PCOS conference day and Barbecue at Mostyn & Jules'

Today I went in to London, bright and early for Verity's (the PCOS self help group in the UK) conference. I'd been looking forward to this fr a long time, but with some trepidation. I really didn't want to be disappointed, and thank goodness, it was a great day. It was wonderful to be in a world where everyone understood the harshness of living with PCOS, and also understood and saw perfectly the many good things we have brought out of it all. There were plenty of women there - all shapes and sizes, everyone looking really nice actually, we weren't exactly fitting easily into any of the stereotypes. I met some really nice ladies, and it also felt nice to have had the success I have had so far, and to share it with the people I really want to share it with - it's incredibly hard losing so much through the crazy hormones, and I've at least scrabbled together enough of what I needed to push the infertility aside and get pregnant (subfertility apparantly! I learned a new word ... one of the RE s was using the word). 

I could see different ladies in one or other of the dark places I was in not long ago ... others with problems far more challenging than mine, some who have completely different ways of dealing with it all - it looked like they had done a smashing job too. 

The talks were all interesting. I'll fill in more about them later ...

Then in the evening, afte

r the conference I went to Mostyn & Jules' place, where Iain had  already turned up. They had eaten round 

one of the barbecue feast! Mostyn started cook

ing round two once I arrived on the scene, and man was I starving!!

Yummy food and good company, just what I wanted.

Iain and I were really excited as we had decided to ask Jules & Mostyn a very important question .... 

Godparents! 

Well technically the godparents won't have God/religion related duties ... obviously, as our situation is so, shall we say, unique ... but the first Godparent who signed up (said yes) was Chris, a while back ... I haven't taken a picture though! We have been planning to ask Mostyn and Jules for ages, and Jules assures me we have m

ade one of their dreams come true by asking! (I love how she loves our baby so much, it is most heartening). 

So here are Baby's new Godparents. 

Approaching 18 weeks ... Photoshoot day

So I went into London for my first Pregnany & Birth Magazine photoshoot - which was good fun. Nice people. Wasn't sure if I was meant to make different faces or anything! That was funny! 

While at home I realised I can take bump pictures with the Mac and my mirror, so had some fun

. I am 17 weeks and 6 days in these, so almost 18 weeks. 

The bump is very not

iceable now, and people have been commenting on it. To be honest, people actually have no clue so it does not bother me! All I really care about is that my body keeps changing, which tells

 

me the baby is too. How much of my tummy is gas and how much is the baby - at 18 weeks .... who knows? 

I walked quite a bit going in for the photoshoot and found it remarkably effortless. I am getting more energy back. I had been pretty sad leading up to it, Douglas' absence (Iain's brother) and then sudden plans for him to visit (all in typical thoughtless style) was too much for me, on top of Iain's parents' visit - it's a lot to have going on at a time when I need all my energy and strength to deal with pregnancy and the baby. It was very nice to have somethi

ng for me - the photoshoot. As it turns out Douglas appears to care very little about the baby so far, and I know he is not obliged to care, or even pretend to care, of course, and with the move to Bahrain and everything Iain's parents obviously have plenty to do, and everyone does not respond to impending Grandparenthood the way my parents do .... and Iain's Mum in particular is tentatively getting involved in her own way, which is nice.... It's not that I really expect the world to actually revolve around me, and my baby - nor do I expect to be able to scrip people's responses to my happy news. I have Iain, the baby, my ever improving health, my studies and plenty of great things going on, some good friends to share things with, I'm not that greedy, I know how good things are. Still, just because I wanted this pregnancy so much, for so long, and worked so hard to get this far, that does not mean I don't have difficult things to deal with. I do love being pregnant, I love every day of it. I don't love the sadness that creeps in sometimes from other places, other lives. Gets me down. 

Here's me made up and on my way home in the evening! It's a cameraphone picture, sorry! We'll have to wait till the magazine prints the article to see the pictures in t

he outfits they chose for me! 

It was my first experience in maternity clothes and OMG they are so comfy!! I desperately want pregnancy jeans now! 

17 Weeks! Photo time.

Voila! 

Update - am such a slacker

Sorry guys, haven't posted in a while. Lots has been going on, but partly because I've been doing things, I haven't been posting updates; and partly most of whats going on isn't really blog material ... 

I am getting a firmer bump, which is good. Can hear the baby's heartbeat still with the doppler but its been hard - my gut's been noisy! 

I've been missing Yoga in Cambridge - last week I missed the bus because I didn't have enoug cash on me, and this week on Thursday I'll be in London in the afternoon at a photoshoot for Pregnancy & Birth Magazine - oh yes!! I am to be a Diarist apparantly. Sarah (Doula) did it with one of her pregnancies and she passed the details on to me. Am looking forward to it. Spread the word and all that, generally have nice pictures taken, you know .... 

Of course as the photoshoot is at 3 pm I could conceivably go to Yoga too ... but it might be a bit much, we'll see. I don't think I'd make it in time. I do plan to go to Aqua Yoga tomorrow for the first time, in Cambridge - try it out, get some exercise. Go shopping for books for Saamia, Samar & Ridaa too. 

Since my last post Farhad Bhai came for a flying visit (Thu 17th) and I went to Cherry Hinton to hang out and have lunch, it was really nice. Phuppu makes every meal special, every day special. Mamma and I went through all her saris, and really none of them are Kantha material ... The pure cotton ones were left behind, weren't they? Mamma will get me some plain white saris she said, like the old ladies wear! They are really soft she says. 

Then on Friday I met Chris in London, having done some transcribing at the BL (yess!!), we had a really nice evening in Notting Hill - I had gone in to see the Green Baby shop, and I have to say, the baby skincare products seem a good choice for me. I'll probably try a few brands and see. Green Baby will certainly be one of them. Highlight of the shopping trip was the Stokke Xplory pram in turquoise that was in the store. I was climbing all over the stairs to look at it and the sales attendant took it down and showed me everything - its wonderful, am in love with it! I can take it up and down stairs!!!!! OMG!!!! 

I would love it. 

For when I'm not wearing the baby of course. 

(like, when will that be??? I dunno ... ask me next year ...) 

Then Saturday night we had dinner at Tim & Vanessa's and their new house is so nice, am so happy for them. Vanessa's going to be a childminder (yesss!!!!!) 

They also have a new cat, so now they have 2. 

Oh and over dinner, the baby gave me what felt like a good long punch where my belly button is!! Twice!!! I know it was probably the baby knocking or pulling something, but the feeling was like a Terminator-style extension projecting outwards. It was kinda cool, but wouldn't be very nice if it happened too often! 

I spoke to Aunty Karen, David & Diana and Katie over the weekend, it's nice to officially tell them and talk about the pregnancy and the baby, everyone had such nice things to say. Diana said I'm going to be a good Mum, and it really was very nice to hear that, Katie had plenty of support and advice to offer, plus baby clothes, which I am really happy about. Her boys are so sweet. Aunty Karen reminisced about her pregnancy, and she's keen to start knitting! 

I've contacted the Vicar at Ousby and am all set to check out Robinson's Church in a weeks time. Brilliant! Can't wait. We leave for Carlisle on Saturday, I have the Warburg workshop on Friday and the Verity PCOS conference on Saturday. Phew! Iain is going to join his family on Thursday night for dinner (Douglas is showing up) but I'm gonna stay out of this one. Life really is too short and my baby is far too precious for all the drama.  

Iain does the Study flooring

Well, Iain has been doing a stellar job with the underfloor heating/flooring in the study-project. All took about a week, doing a bit each evening. 

I can't wait for the bedroom to be done now!! 

Pregnancy update

Well I am charging through this week, busy busy busy.

Monday I nursed my poor kidneys, and today I found out my urine sample didn't show an infection ... so that means it's my dodgy hormones playing up and weakening my bladder and kidneys and all sorts. Darned IR. I was ok when I had my Estradiol patches ... I'm going to call Whitcroft's office and ask what I can do as the antibiotics are doing nothing really, as there isn't an infection. Next time it happens I suppose we'll send the sample to the lab before I start taking antibiotics. So a lot of the pain has gone now anyway, and I am drinking more, but being ill took its toll on my diet and cooking - I just didn't cook, and now I have left sided owies. Very annoying. I did cook today. And we had fish. I need to not be so run down and poorly. I really enjoyed getting some studying done last week. 

Tuesday was a far more positive day, Mamma came and took me to Sarah's for the coffee morning and we had a lovely time. Was nice to hang out with Mum with no distractions. We planned and plotted about baby slings and flannel family beds, swaddle cloths, kanthas and all sorts. After she dropped me home I did struggle to eat stuff, and my choices weren't great, but minimal damage under the circumstances ... I went to Yoga in Royston at 5:15, and there was another lady there! Wendy's her name, and as I found out when we left after the session, she lives on Barkway which is brilliant (its the big road next to ours!)

So we swapped numbers and will try and go swimming together on Friday. We plan on trying to find the right bus. We think it leaves from Somerfield. 

I had lots of bus expeditions today - I got the 26 to the Surgery - it was late and so was I. The shame of it! Midwife Anabel was very kind though, didn't give me a hard time and saw me right away. Seems all is fine with me and the baby. We had a listen to the heartbeat - such a lovely sound! The baby kept moving about. Not that I can feel it yet. 

I got a different bus back (to Somerfield) and went to buy some fish and veg and fruit. Apart from getting stuck behind a little old lady at the cashpoint who seemed to have 5 cards to use to take money out with ... everything went smoothly. I felt fine at the fish van, so that awful part of this pregnancy when I could not stand the smell is now gone - yaay! - long may it stay away. 

I have felt well today.  I do know I have to make a big effort again with my food. I have been craving cake etc - not that I want to actually eat it, just wanting it in a way I know means I've had too many carbs already. It's not actual hunger. Darn it. A few servings of ramen noodles and some biscuits and this is where I get. 

16 Weeks!! Time for Tummy Pics.

So it's 16 weeks now - a month to go till we find out if Lambykins really is Baby Princess as I suspect .. I'd love either sort of baby really, I don't have a preference, just a feeling that the baby is a girl. I've thought so from the start, but who knows, maybe I just think that because Brishti and Saamia are both girls, Nani, Mamma & Khalamma all had girls first, I suppose at the back of my mind I think that is the way it is! There was also some schpeel in the Miriam Stoppard First Time Parents book which I read soon after the BFP - I already thought we were having a girl, and one of the 'facts' in the book reinforced my feeling - something about how the TTC schedule ends up going the month we conceived, timing and how long each sort of sperm survives and thrives, it's not a sure thing, but there was probably a slightly higher chance that the girl-making sperm made it to the egg rather than the boy-making sperm. 

Anyway, I digress again, for no good reason.

We plan to check out the NCT nearly new sale ... and then chug along to Mum & Dad's for dinner. Yaay. Am looking forward to the food!!!

Meet Dada and Didi

Well what do you know? Iain's parents turned up today, and it was lovely to see them. It is birthday time for them both so its nice to see them around this time. Plus 2 more people who already really love Lambykins/Baby Princess. That's good in my book!! 

And we have names - My in-laws were undecided as to what the baby would call them ... Grandma and Grandpa are not really their style [er ... except ... that's what they are now ... somebody's Grandma & Grandpa ... but, anyway - it's up to them what Lambykins calls them, I don't mind] 

The chosen names now are Dada [for Dad] and Didi [for Mum] - which is a nice nod to my Bengali background - Dada is one of the words used for older brother as well as paternal grandfather in Bangla, and Didi is one of the words used for older sister. It's pretty common for grandparents in Bengali culture to be affectionately called terms that also mean older brother/sister --- apparantly my in-laws are not unique in feeling young. I love it, of course, as its nice (and unusual) for cross-cultural integration to spontaneously take place. It's also very nice to see them excited about Lambykins.

Now are my parents going to do something vaguely English??? lol!! 

My mother in law is also going to make Lambykins a Kantha - BRILLIANT!!! It's going to be great, I know it will. Now I have to get some old stuff from family members. 

Hmmm....

Lambykins tickles Mummy

Ok, Lambykins, or Baby Princess, whoever is in there - someone tickled me today

Oh they did it again! 

Now of course I can't be sure if its the baby, or my imagination, or some form of supernatural intervention .... but I'm willing to believe it's the baby. 

Watch this space!

In other news I have yet another UTI and possibly a kidney thing .... my kidneys hurt. Dr Seymour put me on antibiotics. This is so poo!! 

I've found the PERFECT products for me

Ok, so I've been umming and ahhing about what moisturiser to buy for a while now ... and have been avoiding going in to John Lewis to pick up the front-runner, Dr Hauschka's Rose Day Cream, just because I knew I had to check out the Burts Bees Carrot Day Cream as well ... and was worried about disappointment. I quite like the Rose Day Cream, but it goes on a bit greasy, and the tube is so hard to use. But it IS a good cream, and safe for Lambykins too. 

So I went in to John Lewis, tried the Carrot cream and it almost made me gag, really, the smell, and its very oily, so sorry Burts Bees - not that cream! So I gravitated over to Philosophy and dabbed on some Hope in a Jar, and honestly, sadly, those days are now gone for me ... I don't think I can use it again. It's just not natural and happy-making enough - I am used to lovely essential oils now. 

A John Lewis Lady came up to me and offered some help, so I told her my problem, my moisturiser needs to be really, nice, smell and feel great, make me feel great, really soak into my skin and keep me moisturised, and it has to be organic and natural because of the baby - I need to be happy with the baby sucking it off my face if that's what the baby happens to be doing to my face!!! She understood perfectly and took me over to the Stella McCartney counter (who knew??? where have I been, under a rock?) and I had a good session playing with the Care range with the Stella McCartney lady, Sian (lovely girl, but scary eyebrows, not a very natural look). 

Ok, I LOVE this range L O V E it, almost enough to not get furniture and just buy the stuff instead .....!!! The smell is just right, feels good, skin looks nice. Oh I want this stuff. 

The moisturiser, though - wait for it - is £46, making it the most expensive moisturiser I have ever considered buying. You don't just use it by itself of course, there is a serum, an 'elixir' (choice of 3) that you buy to put under it - mine would be the calming/soothing one, oooh so nice. Then before that there is a range of cleansers - the one I love is the foaming one, I love foaming cleansers and this one I can wash off or tissue/cotton wool off, so it's great - £21, and the toner is a spray mist that feels nice, and it's another £21. 

If you buy the whole lot, it's £131 and you get a flannel and a plastic rectangular block with holes in to keep your products standing in .... gimmick. Now where am I going to get £130??? 

Oh My God. I finally find it, and it's out of reach. 

Life is so unfair.

Yoga class was brilliant though!! I loved it, and had a real workout. Definitely carrying on with the class in Cambridge, no matter what. 

The first parenting workshop - Babycalming & Attachment parenting

We went to our first workshop by Sarah, and it was all about Babycalming and Attachment Parenting. Leslie, who I had met before in Yoga was there with her new baby James and her husband (Mike?), and there was another lady, Helen, who is due in 8 weeks (!)

It was really good actually! Learnt a lot, had reassurance about a lot, watched Iain take it all in and get involved, which was lovely, he was trying slings on, comforting, swaddling and patting the pretend baby (doll), it was great. I have a lot of respect for Tanyapa's research and parenting tactics from back when Brishti was a little 'un. I had come across a lot of stuff through her. Pretty cool. 

So we get to swaddle and Shhhhh!!!! Lambykins too!! Hurrah. 

Was nice to hear more about the logistics of babywearing on a day to day basis. And co-sleeping, plenty of options and solutions out there. I am back to leaning towards buying the Oberon Cradle ... for the daytime mainly ... am not sure. 

Shopping spree!

Just did some shopping. I've been putting it off for so long ... it is scary spending money, but I really need this stuff. Ordered the pregnancy pillow (went with the Dream Genii) and got a birthing ball, I HAVE to do something about my muscles, just walking up the hill is still hell. I only have 6 months to go!!! Got all that stuff from this amazing website www.expressyourselfmums.co.uk 

I also ordered my Mexican Bola pendant - love it! 

My tummy feels really heavy and I've been hungry the past couple of days, thank goodness as it's possible to have 3 meals easily now, even 4 if I am up early enough. It was so hard to eat for a while. 

I still need to drink more. Wish drinks didn't hurt my gut so much. 

I think I just heard the baby's heartbeat!

Well I found a way to stop being sad ... it's not cheap, its costing us £20 a month ... but the foetal doppler arrived this afternoon, and I think I found the baby's heartbeat!! 

Hurrah!!! 

And Mamma reckons she can help me modify my old clothes ... so I guess I have the doppler instead of new stuff, but I don't care!!! The baby's alive!!! 

So, great stuff lined up for this weekend:

1. Impress Iain with Lambykins' heartbeat (mine can't be 161 for sure, that's the baby, mine is the 80 reading, right??) 
2. Watch the Bahrain GP yessss
3. Bake cakes when the Ocado delivery comes tonight
4. Make ice cream - Nani's ice cream maker works! And cos I'm making this stuff it can be pretty low GL
5. Watch Lost with Iain
6. Eat crispy duck this weekend yaay! While we watch the GP maybe? Hmm might be too distracting so maybe not, I'm so torn
7. Go to the Babycalming workshop tomorrow
8. Order my pregnancy pillow 
9. Keep singing along to Diana Ross and Elvis as they seem to chase the blues away! (Try this, you'll see: "Don't you know, we're caught in a trap and every time you touch me, I become a hero" - sing them together you know it makes sense!!)

And apparantly Julie and Anne-Marie are gonna hang out with me soon - Yippee. Mamma is going to try and go to the Hypnobirthing Coffee Morning with me in April, and I'm definitely going in to the BL next week ... I really have to. So a chance to end the darkness, or hold it off at least. I need to not think about test results for Thursday. Who knows if I have the parvovirus or not. I'm impressed the hospital called the GPs to give them the heads up. Maybe I AM being cared for like a human being for once ... 

The hardest battles are inside, always, aren't they? And its not like the ones outside are easy ...

So I haven't posted in a few days. I've been sad a lot, and had things to be happy about too. Lets list them, maybe they'll stick:

I feel less sick most of the time

I'm a bit more full of life

I appear to be growing a bit, specially by bedtime, the comedy boobs are sticking around

I can sleep, although I wake up briefly a few times to either pee or because I'm that uncomfortable

I get twingey achey pains every now and then, reassuring, no? 

The comedy boobs are achey a lot, and downright sore sometimes

So plenty of cause to think the baby is doing his/her thing. 

On the downside, I'm bored and lonely, and am not getting much done other than the basics. It turns out I may have been exposed to the parvovirus B19 a few weeks ago, and that's not good as the hospital has checked my bloods from February and I am not immune to this virus. So if I did get exposed to it, I could be infected and it's not a baby-friendly virus. The girl who thinks she had it and thinks maybe she passed it to me, she was as pregnant as me, and her baby died. Of course, the virus might have had nothing to do with it, and I'm sad because of her baby dying, and the babies and tiny embryos of a few other ladies I know on the forum too. It's sad, and while I am glad and grateful that Lambykins seems to be ok, how do I know, and how do I believe our baby will live when all those other babies died? Or is Lambykins more likely to make it based on averages of how many babies make it? It's very sad, and I don't really have anyone around to distract me. 

I caved in and ordered a doppler to rent, maybe I can focus on positive things if the baby is demonstrably alive ... 

 

Trip to the Antenatal Diabetes clinic

We went and had a chat with a doctor (diabetologist) and a dietician at the Rosie antenatal outpatient clinic - missed yoga for it! 

It was actually great once we actually saw the Dr. They understood my concerns and were appreciative of the efforts I am making. They liked my numbers and I don't need to test regularly yet. The GTT at 28-32 weeks should be good enough to see if I develop GD. 

They also gave me a lot of reassurance and advice, most of which I already knew, and no one forced anything on me. So I feel confident I can trust them if I need them. 

In other news I did throw up my lunch of leftover chilli and tinned soup ... urggh, I guess the food choices say it all. Plus I left it waaaay too long between b/f and lunch.