So NOW it is time!

So since I last wrote, have seen Annabel on Friday, and today seen Sally - the two community midwives. Have had a sweep each time, am still not really particularly effaced, and the baby oscillates between about 3 fifths and 2 fifths in and out! So no obvious signs .... not that there is any such thing as an obvious sign ... 

Baby can come any time, as before. Sally said sometimes there is no sign and those are the babies that just come. She also said tonight is not a good idea as no midwives are free - the on-call homebirth midwife is sick! Tomorrow would be good, or Tuesday! 

LOL. 

Well, we'll see. 

They do keep finding protein in my urine - could be nothing, could be bad news ..... oh wish I knew why there is protein in my wee. Sally is chasing my lab results from last week ... 

Not sure if inducing Tuesday or after Tuesday would be best ... I guess will find out on Tuesday. 

On a more personal note, we have been having a great time, Iain and myself - nesting a little, wandering about Royston enjoying the Arts Festival (very good!), watching Paula & Stu's play (very good!! They really are very talented), receiving calls and messages from friends and family, watching movies and TV, hanging out, sleeping and stuff. It's nice. It's everything we could want .... the baby moves about just as before, all day - I do get a bit paranoid at times, but he seems fine. Waiting is not a problem ... except for his risk as my baby, the baby of someone with impaired glucose tolerance .... that is the only problem, I can't know how safe he is or for how long ... 

39 Weeks and then some ..... Meditating and whirling chakras like a good 'un!

So here's what I'm up to at this late stage of pregnancy:

We do the Rainbow Relaxation we've been practicing for so long (it's a Hypnobirthing thing) and use the other visualisations Sarah has taught us. Mostly I'm just trying to chill out, get in there and spend time with the baby inside, and have been spending time with Iain - watching TV, chatting, cooking, eating at home or out, going to appointments together, lazing about, reading to the baby, or Iain helps me with managing the pain etc - massages, hot wheaty-bags, food, water as in the pool or a bath.

So I focus on the colours, the mantras, the Rainbow, and hope I can stay in the good place I've been retreating to for so long. Made myself the happy diagram above! Am quite pleased with it! That's me today, 39 weeks and 4 days pregnant! 

The pain is rather special to say the least!! I sympathise with women who have suffered for months and months of pregnancy - I have had severe pelvic pain since Sunday last, and while I appreciate it is good that it is happening gradually and manageably leading up to the birth ... Oh My Word does it hurt!! Not always - but if I have lain down, and then eventually of course need to turn or get up - OMG the pain. It's oww oww oww Howl Howl Howl, and then once I am up it is fine again. But very intense when the pain is happening. 

I also need shoves and heaves from Iain to actually get up sometimes now - it's like being crippled or paralysed. I feel like Uma Thurman in Kill Bill ... not nice. It's ludicrous that it fells me so. Am glad I have Iain's help as he helps me avoid some of the pain, and has been diligently massaging away at my legs and hips and feet. 

I have had acupuncture yesterday and today - pretty hardcore therapy, it hurt a fair bit, which is unusual for acupuncture - but expected for the kind of treatment we needed to try to help this baby come ... my Chi has well and truly been prodded and I have a needle in a plaster (special thing) still in my leg for the next few days, and an extra in my bag in case I go in to labour, for the other leg! Vivien is great, and if Baby is not here by the weekend will come along on Monday to the flat to try some more! 

Tomorrow Annabel my midwife will come along in the morning to check me out and to do a stretch & sweep for me ... eww urrghh the excitement! Then I can chill out and wait for Baby. We will see Paula & Stu's play, enjoy the Royston Arts Festival, and see if baby turns up ... no need to make any Induction related decisions till Tuesday anyway .... 

Apart from the pelvic pain, I have no complaints. Am hungry for more food at mealtimes, but not hungry as frequently as a few days ago ... am unsure what is going on ... am watching myself for better data! 

8 Days to go ... OH REALLY???

Woke up early this morning, wondering whether to have a soak in the bath ... I knew my in-laws would be stopping by on the way to the airport - to drop off my Mother's birthday pressie and to pick up their post. They would not be staying as Iain's Mum has a cold ... and I must not get infected right now. But still, I wanted to at least look at them and have them see my bumpiness! They have missed so much of the pregnancy .... 

I never made it up and out of bed with enough time to have to decide on a bath, but I was feeling good - happy and mobile. 

A few hours went by, I sorted the CDs and DVDs with Iain - FINALLY so the boxes can go down to the garage, and I have been putting music in the Mac's iTunes, deleted pregnacy podcasts etc. Am all set for Motherhood LOL! By the time the morning was well underway I realised I am VERY uncomfortable - the baby appears to be way low down now or something - I actually can't face walking too far on my own. Iain went and got the car's mapping done - car still needs bigger injectors and then the LPG conversion SHOULD work well ... finally, right now it's jerky and unreliable and we are still using petrol a lot. Anyway, he came back and said we need the injectors doing, it's provisionally set for Thursday ... LOL I laughed a lot, it was so funny to hear him say that - I had to tell him, if the baby is here by then, we'll probably need the car around, and if the baby is not here by then he will probably come then, and the car cannot go to have the injectors done!! LOL. 

Anyway, we walked down to get fruit together as it is market day, and that was a journey and a half! It took ages for me to walk, but it was also good to walk, I need to keep walking. It helps. 

So we are gonna go to KFC later! 

Maybe the baby will come soon. 

The signs or lack or signs are boring really, as they are largely unreliable and unreadable data - no direct correlation with any actual time for the birth or indication of progress. All I have to go on is a general feeling -- and my general feeling is the baby is on his way, maybe not this weekend, but soon. I feel uninterested in actual contractions and pains and timing and stuff because of the unreliability and ubtrackability .... no way of actually interpreting any of it. Shame that, I enjoyed tracking my sugars, checking my temps when TTC etc - it was great looking for patterns. No suck luck now. 

Am not anxious, am fine with the wait, am enjoying my day - it is sunny outside, Iain is home, he is putting boxes in the garage for me, our flat is pretty much baby-ready. 

9 Days to go!!

So we had a good appointment with Annabel today. She came over and Iain came home from work too. We had a good appointment. She went over the plans for the baby's birth, the scan after his birth, and all the details of the birth-plan and various eventualities. 

She checked my urine and the baby's HB and size ... who knows what is more exact/inexact ... but her measurements match up with the scans. Each guess is as good as the other! 

I had some protein in my urine - could be a UTI although I have no symptoms so I am to drink a lot and watch that, no swelling and BP fine, so not likely to be pre-eclampsia - although I am to watch out for headaches predominantly in the front of my head, swellings, seeing big spots etc. Annabel will be back on Sunday to check me over again. Baby seemed to be a tiny bit lower than on Wednesday. He's getting down there! His back was to the left, wedged in the back, so I am to do a lot of inverted/all-fours positions and use the birthing ball a lot. Help his back move towards the front. 

Nothing else to do really - he is fine, and there is no reason to try and do a sweep yet or induce yet. If they set a date on Tuesday - do a sweep that day, and another 2 days later if need be, then have the induction that weekend I suppose, if he's not here by then. 

Sounds like a plan! 

Under 10 days to go!!

So we had our appointment we dreaded so much yesterday at the Rosie, where the big bad OB was gonna tell us when Baby has to come ...

What a nice surprise - we saw a Dr Hackett, and he was extremely civil and respectful and reassuring. He reassured us again about the baby's kidneys, and we assured him right back that we were not worried either. Will wait to know more after the baby is born, and wait till we actually have something to worry about ... as far as we know, all will be well anyway and we'll never have to worry about his kidneys, which would suit me just fine because I am sure I will find many other things to worry about!!

After that, Hackett talked about my GD - how was I doing etc, and as it is still freakishly well controlled and even getting EASIER to control, he turned to the baby's scans and his size and amniotic fluid levels, blood flow to him from me etc - and all of it is very good, has been all through. So the Dr said we don't need to worry about him yet, you both look very healthy, no need to talk about induction yet, lets see if he can come by 40 weeks. Maybe induce him just before he is due if he has not come yet. We can decide next week after the 39 week scan. 

Rah!!!! 

I am happy enough with that. I have a weeks peace, and I feel so at peace now! The acupuncture and reflexology I had definitely has got things started, as I have contractions now, on and off, and the period-pain kinda pain is still going on in the background. Hackett felt my tummy and said the baby's head was 2 fifths in my pelvis and 3 fifths was still out for him to feel - pretty good as he was not anywhere there before - I thought he had moved down a bit and he has. Of course it means nothing in terms of when will he come out ... ditto the contractions, I can have them on and off for weeks ... but to me, they are all signs that things are happening, and I trust my body and my baby to do all that needs to be done in good time. 

I have acupuncture and reflexology booked for the second half of next week, and Sarah gave me some homoeopathic stuff last night to start taking. Will see how it all goes. I want to enjoy this week, as of course next week I may well be under pressure to induce. 

Am interested to see how the baby is doing by Tuesday. I do want to see him soon ... and he will be here soon, one way or the other. 

We also went to Sarah's last night for our Doula session, saw a video with some positive births (Russian ones!) which was lovely, we had a good talk with Sarah, and made plans, clarified things I need to ask the midwife, and we did some hypnotherapy - a fear release that was pretty powerful, and it is one I feel comfortable with now. The fear was about the horror-induction-hospital scenario - much of which I have learned to deal with, with the hospital's help and Sarah's help, Iain's support and my own hard work. It really helps to have my friends' encouragement too ... I did want a tribe for myself and the baby and I appear to have a tribe of sorts ... disjointed though it is. Modern life, eh? I have so many people to hold dear in my heart after the past 9 months ... such a contrast to when I was 17 and had so many people to be wary of because of things they had done or not done ... 

Have come a long way!! Good thing too, little Baby Jaan deserves a lot more than I had to offer him a few years ago. 

So THE PLAN NOW -

I have a to-do list:

1. Take Sarah's Homoeopathic remedy for 3 days Thu-Sat, take 3 days off and have the 2nd dose Wed-Fri.
2. Tuesday is a big day - have the scan, early in the morning, then reflexology before lunch (hopefully at the Cricketers with Iain!! as Alwyn the reflexologist lives next door pretty much ... ) and then we can go hear what the Doctors have to say about the scan. Maybe the baby will come that night anyway.
3. If not, I have acupuncture on Wednesday. I guess Thursday or Friday would be the induction day of choice for the hospital ... Baby is not really due till Monday 29th ... maybe they do a Sunday night start and he can come on Monday, be ready for his scan on Tuesday ... That would be ok with me ... I dunno, depends on the scan and how hard they press me. Depends on how I feel too - Baby is getting very heavy. He is lying somewhere which is probably good for coming down ... but its not nice for me to walk down the hill, or get up from bed/sofa. 
4. I have no fear as such, I am happy he is coming. I made a decision  many years ago to do this, and have been training for this time all my life - literally since I was a little girl myself. I did the best I could always to get to this point, did not actually always do the best thing - ignorance!! - but have compensated as much as I could in the last year, and have definitely done my best, my very best for the first time in my life. The only improvement would have been perfect meals at every meal and 3 hours exercise every single day - not possible with all the balancing I have had to do. So that's a moot point!  So he will be here, and I will do the best I can to bring him here safely and calmly and happily - not just for me, for my own happiness, but for him, for his life - it starts on earth as he comes out, and its really important how that is. Every sign points to all good things, and I love those signs. 
5. Am seeing the midwife tomorrow - she should be here at 10:00. I need to ask her when she would want me to call her, how long she would take to get here, and how can I be sure it won't be Sally-with-attitude rocking up. 

Iain's gone out for his last night out at the cinema before Baby gets here! Am glad he's getting the chance. I've been nesting and tidying all day! The cupboard under the sink in the kitchen and the new over-the-fridge cupboard are all re-organised and stocked up - I even have the birthing-day biscuits in tins!! Chocolate in one, gingernuts in another, my krackawheat in a third, the rich teas in the last one - LOL!!! Must not eat them yet!! They are for the people who come along .... We have a load of the breadsticks with the parmesan and olive oil in them too, which I love. Not sure if I will be hungry before or after Baby ... or what I would even want to eat, but it feels good to have measurable carbs in the house!! 

I cleaned the bath and the tiles ... I think we need stronger stuff for the tiles ... that will have to wait, now is not the time! At least it's clean. Then I sorted through my jewellery and stocks of soap and bath stuff and moisturiser and it is all boxed up now ready for the Narnia cupboard, thank goodness - I have all I can use for the next few months out and ready. Baby's stuff is all out too, where his stuff is meant to be. His clothes could probably do with re-sorting ... I dunno which outfits are smallest any more as they were washed by colour obviously, not size. I still have one load I can do, and his gorgeous nappies have yet to be washed. I'll wait to do them. 

Just the CDs and DVDs to do - we just have the 2 Bennos in the study now and they need to be sorted so one has the overspill of DVDs and the other has the CDs we want up here, and the rest have to go down. The baskets and boxes we have up here need to go down ... Iain can do all that and we'll have a clear room - in every room!! And I can just chill, and chill some more!  

38 Weeks + 3 days ... am hanging on to the joy of having the baby with me

Well, the ticker says 1 week and 4 days left. 

I do know it's not an exact science, and I did ovulate and implant with some delay - I know that because of the records I kept myself and the very early scans when I had those pains. There is no reason to think all that was for nothing and the baby will come before 40 weeks is up ... his 40 weeks may be the hospital notes' 40 weeks + 5 days! 

I doubt they care about my timeline though, I am being treated with as much respect as the system can allow, but that cannot extend to actually accepting what I think I know when it is totally outside whatever it is that is the norm in their world. It's not personal, it's just one reality squidging along next to another. 

I do feel squidged though, and cross that I have to listen to such a lot of stuff just so I can get the information and advice that I DO want. Today we will go in to the Rosie and hopefully see Miss Charlotte Patient, the Obstetrician in charge of my case there, and she will, I hear, tell me when my baby needs to come. She'll also plan the birth she would choose for me. I am interested to know more about such a plan. I would rather know, and come to terms with it, and work out how best to do what I need to do. I would like to know her reasons for not just waiting, or just leaving me alone. I would like to know if my baby's scans have revealed anything about his size or weight that is relevant to an early induced birth. I'd also want to know if a sweep would be a good idea now. 

I'll be very cross if we are strung along for another week, I am sick of going in there, the games they play with moving goal-posts is insulting. I would rather have honesty. It is unnecessary and very rude. Their protocols don't change, I would rather just know what they think. 

So what is 38 weeks like? 

Physically I am achey, just in a band around the base of my bump, and my back opposite that space. The bump is heavy and of course my muscles are lax there now. I can feel my hips and pubic bones ache and move about a bit, as they should do. I don't put a lot of strain on these bones, or my tummy muscles -  none of the pain is strong, none of it lasts more than a few seconds, it really is nothing compared to what I am used to, pain-wise. It is boring as it is discomfort, but nothing that is giving me a sign that things are happening. 

I am still pooing more often than usual - which has been going on for about a month, and I see that as a sign that things are rearranging and contracting within, even though I feel very little of this. I guess my pain threshold is very high. 

I can still walk, bend all the way down to pick something off the floor, lift my legs to take off nail-polish, moisturise etc, although I have to take my time in order to avoid injury/loss of balance. I don't always want to do any of these things, but that's another story! 

We tried the birthing pool the other night and I want it all the time now - I didn't even realise I had aches and pains ... until I got in!!! They melted away and I loved it. Iain thought I would. Am looking forward to using it. 

I ache most at night, and after lying down for a long time, so mornings are not that nice now. It's not terrible - but it's not a nice way to wake up. 

Emotionally I am very happy about a number of things -

• Those closest to me have been making a big effort to support and reassure me, and help me enjoy this last stage of pregnancy, which is very much appreciated. 
  
• Iain and I are very much together on what we want and what we need to do for the baby, we are preparing for the birth, and I would not want to do this any other way, so I am glad to have him. Sarah is being immensely supportive, her advice is very good, and she is helping me remember to see every option for what it is, something I am perfectly capable of doing ... but as we all know that is never a guarantee that the person will actually do it! 
• I have been thinking about my options carefully and talking to some people, not just Sarah. I've had reassurance from her, from Iain, from Beverley Beech, the AIMS chairman whom I emailed, from the Acupuncturist Vivien, Julie who I did yoga classes with, Chris and Julie (my friend Julie!) and even from Rafi who called the other day - I don't think I'm crazy or being irresponsible or taking unnecessary risks. Neither do they. I have been listening, and trying to really try and hear what these carefully chosen people think ... I don't want to have made up my mind and stick rigidly to an idealised scenario as I don't believe that is useful or appropriate in a birthing situation. I am happy and confident that I am doing my best, and that so far, all appears well. 
• Our home is just lovely - sure there are still a few bags and boxes to go down to the garage, and we didn't finish our list of tasks - but the floors are nice, the walls are nice, the Narnia cupboard, even without a door is great - our shoes and my bags are all on the shelves and we have space to put other stuff - wonder what will end up in there ... (I don't want Iain spending 'spare' time on a door! We can hang out instead!!).
  
• The baby's corner in the lounge, his 'nursery' has a nice feel to it, I think. It's only his cradle, his changing station and the breast-feeding chair my mother used with us 3 .... but I have saved space for Baby's swing, playmat etc for the months to come. I like the space. I hope he will too. 
• Even the study looks nice - despite the boxes we have yet to remove, and despite the modifications we have yet to make ... it will be even nicer soon.

Basically, we know how we want it all to look soon, but we also know plans could change once the baby is here - it's his home too and with such a little home, like ours, we are happy to take our time and get it just right. 

However there are sadnesses too - 

• Pressure from the hospital has been getting me down. The kidney thing is not really something to worry about, and I don't worry or think about it, it is just a scheduled thing to deal with post-birth. One of many things. And I am very happy that I have not been bombarded with pressure and scare-stories regarding all that, the hospital has been open and forthcoming with information and support. The pressure is all about birthing early and making me feel like a bad mother if I want to wait. The pressure is in being there ... week after week ... waiting in their disorganised, badly managed disarray, feeling pressurised, tired, bored and hungry, wondering why on earth anyone would willingly have a baby there. Psychologically it is always a big blow. I don't look forward to it - I am never sure who I will see, what will be said, there is really no reliable pattern, it is all set up to scare, disconcert and coerce. The fact that they try and treat me with respect is appreciated, but I'm not stupid, and can see what it all is ... and where I fit in ... and it's not nice. 
• I do feel as if the only doubts and fears in my mind have been pushed on to me by the hospital system - we have taken as many steps as we can to minimise this problem - we went and had a long LONG session with one of the midwives and made a plan for birthing there. I am happy with the plan, I mean, it's still not my plan as such to birth there, but should I get there, I am happy with that plan. I don't like the lack of confidence my Community Midwives are showing. They would clearly prefer it if I was the Rosie's problem .... if I was going there for sure. In an emergency situation I could well end up at the Lister, which would suck because I have never been there. I dunno if they can follow my Rosie Plan. I don't see what else I can do - we have made peace with every possible location, we have made a plan, we are encouraging the baby to come and preparing ourselves as much as we can, we are open to membrane sweeps, even open to induction with all the methods the hospital recommends - it's a sliding scale of less-than-ideal, but I really, really do believe we will know what to do, and just want information and professional recommendations - I can't stand it when the pressure gets piled on as a routine thing - WHY??? They have spent months watching me, and talking to me. I refuse to stand for the crappy pressure - it sets me back so much. 
• Other people's sadnesses have always got me down, and there are sadnesses around me, which seep in through my skin. I can't change things for other people, I know that, I don;t even want to any more like I used to. I feel bad for my part in making other people unhappy - and I am sorry to say I have made more than one person's sadness worse recently, wither through my own preoccupation with my baby & the resulting insensitivity to their issues, or because I cannot spend any of my energy on their problems - one situation in particular, I am not sure, but in some ways the people concerned seem to feel I should either be wallowing with them in misery or somehow give them some sunshine so they have some respite - and to be honest, they are in such a pickle, I feel I need to keep my pregnant self and my innocent baby well away ... it's too much, it's beyond me, and I think, actually, beyond any happy resolution. Sadnesses like that are poison, they seep in, congeal around one's heart, lungs, stomach, gut and womb - and I have to stay well, have to be okay, I have so much to do, to keep the baby safe now, and to help him thrive when he comes out. 

Physically there have been highs recently - 

• My sugar levels have been phenomenally good, and so easy to manage - this is a sure sign - telling me what I need to do - trust my body, all will be well with my numbers on B-Day. They have confused me a little as Simmonds was warning me about them RISING at this last stage, not going down. I have been eating food with sugar in during my meals as part of my meals - including sugary fruit, chocolate and biscuits. Not huge amounts, but certainly normal servings, and my numbers are great even after 1.5 hours. This is not usual for someone who is meant to be such a freak. 
  
• The baby moves about every day, all day. He stretches out his leg, he turns his back/butt about once in a while, I got a few sharper kicks outward (unusual) when I had Reflexology yesterday - it was definitely making contractions happen, which must have thrown the baby! The day before that I had Acupuncture, just a short session to hopefully get things started, and he did respond to that too, moving about a lot more, and then turning himself this way and that (moving down maybe?) over the later part of the evening. Well, am still not in labour, so lets see. 

The downsides have been hardly any practice contractions ... that I can feel, so I dunno how things are going as such, not that Braxton Hicks' tell you when your baby is coming ... so on the one hand who cares, on the other hand, I have nothing to focus on as such, and monitor and try and speed up or whatever - I dunno, I guess it's not like it would be a comfort or a help if I WERE having lots of contractions ... 

I have been focusing on breathing, on visualisation, and trying to stay stress-free, at least as often as I can be. I know it is simple, and the best thing to do, it's more powerful and proactive than all the other things I could do - such as sew, tidy and do laundry like a mad thing, cook and cook and freeze and freeze, socialise and stuff. I am not doing much of anything other than staying close to where I want to start my birthing, taking care of my body and my spirits as best as I can, trying to counter the sadness and frustration, the stress of the situation - it should not be that way, and people are wrong to pile on the pressure. I am strong, I know I am, never more than now, but I don't know the limits of my strength, or the strength of my failings/weaknesses, so who knows how things will work out?

37 Weeks Pregnant

So here we are, our baby is officially full-grown to the extent that if he were to come along, he would be a term baby. Well done young Midgley! 

Am so proud of Offspring. 

As for me, I seem to be happy enough in the daytime, every evening I am out of sorts and sad. Hormones? 

Eating is not that easy, am not as hungry as am sad so much. 

The flat looks worse to me than it really is ... so we are sorting it out today. We now have all the Aspvik shelves we want ... and so Iain is putting them up and we will stock them. The bad-karma side tables are now going to the tip - today or tomorrow probably. Aside from the hooks for coats, the Narnia Cupboard is done, ready for stocking. 

We are almost there in terms of tidying for the Baby's arrival. I think I will feel happy once it is all tidy as I will be able to sit and do my yoga or breathing or watch DS9 whatever I want to do ... and I should be able to sort out the kitchen, and that would be nice. 

I need space because I take up so much space right now .... the disharmony is upsetting. 

Physically people keep referring to how uncomfortable I must be, and how I want it to be over. Actually, not so. I feel depressed half the time, I believe partly the hormones, but mostly the pressure other people are putting on me regarding my plans and hopes for my family. The birthing, the attachment parenting, the diaper-free ideas, the baby-wearing .... .... the food. The breast-feeding. 

I had similar pressure about how I handled the pregnancy, only less so as people are less interested ... have less advice. 

It IS depressing. 

I'm looking forward to having the flat free to fill with positive thoughts and images. 

It can be my safe place. 

I am actually not very uncomfortable physically. Turning over in bed is not comfortable - there is one line of tummy under the bump which is achey then, because the muscles don't work. It is like when surgery messes us your muscles, except this hurts less and the pain goes away faster. I assume because the muscles are still there, and not damaged, so it hurts less. BUT still does not give me the support I need, so it hurts a bit. I turn on to all fours before getting up as much as possible, or have Iain's arm to take some of the weight, and it helps. It's not much pain, or much effort. 

I am peeing fine, and pooping a lot - who knew .... have been pooping loads, 2 or 3 times every day. I imagine it is my body practicing the birthing reflexes low down - the J breathing type actions that should happen when the baby is coming out ... - and I can't really feel contractions so much ... but the effect it is having on my bowels are evident! 

Better than the alternative. Constipation would suck right now. 

Am hungry sometimes, suddenly and irresistably. I want apple, chocolate or bread normally. I have been incorporating these foods into sensible meals mostly. Goes out the window if I am out. It is still best if I stay at home, just for the food. 

Most of the time I am just tired or bored or sad. I sleep a lot. Might as well. Everything can wait. 

I am not really waiting as in actively waiting for something to happen .... baby will be here soon, sooner than 37 weeks from now. Time passes no matter what. I know I will miss having the bump very much, and I love the bump, actively love it and appreciate having it. That I do every waking moment, and I believe, when I sleep too. We have to part soon, and I don't want to grieve when he leaves my body, I want to rejoice, and comfort him, and applaud his achievement, not be sad that he has done what he was always meant to do. He does not really know what is coming, I do, and I will be consciously happy about our time attached, for both of us. 

It's practice for after he is born too, as for the first few months he will be with me always, and then one day he will be so big he will crawl away, and again, then I must be happy he can, not sad that my attachment with him is severed further. It should happen ... his development, I want it to, and I see no benefit for either of us in treating my sadness and loss with anything more or less than the respectful acknowledgment it deserves. It is not the main focus, nor should it be, but managing the feeling well will take thought and practice. I'd rather be happy and proud and encouraging. 

Reading the Baby Books - Baby Whisperer, Happiest Baby and Gina Ford

So I have been reading/re-reading! It has occurred to me that I saved these books up till this late stage of pregnancy for a reason .... they are pretty dull on the whole, I knew this when I skimmed them at the start of the pregnancy, when having an actual baby seemed so far away, keeping homd of the foetus seemed so much more of an issue. 

Adjusting from infertility, to medication that works, to an early pregnancy to an almost full-term baby inside me, a baby who has been very much alive, noticably so for months - since I was about 12 weeks pregnant I think .... it has all been a very long journey, one I am very grateful for. My baby has been excellent company, and I fully intend to return the favour when he is out. He will be so small, and the transition for him, I expect will be far more challenging for him than for me - I have a 31 year head start, I can speak, read, and am free to make my own choices - and I am physically far stronger than he is. 

As far as I can gather, no amount of reading will actually prepare me, as in let me know what to do step by step - the huge unknown factor is the baby. But keeping my wits about me, paying attention to the baby himself rather than simply playing out any instructions I have received, and working with Iain and anyone else who is there to help us seems like a sound plan. I don't expect to know what to do immediately, but I do expect to be able to work it out fairly soon, bit by bit - he will not need all things all at once, he will have one specific need at a time, sometimes in isolation, sometimes in combination - none of them incredibly complicated in themselves. Each thing - food, shelter, clothing, comfort, soothing, rest, illness, pain, growth spurts, doctors appointments, long days, discomfort, travelling, being too tired, bored or restless, needing stimulation or having had too much, confusion or distress brought on by the unexpected/break from what he expects, sunlight in his eyes .... etc etc ... all these things, the solutions I am sure will be of varying difficulty - moving him out of sunlight is easy, soothing him if he is bawling less so. Feeding him may well be easy - or may be a right pain, even fruitless. Who knows? All I know is he is going to be here soon, and once he is here, I have time to work it out. 

The three books I started with, to get some practical tips and try and imagine how to tackle the early months have been Tracy Hogg's Baby Whisperer book, Gina Ford's Contented Little Baby book, and Dr Harvey Karp's Happiest Baby on the Block book and DVD. 

Now I have to say, Gina Ford's book largely makes me feel a bit ill. I do always say her methods clearly work - look at Safeera, Dhameer, Brishti and Zain, and young Ethan too - comparing these kids to other kids we know (and please remember ... we only see these kids once in a while, of course we don't know what they are like all the time ... but in terms of how they cope with going out and socialising, living day to day within and outside their routine ...) these kids are extremely well adjusted and well behaved - a joy to be around. They listen to their parents and are clearly secure in themselves and in their families, they don't do dangerous things, cry and make a fuss all the time, they are happy to wave their parents goodbye for quite a range of lengths of time - these are all things I believe a parent should be able to help their children learn by the time they are running about. 

I can't imagine I can do the blackout blinds, the controlled crying, the placing the baby in his own room, and the drain-each-breast feeds though. First of all, the fore-milk followed by hind-milk theory that dictates these long feeds is an outdated theory now - it has been disproved, so that is a pressure I can ignore, thank goodness. It will be hard enough feeding I am sure. So much of her system is dictated by this theory, that it becomes very difficult to evaluate her system once the necessity for the long feeds is removed. 

What I found useful about her routines is the knowledge that he will need food, little at a time, and that often - he needs to eat often like me, we shall chug along well together, Baby and me, now that I understand. I also found it useful to learn he has to sleep that often. A combination of that knowledge is very, very useful as a rough guide. I will re-read her routines, and watch the baby, and see if he seems to be quite happy eating and sleeping at roughly her guideline intervals. Anushe told me should found them to be a great guide too,  helped her decipher some of Milen's fusses. I am impressed by Ford's research and data - her babies do thrive, and she has a good point with the routines - for parents who really expect life to go on as before, a system like this would help organise the transition to reality, and help manage the sense of loss, I am sure. 

I am also impressed with her observation that feeding on demand is an idea that is taken too literally, and that is why mothers end up feeding all night and everyone has a rubbish time of it. Good point, and actually I never thought feeding on demand actually LITERALLY meant the newborn choosing his feed times, as if he knows anything about organising the family's day!!! 

At Antenatal class I realised Iain does actually anticipate being tired and grumpy after sleepless nights when the baby wakes us and wakes us to cry, fuss and feed ... I guess he was a bit scared of how mean he will get, how tired he will be, and honestly, I think all that is a load of drama that we should try and avoid or minimise. Of course, our baby could easily be the kind that cries all night no matter what we do, or he could just as easily be the sort who sleeps easily and wakes every 3 or 4 hours and feeds and that is all. Iain can sleep in those blocks and function just fine, so if that's the case, no worries. If the crying a lot part lasts a month or two, that too is fine, he will, I am sure be ok enough to salvage enough of his day to get by. The problems would start if it goes on indefinitely. 

I'm taking it seriously, of course - he didn't make it a big deal, and he did also say he thought it would bring us closer together, caring for the baby at night, in the long run, but still, sleep time is pretty important. SO, taking Gina Ford's plan into consideration, helping the baby need sleep at night, and offering him food at regular intervals so he is fed, as he needs/'demands' it ... with me keeping track for us, as the baby will not be able to ... sounds like a good plan. Am not hoping for the moon .... 

I am sure it is tiring, and I am considering having Mamma over to stay some nights to keep me company, feed me while I feed the baby, care for him so I can sleep if he is fussing. Perhaps Paula will do it on occasion, maybe Jules will sometimes. Iain will help some nights too, and with plenty of help, I don't see why I can't do it myself the remaining nights. It's tiring, by all accounts - so getting help to share the tiring parts seems the obvious solution. From what I read in Ford's book, and by talking to Cathy who is doing very well breastfeeding Arti, but facing challenges all the way too - Ford is right, it is hard to remember and put into practice all the tips on latch etc when we are very, very tired - Mummy AND Baby. 

So help, help and more help. 

I actually read the Baby Whisperer book before reading Gina Ford - I like Tracey Hogg's attitude towards the baby - treating him with respect and as a person, protecting his own space etc. I like her corny EASY and SLOW ideas - feeding him, changing him/playing with him/cleaning him and then putting him down for a sleep, then eating or taking care of myself before he is up and ready to eat again (the EASY part) seems very sensible. And taking the time to Stop, watch and observe him, take a fresh breath and think before I sort him out seems a far quicker way of understanding him too (the SLOW part). It's a good approach and Hogg was convinced she could read the baby's body language - I believe her and am looking forward to using her charts to decipher my baby's actions. I do believe he will start of communicating with me, and if I listen and respond then his skills will develop further, and if I ignore the cues he will stop using them. Baby's are small but it is idiotic to underestimate them. 

It occurred to me ages ago that the way I treat Iain is a good indication of how I will treat the baby - the body language, the cues - ok, not exactly the same as we can take care of ourselves, but so many of the cues I read about echo what we seem to do. For example, at sleepy time, if we haven't really hung out much and are too sleepy to talk but want some comfort, we seem to move our cheeks near each other - neither of us make any effort to make eye contact, even holding hands is optional, perhaps touch feet for a few seconds. My understanding is a tired baby will not be making eye contact either, but will similarly do other, easier, less awakening things to get some TLC. 

I don't feel I can put the baby in his own cot as a default choice as Hogg suggests .... it all depends on the baby and how we feel once he is here. I am reserving judgement on that one. 

Other than that, I suspect I will use her book a fair bit. 

Harvey Karp's book - Baby Bliss - which was formerly the Happiest Baby on the Block I am very, very pleased with. It is refreshing to read such a positive book. His way of saying things is full of the excitement and joy I feel when I think of the baby coming. I am looking forward to learning how to care for him, I am not sad about how much I will have to give up. Being tired all the time is not new to me, being tired for a wonderful reason WILL BE NEW! LOL - I have nothing to lose if I have the baby. His 'secrets' - oh the drama! - the 5 tricks - swaddling, putting him on his side, shushing (playing white noise to him), swinging, and using his ability to suck are all simple enough to do, intuitive enough, and sensible enough for me to buy in to - they will all take a lot of practice to get just right. That is fine. His Fourth Trimester concept is also fine by me - there IS something different about a newborn, I can accept that, and even if the baby were good to go when he is born, I certainly need at least a couple of months to adjust, perhaps 4 at a minimum - like anything else I do. I know myself, my body's abilities. I will need a couple of months to recover my body to even a base-level of okay-ness in terms of internal healing and my gut. I will need time to readjust my food to my new needs. There will be hospital and other medical appointments, disruptions in my food plans caused by all the time spent outside, and all the food disruptions caused by having the new baby around. In all this time the baby still needs caring for and both lines of work need to progress in tandem - I cannot keep helping him if I ruin my own body in the first 2 months. Adrenalin is not a long-term option for either of us, specially bearing in mind I will not have HRT again for some time. 

So whether we look at it as HIS fourth trimester, when he is still foetus-like, or whether we just need to keep him small and safe and working with my limited capacity for 3 months while we both adjust to what lies ahead - that period is definitely sacred in this house, and I am not at all prepared to let anyone play fast and loose with what we need to do in that time. 

Some people do seem fairly cavalier about this time ... I disapprove of that and feel it's a bit risky to start off on potentially shaky footing ... definitely for me, I need to be well, as well as can be. 

Other reading - My food plan will be a modified, well monitored evolution from my pregnancy eating plan - I will use Patrick Holford & Susannah Lawson's Optimum Nutrition for before, during and after pregnancy, and their book on balanacing hormones too, along with what I know about my own eating needs. 

I still believe in the sort of parenting Jean Leidloff describes, and that I have seen as a child myself in Bangladesh. I am still keen on what I have understood from the Sears' books. I am going to try the Elimination Control ideas/Diaper Free stuff, we'll carry the baby is a sling, we'll co-sleep using the Tres Tria, and we'll put him in his Miyo Hammock for naps. I have his little cups and larger doidy cups to try if we need to feed him expressed milk or formula, we also have some bottles on standby, to use for feeds or to store milk. We have his potties, and we have books and websites to go through to help us try these things out and learn. 

Ultimately we learn from and with the baby, and books aside, we have me, Iain and little one - huge amounts of the best possible data in interactive form!! 

The 36 Week Scan

This was not an easy day at all. It was kind of marred ahead of time - it was intended to be a nice day out for me and my MIL, then Iain too ... I expected just good news and reasonably good food .... I had my POPS study scan at 11:30 in the morning, then the Growth Scan for the antenatal team at 2 pm. Iain took the day off to be with me and the baby. 

The first scan was fine, but the baby's left kidney didn't look like it had been draining fully, kidney looked fine. The POPS people don't have my records or a point of reference, they just collect data, and so the midwife doing the scan said she'd let the scan lady know for the afternoon, which she did.

We met Claire and Martin from our Antenatal Classes in the food area, and chatted away with them till it was time for us all to go to our appointments. They are nice people. Claire had had good news - her placenta previa is no longer an issue, the placenta has moved up, I am so pleased for her. Really hope all goes well. 

I was pretty calm about the kidney, but I was chatting a lot, it's hard not to just worry - but really there was nothing to worry about at that point, as far as we knew all was well. 

The 2 pm scan showed that the kidney looks healthy, and the amniotic fluid levels are fine, and though the middle of the kidney is a bit swollen (hydronephrosis) this is probably what happens to loads of babies - a pipework issue that resolves itself before birth. There is nothing to be done ahead of the birth, no reason to have him early, we just need to scan him after birth - a few days after, when he is rehydrated. Maybe he'll need antibiotics, maybe he won't need anything, maybe he will need some procedure later. 

The sonographer said she needed her supervisor to see, and she did. Same comments. They could not find his right kidney - just the puffy left one! So I dunno where the other kidney is ... I guess they just could not see it. Anyway, off they went to talk to the Paediatric Consultant Mr Lees, who happened to be in clinic that day across the hall I guess. He said he would see us next week for a detailed scan, and we need to talk to the Renal Dr. 

Great. 

Way to scare us ... I am impressed with their efforts at efficiency in this case - and actually, apparantly we are being seen so soon as they happened to have a slot - I realise it is very unlikely that there is a serious problem, such as a really defective kidney, or long term damage - his kidney itself looks healthy after all, and there is plenty of amniotic fluid so they are working.  All that fluid means his lungs should not be under-developed (the amniotic fluid is necessary for lung development which is a key task of his about now). So far so good. No reason to doubt him, or his development. Of course, loads of UTIs when he is tiny would mess his system up, and if whatever it is does not fix itself, it will need to be fixed, and it is important all that happens. 

I am upset that he will have to have tests at the very least, really soon after his birth, very intrusive and upsetting, and if he needs antibiotics his gut will suffer greatly. 

Iain and I had a tough two days, it really did feel like a tough parenting situation, and I guess no big decision will be any easier really, ever ... from now on, as they will all be about the baby/child. We are three of us now, as sure as if the baby were already with us here. 

We also had a long chat with Dr Simmonds, who 'wouldn't' risk having the baby at home ... he raised the spectre of the mythical dead baby ... as Doctors love to do, and before seeing him, the Obs Registrar said nice things about my sugar levels and said he would recommend continuous foetal monitoring but did not anticipate any problems for me, and didn't see why my birth would not be totally uneventful - but that whatever my sugars are, they are controlled with Met and exercise and diet, and that does not change the fact that there is something wrong with me. So you never know what the risk is. This made me feel like shit, made me feel really, really bad - so I'm a freak, no matter what ... I'm defective and frankly, a bit of a cow to be selfish enough to put a baby, another person in my crappy, defective, useless body that never works ... 

Coming after the perfect baby who now can't drain his left kidney revelation, and coming before seeing Simmonds, it was a hard thing to hear. 

I was tired, my sugars were messed up with the hospital food, the stress, and the waiting in the heat ... I was feeling really bad, and crying. That made Ruth, one of the midwives spend some time comforting me, which I appreciate, and Simmonds spent a long time with me, again, which I do appreciate. 

I asked about figures - what are they for GD patients and outcomes at the Rosie - how many of these GD mum's babies need help because of insulin issues at birth, how many of those had numbers like mine - how much good have I done? Is it likely to have been enough? Anyway - get this - there ARE NO FIGURES for GD women, and only 1 years numbers on Type 1 and 2 diabetics ... ????!!!! 

Teaching hospital.

One of the best in Europe he told me.

Audits - that's what I was thinking, they MUST have to audit the service - they spend a shedload on diabetes monitoring for every woman who fails the OGTT ... wtf???

I am disgusted really, as I can't make my informed choice based on the Rosie now. 

He did tell me about the best studies that have been done recently on the outcome of treated GD patients ... most notably the HAPO study. He was convinced that it was pretty risky to have a baby with GD ... much riskier than we used to think. 

I looked up the study, he is right. My sugars may well be nowhere near low enough. BUT we have seen how small the baby is - average size. His bits and pieces and organs and limbs are all average. 

My sugars have been so steady, and pretty low ... nowhere near other people. My fasting reading has almost always been low low low. The baby's activity level has not been uber high or super sluggish, he has been extremely reassuring. 

I think these are good signs. I do not want to make decisions based on fear. 

I do have more questions for him about the outcome, the results of that study. I understand that badly controlled impaired glucose tolerance is a worse deal than previously thought, and the threshold is lower than previously thought ... fair enough, I suspected that anyway. But how did I do??? We have tons of data on me .... 

Iain and I are still keen on the home birth. 

I spoke to Kerry the midwife the next day, we need more info on what the hospital birth would be like in order to decide and prepare - we could always end up there anyway, and knowing what the facilities really are (not that breeze through full of complains that they called a hospital tour) and what it would really mean for us ... we need that. Anyway, she said they have a consultant midwife whose remit is to go through all that and help women make a choice. Good. 

Trouble is, the woman had a letter sent to me - arrived on Saturday - saying see you on Monday. WTF - I am not going without Iain. Could the stupid cow not have called me? Idiotic - how stupid are they over there? Waste of paper and postage too. Ridiculous. They have all my contact details and Kerry could have called me. I am NOT going on Monday on my own to be bullied and harrassed when we are already going on Tuesday, together. The letter says we are happy to re-book, well you'll have to, love, bloody cheek!!!! 

Hmmpphh. 

Iain and I also went to the Midwife's clinic at the Roysia Surgery the day after the scan, to talk about the homebirth some more - we are taking it seriously that so many people feel their advice should be 'we wouldn't ...' - Simmonds, the midwife ... they have been caring for me, and they all make the big sad scared eyes .... and issue vague warnings without actual numbers .... They are the only professionals we have access to, and their advice has been helpful in other areas, we don't intend to ignore their advice without consideration. That would not be consistent. 

So Iain had questions - Simmonds' scare tactics had shaken him, which depressed me no end. He didn't actually let the fear take over, thank goodness, and ultimately he trusts my judgement over random fears that don't even belong to us ... which is good to know. We came through this, it was not pleasant, but we came through with no problems, just sadness caused by other people's fears. Our own fears are reasonably easy to put into perspective. They don't cease to be, how can they, but we actually have done and are doing all we can, and all we need to. Nothing is certain - but what we are trying to do gives all 3 of a us a good shot at success and peace surely. 

Having talked and cried a lot the night after the scan, I woke up crying, and Iain did not feel he could leave me and go to work. We decided to get some answers. The midwife, sadly, was Jane ... who is a bit of a character .. does not do home births anymore, and had 2 caesareans herself and is of the opinion she and her kids would be dead otherwise .... so we're not even on the same planet really when it comes to birthing.

Anyway, she was happy to raise the dead baby spectre at will too. I do switch off inside on people who do that. To each their own I suppose, I'm beginning to think the world has 2 sorts of people in ... dead baby spectre enthusiasts (they happen to also be the weak minded with no imagination) and the rest of us (and of course I know babies die, don't be so stupid and go get some self respect while you are at it). 

'Nuff said I suppose, I WAS after some professional advice, and some information I could use ... but her ideas on what happens to a woman birthing ... [a woman in labour I suppose] well, what can I do with all that ...? 

I tried to get something out of it, all I could hear were warnings about a pre-ordained chain of sad, constrained events, none of which has any place in birthing unless someone puts it there, IMO. She also really felt like I was against hospitals, anti-interventions ... 'you'd probably call them ... call them ... interference ...' she said. 

Well, I do call interventions ... er ... interventions, that is what they are, and of course I know at times someone with a drug, a scalpel, some forceps, or something does need to intervene. I am not a fool, and I know as much as a layperson can find out easily about the interventions that are carried out on the NHS. I have had several interventions for goodness sake - the conception of the baby was with Clomid, my Met is a huge intervention, my scans, my supplements, my food manipulation, sugar control - I work with medicine, with the doctors I trust, and with myself. What else can I do??? 

And why does accepting help or asking for help mean I have to buy in to the fear and whole kit & caboodle when it comes to the mega-pack of interventions? Taking Metformin helps me and the baby. I believe continuous foetal monitoring will not. No one else can choose. So let me choose, stop being a baby and sulking and trying to make me feel bad about choosing ... OMG ... why do these people feel the need to make me sad ...? WTF ... playground shenannigans or what?

Am still disgusted, days later. 

Jane said the SOM (supervisor of midwives) would have to come speak to me about risks to me and to the midwives, come see me with Annabel, and maybe a SOM would have to be there at the birth. I said, fine, I don't mind who thinks they need to be there from the midwives side, I may decide to stick with the homebirth plan, or go to hospital, I can't say yet, and it's pretty standard for the SOM to be involved in a case like mine. 

No one has called yet to sort it ... I guess I'll call Annabel on Monday. What a pain ... 

If they are planning to bully me, they can think again. I would like information, and advice on how to do this safely and well .... and I refuse to let people stress me out now. 

As it is the place is not tidy and that makes me stressed out - and we still have furniture moving issues hanging over us ... messing up the whole month. 

36 weeks at last.

Am far cheerier today than when I wrote my last post. Can you see my lovely hair???? 

I have pretty highlights and look well nice ... am hoping Baby will say 'wow Mummy look at your hair ...'  ... well, say it in his little baby heart, in my imagination ... whatever ... who knows what he will really think ... I may as well imagine something nice! 

So I am cheery, not just for my hair's sake, but other reasons too. 

Partly this is due to empathy and understanding from my friends (thank goodness for them!!), Iain and even my parents - they are so happy that our baby is coming soon, they are getting excited, which is fine for them ... I am less keen on the second-hand-Adrenalin .... but their happy faces are nice to see, reminds me of the baby ... no doubt his happy face will please me similarly. The parent-child-parent pattern is .... er ... a pattern, basically a displaced repeat, a delayed reaction, a repeat reaction. Luckily it's complex and encoded, and I can re-write some of the code LOL!!! 

I am also feeling better after having a whine about my food (poor, poor me!) and yet maintained my diet and perfect sugar scores (yaay me) - so I just need to do this for one more week and I am home free IMO. There will be nothing more for me to do ... the rest is up to fate, Allah, the Baby, nature and coincidence. All I know is, there are certainly not 36 weeks to go .... so I can't complain! 

I am still happy to be pregnant. The baby is great, he kicks about like a happy little thing, all the kicks are up near my right side, I get the occasional twinge in what may well be my cervix, (who knows where it all is these days!!) - Iain and I are having bizarre adventures with the EPO and perineal massage every evening - it's a team effort, we need all the hands, arms and expertise we have ... nothing is quite where we expect it to be anymore!!! What IS the baby doing in there?? Redecorating?? Landscaping?? It's a laugh some nights, and we have to take a step back and re-assess other nights. I suppose it is no bad thing to have to do that ... overcome a challenge calmly. Surely night feeds and nappy changes and the baby when he has some sort of problem will similarly require our combined efforts, all our hands and wits too! 

So while it's not exactly fun, everyone I know who did the perineal massage has told me it worked for them ... so we're sticking to it. It's something proacative to do, anyway ... I still get a back or full body massage every other night or so (Iain is very kind) unless Iain is very

very sleepy. I am still sleeping like a log every night, waking up at about 6 am now, rather than 5 am, which is nice. I have been drinking at night, hoping that it does wake me ... 

I prefer to get up and wee, and make sure the baby is moving about - it's a bit long for me to sleep all night and just leave him to his own devices ... his kicks don't hurt me so I don't wake up. Not sure we are geared up here to do anything about it if he stops kicking .... but there is really no one else to keep an eye on him/be there for him ... so there you go. 

It's not great trying to turn over in bed or get out of bed - my tummy is very heavy and my tummy muscles are totally useless right now (rightly so), and my hips ache when I try to move like that (they are fine the rest of the time). I have found that as long as I use my leg muscles, and maybe my arms, and get on all fours, I can get up from bed or lying otherwise pretty easily with no pain as such. I have been lying on my left side a lot, supported by the sofa and cushions, I am trying to give the baby space, keep my circulation going (slightly raised leg), and it seems to help take the pressure off. My back and sides are fine. I am also walking and doing chores, cooking, tidying, laundry etc each day, keeping the limbs moving, and the yoga - I wish I had the energy every day, I don't, but every other day for sure, plenty of inverted postures, squats and balance postures. Partly I am checking my body to make sure the hip pains are just my body preparing for birthing, not anything trickier, and the seated postures and inverted ones are also a good guide for me to make sure my digestive system is still ok - I have not had indigestion or reflux or anything so far, and I keep testing my muscles - am not sure if it is at all scientific to try and tell this when I am partway inverted ... but I know in the past when my oesophegus was rubbish, a downward dog would have thrown me somewhat, would have felt bleagghhy with bile, and am fine now. 

I do get tired, exhausted even (rarely) - a little exercise and regular rest seems to work, and listening to my body in terms of response to food - insulin levels etc, using my sugar readings (I take a lot of readings) mean my energy levels are pretty good. 

I do have a lot to do in the next few weeks ... 

the baby's sections of each room are still not done (put together) and personally I don't want to do them once he is here ... what a drag. I don't want to do it now, am not gonna want to do it then. 

I have books to read and re-read - have read the Tracy Hogg book and am on Gina Ford this morning ... the sooner I decide what I'm going to bother to take out of those books the better ... they are not exactly fun to read!

I've started on Iain's Handbook for once the baby gets here ... it's meant to include his cookbook too ... plus I have my pregnancy diary and the pregnancy photobook to finish. I did plan to do all these things in this last month .... but even so ... nothing is particularly interesting any more ... am just a bit slow and a living from one sugar reading to another. I do feel that next time (if we are so lucky) I will just get an independent midwife and avoid as much of the hospital help as possible. I really resent the arbitrary, arrogant sugar-level fascism ... I know I decided to use their help in the way I am using it ... and the drama factor is from their side, and I am just living with it .... I suppose I feel I have other things to do rather than fight them ... But really, I know what to do now, for next time. Am collecting data now and I am happy with what I have learned, and don't think I can change their flawed system ... not now, and not by myself. Will leave that battle for now .... All I really care about is the baby.