. Maybe induce him just before he is due if he has not come yet. We can decide next week after the 39 week scan. 

Rah!!!! 

I am happy enough with that. I have a weeks peace, and I feel so at peace now! The acupuncture and reflexology I had definitely has got things started, as I have contractions now, on and off, and the period-pain kinda pain is still going on in the background. Hackett felt my tummy and said the baby's head was 2 fifths in my pelvis and 3 fifths was still out for him to feel - pretty good as he was not anywhere there before - I thought he had moved down a bit and he has. Of course it means nothing in terms of when will he come out ... ditto the contractions, I can have them on and off for weeks ... but to me, they are all signs that things are happening, and I trust my body and my baby to do all that needs to be done in good time. 

I have acupuncture and reflexology booked for the second half of next week, and Sarah gave me some homoeopathic stuff last night to start taking. Will see how it all goes. I want to enjoy this week, as of course next week I may well be under pressure to induce. 

Am interested to see how the baby is doing by Tuesday. I do want to see him soon ... and he will be here soon, one way or the other. 

We also went to Sarah's last night for our Doula session, saw a video with some positive births (Russian ones!) which was lovely, we had a good talk with Sarah, and made plans, clarified things I need to ask the midwife, and we did some hypnotherapy - a fear release that was pretty powerful, and it is one I feel comfortable with now. The fear was about the horror-induction-hospital scenario - much of which I have learned to deal with, with the hospital's help and Sarah's help, Iain's support and my own hard work. It really helps to have my friends' encouragement too ... I did want a tribe for myself and the baby and I appear to have a tribe of sorts ... disjointed though it is. Modern life, eh? I have so many people to hold dear in my heart after the past 9 months ... such a contrast to when I was 17 and had so many people to be wary of because of things they had done or not done ... 

Have come a long way!! Good thing too, little Baby Jaan deserves a lot more than I had to offer him a few years ago. 

So THE PLAN NOW -

I have a to-do list:

1. Take Sarah's Homoeopathic remedy for 3 days Thu-Sat, take 3 days off and have the 2nd dose Wed-Fri.
2. Tuesday is a big day - have the scan, early in the morning, then reflexology before lunch (hopefully at the Cricketers with Iain!! as Alwyn the reflexologist lives next door pretty much ... ) and then we can go hear what the Doctors have to say about the scan. Maybe the baby will come that night anyway.
3. If not, I have acupuncture on Wednesday. I guess Thursday or Friday would be the induction day of choice for the hospital ... Baby is not really due till Monday 29th ... maybe they do a Sunday night start and he can come on Monday, be ready for his scan on Tuesday ... That would be ok with me ... I dunno, depends on the scan and how hard they press me. Depends on how I feel too - Baby is getting very heavy. He is lying somewhere which is probably good for coming down ... but its not nice for me to walk down the hill, or get up from bed/sofa. 
4. I have no fear as such, I am happy he is coming. I made a decision  many years ago to do this, and have been training for this time all my life - literally since I was a little girl myself. I did the best I could always to get to this point, did not actually always do the best thing - ignorance!! - but have compensated as much as I could in the last year, and have definitely done my best, my very best for the first time in my life. The only improvement would have been perfect meals at every meal and 3 hours exercise every single day - not possible with all the balancing I have had to do. So that's a moot point!  So he will be here, and I will do the best I can to bring him here safely and calmly and happily - not just for me, for my own happiness, but for him, for his life - it starts on earth as he comes out, and its really important how that is. Every sign points to all good things, and I love those signs. 
5. Am seeing the midwife tomorrow - she should be here at 10:00. I need to ask her when she would want me to call her, how long she would take to get here, and how can I be sure it won't be Sally-with-attitude rocking up. 

Iain's gone out for his last night out at the cinema before Baby gets here! Am glad he's getting the chance. I've been nesting and tidying all day! The cupboard under the sink in the kitchen and the new over-the-fridge cupboard are all re-organised and stocked up - I even have the birthing-day biscuits in tins!! Chocolate in one, gingernuts in another, my krackawheat in a third, the rich teas in the last one - LOL!!! Must not eat them yet!! They are for the people who come along .... We have a load of the breadsticks with the parmesan and olive oil in them too, which I love. Not sure if I will be hungry before or after Baby ... or what I would even want to eat, but it feels good to have measurable carbs in the house!! 

I cleaned the bath and the tiles ... I think we need stronger stuff for the tiles ... that will have to wait, now is not the time! At least it's clean. Then I sorted through my jewellery and stocks of soap and bath stuff and moisturiser and it is all boxed up now ready for the Narnia cupboard, thank goodness - I have all I can use for the next few months out and ready. Baby's stuff is all out too, where his stuff is meant to be. His clothes could probably do with re-sorting ... I dunno which outfits are smallest any more as they were washed by colour obviously, not size. I still have one load I can do, and his gorgeous nappies have yet to be washed. I'll wait to do them. 

Just the CDs and DVDs to do - we just have the 2 Bennos in the study now and they need to be sorted so one has the overspill of DVDs and the other has the CDs we want up here, and the rest have to go down. The baskets and boxes we have up here need to go down ... Iain can do all that and we'll have a clear room - in every room!! And I can just chill, and chill some more!  

38 Weeks + 3 days ... am hanging on to the joy of having the baby with me

Well, the ticker says 1 week and 4 days left. 

I do know it's not an exact science, and I did ovulate and implant with some delay - I know that because of the records I kept myself and the very early scans when I had those pains. There is no reason to think all that was for nothing and the baby will come before 40 weeks is up ... his 40 weeks may be the hospital notes' 40 weeks + 5 days! 

I doubt they care about my timeline though, I am being treated with as much respect as the system can allow, but that cannot extend to actually accepting what I think I know when it is totally outside whatever it is that is the norm in their world. It's not personal, it's just one reality squidging along next to another. 

I do feel squidged though, and cross that I have to listen to such a lot of stuff just so I can get the information and advice that I DO want. Today we will go in to the Rosie and hopefully see Miss Charlotte Patient, the Obstetrician in charge of my case there, and she will, I hear, tell me when my baby needs to come. She'll also plan the birth she would choose for me. I am interested to know more about such a plan. I would rather know, and come to terms with it, and work out how best to do what I need to do. I would like to know her reasons for not just waiting, or just leaving me alone. I would like to know if my baby's scans have revealed anything about his size or weight that is relevant to an early induced birth. I'd also want to know if a sweep would be a good idea now. 

I'll be very cross if we are strung along for another week, I am sick of going in there, the games they play with moving goal-posts is insulting. I would rather have honesty. It is unnecessary and very rude. Their protocols don't change, I would rather just know what they think. 

So what is 38 weeks like? 

Physically I am achey, just in a band around the base of my bump, and my back opposite that space. The bump is heavy and of course my muscles are lax there now. I can feel my hips and pubic bones ache and move about a bit, as they should do. I don't put a lot of strain on these bones, or my tummy muscles -  none of the pain is strong, none of it lasts more than a few seconds, it really is nothing compared to what I am used to, pain-wise. It is boring as it is discomfort, but nothing that is giving me a sign that things are happening. 

I am still pooing more often than usual - which has been going on for about a month, and I see that as a sign that things are rearranging and contracting within, even though I feel very little of this. I guess my pain threshold is very high. 

I can still walk, bend all the way down to pick something off the floor, lift my legs to take off nail-polish, moisturise etc, although I have to take my time in order to avoid injury/loss of balance. I don't always want to do any of these things, but that's another story! 

We tried the birthing pool the other night and I want it all the time now - I didn't even realise I had aches and pains ... until I got in!!! They melted away and I loved it. Iain thought I would. Am looking forward to using it. 

I ache most at night, and after lying down for a long time, so mornings are not that nice now. It's not terrible - but it's not a nice way to wake up. 

Emotionally I am very happy about a number of things -

• Those closest to me have been making a big effort to support and reassure me, and help me enjoy this last stage of pregnancy, which is very much appreciated. 
  
• Iain and I are very much together on what we want and what we need to do for the baby, we are preparing for the birth, and I would not want to do this any other way, so I am glad to have him. Sarah is being immensely supportive, her advice is very good, and she is helping me remember to see every option for what it is, something I am perfectly capable of doing ... but as we all know that is never a guarantee that the person will actually do it! 
• I have been thinking about my options carefully and talking to some people, not just Sarah. I've had reassurance from her, from Iain, from Beverley Beech, the AIMS chairman whom I emailed, from the Acupuncturist Vivien, Julie who I did yoga classes with, Chris and Julie (my friend Julie!) and even from Rafi who called the other day - I don't think I'm crazy or being irresponsible or taking unnecessary risks. Neither do they. I have been listening, and trying to really try and hear what these carefully chosen people think ... I don't want to have made up my mind and stick rigidly to an idealised scenario as I don't believe that is useful or appropriate in a birthing situation. I am happy and confident that I am doing my best, and that so far, all appears well. 
• Our home is just lovely - sure there are still a few bags and boxes to go down to the garage, and we didn't finish our list of tasks - but the floors are nice, the walls are nice, the Narnia cupboard, even without a door is great - our shoes and my bags are all on the shelves and we have space to put other stuff - wonder what will end up in there ... (I don't want Iain spending 'spare' time on a door! We can hang out instead!!).
  
• The baby's corner in the lounge, his 'nursery' has a nice feel to it, I think. It's only his cradle, his changing station and the breast-feeding chair my mother used with us 3 .... but I have saved space for Baby's swing, playmat etc for the months to come. I like the space. I hope he will too. 
• Even the study looks nice - despite the boxes we have yet to remove, and despite the modifications we have yet to make ... it will be even nicer soon.

Basically, we know how we want it all to look soon, but we also know plans could change once the baby is here - it's his home too and with such a little home, like ours, we are happy to take our time and get it just right. 

However there are sadnesses too - 

• Pressure from the hospital has been getting me down. The kidney thing is not really something to worry about, and I don't worry or think about it, it is just a scheduled thing to deal with post-birth. One of many things. And I am very happy that I have not been bombarded with pressure and scare-stories regarding all that, the hospital has been open and forthcoming with information and support. The pressure is all about birthing early and making me feel like a bad mother if I want to wait. The pressure is in being there ... week after week ... waiting in their disorganised, badly managed disarray, feeling pressurised, tired, bored and hungry, wondering why on earth anyone would willingly have a baby there. Psychologically it is always a big blow. I don't look forward to it - I am never sure who I will see, what will be said, there is really no reliable pattern, it is all set up to scare, disconcert and coerce. The fact that they try and treat me with respect is appreciated, but I'm not stupid, and can see what it all is ... and where I fit in ... and it's not nice. 
• I do feel as if the only doubts and fears in my mind have been pushed on to me by the hospital system - we have taken as many steps as we can to minimise this problem - we went and had a long LONG session with one of the midwives and made a plan for birthing there. I am happy with the plan, I mean, it's still not my plan as such to birth there, but should I get there, I am happy with that plan. I don't like the lack of confidence my Community Midwives are showing. They would clearly prefer it if I was the Rosie's problem .... if I was going there for sure. In an emergency situation I could well end up at the Lister, which would suck because I have never been there. I dunno if they can follow my Rosie Plan. I don't see what else I can do - we have made peace with every possible location, we have made a plan, we are encouraging the baby to come and preparing ourselves as much as we can, we are open to membrane sweeps, even open to induction with all the methods the hospital recommends - it's a sliding scale of less-than-ideal, but I really, really do believe we will know what to do, and just want information and professional recommendations - I can't stand it when the pressure gets piled on as a routine thing - WHY??? They have spent months watching me, and talking to me. I refuse to stand for the crappy pressure - it sets me back so much. 
• Other people's sadnesses have always got me down, and there are sadnesses around me, which seep in through my skin. I can't change things for other people, I know that, I don;t even want to any more like I used to. I feel bad for my part in making other people unhappy - and I am sorry to say I have made more than one person's sadness worse recently, wither through my own preoccupation with my baby & the resulting insensitivity to their issues, or because I cannot spend any of my energy on their problems - one situation in particular, I am not sure, but in some ways the people concerned seem to feel I should either be wallowing with them in misery or somehow give them some sunshine so they have some respite - and to be honest, they are in such a pickle, I feel I need to keep my pregnant self and my innocent baby well away ... it's too much, it's beyond me, and I think, actually, beyond any happy resolution. Sadnesses like that are poison, they seep in, congeal around one's heart, lungs, stomach, gut and womb - and I have to stay well, have to be okay, I have so much to do, to keep the baby safe now, and to help him thrive when he comes out. 

Physically there have been highs recently - 

• My sugar levels have been phenomenally good, and so easy to manage - this is a sure sign - telling me what I need to do - trust my body, all will be well with my numbers on B-Day. They have confused me a little as Simmonds was warning me about them RISING at this last stage, not going down. I have been eating food with sugar in during my meals as part of my meals - including sugary fruit, chocolate and biscuits. Not huge amounts, but certainly normal servings, and my numbers are great even after 1.5 hours. This is not usual for someone who is meant to be such a freak. 
  
• The baby moves about every day, all day. He stretches out his leg, he turns his back/butt about once in a while, I got a few sharper kicks outward (unusual) when I had Reflexology yesterday - it was definitely making contractions happen, which must have thrown the baby! The day before that I had Acupuncture, just a short session to hopefully get things started, and he did respond to that too, moving about a lot more, and then turning himself this way and that (moving down maybe?) over the later part of the evening. Well, am still not in labour, so lets see. 

The downsides have been hardly any practice contractions ... that I can feel, so I dunno how things are going as such, not that Braxton Hicks' tell you when your baby is coming ... so on the one hand who cares, on the other hand, I have nothing to focus on as such, and monitor and try and speed up or whatever - I dunno, I guess it's not like it would be a comfort or a help if I WERE having lots of contractions ... 

I have been focusing on breathing, on visualisation, and trying to stay stress-free, at least as often as I can be. I know it is simple, and the best thing to do, it's more powerful and proactive than all the other things I could do - such as sew, tidy and do laundry like a mad thing, cook and cook and freeze and freeze, socialise and stuff. I am not doing much of anything other than staying close to where I want to start my birthing, taking care of my body and my spirits as best as I can, trying to counter the sadness and frustration, the stress of the situation - it should not be that way, and people are wrong to pile on the pressure. I am strong, I know I am, never more than now, but I don't know the limits of my strength, or the strength of my failings/weaknesses, so who knows how things will work out?

37 Weeks Pregnant

So here we are, our baby is officially full-grown to the extent that if he were to come along, he would be a term baby. Well done young Midgley! 

Am so proud of Offspring. 

As for me, I seem to be happy enough in the daytime, every evening I am out of sorts and sad. Hormones? 

Eating is not that easy, am not as hungry as am sad so much. 

The flat looks worse to me than it really is ... so we are sorting it out today. We now have all the Aspvik shelves we want ... and so Iain is putting them up and we will stock them. The bad-karma side tables are now going to the tip - today or tomorrow probably. Aside from the hooks for coats, the Narnia Cupboard is done, ready for stocking. 

We are almost there in terms of tidying for the Baby's arrival. I think I will feel happy once it is all tidy as I will be able to sit and do my yoga or breathing or watch DS9 whatever I want to do ... and I should be able to sort out the kitchen, and that would be nice. 

I need space because I take up so much space right now .... the disharmony is upsetting. 

Physically people keep referring to how uncomfortable I must be, and how I want it to be over. Actually, not so. I feel depressed half the time, I believe partly the hormones, but mostly the pressure other people are putting on me regarding my plans and hopes for my family. The birthing, the attachment parenting, the diaper-free ideas, the baby-wearing .... .... the food. The breast-feeding. 

I had similar pressure about how I handled the pregnancy, only less so as people are less interested ... have less advice. 

It IS depressing. 

I'm looking forward to having the flat free to fill with positive thoughts and images. 

It can be my safe place. 

I am actually not very uncomfortable physically. Turning over in bed is not comfortable - there is one line of tummy under the bump which is achey then, because the muscles don't work. It is like when surgery messes us your muscles, except this hurts less and the pain goes away faster. I assume because the muscles are still there, and not damaged, so it hurts less. BUT still does not give me the support I need, so it hurts a bit. I turn on to all fours before getting up as much as possible, or have Iain's arm to take some of the weight, and it helps. It's not much pain, or much effort. 

I am peeing fine, and pooping a lot - who knew .... have been pooping loads, 2 or 3 times every day. I imagine it is my body practicing the birthing reflexes low down - the J breathing type actions that should happen when the baby is coming out ... - and I can't really feel contractions so much ... but the effect it is having on my bowels are evident! 

Better than the alternative. Constipation would suck right now. 

Am hungry sometimes, suddenly and irresistably. I want apple, chocolate or bread normally. I have been incorporating these foods into sensible meals mostly. Goes out the window if I am out. It is still best if I stay at home, just for the food. 

Most of the time I am just tired or bored or sad. I sleep a lot. Might as well. Everything can wait. 

I am not really waiting as in actively waiting for something to happen .... baby will be here soon, sooner than 37 weeks from now. Time passes no matter what. I know I will miss having the bump very much, and I love the bump, actively love it and appreciate having it. That I do every waking moment, and I believe, when I sleep too. We have to part soon, and I don't want to grieve when he leaves my body, I want to rejoice, and comfort him, and applaud his achievement, not be sad that he has done what he was always meant to do. He does not really know what is coming, I do, and I will be consciously happy about our time attached, for both of us. 

It's practice for after he is born too, as for the first few months he will be with me always, and then one day he will be so big he will crawl away, and again, then I must be happy he can, not sad that my attachment with him is severed further. It should happen ... his development, I want it to, and I see no benefit for either of us in treating my sadness and loss with anything more or less than the respectful acknowledgment it deserves. It is not the main focus, nor should it be, but managing the feeling well will take thought and practice. I'd rather be happy and proud and encouraging.